Telling Fortunes And Losing Love

When I was 16 my girlfriend and I lay on the bed in her house, during the summer while her parents were away. We immersed ourselves in each others presence. I felt the warmth of her skin, its texture and taste for the first time (she didn't shave her legs, gag), and stared into her eyes. Her eyes were the deepest blue, she had bedroom eyes. While we lay together, gazing and playing the childhood games that would later become foreplay, she suddenly turned her head and changed the radio station beside us. I could feel the tensing in her skin and so I asked "whats wrong?" She replied, "oh nothing, never mind" but I knew something had happened so I looked deeply into her design, listening to the tides of her heart and saw it there. The end of love.

Her character was her destiny. My reply shocked her, or so I would like to think. I said "you know, one day you will be listening to our song on the radio and you will turn it off. And the moment we are about to share that should be beautiful for us both will bring you pain." It was her old boyfriends song, his time with her was hurtful, her own heart betrayed her, she use to love him so much. So instead of sex we sat and I gave council (inorite? epic fail). I remember the quote still "if you let cloudy water sit, it will become clear." I told her don't worry I can wait. She was the first girl I kissed, and the last. I still wait to this day.

Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think If I cannot have love the way it is meant, unconditional and eternal - then I will honor its thought by never letting it touch the ground I stand on. I knew she would make the mistake they call love with someone else, she would be betrayed by her heart again, but not by mine.

If you think this is funny feel free to laugh, as true as it is I cannot help but smile at the experience myself, looking back on it. And its with humor that I share such personal moments. I try to be a muse, but I am only half a poet, and half a jester.
Phaethon Phaethon
31-35, M
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

That sound kinda sad. But love should be true.
"Love if not today, will ever the tomorrow come?"

She is a wonderful memory, I saw in her eyes the end of love. Worldly love. She was my first milestone in saying no to the world.

So you've said no to many girls then?

I didn't know what had happened to me, I just kept looking for love. I wasn't fully aware of it for a while, until college. People instinctively know what they want in a mate. The templates in me shifted that day with her. My ideal of what a mate is changed. I kept looking, for someone to share love with. I was aspected to the feminine, the Goddess rather than the God. Although I wasn't gay I was very much aligned with the female energy in me. I wanted to be taken, I wanted to have my breath taken away, swept off my feet I guess by a woman who knew what she wanted. But those were superficial fantasies, what I realized was that I could only be happy with another person who was complete. The male and female energies merged inside me. I became asexual. And so my mate would have to be another who was the same. But when love found me worthy I was unworthy of love and when I was worthy of love it didn't find me. Windows in time, probability, it just didn't add up. "We played for love with loaded dice, we cheated and then paid price." I learned to accept it. You just have to get past these things.

I have said no to life.

Ah, the merging of female and male energy can be quite troublesome.
But love should not be about the sex of the other... it should be of the feelings one has. Love do not come to the worthy neither the unworthy. It is something that somehow end up finding you.

Accepting or not, there is nothing to get past. You just need to follow the wind and let it take you to where your heart belongs. Where your home can be.

Saying no to love, is not saying no to life. You're here are you not?
Meaning you live, so you've not said no to life. You harbor it yourself and use it. You enjoy what exist in life. Animals, trees. Gifts of life in this world.

Indeed, love isn't about the sex of the partner. But I let go of love so deeply that unless it is to fulfill my role as man more completely then it is illogical. There is a calling in me to love but only to take on the mantle of mankind more completely. Love for me is a cultural experience that I may or may not share while I am here on earth visiting. it doesn't mean I won't give her my heart completely or love her less, on the contrary, it isn't until we have learned to let go completely of needing another that we can truly fulfill our partners needs and become one as a soul.

Mankinds perception on love is quite different from spiritual love.

Oh "saying no to life" is a Buddhist saying. It means... accepting that the world is broken. Or rather not accepting it maybe, lol. You retreat from the way the world is on an existential level. You say "no" the same way Neo from The Matrix said "no" when he stopped the bullets with his mind. You see through its illusions and then its just never the same. But by doing so you become a part of the earths life. You leave exile actually, because you leave the world that man has created and return the way you were meant to be by design. So its not a bad thing, but just as every plane that leaves the earth experiences turbulence until it reaches its correct altitude so do we and that turbulence can leave us feeling lonely at times. All of our pains in life are growing pains.

I accept that the world is broken and live as I am meant to.... freely.
Even as Neo walk the matrix, he takes part in it. You can't retreat from what the world is, but you can change the things around you as you please.
Pain do not grow unless you allow them to, and loneliness often is a choice. If you feel lonely that's because you wish to be part of all. You can end your own pains as easily as breathing out a light.

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