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Need Help! My Wife Hates To Have Sex...

I have been married for 22 years, I married to my high school sweetheart at a very early age (17). I would not change a thing we have 3 kids 23-22-16 so we are almost done with our kids which is a cool thing for us.
I believe a have a very beautiful wife I really really think this and I tell her as much as she lets me. I love to touch my wife I love to kiss her I love to be with her AND I love to make love to my wife and I tell her this as much as I can and like I said as much as she will let me.
She tells me that all I want is sex from her, and that I just tell her these things to get in her pants (I would think this would be a good thing instead of just trying to get in to her pants with out at least some romantic sayings or doings) but she is set in her mind that NO! She does everything to avoid not just sex but me.... If she is watching tv downstairs and I try to hang out with her she will get up and go watch tv some where else because she says she don't want to have sex with me but she wills do this even though there are other people in the room like I want to have a sex party in front of other people or something. She always does everything possible to run from me and make up excuses just not to be close to me and so "like she says" to avoid me trying. The reality is that yes I am very sexually driven but not to the point to where she needs not to even hang out with me because she is avoiding me.
I have tried everything, counseling ( counselor told us it was her fault within the 2 first sessions, then she stopped going. This was my idea talking to marriage counselor), talked to the priest 2 of them actually one a friend and another friend of our priest friend, same thing they suggested she go get counseling on her own then after a few sessions I would join her. I paid for sessions and she never went. I also tried sending her to a church re treat based mainly on one self but she did not go.
But here is why I write this and this is what I really need help with...
My wife has told me these things at different times. I have always confronted her with her comments but she is the excuse queen, she has one even if it's a lie and we both know she is lying she sticks with her lying excuse.

1. You don't satisfy me in bed
2. Hurry up and get it over with
3. I just do it so you leave me alone
4. I feel obligated having sex with you

And this is what's bothering me

I know if I said these things to her I would be the worst man ever for just even thinking this.
I think she likes sex but just not with me even though she says she enjoys having sex with me, just I want it all the time.
I sometimes feel like she is having an affair, when we do have sex sometimes she will hold me or touch or do little things that she really never has done or we have never done and it makes me feel like she is imagining someone else or remembering someone else. More than just me being paranoid!
I love sexy undergarments so I buy her lots of stuff but she never wears for me but she will wear when she thinks I'm not noticing and will wear to work and other times but will change out of them as soon as we are together.
She always has too many ridiculous excuses sometimes I have to laugh (on my own) because I just can't believe she comes up with these things and tries me to believe this. I have been with her too many years not to know when she lies or is just making stuff up.
The flowers, the lingerie, the going to dinner, the dates, the passion, the communication, the you are my partner for like, and of course the sex is just not there. I really try my best to do the right thing to say the right thing etc but been hoping for too long to make this work then she says "i feel obligated" to me!
What to do.
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elfer1971 elfer1971 36-40, M 12 Responses Jul 2, 2012

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what about a detective? to see if she┬┤s truly having an afair or is just the paranoia of it

mobi spy is a good app, no matter what they do its embedded in the phone acts like a recovery so they can delete everything in call log and text and internet and pic its all recorded no matter what. what apps they use to text or call.

Honestly I am in your shoes almost exactly, however some key differences, my wife was abused sexually as a child and my kids are still in the home. Finally a few years ago she cracked and the truth came out, she had several affairs. So under the possibility of divorce and her reputation with everybody being ruined she his seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. Honestly from what it sounds like you should seperate and let her quote unqoute uproot her head from her ***. There are always two sides to the story and she doesnt seem ready to be honest with yet, but there is something there, understand from my view and what you have said. There are various self help programs out there and many of them have helped me get through my situation with which I m still dealing with, I feel you brother keep your head up and take a logical approach to the situation, flag her phone look through phone records, surprise her for lunch, start being unpredictable, sometimes a sever change of habit is enough to spook them into telling you whats up.

Try male sex. It's more enjoyable and less complicated.

I thought about checking her phone and text bill but I'm pretty sure she discovered a different method of texting chatting or another form of communication. We have iPhones and I think she is using some kind of app that won't record on bill. Other day she jumped in shower and I went thru her texts because night before she kept getting texts but nothing showed up registering the texts that I clearly heard. I see my bill and go thru it on monthly basis because I own business and we check our employees records on their provided lines so she knows this so pretty sure she found other way. What to do.... thanks Irish guy!

Shaver X will let you know.

I thought about checking her phone and text bill but I'm pretty sure she discovered a different method of texting chatting or another form of communication. We have iPhones and I think she is using some kind of app that won't record on bill. Other day she jumped in shower and I went thru her texts because night before she kept getting texts but nothing showed up registering the texts that I clearly heard. I see my bill and go thru it on monthly basis because I own business and we check our employees records on their provided lines so she knows this so pretty sure she found other way. What to do.... thanks Irish guy!

Shaver X will let you know.

Man you should really be looking into her emails and phone if you can. Women don't get caught in an affair unless they want to get caught. Trust me on that. Wen are very detail oriented and if you don't find something there in her phone or her email look at the phone bill it should have a list of numbers both who she calls and those she texts. She can erase her text and calls but they are going to show up on the bill. Then go back a few months and establish a pattern.

I know that you don't want to hear this but I think you should look into the possibility.

Hope this helps.

Hiring an PI will probably help me, good idea.
I think this will help me to finally move on I just need that proof. Right now it's 6:36 am I'm still in bed and she is not here. She left to LA to a cousins wedding not the problem the problem she left without telling me she was going I found out by my son a week before because she dragged him out there as her excuse to leave, without me saying she went alone! He said he did not want to go he is 23. Well the other problem is that she had been getting her hair nails bought new undies new clothes shoes etc, that's ok but I also know she has been face booking a couple of old boy friends from LA before my time and we had argument about that and she stopped but now was texting him them all the time I know cause her phone did not leave her for one second and she was worried about anyone getting to it "you just know sometimes". Wedding was last night! The night before all her family and all the "old friends" got together... Only time will tell but when "you just know" right now I know what she did night before and last night or this early morning or more than likely right now...! It's not cool I know what she already did I just need to get it thru my head.....pretty ****** up people pretty ****** up!!!

I wish my husband would want me like you want your wife.<br />
It has been so long since my husband has made love to me... <br />
You sound like a very loving man who wants to express the love he feels.

She is ignoring your marriage. If you need to step back with the loving words, gifts and requests. Once you change your approach. Perhaps you should be the one that moves to another part of the house or sidesteps her. It sounds as if she needs to find herself worth. If she truly does not feel anything for you then she should consider an exit. As painful as it seems, waiting for the youngest to leave the nest is not a good excuse to stay in a marriage that one partner has already given up on. I know 3 women in my family who just walked away from theirs. It was hard for the kids. They were unable to feel anything for anyone. They were only aware of what they wanted and needed.

It sounds to me like she doesn't want the same thing; almost like it's a burden to even think about the marriage she has with you. Sex isn't everything, but it helps. We all have sexual desires, wants, and needs; but to be honest, it sounds like your marriage is falling apart. If takes two to make something work, maybe you should sit your wife down and talk to her about what is going on not just sexually but also in your marriage, find out what she's thinking, what she's feeling, why does she feel this way, so on and so forth. If she doesn't want to talk to you about it and doesn't want to seek marriage council, maybe you should bring up separation. I know that may not be what you want, but it's not fair to you and not fair to her to continue on living your lives unhappy and unsatisfied. The two of you should be getting ready to enjoy your retirement, a house without kids, and your lives together. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I hope you take what I said to heart and think about everything. I hope you find your happiness.

I think about it all the time, but I guess I still have hopes!