It's Not Just About The Sex....

I don't think its about the sex anymore. Not that our sex life has improved dramatically or anything, it really hasn't. It is top of mind in our relationship but that hasn't equated into any lasting our case it only changes for a week or so and then it runs out of steam for another month, month and a half. I don't have much energy to commit to these fruitless cycles anymore either, so I am sure that doesn't help and probably is the reason the cycles are turning over quicker and quicker. The only time I find myself feeling guilty is when things are going ok sexually...this is when I should be happy, but I really am not. It's more than just the sex. The low sex, in our marriage, was really just a symptom, the symptom that drove me crazy.

I am really trying to trust my gut, trying to trust my heart, and quit listening to my rational/irrational mind. I found this quote from the late Steve Jobs and it has been so helpful in helping me trust my true feelings....

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”.....That is great isn't it?
Truth is I know what my intuition and heart wants; I just need to listen to it a little bit more. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want everyone to be happy and I want it all to workout, but the truth is I don't think I'll ever really be happy in this relationship. The sad thing is is that it's taking WAY more courage and soul searching to end this, than was ever put into starting this marriage. I can run around all day trying to fix the symptoms. But, the things I'm really trying to fix are things that were there all along I shoulda seen them going in I was just too young to notice it as a problem.
In a way that seems harder to end things without something to blame it on. At this point the indifference is the primary thing to blame. Thanks for listening to me vent I'm sure somebody else here is in this situation.
31-35, M
6 Responses Apr 14, 2012

I get laid once a year if I'm lucky. Male, early 40s in a sexless marriage. Makes me terribly sad and depressed. While I'm self-aware enough to know don't look like a movie star, I've been told a number of times that I'm attractive--and no, not by my mom. :) I work with a bunch of younger people and I get sick of hearing how great their sex lives are. The dating stories and random hookups. I am raring to go. I can still perform without the aid of pills. The curse is that at a time in my life where I've never been more eager and horny, my sex life has come to standstill. I watch **** just to remind myself what a vagina looks like. And that's not a joke. It's hard for me to remember what one feels like. Sorry to take you down this tour of Loserville, but it helps to get it off my chest.

You are right. It's not just the sex, but there is a lack of all kinds of intimacy. I didn't realize that til I left my marriage. My only regret is not leaving sooner.

The tough, part of change is that others like it less than we do. I imagine that you like myself and others have a whole bunch of people with a "stake" in us being who we are and where we are in the grand social order of our lives and expect us not to change. Even if living in our spot is slowly killing us.<br />
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At some point, and it is different for everyone, we cross a line that signals the end of hope. I don't think many people notice it at the time.But at some reflective point in the future you will spot it way behind you. Once you have done this you know you have to do something for yourself and to forget the others that want you to stay put in your slot in life. By posting on here you have started to verbalize your situation, problems and need to feel happiness. The next step if you haven't already done so is that you will begin to talk to others about it. Even if it is just in a small way. <br />
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What you need to do now is look at your options for you to go forwards in live. Your wife has already decided where and how she wants to be. Your only decision is do you want to join her or move onto something better? If you stay, suck it up and be happy.<br />
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If you want more, you are going to have to make those plans and take action. I suspect that even if you think you are good to stay, you will slowly drift away no matter what. The inner you is a hard thing to kill and is the voice that will keep you awake late at night when you are laying alone next to your wife in bed.<br />
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Sorry to sound sound grim. Make a plan for you, consider others as much as you can, but only you are responsible for your happiness, and only you can effect change in yourself. You will never change another human unless they want to or it is in their nature to make the change. Consider others input but examine their motivation and perspectives. <br />
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You will get there eventually.

My wife admitted the other night that she will never initiate sex because it's not part of her personality. She might as well have said she doesn't care about any intimacy in our marriage. This was the final nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned. I've stopped trying to give the marriage heroic life support measures. I've stopped taking all responsibility for the total lack of intimacy which she doesn't seem to need. I do think there's something wrong with her, definitely, and the problem isn't sex. It's total lack of personality or imagination and/or passion. <br />
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In her case, the term "ice water in the veins" aptly applies. She has no emotional spectrum, or much in the way of emotion at all. So, I'm basically alone. We're roommates and she can't tell the difference between being roommates and husband and wife. Although the other night she had a moment and told me that she's sorry she's boring but is happy that I love her anyway. <br />
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What do you do with that?

Did things get better for you friend?, I feel I'm in exactly to same boat.

No, and they're never going to. I simply married a woman with no sex drive or need for intimacy. She thinks that sex is what a man "does" to a woman without any participated on her part. I think it's such a 50's mindset. All I know is that I can't change her. So, I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do.

So what exactly (if anything) are you getting out of your relationship, or what do you feel is barring your exit strategy? I'm not worried about her. I know what her problem is. But you must admit you have some serious self-respect and esteem issues to stick around such a miserable relationship. Do you not feel you deserve better? Do you think all women are like this? Are you fearful your relationship with your children will be damaged and/or their lives will be negatively impacted? Do you simply lack the confidence to leave? Do you think you don't deserve to be happy, or that this is what you agreed to and you should be happy with your choice and accept it? Well I can tell you all these fears are false ones that trap a surprising amount of men into miserable relationships that men with healthy levels of self esteem and confidence would leave without much of any second thought.

I just found this group. I was afraid to admit the problem to myself, much less to anyone else. But this post is almost as if I wrote it myself.<br />
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I have a tough road ahead, but just knowing I can read what others have gone through helps.

Rated up ... yep, me too ... similar thoughts in my head. Of course, you "write" it much clearer than I "think" it ... so reading this post helps me sort things.