I hate who I am n how I think... I hurt those around me because im miserable with myself.. the worst part is I don't even know what would make me happy I don't know what to do... I feel lonely I have no female friends I have nobody I can talk to who I can be honest with about how I feel n think n that she would not judge. .. I have low self esteem so even though my husband tells me I look good n tries to make me feel better about myself tries to make me see what he does I don't believe him.. I feel like he just says that to make living with me tolerable. . So I seek the attention of other men.. I feel like if another man says that im attractive then it must be true because he has nothing to lose... ive cheated on my husband before because I felt lonely n unappreciated I felt like all I was, was a mother a wife a cook a maid.. I felt like I lost myself like I lived for everyone but myself n when I got caught he forgave me n I ended it n after all the things we went thru we both changed n things have been better but that loneliness I felt has never gone away. .. that need for attention is always there I don't feel good about myself unless im wanted n yet even that is temporary... he has changed n helps more n makes me feel more wanted n appreciated but I like little gestures like when we were first dating n I don't get that. .. I see my friends on fb which aren't necessarily real friends but anyways I see them get little suprises n gestures of want n love n I can't help but want that too.. recently the guy I had an affair with 4 yrs ago contacted me n we started talking again but was not planning on seeing him again because I know after all the bullshit before it would be devastating but I lead him to believe I was wanting to see him again n my husband found the msgs so hes angry that I was talking to him again n he believes me that I haven't seen him but of course doesn't believe I wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten caught. . He says the only reason he didn't leave me is because he knows I didn't see him again but he's hurt n has a right to be.. he didn't deserve to be hurt because im a mess a narcissistic person.. im afraid he is going to leave me sooner or later n I don't wanna lose him.. he says that I did this for a reason he asks me why what's missing what did he do wrong what do I need n I can't answer it because I don't even know. . But I do feel empty lonely like I live for everyone else but myself like my life is a constant routine I need help
birdy8421 birdy8421
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 20, 2014

I decided to do the selfless thing n let him go... im sure he isnt happy obviously who can blame him im incapable of making him happy so he deserves to be happy with someone else