I'm Hopeless, I Think

My entire life I've been self-conscious about how I look. Not because I wanted to, but because people have given me looks that make me feel down about myself. Big shoulders, arms, back. Serial killer eyebrows, I usually have my head down and I look up. I'm at a very international university, with most people coming from outside the country, and even people who have the same nationality as me don't want to talk to me. It's been like that for years. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, but I never worried too much about that.

At orientation a few months back the new first year students did an activity where we got in a circle of 10 or so, and a bunch of M&Ms, and before we ate one we had to say something about ourselves. Not my type of thing. I have no idea what to say. So I said the first thing that popped in my head. "I, uh, have broken a ton of my computers, and somehow fixed them, uh yea." Everyone smiles, and there are a few laughs. The loudest laugh came from across the circle, where I looked right into a very pretty girl's eyes, while she looked right into mine. Holy ****. She had an amazing smile, and I ended up smiling right at her. It was one of my rare, but real, smiles. I could tell she liked my smile, the few people that have seen it like it. But I was embarrassed, I never smile like that, especially at such a pretty girl. I immediately looked down . And. Well. She started saying "hi" and smiling and kinda waving at me when I passed by or something. I...don't know what to do. I'm honestly so shocked that she was saying hi to me, I couldn't smile or wave back. My common smiles are pretty fake, and don't look as great. On the inside I can feel myself smiling at her. But I'm just not doing anything really.

So the "hi"s and waves stopped now. But I feel like I'm way too attracted to her. I don't know her name, I don't know anything about her at all. But at night my mind goes crazy with her. Every night I used to imagine her and me together. A stupid thought. At least I think it's stupid. Hell, I even had dreams of her and me together. God I hate myself. I don't want this. Especially since once I passed by her and her friends once. What I heard was unusual. As I walked by I saw her friends look at me. I heard them whispering. The girl says "What? No!" Was that about me? Maybe. Later on that week, I was waiting for my ride home, and her friends pass by me. I hear a "How can she like him? He's always listening to music." That might be about me. I listen to a ton of music. All the time, especially during my first few weeks where I always needed to wait for a ride home. And more dreams of her and me. Wow. As if my brain is trying to mess me up. I am in no mood for a relationship, I'm not even social. I've been trying to avoid her, to forget about her, and just when I believe I haven't seen her that day, she pops up somewhere.

I was waiting for my ride home once, and I was using my laptop. I was waiting on the first floor. Suddenly, I look up to the third floor. She was looking at me. How did I know? I have no clue.
I felt hopeless. How was I supposed to interact with her? I WANT to try to talk to her. But, knowing me, nothing will happen. I have no ability for small talk. I like long, winded conversations that can split into different topics. That doesn't happen on "first talks". Lets say she came up to me and asked me about my opinion on PEDs in baseball. I could talk about that forever. Ages and ages.

But that won't ever happen. I wish I could spend time with her, be with her, all that. I just feel depressed when I see her, because I can't talk to her. I really can't. I feel worthless.
Waldoz53 Waldoz53
18-21, M
Dec 12, 2012