It's Not Just About The Sex....I don't think its about the sex anymore. Not that our sex life has improved dramatically or anything, it really hasn't. It is top of mind in our relationship but that hasn't equated into any lasting change...in our case it only changes for a week or so and then it runs out of steam for another month, month and a half. I don't have much energy to commit to these fruitless cycles anymore either, so I am sure that doesn't help and probably is the reason the cycles are turning over quicker and quicker. The only time I find myself feeling guilty is when things are going ok sexually...this is when I should be happy, but I really am not. It's more than just the sex. The low sex, in our marriage, was really just a symptom, the symptom that drove me crazy.
I am really trying to trust my gut, trying to trust my heart, and quit listening to my rational/irrational mind. I found this quote from the late Steve Jobs and it has been so helpful in helping me trust my true feelings....
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”.....That is great isn't it?
Truth is I know what my intuition and heart wants; I just need to listen to it a little bit more. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want everyone to be happy and I want it all to workout, but the truth is I don't think I'll ever really be happy in this relationship. The sad thing is is that it's taking WAY more courage and soul searching to end this, than was ever put into starting this marriage. I can run around all day trying to fix the symptoms. But, the things I'm really trying to fix are things that were there all along I shoulda seen them going in I was just too young to notice it as a problem.
In a way that seems harder to end things without something to blame it on. At this point the indifference is the primary thing to blame. Thanks for listening to me vent I'm sure somebody else here is in this situation.
TTBM 31-35, M 7 Responses 7 Apr 14, 2012