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A Sexless Marriage From A Female View...

So you're in a sexless what?? I have found there are more complaints from men being in a sexless marriage than women. Have you ever wondered why? I've read many stories, including those in this group and I find that most are missing some very important aspects of the relationship and I think a female perspective would be of value to you. Now, I'm not saying that all women share my view but it's possible that your wife may have some of the same views, so pay attention!

Once upon a time... we met you and we tried our hardest to flirt, show off, make you want us, make you love us. We spent hours getting ready. We did our hair, we put on make up, we made sure we had every little detail taken care of down to painting our toe nails. We paid for over-priced bras and lingerie. We watched what we ate. In fact most times, we ate before we met you for a date because we didn't want you to think we ate like a "pig". We thought about you constantly but not in the way you thought about us. We thought about long romantic walks in the fall. We thought about kisses in the rain. We thought about watching movies and cuddling. When we thought about what the "first time" would be like, we were thinking about what we'd be wearing, what the room would look like ( candles), we were thinking about how it would feel to finally emotionally connect with you. We wrote your last name down behind our first name to see how it sounded. We dreamed about the perfect wedding. We dreamed about having our first baby and what an amazing experience that would be, how it would bring us so much closer together. We dreamed about always kissing you good night, always cuddling you. We dreamed about you always being there for us, sharing every laugh and every tear. We dreamed about how we would walk through life together, like two trees that stand alone but sway together. We imagined ourselves growing old with you.. watching our children have children.

And then... after we got married.... the reality set in...

All of the sudden things aren't fun anymore. Now, we divide and assign "chores" to be done around the house. We get secretly irritated because you don't do things the way we do and we don't do them the way you do. The sex that we once really enjoyed is like a re-run of Happy Days, something you still enjoy to a point but only want to watch it because nothing else is on. We've already tried everything, in every position and now.. with 3 kids under 10, we'd rather sleep. We argue and fight over parenting issues, money issues, your family, my family, jobs and even the small things like remember to put the toilet seat down or replacing the empty toilet paper roll.

Here are some of the main reasons why "we" might not have interest in sex with you anymore...
1) When we have sex with you, we are reminded of how many times you have violated our trust. It doesn't matter if it was a serious offense like adultery or it was talking smack about us to your mother. WE REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
2) When we have sex with you, we are thinking in the back of our minds about all the mean and hurtful things you've said over the years whether intentional or unintentional, you've hurt us and you probably didn't even know and if you did, you down played it and said we over reacted.
3) When we have sex with you, we may feel bitter that as you age you get better looking and women get worse looking. We've had your babies, we have stretch marks, we have flab, we have less sensations in our vaginas because we pushed YOUR huge babies out of it. We breastfed YOUR babies which made our boobs look like saddlebags.
4) Men are jerks by nature- along the way, you've helped build up our wall against you. Every time you looked too long at a younger, thinner, more beautiful woman, YOU DAMAGED US! Every time you made a suggestive comment about another woman, YOU DAMAGED US! Every time we walked in on you watching **** or lusting after another women.. YOU DAMAGED US!

5) Men are stupid- You have made us feel inferior and really it's just your nature to do so. When you disapprove of our cooking, our cleaning, our child rearing, our career choice, our weight, our family, and our brain.. we remember..

6) This is probably the most important... try eating mac n cheese everyday of your life.. or maybe just 3 times a week and see how sick of it you get... Yup, that's it right there. You sit here and whine and complain about all the sex you aren't getting but have you ever stopped to consider that the sex you're offering isn't worth wanting?

You want us to be a good housewife and a **** in the bedroom who rolls over for the same ole same old and screams like a **** star... Yea, right!! It's time to get real! Over the years, besides all the above stuff you're guilty of, you've gotten fat! You have more love handles to love these days and it's not exactly eye candy if you know what I mean. Over the years, we've learn to accept you and love you, including your "short comings" but the truth be told, your hairy back doesn't turn me on in the least.

Suppose you work out, stay in good health with no hairy back.. then I guess i'm not talking about you. Maybe.. just maybe you're BORING!!!! No matter what position you're in.. you will still have the same penis. It will feel the same, you will still do the same things during sex because you are still the same person.

So many women have never even had an ****** and that's really your fault! We don't want to hurt your fragile ego by telling you that we fake it either every time or the majority of the time. Yea.. yea.. we know.. surely i'm not talking about you because " you take pleasure in making sure your woman is getting pleasure and if she isn't you aren't getting any"! Yadda yadda.. we've all heard it before.. the same one liner that only dumb or mute women really believe.

Rule of thumb- if you haven't seriously screwed up in your marriage and damaged it beyond repair and there aren't any medical issues.. you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and find out what you can change to offer better sex!!

P.S. I wish you the best sex ever!! Good Luck!


A Female Sex Addict

*Newly added*

The having sex once a week or once a month is really the same coping mechanism that men use when they watch ****. Oh,  you thought men were the only ones that had a need for " variety"? Think again!! Women are actually more sexual by nature because women can have multiple ******* while men can only have one at  a time. If women wait once a week or even once a month, the sex feels some what different or at least we some what forget how much it sucks and we wait a month and try it again!!

Men rarely see their short comings at all! As you get older, your penis isn't as hard anymore which can cause less satisfaction to an already worn out (baby birthing) vagina that lost a lot of sensation during child birth. Check yourself!! I have found that most men are not aware of how much they really suck in bed. It's a male thing, I've never met a male who thought he sucked in bed, have you? Stop blaming your wife for not getting any and take the time to really look at yourself.  Stand naked in a full length mirror and ask yourself if you would have sex with you.

While you are taking the time to reexamine yourself and the situation at hand, don't look to **** to give you ideas on how to spice things up in the bedroom. It's idiotic to look **** as sexual instruction when the women in **** are faking ******.

Educate yourself on sex, intimacy and spirituality.
NobodyKnowsWhoIam NobodyKnowsWhoIam 26-30, F 83 Responses Jul 28, 2011

Your Response


Wow, not much in your life has went your way has it? Yes men can be jerks, but you need to own up that women can be certified ********, even if they have a good husband. The problem is, you can't be fair. You just tried to blow a hole with your woman canon when evidently you are bitter, and can't see pass that what youare feeling is eating you up inside. You are ruled by your emotion, and when a man does try to be good, all you remember is the bad and never recognize effort. Instead, you measure your man up to a fantasy and are let down when he isn't the hero, he's just a regular man trying his best, and its never good enough. Men aren't perfect, but stop acting like you're a damn victim, because women can have more vicious tendencies then men.

Ya what ever

This is awesome, and bang on!

Did you ever consider perhaps your husband may just be feeling the same way, but may not be coming across about it the say way? You may not be the only one suffering. Blaming never solved anything...that is of course if you want to solve the problem at all. You're in this together. It may just be an idea to get out of it...together. It's not just about you...or just about's about you both...together in your union.

hi dear im shiva u like sex pls call me 9250044117

have you ever asked yourselves "how did I become such a naggy *****?"

Most men cheat because of a sexless marriage

I would so hate to be you hateful and sexless.

I LOVE YOU! ;) My stupid EX husband never could get why I wasn't accommodating in the bedroom. You listed all of them, his multiple affairs with men and women and wandering penis was top on the list, it was flaccid whiskey penis most of the time and he had the MOST annoying habit of putting his thumb beside the shaft which just hurt me like crap to make up for it(like we wont notice) since we divorced in 08' Viagra became popular- I wonder if that improved things for his limp member. Ive got the stats of a model so it wasn't ME. His new wifey he cheated on me with is now unsuccessfully trying to have his kid for 2yrs. Gee-I wonder why she cant get pregnant- Methinks its HIM,not her. Rock on and read this carefully dudes.

Probably correct in many ways. Probably cathartic for the author too. And certainly, it would only be fair to allow that you (the writer of this) are as frustrated on your side of the equation as some man is on the other. So of course, I have no right to counter any of this with a bitter rebuttal, nor do I have that desire.

Still, it does feel like this deserves some kind of counter-opinion, if only to try to offer some equal clarity from the other side.

To start, I get all of this. I get that I'm older and maybe less attractive than a 22-year-old fresh out of college. I get that, as much as I do around the house, it's probably -- no, certainly -- not enough. I get that I don't listen as often or as well as I should. I get that I don't always exhibit the patience you (the proverbial, female you) were hoping for or the understanding that would make you feel as heard as you -- and all of us -- need to be, to feel loved and cared about.

I'm working on all of that.

Just as I'm sure you understand and are working on the fact that, yes, you're not as slim as the day we got married too. And yes, I also feel like there's a lot of sameness in our sex life... hell, our regular life in general... that I wish you were as willing as I to change. I'm sure you understand that I too, believe it or not, also crave to be heard and to have the things I care about cared about by someone who says she loves me. I'm sure you also understand that there probably are things I've done for us that you didn't notice or didn't appreciate as I'd hoped you would.

But all of this, to which I hope you'll not react with defensiveness or bitterness, even though this conversation seems almost perfectly designed to cultivate both... is still lacking or even ignoring one very crucial truth: Namely, that all our differences and dissenting opinions aside, the relationship we're in does not simply include sex as a luxury or desire it as a pleasure, it needs it to survive.

To put an even finer point on it, if we don't make love... we kill it.

Yes, there are couples out there who have mutually agreed that they, neither of them, is all that interested in sex. But they are extremely, extremely... extremely... rare.

Among the estimated 16% or so of Americans that live -- feel trapped in -- a sexless relationship, very nearly half of them feel a desperation that's most likely well beyond their partner's comprehension about the current state of affairs... or lack thereof.

If they feel anything like me, they love their partners and hope for a life together as it was originally planned, but within that life... they had hoped for much more of the bonding union that sexual intimacy and only sexual intimacy with a lifetime lover can deliver. We can make jokes about sameness or hair in places it shouldn't be... we can make complaints about who is more tired or who does more work... but the bottom line is, to make the marriage last... you have to make it last. And for at least one partner if not both, in almost every case, that absolutely, positively demands more sex.

Better sex? Sure, let's perfect it if we can get to that level. More romantic sex? Sure, that would be great too. Fitter sex? Sure, let's run and diet and all that stuff. But let's start right now with more sex. A whole hell of a lot more. Meaning never again a six week interval or even a two week interval... or one-week intervals, if we can help it... and without the begging or eye-rolling or "let's get this over with" toxicity that poisons the whole meaning.

I don't know what sex means to you (again, the proverbial you). But to me it means a lot more than just f*****g. There's that too, of course. But it is, in exactly the way you (proverbial) feel like true listening what your husband should do, the essential way I hear my wife saying "I love you." I appreciate that so many other things she does say it as well, but this is the one I need or feel like I will die without. Yet, even now as I write this, I feel like I'm dying without it at my core.

So yes, I read your post with a smile... even a smirk... on some levels. But I can't help but feel that it misses something essential. It misses the fact that, while so much of it might be true, I'm over here feeling sad, desperate, heart-sick, on the brink of breakdown over the massive, overwhelming sense of rejection... and sense of inability to do or say anything about it to reverse the situation without hurting her feelings or putting on the defensive. And none of what you say above seems even close to ready to comprehend that.

If I could give this post 1000 hearts I would. Outstanding! I went from a Sexless to a Sexy relationship with a partner who was also in a Sexless Marriage (for 20 years). We have talked about all the topics discussed on this forum and are in a great space to carry on this way into the future. The is more than hope, there are choices to be made and action to be taken. Just do it!

Make that 1001! Great post.

Interesting, probably to the point, but then on the other hand I have met many women like you ,relationship experts, unable to maintain any serious ones on their own.
Are you related to my wife? The only big mistake I have made in the marriage ,is not being the druken abusive partner she obviously enjoyed all her life.
So here we are today, and since she was always an expert with the use of her body to get what she wanted from any man, she also knows what to withhold to destroy a relationship quickly. In the end , it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong, but who has the clearer conscience when it ends. If the only tool women choose to use is their body, then it was never a real relationship from the start.

While I agree that probably most men think they are far better in bed than they are, I don't think that men should bear the full responsibility for ensuring that a couple's sexual relationship includes variety and sexual satisfaction for both of them.

I also thought that the list of things the original poster listed at the beginning of the post -- women's eating before dates and fantasizing about kisses in the rain -- sounded like what girls, not mature women do. Any woman who thinks that those things are what marriage will be like is immature and has very unrealistic expectations for marriage and for adulthood.

And I see that no one has gotten a response from you here. That does not bode well for my expectations that you really DO have a heart, and could help me, maybe. I am going to look this over and try to glean from it what I can, but, it's pretty harsh. I have to try and parse out the anger or whatever I feel coming from you, and just get the good from it.

Okay, first I thought I was really going to get some advice, and I did, sort of. Then, as I continued to read, the words became a crescendo of hostility and resentment, and by the time I got to the end, I was very surprised this came from such a young woman of 26-30 years of age. You sound as though you have been through the wringer, alright. But, you also sound angry as hell. What is this YOUR baby stuff? OUR baby would be more like it. And you tell us you are a sex addict, then whack us for viewing **** when times get tough? I don't get it, but then, I'm a guy, and guys are stupid. Well, I'm not stupid. So, guess makes me a special kind of guy. The kind that still DOES all those romantic things you mentioned. The kind that changes HER baby's diapers (I married a woman with a 29 year old totally disabled and retarded daughter) at 3 am, and again at 7 am, lifts her into the tub and out, watches jazz music videos with her to calm her raging fits, because she doesn't even have a throat that's normal, we TAKE those walks, when she isn't in too much pain (she has fibro), and we DO cuddle, we DO watch non-**** movies together (I would never even DREAM of introducing **** into our lovemaking unless she asked me to try it). I cook 90% of our meals, half of which are RUINED because her daughter throws fits and we have to stop and find out by process of elimination what the problem is. I am the kind of guy who fixed everything that had broken down in this house since her divorce, and I am the kind of guy who said, yes, I, too, will never cheat on you, just as you have said you will never cheat on me. I am the kind of guy who does the wash and sees to it my wife has plenty of chocolate hidden in places around the house, to surprise her when she has an "attack" or a craving. I am the kind of guy who will repeat, for the third or fourth time something I said, because his wife is geeked out on pain meds. I am the kind of guy who pulls her close to me in the middle of the busy day, and says I love you, with a gentle kiss and warm hug. I am the kind of guy who will do, or try anything she would like me to do to please her in bed, even if that changes each and every time we get together. I am the kind of guy who has been told by her that I am huge, and that she loves it, and who has learned how to make her squirt, repeatedly, into the double digits, to the point we need to change the pads we use under us.

And now, I am the kind of guy who feels just a little bit hurt, because she doesn't seem to want me much any more. She had a hysterectomy, and cannot take testosterone replacements because she had a bout of ischemic colitis, and it could kill her if she takes any more. She is just as hurt by the sudden change in our sex lives as I am, and the **** is just now starting to hit the fan. We're both in our mid 50's, and have only been married for two years. I am scared and confused. We shout at each other because we both get hurt cuz it's hard to go from staying up until the birds start singing in the morning, to nearly nothing, all within a year. We say we're sorry, and make up, and try to get through another day.

She is a remarkably beautiful woman, but doesn't like being told, because her demented ex used to mockingly parade her around, and embarrass her in public about her beauty, then return home, only to get drunk and abuse her. She used to make me feel like King Kong, and now, I feel insignificant and undesirable. She is depressed because she cannot do the things she used to like to do both in and out of the bedroom. I have suggested that, to please me, at times when she doesn't need or want me, that perhaps she could pose for me, but that went over like a lead balloon. She caught me pleasuring myself while staring at her voluptuous cleavage as she watched TV, and THAT caused another argument.

I am the kind of guy who is just trying to figure out what to do next, for us both, and the last thing I needed was this kind of story to make me feel even more like **** than I did when I started reading it. The only consolation I have is that I probably don't have it as bad as any guy you decide is no longer good for anything. We ARE trying, but, we've only lived 50 years here, and don't know it all yet, like you seem to.

Now, if, on the other hand, you are NOT mean, or resentful, or any of those things others might have said below, and you want to offer some kinder words of advice, I will be looking for a more heartfelt response. I don't intend to cheat on her, nor she me, so that's out of the question.

You should post your own story in the ILIASM forum, or this one - you will likely get some useful advice. Ignore this person's bile.

Will you marry me? You are a (unt and frigid dou(he but at least you are honest. That does a long way ;-)

so the woman can do no wrong . woman need to say this is boring let try something esle

*slow clap* I am going to save this for when I get "old and worn out".

Wemon or men we all make the same mistakes. Some may be more gender specific but in the end one is just as guilty as the other. Everything you said could ne wrapped up in one sentence "treat your women good and it may pay off" and if we are getting out of shape or unattractive let us know! A little motivation goes a long way

Lol someone dont like men

Amen, amen, amun , anun, to that. My hub doesn't give me or gas ms, I'm so tired with the kids, it becomes a hassle, a chore. God, once a week would be nice. But his ho rny a s s, always wants it. God! He wasn't like this when we married.

allow me to say B,S, Yes there may be many men that are guilty of any number of things you mention but try this on for size .Ive tried the flowers the compliments the candles and the messages. Ive tried the long walks the long talks. Ive tried to seek and understand the hidden meanings of my wifes sometimes cryptic comments and looks. i ve done the cooking the laundry so she wouldent be exhausted at bed time i shower daily before bed ,ive supported her education all the way thru medical school. ive waited long hours hoping for her attention while she prepared lectures for the classes she teaches,then additional hours while she corrected or reviewed the work of her students. ive tried to make our sexual life interesting and diversified and asked iif she would like anything new or different including sex toys.having done all that i can probably count on one hand the number of times we have had sex in the past six months. as been said on tv women use sex as a reward while men use sex for recreation and to show deep intimate connection to their wives and dont blame all men for the problems in your life or the perceived problems of all women admit there are women who fall into the catagory of not wanting or needing sex in their lives no matter the circumstances

Doesn't matter if you did all that, she's not attracted to you. Had a guy try that, but he was the least bit appealing.

Excelent .I am in a virtualy sexless mareiage and youhave helped me tremendously.and I think everyone should listen to this advice

I happened across this unfortunate post again and noticed this: " Women are actually more sexual by nature because women can have multiple ******* while men can only have one at&nbsp; a time."That doesn't mean women are more sexual by nature. That's biology at work. When a woman has an ******, her vagina and uterus have contractions. The vaginal contractions help her partner reach ******, the uterine contractions, which can go on for a little while afterward, help get the ***** where they are supposed to go more quickly. It's been shown that having ******* during sex increases the chances of pregnancy. That is why women are designed to be able to have many in a short period of time.<br />
<br />
Sorry, I'll stop being a geek now.

And that is why woman would want and enjoy sex better, if she actually or gas ms, but hey, it's about 90% mental, anyway. If she's not into you, it's not happening.

Who would have thought my wife was on here?

Wow! I thought I had it bad. Whilst enduring the last 10 years without sex at least I didn't have to put up with someone like you. Jeeez...

<p>While you raise some interesting thoughts, there is more to it than that. At least for me.</P><br />
<p>My wife has never liked talking about sex. Period. So it is really difficult to find out what she likes when she refuses to tell me. I want her to enjoy what we do, but if I get NO FEEDBACK, all I have is trial and error, hoping to do something different that elicits an approving grunt or exclamation - anything! This way, that way, fast, slow, lights on, lights off, warm, cold, indoors, outdoors, laying down, standing, sitting. However, if she REALLY doesn't like something, then I'll hear about it. So at least I know what definately won't work. But as far as anything that she likes? Forget it.</P>

She needs you to take control and do what you like .she may not talk about it but when its right there she will show you what she likes .so take the reigns and ride on.

I wish. What she likes is for it to be over ASAP.

Taking the reigns, though, is excellent advice. Wilco!

<p>The name of this group is "I Am a Husband in a Sexless Marriage"...does that describe YOU?</p><p>No one here gives a s-h-i-t- about your opinion on why men are worthless. Blah, blah, blah.......</p><p>Go Away.</p>

<p>Well, thank God for perfect little self-centered malignant narcissist like you to remind us every minute of everyday of our short comings.</p>

Lol , are you sure that you take your husbands needs into consideration
I doubt

It is sad that for one to be called a loving husband this 21st century , you have to be your wifes doormat accept any crap .

Marriage is not worth it at all , most men want to have more sex with more dignity in Marriage but this does not work , my advice to single date and have fun better than to be deprived of sex just because someone can not forgive .

A male friend of mine has some good advice for all men contemplating marriage, "The screwing you're getting ain't worth the screwing you're taking."

Amen! Tell it like it is!