Can You Go Back?

Everyone has heard the miracle stories of broken relationships restored, given new life, or improved.  I know they exist.  But what about those who live with the constant pain of loss--not necessarily of the relationship itself i.e. divorce, but the numbing day to day existence in a relationship that has long since gone sour.

Certainly no one enters a relationship (at least not on purpose!!) that is sexless, affectionless, or romanceless from the beginning!  But, somewhere along the road--for a variety of reasons---long passionate kisses become short pecks, and sex becomes routine, infrequent, and mechanical if at all. Long hugs, cuddling, and the other "spices of life" that make a marriage a place of refuge in this world become relics of the past rather than the pleasure filled experiences of the present. To be sure reasons for this breakdown abound.  Some are legitimate perhaps, but many if not most are not.

Sometimes it is the long kiss or passionate embrace that makes the difference between sanity and insanity in a world that has become quite cold and indifferent.  Why would anyone want to take that away from someone they supposedly love?

I would venture to guess that the vast majority of those reading this would not seriously contemplate infidelity (alhtough are probably tempted regularly) and do not want to consider divorce.   They endure with the hope that things will somehow get back to "normal."  That is my hope and pray for all who are part of this experience.  Can you go back?  I hope and pray that that is so.

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9 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Makes me wonder what all the crap is about Gay marriage. Good lord. Who needs it? Marriage that is.<br />
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70% of all men cheat. 40% plus percent of all women. Why bother having this institution? You all don't really believe in it. <br />
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Remember, you only live once.

Am I the only husband here who has a wife who still finds me sexually appealing and wants sex? But, my problem is, I just don't get turned on to her because of her prudish attitude.<br />
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You know, if I'd never seen just how sexy she is during those adventures we shared it might be different. But, damn, I desired that woman and miss her so much now!<br />
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I love my wife but I desire the woman she showed me she could be, if she wanted still wanted to.

I don't think it's so much about sex as making that special connection. And it's not a gender problem - in my first marriage it was my husband who was the cold fish and I couldn't get enough. It was he who "relented" once a month maybe - and then I usually wound up crying myself to sleep because it was so cold. <br />
The second marriage has been much better but I've still felt like something was missing. He's much older than me and has Alzheimer's - so there is no physical intimacy of any kind or conversation with any meaning to it. It's a heartbreaking situation when, for whatever reason, that special connection is missing. When it's there I think a 15 minute quickie or a two hour love feast would always be lurking around the corner.

Just wanted to say that i feel your pain, every bit of it, i am too in a sexless marriage. I think that it should not count as infidelity if you are blessed to have someone to help you restore your human aspect of yourself, even if it's not your spouse. Good luck with your search for sanity and gratification, i hope you find someone that will not take advantage of your situation, and someone you can trust. <br />
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There is no shame in admitting that as humans we have basic needs that need to be fulfilled, these needs when not fulfilled we turn into angry, frustrated and depressed individuals, even the ones with the most self control still most likely feel this way. There is so much one can take and i feel your nostalgia and realization that "the spice of life" is being striped away from your life. My heart goes out to you as i am searching for a solution to my similar problem...

Just visit "affair" sites and you will see how many lonely men and women are out there. Affairs are not fixes, but they do help you restore your balance and energy. I think only a few people are truly monogomous and I believe only a few couples have that special connection that makes long-term commitment work. But, as a society, we have bought into the myth. I could go on and on, but at the end of the day, everyone has to do what works for him/her.

I am no longer married to the sexless woman, because she died of cancer.<br />
I thought, and when I'm despondent I return to thinking, that she intended to hurt me so I would leave.<br />
Yet, in the week before she died, during one of her few lucid intervals, she looked up from her hospital bed with tears streaming down her face and said " I only wish I had been a better wife to you." and, for a moment, the rage and hurt, the insecurity and loss of self-worth all seemed pointless, a trifle, because, when she had nothing left to gain, nothing left to lose, and no reason to lie, said only, as simply as she could " I'm sorry".<br />
Don't be too late to tell her that you love her anyway. Don't be too quick to rage at her disinterest, if not actual hostility to your **** and every part of you. Don't be afraid that she is 'getting over on you' as the kids say.<br />
And DO be afraid that one of her last thoughts will be " I'm sorry I wasn't a better wife to you."<br />
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Because I promise you don't want to sit up nights wondering where YOU went wrong, what YOU did that made her feel so horrible that she used the last of her life to try to make it up to you.

I often ask myself the same questions you ask. Unfortunately relationships, men, and woman are all complicated. I think of a relationship as a new boat just dropped into the ocean. After a little while some barnacles and algae begin to grow below the surface while everything looks good above water. They you begin to wonder who it just doesn't move as well as it used to it's because you are neglecting things you don't see. <br />
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As a man I've come to realize that what I want on the surface is sex but below the surface I want intimacy and unfortunately I don't give out the vibes of a guy that wants intimacy but rather the quick fix of sex. My wife feels that and begins to feel like an ob<x>ject that can get what she wants if she gives into my "needs" on some regular basis. That's not what I really want and it doesn't make either of us happy.<br />
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What we both want is a strong relationship filled with compassion and ultimately passion. The key for me is to ask myself at the end of the day before I walk into the house is "what would I have done 15 years ago when we were just dating?" Would I comment on something that was done wrong, no. Would I ignore her beauty whether or not she's taken a shower, no. Would I walk by her with a simple touch, no. Would I surprise her by taking on things like dinner, cleaning up, and the kids, yep. All under the auspice of helping her because I love her, want her, etc but without sex as the end game. That seems to come on its own.<br />
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It's weird though that if you were to ask any guy if they would do ANYTHING for their woman to make her happy and they would emphatically say YES. As guys we all want sex, gratification, etc and it takes about 15 minutes. Unfortunately woman are much more complicated (and refined) than us so asking for that 15-30 minutes of help just doesn't resonate the way it does for men. Then again there are those few women that understand men and realize that the house just runs better if everyone's getting a little action. In other words they know they can run the roost by keeping their man in the palm of their hand molding him like clay. Not sure if that would make me happier but sex wouldn't be my issue.<br />
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Anyway I too share in your frustration and simply live every day to the fullest and have removed sex from the equation. If it happens, it will happen. My Wife knows my door is always open and that I do what I do because I love her. <br />
Not sure if this helps or makes any sense.

I too share your pain. I don't think it is something our spouses have chosen to do it just happened. Time goes by, life gets busy and those simple beautiful little things in life get lost.<br />
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I miss the little things. In fact this is why i am on here. I hate that i am but i need to find me again and without some of those things i am lost.<br />
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I truly hope you can find happiness and peace. Love from one who shares the same day to day desires. May you enjoy each other again soon. Or find away to survive through it.

Get out quick!