A Sexless Marriage From A Female View...

So you're in a sexless marriage..now what?? I have found there are more complaints from men being in a sexless marriage than women. Have you ever wondered why? I've read many stories, including those in this group and I find that most are missing some very important aspects of the relationship and I think a female perspective would be of value to you. Now, I'm not saying that all women share my view but it's possible that your wife may have some of the same views, so pay attention!

Once upon a time... we met you and we tried our hardest to flirt, show off, make you want us, make you love us. We spent hours getting ready. We did our hair, we put on make up, we made sure we had every little detail taken care of down to painting our toe nails. We paid for over-priced bras and lingerie. We watched what we ate. In fact most times, we ate before we met you for a date because we didn't want you to think we ate like a "pig". We thought about you constantly but not in the way you thought about us. We thought about long romantic walks in the fall. We thought about kisses in the rain. We thought about watching movies and cuddling. When we thought about what the "first time" would be like, we were thinking about what we'd be wearing, what the room would look like ( candles), we were thinking about how it would feel to finally emotionally connect with you. We wrote your last name down behind our first name to see how it sounded. We dreamed about the perfect wedding. We dreamed about having our first baby and what an amazing experience that would be, how it would bring us so much closer together. We dreamed about always kissing you good night, always cuddling you. We dreamed about you always being there for us, sharing every laugh and every tear. We dreamed about how we would walk through life together, like two trees that stand alone but sway together. We imagined ourselves growing old with you.. watching our children have children.

And then... after we got married.... the reality set in...

All of the sudden things aren't fun anymore. Now, we divide and assign "chores" to be done around the house. We get secretly irritated because you don't do things the way we do and we don't do them the way you do. The sex that we once really enjoyed is like a re-run of Happy Days, something you still enjoy to a point but only want to watch it because nothing else is on. We've already tried everything, in every position and now.. with 3 kids under 10, we'd rather sleep. We argue and fight over parenting issues, money issues, your family, my family, jobs and even the small things like remember to put the toilet seat down or replacing the empty toilet paper roll.

Here are some of the main reasons why "we" might not have interest in sex with you anymore...
1) When we have sex with you, we are reminded of how many times you have violated our trust. It doesn't matter if it was a serious offense like adultery or it was talking smack about us to your mother. WE REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
2) When we have sex with you, we are thinking in the back of our minds about all the mean and hurtful things you've said over the years whether intentional or unintentional, you've hurt us and you probably didn't even know and if you did, you down played it and said we over reacted.
3) When we have sex with you, we may feel bitter that as you age you get better looking and women get worse looking. We've had your babies, we have stretch marks, we have flab, we have less sensations in our vaginas because we pushed YOUR huge babies out of it. We breastfed YOUR babies which made our boobs look like saddlebags.
4) Men are jerks by nature- along the way, you've helped build up our wall against you. Every time you looked too long at a younger, thinner, more beautiful woman, YOU DAMAGED US! Every time you made a suggestive comment about another woman, YOU DAMAGED US! Every time we walked in on you watching **** or lusting after another women.. YOU DAMAGED US!

5) Men are stupid- You have made us feel inferior and really it's just your nature to do so. When you disapprove of our cooking, our cleaning, our child rearing, our career choice, our weight, our family, and our brain.. we remember..

6) This is probably the most important... try eating mac n cheese everyday of your life.. or maybe just 3 times a week and see how sick of it you get... Yup, that's it right there. You sit here and whine and complain about all the sex you aren't getting but have you ever stopped to consider that the sex you're offering isn't worth wanting?

You want us to be a good housewife and a **** in the bedroom who rolls over for the same ole same old and screams like a **** star... Yea, right!! It's time to get real! Over the years, besides all the above stuff you're guilty of, you've gotten fat! You have more love handles to love these days and it's not exactly eye candy if you know what I mean. Over the years, we've learn to accept you and love you, including your "short comings" but the truth be told, your hairy back doesn't turn me on in the least.

Suppose you work out, stay in good health with no hairy back.. then I guess i'm not talking about you. Maybe.. just maybe you're BORING!!!! No matter what position you're in.. you will still have the same penis. It will feel the same, you will still do the same things during sex because you are still the same person.

So many women have never even had an ****** and that's really your fault! We don't want to hurt your fragile ego by telling you that we fake it either every time or the majority of the time. Yea.. yea.. we know.. surely i'm not talking about you because " you take pleasure in making sure your woman is getting pleasure and if she isn't you aren't getting any"! Yadda yadda.. we've all heard it before.. the same one liner that only dumb or mute women really believe.

Rule of thumb- if you haven't seriously screwed up in your marriage and damaged it beyond repair and there aren't any medical issues.. you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and find out what you can change to offer better sex!!

P.S. I wish you the best sex ever!! Good Luck!


A Female Sex Addict

*Newly added*

The having sex once a week or once a month is really the same coping mechanism that men use when they watch ****. Oh,  you thought men were the only ones that had a need for " variety"? Think again!! Women are actually more sexual by nature because women can have multiple ******* while men can only have one at  a time. If women wait once a week or even once a month, the sex feels some what different or at least we some what forget how much it sucks and we wait a month and try it again!!

Men rarely see their short comings at all! As you get older, your penis isn't as hard anymore which can cause less satisfaction to an already worn out (baby birthing) vagina that lost a lot of sensation during child birth. Check yourself!! I have found that most men are not aware of how much they really suck in bed. It's a male thing, I've never met a male who thought he sucked in bed, have you? Stop blaming your wife for not getting any and take the time to really look at yourself.  Stand naked in a full length mirror and ask yourself if you would have sex with you.

While you are taking the time to reexamine yourself and the situation at hand, don't look to **** to give you ideas on how to spice things up in the bedroom. It's idiotic to look **** as sexual instruction when the women in **** are faking ******.

Educate yourself on sex, intimacy and spirituality.
NobodyKnowsWhoIam NobodyKnowsWhoIam
26-30, F
76 Responses Jul 28, 2011

Wow, not much in your life has went your way has it? Yes men can be jerks, but you need to own up that women can be certified ********, even if they have a good husband. The problem is, you can't be fair. You just tried to blow a hole with your woman canon when evidently you are bitter, and can't see pass that what youare feeling is eating you up inside. You are ruled by your emotion, and when a man does try to be good, all you remember is the bad and never recognize effort. Instead, you measure your man up to a fantasy and are let down when he isn't the hero, he's just a regular man trying his best, and its never good enough. Men aren't perfect, but stop acting like you're a damn victim, because women can have more vicious tendencies then men.

Ya what ever

This is awesome, and bang on!

Did you ever consider perhaps your husband may just be feeling the same way, but may not be coming across about it the say way? You may not be the only one suffering. Blaming never solved anything...that is of course if you want to solve the problem at all. You're in this together. It may just be an idea to get out of it...together. It's not just about you...or just about him...it's about you both...together in your union.

hi dear im shiva u like sex pls call me 9250044117

have you ever asked yourselves "how did I become such a naggy *****?"

Most men cheat because of a sexless marriage

I would so hate to be you hateful and sexless.

I LOVE YOU! ;) My stupid EX husband never could get why I wasn't accommodating in the bedroom. You listed all of them, his multiple affairs with men and women and wandering penis was top on the list, it was flaccid whiskey penis most of the time and he had the MOST annoying habit of putting his thumb beside the shaft which just hurt me like crap to make up for it(like we wont notice) since we divorced in 08' Viagra became popular- I wonder if that improved things for his limp member. Ive got the stats of a model so it wasn't ME. His new wifey he cheated on me with is now unsuccessfully trying to have his kid for 2yrs. Gee-I wonder why she cant get pregnant- Methinks its HIM,not her. Rock on and read this carefully dudes.

Probably correct in many ways. Probably cathartic for the author too. And certainly, it would only be fair to allow that you (the writer of this) are as frustrated on your side of the equation as some man is on the other. So of course, I have no right to counter any of this with a bitter rebuttal, nor do I have that desire.

Still, it does feel like this deserves some kind of counter-opinion, if only to try to offer some equal clarity from the other side.

To start, I get all of this. I get that I'm older and maybe less attractive than a 22-year-old fresh out of college. I get that, as much as I do around the house, it's probably -- no, certainly -- not enough. I get that I don't listen as often or as well as I should. I get that I don't always exhibit the patience you (the proverbial, female you) were hoping for or the understanding that would make you feel as heard as you -- and all of us -- need to be, to feel loved and cared about.

I'm working on all of that.

Just as I'm sure you understand and are working on the fact that, yes, you're not as slim as the day we got married too. And yes, I also feel like there's a lot of sameness in our sex life... hell, our regular life in general... that I wish you were as willing as I to change. I'm sure you understand that I too, believe it or not, also crave to be heard and to have the things I care about cared about by someone who says she loves me. I'm sure you also understand that there probably are things I've done for us that you didn't notice or didn't appreciate as I'd hoped you would.

But all of this, to which I hope you'll not react with defensiveness or bitterness, even though this conversation seems almost perfectly designed to cultivate both... is still lacking or even ignoring one very crucial truth: Namely, that all our differences and dissenting opinions aside, the relationship we're in does not simply include sex as a luxury or desire it as a pleasure, it needs it to survive.

To put an even finer point on it, if we don't make love... we kill it.

Yes, there are couples out there who have mutually agreed that they, neither of them, is all that interested in sex. But they are extremely, extremely... extremely... rare.

Among the estimated 16% or so of Americans that live -- feel trapped in -- a sexless relationship, very nearly half of them feel a desperation that's most likely well beyond their partner's comprehension about the current state of affairs... or lack thereof.

If they feel anything like me, they love their partners and hope for a life together as it was originally planned, but within that life... they had hoped for much more of the bonding union that sexual intimacy and only sexual intimacy with a lifetime lover can deliver. We can make jokes about sameness or hair in places it shouldn't be... we can make complaints about who is more tired or who does more work... but the bottom line is, to make the marriage last... you have to make it last. And for at least one partner if not both, in almost every case, that absolutely, positively demands more sex.

Better sex? Sure, let's perfect it if we can get to that level. More romantic sex? Sure, that would be great too. Fitter sex? Sure, let's run and diet and all that stuff. But let's start right now with more sex. A whole hell of a lot more. Meaning never again a six week interval or even a two week interval... or one-week intervals, if we can help it... and without the begging or eye-rolling or "let's get this over with" toxicity that poisons the whole meaning.

I don't know what sex means to you (again, the proverbial you). But to me it means a lot more than just f*****g. There's that too, of course. But it is, in exactly the way you (proverbial) feel like true listening what your husband should do, the essential way I hear my wife saying "I love you." I appreciate that so many other things she does say it as well, but this is the one I need or feel like I will die without. Yet, even now as I write this, I feel like I'm dying without it at my core.

So yes, I read your post with a smile... even a smirk... on some levels. But I can't help but feel that it misses something essential. It misses the fact that, while so much of it might be true, I'm over here feeling sad, desperate, heart-sick, on the brink of breakdown over the massive, overwhelming sense of rejection... and sense of inability to do or say anything about it to reverse the situation without hurting her feelings or putting on the defensive. And none of what you say above seems even close to ready to comprehend that.

If I could give this post 1000 hearts I would. Outstanding! I went from a Sexless to a Sexy relationship with a partner who was also in a Sexless Marriage (for 20 years). We have talked about all the topics discussed on this forum and are in a great space to carry on this way into the future. The is more than hope, there are choices to be made and action to be taken. Just do it!

Interesting, probably to the point, but then on the other hand I have met many women like you ,relationship experts, unable to maintain any serious ones on their own.
Are you related to my wife? The only big mistake I have made in the marriage ,is not being the druken abusive partner she obviously enjoyed all her life.
So here we are today, and since she was always an expert with the use of her body to get what she wanted from any man, she also knows what to withhold to destroy a relationship quickly. In the end , it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong, but who has the clearer conscience when it ends. If the only tool women choose to use is their body, then it was never a real relationship from the start.

While I agree that probably most men think they are far better in bed than they are, I don't think that men should bear the full responsibility for ensuring that a couple's sexual relationship includes variety and sexual satisfaction for both of them.

I also thought that the list of things the original poster listed at the beginning of the post -- women's eating before dates and fantasizing about kisses in the rain -- sounded like what girls, not mature women do. Any woman who thinks that those things are what marriage will be like is immature and has very unrealistic expectations for marriage and for adulthood.

And I see that no one has gotten a response from you here. That does not bode well for my expectations that you really DO have a heart, and could help me, maybe. I am going to look this over and try to glean from it what I can, but, it's pretty harsh. I have to try and parse out the anger or whatever I feel coming from you, and just get the good from it.

Okay, first I thought I was really going to get some advice, and I did, sort of. Then, as I continued to read, the words became a crescendo of hostility and resentment, and by the time I got to the end, I was very surprised this came from such a young woman of 26-30 years of age. You sound as though you have been through the wringer, alright. But, you also sound angry as hell. What is this YOUR baby stuff? OUR baby would be more like it. And you tell us you are a sex addict, then whack us for viewing **** when times get tough? I don't get it, but then, I'm a guy, and guys are stupid. Well, I'm not stupid. So, guess makes me a special kind of guy. The kind that still DOES all those romantic things you mentioned. The kind that changes HER baby's diapers (I married a woman with a 29 year old totally disabled and retarded daughter) at 3 am, and again at 7 am, lifts her into the tub and out, watches jazz music videos with her to calm her raging fits, because she doesn't even have a throat that's normal, we TAKE those walks, when she isn't in too much pain (she has fibro), and we DO cuddle, we DO watch non-**** movies together (I would never even DREAM of introducing **** into our lovemaking unless she asked me to try it). I cook 90% of our meals, half of which are RUINED because her daughter throws fits and we have to stop and find out by process of elimination what the problem is. I am the kind of guy who fixed everything that had broken down in this house since her divorce, and I am the kind of guy who said, yes, I, too, will never cheat on you, just as you have said you will never cheat on me. I am the kind of guy who does the wash and sees to it my wife has plenty of chocolate hidden in places around the house, to surprise her when she has an "attack" or a craving. I am the kind of guy who will repeat, for the third or fourth time something I said, because his wife is geeked out on pain meds. I am the kind of guy who pulls her close to me in the middle of the busy day, and says I love you, with a gentle kiss and warm hug. I am the kind of guy who will do, or try anything she would like me to do to please her in bed, even if that changes each and every time we get together. I am the kind of guy who has been told by her that I am huge, and that she loves it, and who has learned how to make her squirt, repeatedly, into the double digits, to the point we need to change the pads we use under us.

And now, I am the kind of guy who feels just a little bit hurt, because she doesn't seem to want me much any more. She had a hysterectomy, and cannot take testosterone replacements because she had a bout of ischemic colitis, and it could kill her if she takes any more. She is just as hurt by the sudden change in our sex lives as I am, and the **** is just now starting to hit the fan. We're both in our mid 50's, and have only been married for two years. I am scared and confused. We shout at each other because we both get hurt cuz it's hard to go from staying up until the birds start singing in the morning, to nearly nothing, all within a year. We say we're sorry, and make up, and try to get through another day.

She is a remarkably beautiful woman, but doesn't like being told, because her demented ex used to mockingly parade her around, and embarrass her in public about her beauty, then return home, only to get drunk and abuse her. She used to make me feel like King Kong, and now, I feel insignificant and undesirable. She is depressed because she cannot do the things she used to like to do both in and out of the bedroom. I have suggested that, to please me, at times when she doesn't need or want me, that perhaps she could pose for me, but that went over like a lead balloon. She caught me pleasuring myself while staring at her voluptuous cleavage as she watched TV, and THAT caused another argument.

I am the kind of guy who is just trying to figure out what to do next, for us both, and the last thing I needed was this kind of story to make me feel even more like **** than I did when I started reading it. The only consolation I have is that I probably don't have it as bad as any guy you decide is no longer good for anything. We ARE trying, but, we've only lived 50 years here, and don't know it all yet, like you seem to.

Now, if, on the other hand, you are NOT mean, or resentful, or any of those things others might have said below, and you want to offer some kinder words of advice, I will be looking for a more heartfelt response. I don't intend to cheat on her, nor she me, so that's out of the question.

You should post your own story in the ILIASM forum, or this one - you will likely get some useful advice. Ignore this person's bile.

so the woman can do no wrong . woman need to say this is boring let try something esle

*slow clap* I am going to save this for when I get "old and worn out".

Wemon or men we all make the same mistakes. Some may be more gender specific but in the end one is just as guilty as the other. Everything you said could ne wrapped up in one sentence "treat your women good and it may pay off" and if we are getting out of shape or unattractive let us know! A little motivation goes a long way

Lol someone dont like men

Amen, amen, amun , anun, to that. My hub doesn't give me or gas ms, I'm so tired with the kids, it becomes a hassle, a chore. God, once a week would be nice. But his ho rny a s s, always wants it. God! He wasn't like this when we married.

allow me to say B,S, Yes there may be many men that are guilty of any number of things you mention but try this on for size .Ive tried the flowers the compliments the candles and the messages. Ive tried the long walks the long talks. Ive tried to seek and understand the hidden meanings of my wifes sometimes cryptic comments and looks. i ve done the cooking the laundry so she wouldent be exhausted at bed time i shower daily before bed ,ive supported her education all the way thru medical school. ive waited long hours hoping for her attention while she prepared lectures for the classes she teaches,then additional hours while she corrected or reviewed the work of her students. ive tried to make our sexual life interesting and diversified and asked iif she would like anything new or different including sex toys.having done all that i can probably count on one hand the number of times we have had sex in the past six months. as been said on tv women use sex as a reward while men use sex for recreation and to show deep intimate connection to their wives and dont blame all men for the problems in your life or the perceived problems of all women admit there are women who fall into the catagory of not wanting or needing sex in their lives no matter the circumstances

Doesn't matter if you did all that, she's not attracted to you. Had a guy try that, but he was the least bit appealing.

Excelent .I am in a virtualy sexless mareiage and youhave helped me tremendously.and I think everyone should listen to this advice

I happened across this unfortunate post again and noticed this: " Women are actually more sexual by nature because women can have multiple ******* while men can only have one at&nbsp; a time."That doesn't mean women are more sexual by nature. That's biology at work. When a woman has an ******, her vagina and uterus have contractions. The vaginal contractions help her partner reach ******, the uterine contractions, which can go on for a little while afterward, help get the ***** where they are supposed to go more quickly. It's been shown that having ******* during sex increases the chances of pregnancy. That is why women are designed to be able to have many in a short period of time.<br />
<br />
Sorry, I'll stop being a geek now.

And that is why woman would want and enjoy sex better, if she actually or gas ms, but hey, it's about 90% mental, anyway. If she's not into you, it's not happening.

<p>While you raise some interesting thoughts, there is more to it than that. At least for me.</P><br />
<p>My wife has never liked talking about sex. Period. So it is really difficult to find out what she likes when she refuses to tell me. I want her to enjoy what we do, but if I get NO FEEDBACK, all I have is trial and error, hoping to do something different that elicits an approving grunt or exclamation - anything! This way, that way, fast, slow, lights on, lights off, warm, cold, indoors, outdoors, laying down, standing, sitting. However, if she REALLY doesn't like something, then I'll hear about it. So at least I know what definately won't work. But as far as anything that she likes? Forget it.</P>

She needs you to take control and do what you like .she may not talk about it but when its right there she will show you what she likes .so take the reigns and ride on.

I wish. What she likes is for it to be over ASAP.

Taking the reigns, though, is excellent advice. Wilco!

Lol , are you sure that you take your husbands needs into consideration
I doubt

It is sad that for one to be called a loving husband this 21st century , you have to be your wifes doormat accept any crap .

Marriage is not worth it at all , most men want to have more sex with more dignity in Marriage but this does not work , my advice to single date and have fun better than to be deprived of sex just because someone can not forgive .

Amen! Tell it like it is!

No seriously , tell us how you feel.

i understand some of this...and i wouldnt mind if my wife cheated just to get some variety...or any sex at all since i dont give her any.

What nonsense. Guys, I just want to put in my $0.02 and tell you that NOT all women share these views and opinions. Hugs to you guys going through this.

I LOVE this! Haha, you had me laughing.

Wow... you raise many good points. You clearly illustrate how anger may well be at the core of all this unkindness.

<p>Some interesting and very humorous views. There's always two sides to a story and when we hear about someone in this situation, I think we too often take the side of the denied.</P>

Really? What man screwed you all up? If women simply had sex with their men once a week we wouldnt even be here typing all of this useless complaining.


Wow what a generalized response. I've read books, gone to a therapist, and spent tons of money on trying to figure this out. Some of what you say may be true but as I said generalized. Unfortunately I think both sexes are to blame but at the end of the day it come down to communication and working on it. I do work on it I do communicate I work 65-70 hours a week come home do the dishes and ask her about her day. She works to and does the laundry. We share the rest including the kids. I buy her cards and flowers make her meals and try everything to make her life good. Good point about ******* she never had one with me but before the Internet I didn't know that was the point and she never brought it up no matter how many timed I asked how to make sex better. I love it the way it is was the response. Again you made a very generalized response and perhaps you think as you say all men are stupid on EP but I have found most to be educated and in this group the majority are trying hard and staying faithful although we are all screwed up. My comment may be that like my wife perhaps some woman are are self absorbed and unforgiving. Your advice is psych 101. Once you have tried all of it for five years like I have you come to the above conclusions. I spent today and yesterday doing everything except cooking the turkey. I am now online but she was 3 hours ago. Like you said maybe I'm stupid. Happy Thanksgiving.

Married 21 years and son 4 now ..... But since the conception sex maybe 5 times total ...... Totally screwed up the relationship. Tried waiting, giving space, flattering, blah blah but all one sided no reaction at all. LIFE seriously sucks ...... At point of thinking to end it (suicide) but could not face puting son through the anguish and emotions .... Just can't find an answer ..... Problem is
I love them both to bits but it is really ******* my life up......

As I expected. You assume all the things done to impress in the beginning have gone by the wayside on the male side. So what if your a spouse who does more then his 50 % , never missed a card for a birthday or anniversary for over 13 years(not once). I guess when as a female you think your perfect, we can only do wrong and be responsible. Well guess what woman are not perfect, and I disagree that there are more women suffering from the same SM, just don't choose to share it. I feel sorry for those with closed minds and to the woman out there in the same boat, I feel for you , cause having a woman who wants and needs the attention as we do , has never been something I can understand, you would nevr hear no from me, with your advances/

Blah blah blah blah bullsh@&! I married a princess and she has turned into ursala the seawitch. I have tried to help her with EVERYTHING! AND whe have had numerous discussions about sex and she told me what she wanted to have happen before she would "feel in the mood". I have done those things and still nothing. Women, after they get married just give up, don't care. Example, my wife when we were first married would: have sex in a model home, or anywhere else now "we cant go outside someone might see", now she sits on the couch burps farts and looks like a beached whale.

ursala the seawitch. - That made my day


This made me laugh, made my day! Funny :)

i actually believe that men see sex as a totally different activity that women. men have sex purely for fun/enjoyment or simply just the need, its in their DNA i think to shag anything that moves haha. my husband loves me dearly and as ive written before i am not as 'easy go lucky' with him as a used to be, and i beleive that if my husband went out and sought this pleasure somewhere else, it would purely be out of frustration, however, when women have sex with other men they seem to get emotionally attached and crave their love and attention, that is where we go wrong ladies, sometimes we just want a good shag too! i dont beleive that anyone can be 100 percent manogamus their whole life and i actually don't have a problem with that at all. men dont always want to 'make love' they just ****! as crude as it sounds it's true! me and my husband have an understanding now and it works for us both, as long as he doesnt humilate me he can seek whatever he needs, although i dont actually think he has yet. I am a great beleiver of what you don't know can't hurt you.x men and women are just wired differently. That is all.

I disagree. I'm married and I have a baby. I look fan f***ingtastic after one month of giving birth. My vagina is in fact still in excellent working condition. I can still squirt. My husband still loves me and wants to have sex daily at least twice a day. I no problem with that because we don't have the same old boring missionary position bed sex. When you get married, I think people should venture to other sexual adventures besides the bedroom. I mean the other day I had sex with my husband in our car at the mall's parking lot.

why do some people write as if or think all women are the same?<br />
<br />
- it's that typical lazy Cosmo mentality - "20 celebs WE love". <br />
Patronising brainwashing.

As I read some of these comments, I do find a lot of the amusing and sad at the same time.<br />
Currently in somewhat SM, I decided to open the discussion up last week and wow what a mistake that was.<br />
If I wasn't in a completely sexless marriage then I am now, and most of it will now be by my choosing. While I spent months and years and accepted that menopause may be playing a large role in the whole SM thing, I discovered that it has now become a convenient tool instead.<br />
Given what I know and understand about my wife, I truly believe she never wanted and surely does not now want to be married to someone (or have sex with) who is not drunk most of the time and abusive the rest. Things like remembering every anniversary, saying I love(and rreally meaning it) does not matter. I have also learned that destruction of a man's self esteem can only occur if you allow it to happen and in discussion when you make it clear she is no longer successful at it or with doing all the games end.<br />
Discovering a few lies and deceipt after the discussion just reinforced what I thought was occuring and now I have a whole new perspective on the situation. <br />
I realized and then discovered that all the bashings I took on various subjects and the constant denials at having sex ,were really an attempt to drive me to stray and then be the quilty party. Well she lost cause I discovered after each weekend of her type denial and attacks, Monday morning would come and she would contact a male freind in town to most likely reinforce her ability to flrt and feel attractive and keep her skills honed.<br />
The lucky part for her is this person is exactly what she is atracted to and now I am going to do everything in my power to see that they have all the time secretly(they think) together.<br />
I know exact way they have reacted when time was availablle so I am going to help create even more. I just finished 6 months of Chemo treatments and had hoped and wanted throughout that time, just a little passion(not just sex) the touching the findling and even if I was only the giver, just to help me feel grounded and put a purpose in it all. Didn't get it, didn't care in the end and did what I do best survived and continue to.<br />
My project now is to see how long she can survive in this SM doing it my way.

I am female and married and I don't believe in any of the venting BS you put here. I think most women do not put out because they aren't getting sexually satisfied. It may be good for the men but not so much for the women.

"do not put out" -- that's the key to so much of this though. And if that is the thought process for the woman then it is hard to get fully satisfied - on both sides.
So I would add the thought that some folks get "head aches" and others never get that kind of head ache.

Somewhere in here was a post about how for the poster's wife sex was work - or a work out she wanted to do - sort of , well maybe not today.

For my wife I think sex to ****** is a little like ice cream - "I like it but not all the time and today - well maybe - naw just skip it."

Meanwhile -- I am just a caged animal. Without ED as to this bitter post.

I would love it if my wife had any interest in sexual satisfaction. She refuses to talk about anything sexual, before, during or after. For me, it is all guess work and trying to read her face (with her eyes closed, of course) to see if she is enjoying herself or not. I actually wonder if she is afraid of ****** - she would lose control. Or maybe she doesn't understand that she really doesn't have to go pee, but she is actually about to squirt. I don't know if she's ever had an ******. God knows, I've tried. Before I got married, I was with at least two women who were definately orgasmic and had ******* with me. So I know I can do it, (thank God) but those women talked with me, so there was no guess work.

It's post like this that serve little or no value, since it is assumed it's all going one way.<br />
From my side I have never onece in 12 years missed an annivesary ,birthday, or the opportunity to compliment or say I love you, All of which seems meaningless now.<br />
Some woman just by nature love to play games and unfortunately sometimes relate all relationships with past failures. I am done playing these games, if your choice is to be a loser magnet and seek freindships and practice your flirting skills outside the house, have a great time. At this point there appears little to lose, as wiht this writer

I went through 'it's me' phase and did everything on this list. The simple fact is that my wife is not interested in sex. I stopped asking her or even suggesting sex. It was all so pointless. I have accepted that she is like that. She won't do anything about it and appears to be very comfortable with that position.<br />
I can't be bothered to watch her dress, something that I used to enjoy. She has never been affectionate and has only initiated sex once about 15 years ago.<br />
We go out, have nice dinners, dates and vacations. We share the housework and are always working on projects together. If you eliminate the fact the we have have sex only once or twice a year, we have a good marriage. We care about each other and have raised two great young men. <br />
She enjoys sex when we have it but generally pulls the plug after two *******. She sometimes suggests that we just have a 'quicky' after a 6 month drought. I guess that's guilt kicking in. Variety or imagination is never on the menu.<br />
It is not me but her who decided that sex is not important. Like I said, I will never ask her again or even suggest it. The next time that she suggests sex, an event for which I am not holding my breath, I will be declining and telling that she is not worth the effort or the usual disappointment. I want her to feel what it is like to be rejected just like I have become accustomed to.

Big mistake. Denying your wife sex is EXACTLY what she has been praying for. SHE WILL NOT MISS IT, DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF. If you told her your plan, she would probably laugh inwardly and wonder if you honestly believed your foolish plan would work.

I had the same thoughts and actions. Truely pointless. My wife never had a clue that I was "punishing" her by denying her sex. I said no - she said OK. Never came up again.

Wow, what a mammoth debate this caused! Fascinating reading.

Well, you sure did write a lot of things that are true and did make me think. I still have the time to adress most of them.<br />
But still, what I made from your story is this: men and women are simply not ment to live together. There will always be ups and downs. And where are we, when all you can think about are downs? You remember all the negative parts of the relationships. How fat we get, all the **** we watch, all the times we hurt you, all the things you do for us, the children you carried for 9 months, the cildren you gave birth to, the children you breastfed, the children you raised and so on. And of course men are to blame for everything. <br />
About your ideals and dreams and so on...there have been studies about how romantic movies are destroying relationships, just because of this ideals they create. You're right, women never forget. And they don't forget these things. Also, men don't forget what they see in ****** and want to try it. And they don't get to and don't blame you for it.<br />
Then you go on saying how women are by NATURE more sexual than men. This is where you are wrong. It's not about ******* and pleasure when you are talking about nature. When you have ****** it does little to your reproductive natural cycle. Women are by nature designed to bring offspring into the world. Not to have pleasure doing it. When a man has an ****** he ********** *****. That is ris sexual natural role. Men are supposed to inseminate women. And we can do that a few times a day. You cannot get pregnant 2 a day. Don't mix nature and pleasure. And lets just ad babies into the mix...does a lion help with the cubs? Does a dog play with the puppies? Does a father swan look after the ducklings? NO! By NATURE man ***** a woman and ***** off. Whati is the ratio between women who want babies and men who want babies? Is it really we dammaged you? If you think that is the case it is your own fault for having kids.<br />
As you said you too get less attractive and well...old. But men still want to have sex with you. Who is then the picky one.<br />
I thank you for giving a fresh perspective on things. I really do, despite that I don't agree with you on a lot of things. Will try to incorporate things you've said into my relationships and hopefully make them better. Did add you as a friend to see what more you have to say.

How can I get my husben of 12 years to want to have six with me He makes me fill like he douse not want to be with me and the only ressen he is with me is becouse of the kids.He is 42 and I am 32 I still want him to want me like he use to to where he could not keep his hands off.I have tryed to talk to him and he just acks like it is ok please help and till me how to get use back where we where 13 years ago

Start by working on your spelling perhaps?

Three problems:<br />
<br />
1) The fact women get sold--often by other women--on the "Prince Charming/Soulmate" bullshit sets them up for this form of failure, especially for women who get sold on the "value" of a virgin wedding night that ensures they're inexperienced and naive enough to not make an intelligent decision about who they end up committed to.<br />
<br />
2) An unwillingness or inability to be honest enough when things are not working to make a serious, meaningful change like getting out of a relationship you're miserable in. This leaves people--especially women--in situations dealing with frustration that can actually be changed.<br />
<br />
3) An irrational and/or unrealistic view of human aging as well as expectations about development and relationships creates really screwed up expectations about human relationships.<br />
<br />
Honestly, biology isn't nice. Pregnancy has consequences which are also not the same for everyone. If you didn't want them, all you had to do is not have kids. If you're upset that younger women might be interesting to men, go chase women or find a new man that's exclusively interested in older women.<br />
<br />
Likewise, if you're sick of a guy and/or unable and/or unwilling to make an effort to improve his sexual skills with honest feedback and interest, then it's time to take some responsibility for your own happiness and leave. If men don't do it for you, chase women. <br />
<br />
Ultimately, the more you choose to lay blame more than seek solutions, the more miserable you stay and the more emotionally helpless you become.

YOU SAID IT SISTER! I'm actually not married and I do have regular sex but this is PERFECTION! what a good way to shove it in there faces! *battle war cry*

<br />
<br />
1) Some people have deep sex Trauma or Fantasies and will never tell that to you. NOT EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS... and maybe you think the problem is with you...BUT IT IS NOT... this maybe caused by abuse, religion, guilt, a previous sex behavior that you never imagined about, some ancient love or any other idiot thing you would never think is the reason... If that is the case you need a short step for healing... not couple terapy but individual terapy... talking maybe a way... but some secrets you will simply never get extract.. .<br />
<br />
<br />
For that theres is 2 ways only:<br />
<br />
a) You make it better for them... so they start to like WITH you<br />
b) Search a new partner <br />
<br />
3) For your partner eyes (and maybe for all others too) you got boring, wrinkled, bold, more fat, less interesting, stupid, dumb, full of known deffects... etc... THERE IS NO MORE EXCITEMENT IN F.....ING WITH YOU ANYMORE... YOU GOT TO CHANGE... Sex just for the obligation of being marriage is same then food without<br />
salt.. .******... if you are not very hungry you wont eat it... <br />
<br />
That is same for sex no salt and she/he wont f....k you<br />
<br />
4) Little things you said or did may cause a huge disappointment AND THIS CAN GROW ON YOUR PARTNER MIND TO BE A ICE BUCKET ON SEX... Try to find it and fix it.. <br />
<br />
5) Your partner no longer admire you as a mate.. just as a friend or father/mother ... BE A MEN... BE A WOMEN... NOT A SISSY FRIEND OR A BORING MOTHER<br />
<br />
6) Do you really satisfied your partner ... What I mean are you any good in bed ? Sincerely ... and not "good for you"... not trust what they say... try to FEEL the truth.. not hear it... what about your other girls /guys ? (not valid to ask to that horny sex partner of your teen years... woop... rethinking .. that maybe a good idea ... after all some new sex can come from an old pall<br />
<br />
<br />
8) Money, kids, job, depression, fat, feeling ugly or old... all these are huge turn offs... HUUGE... any of this requires a lot of counseling and PATIENCE. You must solve the cause first.<br />
<br />
9) Virtual Sex is a disease and is causing thousands of marriages to fail... after all nobody will please you better then yourself... same valid for your spouse... specially with the help of xvideos... TRY TO AGREE ON BANNING INTERNET SEX <br />
<br />
10) Some people NOT LOVE THEIR PARTNERS anymore... but are found of them so they will not admit it.. .maybe for money... maybe for fear of being alone... maybe for kids.. .TALK without any pressure and try get the true... do not show your shocked<br />
or will die if you hear the truth... show that this is very important for the happinness of both of you... if you need to hear the true ... be dirty.. say what she or he needs to <br />
confess without worries that they are simply using you... and worst of all... not for sex...<br />
<br />
<br />
12) If you are depress TREAT YOURSELF... only therapists like sex with people with mind problems... if your spouse is not one.. then cure yourself or her if is the case.<br />
<br />
14) Try new positions, New Locations (very important), Touch new places, the whole body can be estimulated not only the penis or vagina... LEARN TO MAKE SEX RIGHT !! HIRE SOMEONE IF YOU NEED..<br />
<br />
Researches says 70% of people does not know either how to get pleasure or to give it... 30% are lying...<br />
<br />
and more...<br />
<br />
HAVE FUN together... SILLY FUN... BASIC FUN... <br />
TALK MORE about each other without subject like the boring problems of life.. .be interesting !!!<br />
<br />
DO THINGS that you know will turn your partner on (if you do not know what are those things that turn he/she on... The problem is either the number "1)" or the number "You"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TO RUSSIA, TO MEXICO, TO AMSTERDA (There definetelly)<br />
<br />
<br />
TO **** YOU

i am in a kind of sexless marriage, solely brought on by myself, i have been with my husband for 12 years and love him and children dearly, i just dont want sex anymore. we used to be like rabbits! any spare time we had was used up having sex and for some reason since the birth of my youngest child (who is now 4) all that matters to me is making sure the house is clean and food is on the table. i haven't spoken properly to my husband about it but it is now clearly straining our relationship, he is gagging!! and i simply am not. I do fancy him, and when i get going, i love it! i just don't feel the same as him about sex. i am seriously considering letting him go elsewhere or just letting him go.

There are all sorts of men out where... I was hurt by some and healed by the others.... I am in sexless marriage, but I am not sexless any more... I have a passionate lover... Guess what? He is in sexless marriage too....

The name of this group is "I Am a Husband in a Sexless Marriage"...does that describe YOU? Go Away.

You are blocked and flagged

Good read! Totally connected and made me laugh :]

WOW, I read what you wrote and wonder I guess if it doesn't seem to be one sided.<br />
I have been married for 12 years now (3rd marriage for both of us) and know without question that there is not one ounce of selfishness in my body when it come to making love or being intimate with my wife or any other woman in my past life.<br />
I am more then willing to spend the time and give the attention needed or required to see that my partner is into the situation. I actually find more pleasure in giving then receiving , since I find a woman is most beautiful when completly aroused and lets herself go.<br />
What does puzzle me is now due to the wife's menopause all forms of intimacy is gone. Not allowed to see her naked, no passionate kissing, not touching, nothing oral and in most cases not even allowed ti make jokes or discuss sexual issues or make comments. <br />
Understand I love this woman more than anything else in this world.Even with little or no sexual attention I have remained faithfula dn hopfule that this will all pass in time.<br />
The hardest part is knowing that in her past there was a many year affair with a married man (company president), and that she was very sexually active both during a single period and when married. There were no hang ups when it came to giving oral to men and even a quickie here and there just because she wanted to you.<br />
She has a way about her that would make most men melt and there is no doubt she could have and has had any man she wanted through the years. The difficult part is most of these encounters were meaningless and more for her benefit of feeling sexual and showing men what a fantastic partner she could be and finding her own satisfaction in it. I have been with many women in my life and I can honestly say my wife is at the top of the charts when it comes to giving oral, taking what she wanted when she wanted it and making love heart and soul with every inch of her body.<br />
Beautiful delicious, exciting , warm tender , tight , enthusiastic, responsive and willing.<br />
I can remember making love 4 or 5 times in a day , going down on her for hours just to see her compeletely aroused and wmating more and more, Agreeing to make love every day for almost 2 weeks when first married to see if my appetite could be satisfied.<br />
Well that's all gone. I haven't changed , do my share of the chores and then some, respect her and love her even in this sexless situation .In most cases respect the fact that she has little or no interest most of the time. Funny part is I am not looking to get my roxks off, I would be perfectly content to go down on her , touch her and find the satisfaction I always have in looking and feeling her delicious body and know the woman who is truly my soulmate and equal lies within.<br />
Why was it so easy for her to have meaningless relationships and give herself in any way she was wanted and now when I want all of her the right reasons it's not there and little effort is made to offer it.<br />
I recently completed ny 13th Chemo treatment and could use the intimamcy more than ever in my life, from the woman I absolutely adore and it's not there.<br />
Guess I am not buying your side of why woman lose interest>>>>>.

Also... you women need to stop blaming men... stop being so self conscious. If he's not doing it right then Tell him what you want! dont expect him to just know! He's only going off of whatever vibe you give him. But also! know that you need to give in order to recieve.

ok, so... this conversation occured eons ago. But, I stumbled upon it and am compelled to respond. Don't know if anyone is still following it, but here goes: It can be incredibly difficult for females to have an actual ******. I am 29 years old and experienced my first like squirting ****** last year. I was so surprised by my squirting that I read into it... didn't know it was possible for women. I completely identified with what I read. Some women have the natural ability to *** just like men do. But for the majority of women, it's more about the mental situation than the physical. A woman has to be completely comfortable with a man, trust him and just... IDK trust is the biggest thing. We have to be comfortable. Most of us women obsess over our "flaws". We can't be comfortable in bed because we're too worried about how we look. We don't even notice our guys flaws... we only worry about our own. I am with a man that, by society's standrads, is out of my league. He is a body builder... 6 pack, chisled allover kind of dude... but under his clothes; he has pimples, moles, "unsightly" hair and blemishes just like the rest of us.I work out and all... but I've gotten wide, a bit flabby in certain places, pretty sure there' s cellulite completely visible in my thighs and butt, I have horrible feet, callused "man hands", mild acne, scarred kneecaps from scraping them up as a child, a big nose.... I'm just naming all these things that I know about myself but that I'm ok with, hope ya get the point. I was lucky enough to find a guy that showed me that as long as I was engaged and as loving as I was that he was paying zero attention to any of my "flaws" and that he hoped I wasn't paying any attention to his. Basically he showed me how to first of all RELAX, second, enjoy and third... eventually return the favor. Once I relaxed I was able to *** like a maniac. I becam so in to sex that I started looking at **** while I was alone... thinking of awesome new fantasies for him and I to play out. THEN one day I was so bored I wasnted to see if I could make myself squirt. I ended up making myself squirt 3 times in a row. That unlocked a lot of madness! lol Since then I get turned on by everything. He looks at me a certain way and I wanna just drop my pants... his touch is honesty electrifying at times. I *** along with him during intercourse just by hearing the noises he makes while he's coming. I rarely squirt unless he's fingering or licking.Basically what I'm saying to you loveless lovers is that you need to... give it 110 percent always when it comes to pleasing each other... and maybe, if you know one particular thing your lover is self conscious about... cellulite, wrinkles... flab in this place or the other... find a way to let them know that you embrace it. lick it, bite it... hump it... whatever. Once heir insecurities are eased it may unlock some awesome stuff :) Once you know your lover will do anything and everything for you oin the bedroom you will do the same for them and that means that there is endless possibilities of the fun you can have :))

Wow, what can I say? You are pissed! And, some of the points you make are entirely valid. However, what bothers me in general are the sexual stereotypes that abound when discussing sexless marriages. I have found these to be particularly rife on EP. <br />
<br />
If a man is in a sexless marriage, it seems to be a given assumption that it must be because his wife is frigid, or something wrong with her emotionally or medically. Automatically, it becomes the fault of the woman. People can protest that such assumptions are not made unviersally but it coems damn close to it. <br />
<br />
Whereas, if it is a woman talking not getting any in a sexless marriage, the general assumption seems to be that there is something wrong with her: did she gain weight, not take care of herself, not bathe regularly, boobs sagging, whatever! With those unfair assumptions come the men who want you to prove your 'fuckability' with revealing photographs. That's a whole separate topic in itself. <br />
<br />
While I can't say that I agree with a lot of what you say, (I feel more sadness for my husband than anger at him.), I do think men should perhaps, do a little more soul-searching and be willing to talke their fair share of the blame. There are after all, two peole in every relationship.<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your unique point-of-view. I hope you won't take to too much flack for it. All opinions have some validity and are necessary to complete a very complicated picture. Take care. JQ

I agree with juliannaq that sexual stereotypes "abound" when discussing sexless marriages, but her examples are dead wrong about who is assumed to be at " fault" for it. As evidenced by virtually every female comment here and almost every book about this topic, it is always assumed that the man is at fault. If a man complains about a sexless marriage, he's a jerk who doesn't do enough chores, isn't a good dad, doesn't talk enough, isn'tromantic enough, or isn't a good lover, and thus, he has no business expecting his wife to ever make love to him. And if that same guy has the temerity to refuse a once a year advance from his wife, he's an even bigger jerk (never mind the thousands of times he's been rejected by his wife). But if a woman is in a sexless marriage and wants more sex from her husband, that's the husband's fault too because he must be either gay, having an affair, a **** addict, or just plain cruel. Ladies, please stop posting your husband bashing comments here. You have plenty of other places to do that.

Exactly. Spot on. <br />
You've basically just described my life with the boyhusband I married.<br />
<br />
That's what happens when real women get involved with little boys. They haven't a clue what we need or how to honour us as feeling women. They can't respond to the subliminal cues. <br />
<br />
I am well into a healthy relationship with a real man who has emotions, empathy, is pretty lusty himself and knows exactly how to turn me on - he cares about things in the home, he cares about what I wear even. He drives me in bed, he plans activities ahead. He LISTENS. I can't wait to see him. And he is reliable in his communications when we are apart.<br />
<br />
And does things that a boy simply can't comprehend.<br />
<br />
Example:<br />
I took my new partner to watch Swing dancing. He said I need to find us lessons because he wants us to "rock the floor" together. God. What a man. Why? because that was Friday and on Sunday he reminded me to enquire about dance lessons.<br />
<br />
Why? <br />
Because I could feel it wasn't about him wanting to dance, it was about him wanting to satisfy the need in me to dance. <br />
<br />
Why? <br />
Because I know it doesn't really matter to him whether he dances or not, but he wants us to learn together and he's keen because he will be part of my learning. It's not about him and I can feel it.<br />
<br />
Why else? <br />
Because I know he would be in it for the long haul until we were pretty darn good. How do I know that? Because he has the tenacity for making things work like superglue on perspex. And he cares. About a million things. Cares.<br />
<br />
My boy husband would have got himself all worked up - if that was what he thought HE wanted. He may have even gone to the lessons, but then when he realised he wouldn't be world class in two lessons, given up. The dancing would have been all about him. Not about me. I loved dancing. I used to dance when I met him. He never ONCE took me out dancing. In 14 years. (Incidentally, he never bought me a diamond engagement ring - car speakers etc were more important.) He may have seen me as someone to do his new dance lessons with, but it would never have been about fulfilling any wish or desire I had ever had.<br />
<br />
But that's not it. It's HOW he does it. My man looks into my eyes and I can see he is INVOLVED. In US. That's what matters. Even if we never have dancing lessons, what matters is that he could feel that I wanted to, he asked me if I would like to learn to dance. Then an hour later he had obviously considered if he'd like that too and decided he wanted to. It's about consideration for what I want and the miracle that I didn't have to tell/instruct him on my desire to dance.<br />
<br />
I always had to guide and instruct the boyhusband. He couldn't feel or observe me, he was too wrapped up within himself, no matter what he projected or tried. It was so sad to be in that position of not being understood and my needs were not being met. His need was sex and me giving him an income. He was a filthy man, had no interest in a cleanish tidy-ish environment and didn't care that I couldn't live my best in a pigsty. I withdrew both after years of traumatic empty voids in his treatment of me. Because no matter how I guided him, he could never seem to "get" my basic needs, which are not much different to those of any other woman..<br />
<br />
It's about caring if the dustbin stinks the kitchen out, saying "Yuk the bin stinks" before I even have that thought. It's about wanting to be with his kids, about wanting to be with me, about wanting us all together. About having a picture in his head and making it happen. Together. For us.<br />
<br />
It's about "feeling" me when we are apart and sending me a text about something not conversational to "get me thinking" about being with him. It's about him wanting to be with ME. Not just for sex and companionship, but for the feelings involved. It's about him also being scared about diving into a feeling, learning relationship, but we both do it anyway. And we've discussed it. Upfront. Lovingly. Not just something that evolves and then is discussed afterwards.<br />
<br />
Not to mention the erotic stories and things he'd like to do to me that he whispers in my ear whilst making love. My God I used to dream of a man like this. I can't keep my hands off him and interestingly, he isn't all over me normally. He comes across as a normal guy. But he acknowledges me. I feel it. It's my truth.<br />
<br />
It's a fine line.<br />
But he's got "it".

This is a complete crock of bull****!!! If a person has these kinds of issues with their spouse, withholding sex isn't the response, COMMUNICATION is. <br />
<br />
I would prefer my wife to come tell me exactly why she is sexually turned off, so i can either fix it, or if it is something unfixable (like she loves me but doesn't "like me" in that way), leave the marriage - no hard feelings.<br />
<br />
What i cannot tolerate is the B.S. that my being more romantic, less romantic, more aggressive, less aggressive (you get the idea) will somehow make a difference when she has already decided that it will not!

I was definitely smiling throughout reading your post, very entertaining. I think it's refreshing to hear such an honest point of view from a woman, especially with all the "I'm an abused Wife," and "I am an ignored Husband" circulating on here.

Wow........men and women just think differently....throw sex into the picture and the whole thing becomes even more complex. I think it's sad that we were created as sexual beings because there is so much more going on inside our heads...or is there? For me, sex has served as a tool to get what I want because, quite frankly, men are idiots in this department. And I'm not an angry, bitter, closet lesbian....intellectually, I prefer the company of women because they are deep thinkers....generally...men seem to only want sex. But, again, they are wired that way so I guess I'm SOL. I've been married several times, had children, now a grandmother...I can't play the sex card anymore because I just don't want sex anymore...never really did but that came with the package of a relationship with a man. Am I weird or just more spiritually evolved? If I have learned anything about myself in 58 yrs. it's that I don't need a man to complete me. I am not sexually attracted to anything yet starving for intellectual companionship beyond blogging..

The fact that you believe that men and women think so differently is evidence that you aren't spiritually evolved at all, so given the option you left yourself, you own it. Your juvenile mindset is the antithesis of enlightenment. How you managed to make it 58 years and learn so little about people is intriguing, and sad. And if you have to tell us how angry and bitter you aren't, you are.

I see this post has struck a serious chord with some. My post was not meant to inflame, it was written from my point of view which is clearly states in my OP. I'm not writing all of this from my personal life. I have taken bits and pieces from what I've heard other women say. I don't share all of the views that I've written about. This was meant to shed some light on reasons behind women withholding sex and frankly, just to be funny. I'm glad some people didn't get butt hurt by my post and could be an adult and take it with a grain of salt. <br />
<br />
For those of you that are trying to personally attack me because I've written an article that you don't agree with, GROW UP!

i totally agree and understand everything you said. its a very cruel reality but we have to rethink and consider. thanks for the post.

Please do everyone (including yourself) a favor and show this story to any future mate so that they may know what they're headed into.

Even if the woman is the refused: <br />
<br />
"When we have sex with you, we are thinking in the back of our minds about all the mean and hurtful things you've said over the years whether intentional or unintentional..."<br />
<br />
still holds true. Except we also remember every time you shoved our hands away, told us you'd rather do something else (how insulting) and every time you had your excuse ready to 'head us off at the pass'. So, later, even when you (not necessarily "YOU") decide later that you want sex again after all....we're gonna be thinking about all that. I know that's what goes through my mind now that he's been more sexual. All I can think is "You know that's all the same **** you didn't want six months ago."

Very true!

The vicious responses in this thread demonstrate the exact cold qualities that drive loving people to be sexless. The lack of empathy, the lack of understanding and the cold, nasty self-centred, harsh and totally un-called for ripping of this post are typical of what happens when a pack of cold unfeeling creatures gang up on a softer creature.
It was bad enough for me to live with one of these reptilian creatures. And here's a whole pack of them, crudely responding to something they'll never truly understand the depth of.

Better if these creatures just kept to their side instead of hijacking and assulting this post. It's might help you to keep within your own heartless tribe. What this post needs is support from feeling people. Not from creatures that can't truly feel emotions, so they manipulate and get vicious or mortally threatened when their subject doesn't submit.

It takes TWO to create a sexless marriage and everyone has a right to voice their side. It's NOT all about the "hapless" victims who don't get it.

You poor, misguided girl. You may learn as you grow up that there is a distinct difference between being "wise for your years" and being jaded and bitter.

Wow, so bitter. I can see and agree with some points of your post. I can see why my wife can act the way she act. If my wife feel the same way you are feelings, I'm glad I'm getting a divorce from her. I know you don't need, us man, point of views or our sympathy and love. Take care and be well.<br />
<br />

Angry people bum me out... I just retreat from them. It is reasonable to see fault and act on it... it is unreasonable to think you 'tango alone'.

Dear NobodyknowswhoIam - <br />
<br />
Your anger is really, really saddening. It has made you sick and will keep you trapped until you begin to learn that you no longer need it. <br />
<br />
In the mean time there is no man alive who could ever meet your standards, because they are inhuman standards. They make you inhuman, which is one reason you have become such a horrifying shell of what once was probably a complete woman. Your soul sounds more dead than alive. Its as if you've ended up as a junkie for blame and despair.<br />
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You can break out of this, but it will never happen as long as you keep clinging to your unyielding man-hatred. Ask yourself what you will see if you look back at yourself in another thirty years. Do you know what you would want your life to have meant? Is this mindset helping you become that person? <br />
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There are far too many pigs in the world who masquerade as men. But that isn't all of us. Most men are real and vulnerable people. We live in a society that tries at every turn to turn us into those pigs you detest, but most of us are stronger than that. We may not always find the courage to admit it. But understand that for men, marriage can become a prison when our wives mature and their spiritual selves change - as if they were single. They change without even a glimpse of understanding that they are in a life partnership with a man who gave up everything believing he had found his soul mate. They squander the souls of their mates and it simply never occurs to them that they have become toxic. We are trapped because we cannot understand how not to love our wives who have become our killers. It is our destiny to give ourselves to our wives and our families, yet live out our lives cold and alone. Our last moments are filled with confusion and regret. <br />
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Good luck.

GA, Your words are falling on deaf ears. You can't explain the difference between the nation's debt and deficit to a three year old. Back up time twenty five years...you would have been roughly her age. She would have been a toddler; and one in need of a good stiff spanking. Right now, she's toddling about her world screaming to everyone that Santa Clause isn't real. She won't learn about those inner love things until much later when she actually matures. Standing on a chair yelling, "I'm a big girl now! Everybody look at me! I'm sooo pretty!" Doesn't actually qualify her to actually BE those things. And at the rate she's going, sadly, she may never get THERE. You, sir, on the other hand, might want to adjust perspective a tad...just a suggestion mind you. No offense meant. But sometimes children need to stay in the playroom when adults are having their conversations. This, I think, is one of those times. Just sayin'.

Ahhh. Ya have a point. She hit a hot button with me. I've been married for 30 years to a woman who slowly became a refuser for what seemed at the time like innocuous and temporary reasons. I was the one who stood by her ... and I've been an unwilling celibate for nearly 15 years as a result. So I'm a bit testy about some of this.

But what really hit me and brought tears to my eyes was another post the OP has up about her relationship with her mother. My wife grew up with the same toxic mother, except the OP seems to have had it even worse. No wonder she is seething. She is entitled to every bit of that anger. Just, maybe her target isn't always who she thinks it is, I dunno. I do know that a hateful, toxic mother is perhaps the worst excuse of a person who ever crawled out from under a rock. I won't criticize the OP; my heart goes out to her.

There's slight feeling of camaraderie I feel when I read you. I'm with the same woman for 31 years myself. High school sweet-hearts and all. I won't bore you with details but I've experienced some similar things. The OP struck a chord with me when she insinuated that 'since she's experienced something, then that must be a truth for everybody'. Well that's an illogical stance to take. It leaves every comparison subject to syllogistic analysis which would invariably end up invalid. And on a personal note, it disrespects the woman I’ve been attached to for 31 years. So rather than get angry, ‘cause my button was pushed, I watch. I read and I realize that she’s just like I’ve described earlier. Now, of course, I’m well aware that she’ll read these bits of dialog as we banter back and forth, but my reaction to anything she’d have to say now(even if she agreed) would be simply, “That’s nice dear. Now go on back outside to play while the adults talk.”

Aww.. and everyone is suppose to stop and listen when you talk like you have something wise to say? Please forgive.. I have seemed to really upset your ego. A real man wouldn't be so upset by my opinion. I sense a little projection in your posts. I wonder why?

Not at all. No worries here. I'm not upset, nor bruised in or about the ego. Only pointing out the obvious and warning Mr. GA not to get too wrapped up in the apparent machinations to generate comments. I'll bite though; at least while I've got nothing better to do. It's not the opinions differing that causes pause. It's your delivery. Even now you support my assessment of your immature conduct. "A real man..." as if to insinuate you know something about me. You've made an assumption, once again, and assume that anyone who might not agree with you isn't a real man. That is also invalid. Thanks for the white board comment by the way. It too supports my comments about your conduct posting to a "T". Keep up the good work. You make me look good; like I'm some sort of prophet or something.

2 More Responses

26 and already on your second marriage. It's not you, it's them. Yeah, right.

Oh for ****'s sake. <br />
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That is all.

Good sake? or Bad sake?

I agree with 'We women remember everything'...in fact we have the memory of an elephant. But our memories are selective...for some strange reasons we can always remember the hurtful, disrespectful or inconsiderate things our husband said to us. Some of us find it very difficult to forgive and forget...when we have a fight, we threw it all back at our husband...just to get even..<br />
After saying that when I am cuddling up to my husband in bed especially when he is naked, I can never stay angry with him for too long...<br />
One thing for sure, If I am disrespectful to him, I know he will not want to have sex with me either...

Wow (that's all I've got to say about that: WOW!!!). On a sort of related topic-- I do Keagel (sp?) exercises to keep the va jay jay tight. (I hate the idea of having a droopy vagina). A tight wee wee makes for more fun-- for guy and gal!

Wow! I agree with everyone's points here. There really are no absolutes. What 'NobodyknowswhoIam' is saying though is brutally & refreshingly honest about why we women stop wanting sex with me. I am currently though in the boat of I AM the sex addict, begging for passion and am constantly being asked to settle for quickies that neither arouse me or leave me satisfied. So I have insane desire for amazing very frequent sex, but because my man is such a lazy, boring lover with low self esteem who is frightened to open up and explore his sexuality with me I find myself not wanting sex with him when he tries for it. Then he says, "See I am trying to have sex with you, it's what you want, but now you don't want it." So a catch 22 sets in for us and we fall into a cycle of resentment. So yea, both parties may desire sex, but both parties have their deeper reasons as to why it's not flowing for them. There are no absolutes. The only thing we can hope to achieve in any relationship is completely open honest communication as to where we are and why we think we are there so our partners can understand us and have a fully informed opportunity to choose whether the relationship is something worth sticking through and working on or moving on. Unfortunately far too few people are even that aware of or honest with themselves let alone other people. That's the biggest disappointment. The lack of sex then just becomes a casualty of that tragedy. :(

Wow! I agree with everyone's points here. There really are no absolutes. What 'NobodyknowswhoIam' is saying though is brutally & refreshingly honest about why we women stop wanting sex with me. I am currently though in the boat of I AM the sex addict, begging for passion and am constantly being asked to settle for quickies that neither arouse me or leave me satisfied. So I have insane desire for amazing very frequent sex, but because my man is such a lazy, boring lover with low self esteem who is frightened to open up and explore his sexuality with me I find myself not wanting sex with him when he tries for it. Then he says, "See I am trying to have sex with you, it's what you want, but now you don't want it." So a catch 22 sets in for us and we fall into a cycle of resentment. So yea, both parties may desire sex, but both parties have their deeper reasons as to why it's not flowing for them. There are no absolutes. The only thing we can hope to achieve in any relationship is completely open honest communication as to where we are and why we think we are there so our partners can understand us and have a fully informed opportunity to choose whether the relationship is something worth sticking through and working on or moving on. Unfortunately far too few people are even that aware of or honest with themselves let alone other people. That's the biggest disappointment. The lack of sex then just becomes a casualty of that tragedy. :(

Thank you! I'm in the same situation. Many women may feel the same way that we do but not be as honest as we are. I have told my husband that he sucks in bed and he takes that as he's not moving correctly.
He lacks compassion, passion, empathy, understanding and frankly just being loving.
Because of his ways, I crave male attention. I love it because they desire me. They have a lust and a passion for me that he does not. I know it's only for sex but it seems like that's the only way I can get what i want. Pathetic really...

Your profile picture seems to say it all - you are the center of the universe, adored by men. Every good man know exactly what you want, without you saying a word. Good men, of course, are telepathic. Unfortunately, you married a BAD man. He has no telepathic powers, so he is unable to meet your needs, because he doesn't know them. Woe is you.
Perhaps you could actually TELL your husband what it is that you want, instead of making him GUESS. So how long has he been moving differently, trying to make you happy, while you haven't had the good sense to actually tell him what it is that you want? What could the problem possibly be? Look in a mirror.

Great POV (point of view) I love hearing a small piece of what things may be like for the guys (and gals) who are experiencing this problem. However, there is a tendency to transpose absolutes into explanations whenever they are felt or experienced. Example: in your last paragraph you state that “What I'm telling you is there is a REASON why she's not into having sex with you and it's not because she just doesn't feel like it.” The part where you interject “it’s not because she just doesn’t feel like it.” Is a personal absolute and it doesn’t fit every situation therefore becomes invalid. It may very well be that she just doesn’t feel like it. I’ve been with the same woman for over 30 years now. She’s an old fashioned country gal and was raised that the female genitalia was for one purpose and one purpose only. Doing “it” to get pregnant and bear children to work the farm. In her family it’s thematic, once child bearing is done, so is sexual ex<x>pression. We’re working on it. But here’s my point. Because this is a learned behavior ingrained in her being, there are slews of times (for weeks on end) that she “just doesn’t feel like it.” There are other factors involved at other times. Nothing is always so simple. I only wanted to let you know that because it may not have ever been the case for you, doesn’t necessarily mean that it can’t be the case for someone else. As a side note: I was a member of another site that had similar discussions. Most of the women there had been hurt badly in relationships. The tendency for them to become the judge, jury and executioner out to strike back at every male alive was a phenomenally high one. I started to become very sensitive to being beaten about the head and neck for crimes others had committed. I’m so glad you’ve given your perspective. Thank You.

Most likely, there is a bigger reason why she doesn't want sex but just not feeling like it is a REASON! LOL
It is true that in some families women are taught that sex is for breeding only. I also find that women use this excuse a lot as well to get out of giving the real reason they don't want sex.
It's an easy excuse.
Just like TMJ is a great excuse for not giving oral! I'm a woman, I know all the excuses women give because at one point of another, I've given them myself.
Biologically, there is many reasons why women lack sex drive as they age. It's not rocket science. For men, it seems the desire never goes away but the quality of sex goes down significantly.

I can't tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you. You need a third party professional to figure that one out. <br />
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I'm not blaming all men for their sexless marriages, I'm simply just giving men something to think about because they seem to think women just stop wanting sex and it's simply not true. <br />
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Many men over look their down falls and let their relationships ride in the gutter for a long time. No one wants to have sex with someone they don't like. Your wife may love you but she may not like you. <br />
Even for casual sex, you have to like the person. <br />
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It's easier for men to believe that their wives suddenly became prudes and no longer want sex because they became a mother. That takes away from the husband's responsibility completely. <br />
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I can tell you that sex with my husband is maybe once a month and it sucks completely. He would tell you that I'm not a sexual person and that after so many times of him wanting sex and being rejected that he stopped asking for it. <br />
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My side of the story is that he's a complete moron and hasn't been by my side in life at the times I needed him most. He's lost my trust and I no longer wish to have a deep emotional attachment to him, thus I don't want sex with him. When I do have sex with him, I'm always thinking of other men. I dress sexy for other men. I think about the guy that flirted with me at the grocery store or the guy that winked at me at the gas station or the guy I engaged in conversation at starbucks. Just because HE doesn't make me hott anymore doesn't mean that I'm asexual at all. The same goes for many women. <br />
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What I'm telling you is there is a REASON why she's not into having sex with you and it's not because she just doesn't feel like it. Hell, with my first marriage, I didn't have sex with my husband for a year and that was because I was having better sex with someone else!

Why do you stay with this guy? You seem to be very unhappy with him and even admit disliking the "moron". Communication is supposed to be so important, especially to females, have you told him about your feelings? I think you are the one who needs to seek professional help.

Wow, great read. Both entertaining and brutally true. I can't say I feel the way you do. I am single for a reason...to avoid this from happening. I can't see ever being with just one man for the rest of my life. I am honest with this part of me. Don't have it in me to commit. Hats off to those that can, and more importantly those that remain in a sexless marriage for whatever reason. I couldn't.