Every Time I See Her I Fall In Love With Her Again,but I Cant Have Her

Sorry for the long story,but it is a big problem for me.A true story.I met her on the first day of the 5th grade.It was not love at first sight,but with time I got infatuated with her.She was pretty,looked like an angel,had dirty blonde hair,a good student,played the piano.Cause of her I even started to read for fun,wanted to impress her (see here if you want EP Link felt so strange for me,I was just 11 years old,never thought of any girl like this,I wanted to be with her,talk to her,but then I got sidetracked.You see I was always a shy boy,very quiet,especially around girls.Cause I was like that,and the fact I was kind of a book nerd,I did not had much friends in class,just one good friend,couple of neighbours and that is it.The other guys started to bully me,I gained weight,so the verbal abuse started,and then it got physical.It is a long story which I have here (http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Was-Bullied/2406492).It ended when my dad found out,I hid it from him cause I did not want him to think of me as a weak boy,and was ashamed that this happened to me.But I got over it with years.Anyway I was on the impression that nobody liked me so how could this beautiful,smart,to me perfect girl.I never said anything to her.Not even in high school.We were in different classes but her classroom was next to mine,I saw her every day.I thoght it was just an ordinary crush,I even noticed other girls,was interested in them.But this one made me feel like I was in heaven(or hell later on) whenever I saw her.But I had my complexes,I got really fat,thought I was the ugliest guy ever,even when I got to be 6ft7 tall.But I always thought it would go away.After high school I wanted to move in a big city,our capital to study,was close,but had poor grades in maths(I wanted to study economics) so I failed and stayed to study in a town nearby,still living at my hometown.She got to study,also economics,in that town.She lives 400 miles away,comes back only for hollidays and summer.For some time I thought of her less,my mind was occupied with new stuff,college,college girls,new life.I did not go out a lot to partys so I could not see her a lot even when she was back.But then I saw her again and felt the same.It worried me,why do I always feel like this around her,great for a moment but then really bad cause I can not have her.After that I got myself thinking,and decided to change my life.I started working out,doing stuff I never did before,got some new,close friends too,felt better than ever.I lost about 50 pounds,was feeling very optimistic,and when I saw her again I decided that the next time I see her I will look good,feel good about myself and ask her out,to finally make a move. I never felt that optimistic in my life.Then I heard the news,she found a boyfriend,a guy year older than me,lives within 3 miles near me,a guy that left his girlfriend with whom he was for more than 2 years(they were a well known couple,always together) to be with this girl I like.That shook me up badly,for some time I felt really depressed.But I decided to try moving on,started going out,having fun.But in my her and mind she was always present whenever I did not concentrate on something else,like talking to my friends reading(read like 4 books in 3 weeks,summer even more),classes in college(failed a year so I had to repeat and lost interest in marketing,but will finish it).I hate to feel like this but what could I do?She lives far from me,and when she is back here,she is with her guy.I feel so jelaous when I see him,hate him and hate to feel that.I read psychology books,started testing myself,was scared that I was obsessed,that I might hurt myself.But it turns out I am not,just feel like a fool in love whenever I see her,and it breaks my heart.THen I started writing on EP,it helped me a bit.Their relationship is a long distance one,they see each other,I heard from some mutual axquaintances,every 4 weeks or so.The guy is ambitious,nice looking,dark,tall had good grades,studied finance and accounting at my college and some people said he left his girlfriend cause this girl I like wanted him,and she has a rich dad,CEO of a bank so he wanted a wealthy life with a pretty girl,so he left his girlfriend.But those could just be badmouthing,for all I know his relationship with the other girl could had been dying for some time,but he did break it up suddenly and immediately dated another girl,he did that before,had a long term relationship and ended it when he met someone else. They are together for 17 months now. I still struggle to lose last 25 pounds in order to finally look like a healthy man,so I feel tired of life mostly.Now it is summer again and she is back in town.Just saw her last night.Still feel the same.****,I hate myself.For all I know she is in a good relationship,happy and do not want to mess things up for her.I try to tell myself it is impossible,that she has met the perfect guy for her,and she will marry him,but still in my heart I can not help but feel that small part of hope that she will one day be with me,and that part makes me feel so good that I hold on it.But I am worried about my other relationships,one day I will go out with another girl and she will need my love,and it worries me how am I gonna tell that girl about this one I was in love with for so long.We live in a small town,chances are she will come back(all of her closest friends are here,and family) nad I probably would not leave.What if I end up working with her,we both study economics with a focus in marketing.then what?I wish ehr the best but what about me?What will happen with my life?There is a big hole in my heart,I regret that I never tried to meet her when I felt this way,when I am near her my hear feels like it will melt,while she passes by without knowing.I hate my life,my past,the way I was and think I will never get over it,but continue living like an emotional cripple
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Aug 4, 2012