Newly Wed

We just got married and I can't figure her out. She enjoyed the sex before but, for some reason now that we're married it's all changed. She was the one that initiated back then.. Now when I try she's just tired, and wants to got to sleep but she'll stay up to play crosswords... Or when I start kissing her and try to get romantic she does this angry kind of sigh and says things like "fine, let's do it then", like I'm going to make love to her knowing she doesn't want it. What I don't understand is why she is this way. It's not that I'm not good in bed. She always had multiple ******* when we made love.

She's also not really showing much affection at all. She never did like to kiss in public which is understandable. Now she doesn't even want to kiss me when we're alone. I can't figure out what happened to the woman that I married.
Butiloveher Butiloveher
22-25, M
6 Responses Aug 6, 2012

The sex was the bait. You're trapped now. It's much easier to end an engagement than it is to get a divorce. She wanted the stability of marriage and you gave it to her. She doesn't have to try any more. She won.

There could be many reasons for that. You haven't delivered enough background about her. For example, a strictly Christian background could pop up subconsciously at a later stage and lead to frigidity. Being in love with someone else in secret (sorry), other factors as well, such as not being attracted to you, or being raised in an environment, in which there are defined rules for women, or being raised in a way to believe that sex is a shame (there are such cases), and the list goes on.

First and most important, which you haven't mentioned here clearly, did you talk to her honestly about?

It seems as if there is a psychological distance between you and her.
Honesty is the best policy. Try to confront her with the problem and if she doesn't respect your wish or try to escape discussion, demand that you would like to visit a psychologist or a therapist with her together.

It's your right, and no matter what she says, she cannot ignore your needs completely without a plausible explanation.

Only when you know the reason, you would be able to figure out a solution, since and as I previously mentioned, there can be many reasons.

If you'd like me to talk to both of you or to her shortly, in case you think it might help, let me know.

Okay, three choices, and she gets to choose.

"Honey, I love you very much, and this has been effecting me greatly. We, working together need to come up with a solution that both of us can live with. I've been able to come up with only three potential solutions. I only really like the first one. It is that we need to find a good marriage counselor. One that both of us feel comfortable with. We can look together, or if you already know one, we can set an appointment. If you don't like that idea, we can address just the sexuality issue by having an open marriage. I'm not really interested in this as a solution, because I married you and take that seriously. However, I'm not going to be put in a position of cheating on you to satisfy my sexual desires. So you will know about it, and I will discuss what I do with other people with you. The last option, and the one I like least of all is discussing divorce. I already know that I'm going to have a problem with fidelity if I can't have my sexual needs met. I'm being honest here. I leave the choice to you. I have a list of therapists ready to go if you'd like to look them over with me. If you need some time to decide, I can understand that. I need to know by (date, make it a week) how you want to go about selecting a therapist. If you choose not to go with a therapist, but have the divorce papers ready in a week, I'll understand and do my best for us to work through the issue without it being a war. If you don't sit down with me to select a therapist, and don't serve me for divorce, I'll expect that means you want to go to dinner and discuss the rules regarding our open marriage. Understand if you don't have the time to discuss the rules I'll have to assume you are okay with it and will let you know when I have a date."

This does the following:

Puts the ball in her court, she get's to decide.
Prevents you from feeling guilty about cheating on your wife, because you aren't going to.
Makes it clear that her doing nothing, means that she has made a decision and you are not going to wait until it's convenient for her.
Works only if you are serious about wanting to repair the marriage (she'll know right away if you're lying).
Doesn't manipulate her. It also makes it clear the, "I control sex" game isn't going to manipulate you. If she has a fourth idea, you need to seriously consider it too. HOWEVER, just wait for it to get better on its own is NOT an option.

She knows I'd never cheat on her though. It's not the sex that I miss, it's the connection and affection.

Hi, what you're dealing with is a classic experience. It goes hand in hand with the model of marriage that you have submitted your life and soul to. Exclusive Nuclear Mongamy.<br />
This form of relationship (exclusive nuclear marriage) is actually a very sick and socio introverted form of relationship and most people waste their whole life on trying to find happiness within it's highly limiting boundaries. In other models of coupling and marriage this discussion never comes up. But with Exclusive Nuclear Marriage, it is basically %90 of people who experience this. A minority of thos people can turn it around. The majority live and die sexless and completely lobotimized by this utterly insulated isolated abstract unit they devoted their life too, called marriage. I know what i'k saying sounds left field, but that's only because it's unsual.<br />
You need to sit down, and calmly discuss your needs and expectations, don't worry about telling her how she's changed etc. Chances are she is not who you thought she was and not who she portrayed herself to be before marriage. She has been operating from an agenda, and your marriage is probably more about marriage than actually being with "you" per se. Suggest ways or options or ideas that you can both try together and seperately to develop and maintain a sexually satisfying lifestyle. But chances are she's not really interested, and has been doing everything before marriage with an agenda.<br />
Set a time limit of 1 year. If at the end of one year you are still in the same sexless lifestyle, it must be agreed that you are both free to go your seperate ways because you obviously want different lifestyles, and you are not essentially compatible. Do not, i repeat, do not, get her pregant during this year.<br />
Good luck.

Thanks for being honest. I won't get my hopes up.

Wish I would have had this advice/knowledge 20 years ago. It only got worse.

I went through this and is was not easy but you can turn thinks around. <br />
Start by not treating her like a sex machine,( grab at her, make sexual comments, or just leave her alone during the day and then turn on the charm at night.) This will only **** her off and she will give you every excuse under the sun to not have sex. The funny thing is that she wants sex just as much as you do, but she is not feeling loved, so you arn't. Make love to her from the moment you walk in the door and it will turn things around. If she truly feels loved, she will be all over you at night. This is not an overnight thing and you need to not pressure her at night. Infact you should not have sex with her for a week if you can hold off for that long.<br />
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This is what I do..... The first was the moment I get home from work, I walk up to her and place a hand on either side of her face, look her in the eyes and give her a kiss and ask her about her day. My kids know that I kiss mommy first and then them. If we are watching tv at night or on the internet, I rub her hair, arm, leg, knee foot... but not any area that could be mistaken for me trying to get boob, butt ect. Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her. Tell her how cute she looked today and mean every bit of what I have typed. I hold her hand when we are out in public. I ask her if there is something I can do for her to make her like alittle easier. I try to help reduce her stress of the day.. I get action every night sometimes two times a day and been married for 23 years...

I already show her how much I care. I've been doing everything that you say you do since we first got together. She just for some reason all of the sudden doesn't want anything from me. For instance: I make when we get home from work, I'll ask how her day went.. Her reply " fine". She never wants to share details. I got off early Friday I stopped and picked up some flowers, folder my paycheck and put it in them like a card and prepared a candle lit bath for her. I wasn't expecting her to drop her panties and make love to me. It would have been nice to atleast get a thank you kiss. She smiled and that was it. I was sent on my way..

Don't get crazy now..... I don't give my wfe my paycheck. lol..Time to start from the beginning with a simple kiss when she or you get home...EVERY NIGHT FOR EVER!!!. Sit her downand talk to her about how you feel. You need to structure this talk with rules. Each person can say what is on their mind for five minutes and the other person can not speak during this five minutes. Tell her that you need to talk because you are not happy and you sense that she is not either. Make sure you talk about your feelings. How you are feeling, not why is she not having sex. Have her do the same. If she really loves you she will tell you everything....Remember no talking while the other is openning up.

I don't exaclty know why your wife is that way but I have to admit...I feel sometimes like I am that way with my Fiancee. We aren't even married yet...but we have a daugher who is 1 year old. We used to have sex EVERY day...sometimes even twice a day. I don't know what happened...well I kind of do. I started to resent my Fiancee. I resented him because I was taking care of our daughter 24/7 while he was missing out on her growing up because he was at work all day...I resented him because when he walked in the door he didn't give me a kiss and pick up our daughter right away...he did his own thing. Slowly more and more things caused me to resent him and if I would have sat down and talked to him instead of boiling it up inside it probably never would have gotten to this point. You have to remember...women are weird. Funny because I'm a woman...but we use sex as a punishment kind of when we aren't happy with things. We know we don't HAVE to give it to our men...but we know that they want it. We kind of have all of the control when it comes to sex in a mean way.<br />
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I personally haven't wanted to have sex for about 2 months now...but on occasion I will because it makes my Fiancee happy and I don't like to see him unhappy. I just have NO sex drive at all. It's not because of my Fiancee at all's because of myself. I have a lot of stress going on and I am quitting smoking and working full time and going to school...I just can't find time for it. When I lay down to go to slep I just instantly want to pass out and if I don't and I have the energy to do something certainly isn't the same amount of energy it takes to have sex. (so in a way I can understand why your wife would be able to not go to sleep to stay up and do a crossword puzzle) sounds like she is going through a lot of stress and needs to calm herself on her own and not have to worry about sex. It sounds like she needs to just relax and my advice to you is DONT push the sex. It will upset her and definitely not arouse her by any means.<br />
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Just ask her without being clingy, "Is there anything I can do to help you feel better. Is there anything you need?" Definitely don't be clingy at all or try to always make everything sexual to give her a hint you are dying not being able to have sex with her.......I know it sounds hard but trust Fiancee did that to me and I DEFINITELY didn't want to have sex after that. In all honesty...when my Fiancee doesn't act interested and just goes to bed and rolls over without even nudging me to try...well usually that's when I am the one to start any love making that goes on. Girls don't like to feel suffocated...they like to have say and feel in control.

You don't have all the control when it comes to sex.

I consider myself attractive, I work a good job, and I am a college graduate. I have been single by choice for the past five years because I refuse to surrender my control over that facet of my life. I would prefer no sex at all to allowing a woman to control when I get to have it.

I pathologically avoid all women who think this way about their bodies and use them to get what they want. Even though I may sometimes be lonely, it's a small price to pay to avoid having to engage in a power struggle with a woman.

As a man, it's my responsibility to handle my business, and that means maintaining control of my life. I don't understand what benefits are derived from being in a relationship at all.