What Have I Always Wanted?

It says on my profile that I feel "a bit bewildered". The reason is that I am currently reconsidering what I really want in a partner in a relationship. My story is:
A year ago I lost my heart to a boy in my class, and was convinced he was everything I could ever want. But he didn't love me back. He pretended he did, for a while, but then I found out and it all ended in tears.
When I had half way recovered I began to think about who really was my soulmate. I know there is someone out there who will love me for who I am, no matter what, and I will find them one day. I developed a vision of my ideal man, celebrities I find attractive, mixed in with bits of the boy I loved, and boys I read and heard about who I liked the sound of. I dreamed about him, and took a ton of online quizzes about my soulmate. I christened him 'Will' and dreamed, wrote and thought about him whenever I felt lonely or just bored.
My mum once told me that she was sure my best male friend liked me. I saw him the next day, but saw no signs of anything but friendship, but then, you can never tell with boys. Law of sod in action, I now find myself unable to stop thinking about him. He doesn't go to my school, or any of the schools we have much involvement with, so we can only really meet up in the holidays. I have told my friend, and she says he is practically a boyfriend, because we've flirted with each other forever without even meaning to, but I don't agree. I mean, he doesn't even know I like him yet! Oh, I like him so much, I dream about him, and when I think about him, by heart skips a beat and, I can't breath normally for about ten minutes, (breath, Rose, breath!), but I just don't think we'd work as a couple. He doesn't give a crap about school, and that's one of the most important things in the world to me, but he wouldn't understand why I care. He just isn't what I always used to look for in a partner, what I really need from a relationship. I keep telling myself I have to squash the feeling down, it'll go away eventually, I have to be sensible, If I know something won't work I shouldn't try it, etcetera, but the thing is, I've sort of stopped listening. Oh, wretched girl!
CosmopolitanRose CosmopolitanRose
13-15, F
Nov 30, 2012