Confused And Lonely

For the last three years my marriage has been totally sexless and inside it's slowly killing me. My wife, whom I still love, is happy, it suits her and she see's nothing wrong with the situation. It's no use trying to talk to her about things because to her there is no discussion to be had, in her words if it's a problem "you can ********** or I don't mind you seeing a prostitute, we're happy without all that". But I'm not happy. I don't want to use prostitutes because what I long for and miss is physical intimacy, we don't even cuddle anymore and in fact now have separate bedrooms.
I realize that I am not blameless in all of this, a few years ago she fell in love with another man and wanted to be with him. I fought for our marriage because I love her, but perhaps that was my mistake? Whatever I now find myself either trying to live with this soul destroying loneliness, trying to find a no strings sex buddy or divorcing with all the hurt that will cause. Has anyone been in this situation before, because I'm at the end of my tether and could really use some sensible advice...
garythedreamingpoet garythedreamingpoet
51-55
9 Responses Jan 18, 2013

Sweety it may be time to kick her to the curb.

Your story made me very sad. I can imagine how much that must have hurt for her to tell you to see a prostitute. You could talk about polygamy. Consensual dating outside of the marriage. I think that would be beneficial to you both.

You probably shouldn't have fought to get her back. That gave her justification to treat you lousy and get away with it. As bad as it may seem, I think you're looking at a divorce whether you do it now or when she catches you with someone else. You will hurt either way you play it from all the sneeking around you'll be doing with you're "buddy" or from the divorce. You may as well start preparing for the divorce, liquidate everything you can and start saving and hiding the money. Start writing down every time she treats you horribly and get as many undeniable specifics as you can about about her affair and how long it was and how much it hurt the family. Fight for as much as you can. You'll be much better off without this *****.

I am in a similar situation except that my wife has not found another man at any point. I have asked and checked and I believe this to be true. After our second child was born 17 years ago she said that I should never start any intimacy and that she would let me know if she wanted any intimacy. This was ok for years but then I realised that all she ever offered was "duty" sex. I realise now that I was slow to pick this up. So I started to have NSA sex on occasions and this meant that it didnt matter if she rarely wanted any intimacy from me. Then I met someone with whom I have fallen deeply in love with and who loves a healthy varied and wonderfully full and totally thrilling and diverse sex life. Two years ago my wife said that she didnt find any interest at all in sex any more and that she didnt find me sexually attractive. I accepted this, and told her so as I knew I had someone else anyway. Apart from one occasion when she had had too much to drink and "came on" to me, we have never referred to the lack of sex ever again. I am happy and she is happy about this. So we shall stay together as we are good friends and work together in total harmony. One day, if I am still with my lover, I suspect that my marriage will not be enough and I will want to be free to be with my lover. I will face that when/if that happens. In the meantime, a totally sexless marriage and a totally wonderful lover. Everyone happy! (for now)

I respect your honesty towards each other. That's very admirable.

i am more or less in same situation except my wife has no relationships attached. She is just frigid. I have been trying to resolve my issue without much luck. Anayway, i think you want her to realize the sincerity you are exhibiting towards the relationship but some partners are blind to that. My advice would be to talk to her on both of yours physical needs and and come to an agreement whether it end up in each of you having some intimate relation outside the bond. Allow freedom to some extent. It may work to bring you both close bacause no matter how many partners you or she have but this will create a comparision in minds which at present is not there while you are living together in seperate rooms. If it goes the worst way then dont force anything because if your partner truly loves you she wont leave the bond.

Thank you, your taking the time to comment means a lot. I think your suggestion is sensible and I will seriously consider it. Things would be so much easier if I felt young enough to start over and we hadn't spent 33 yrs together. That's a lot to throw away...

You might not like hearing this but here goes nothing. When you .asked her to stay, whether out of love or desperation,I think she took it as an ultimatum. Spouses either love you unconditionally or they don't. Our insecurities allows us to settle for less. This never works, you can never force or manipulate anyone to stay with you. Despite the myriad of rationalizations that you can create. In the end only her passive - aggressive nature remains which will turn into frustration then resentment and finally hatred. Either let her go or accept whatever If she fell in love with someone else that means she is not in love with you plain and simple. Find someone that appreciates you , i know its hard ,the older we get. Either accept the terms of this new arrangement or find someone else.

Thanks for advice my friend, and yes your words were hard to read but I appreciate what you are saying. I may have to face the fact that my marriage may be come to an end, however much that hurts...

WTF. She was i love with another man, and she denies you sex for 3 years, and tell you to mast. or go see a prost. What type of woman is that. Not every respectable woman. I would say you have done all that you are suppose to and it up to what pain you are willing to deal with, but my advice not to say it matter, but you should set yourself free. I don't know everything about your marriage, but you deserve to be treated well. All the signs are there that she doesn't respect you and there something wrong in the marriage other than sex if your wife in my opinion willn't sleep in the same room as you.

It is time to evaluate what you will put up with cause you can't change her. She obviously has become distant from you, and it might not be your fault. Matter of fact it would never be your completely fault for your in a marriage. She has been ignoring your wants and needs for communion for years now. I believe you have talked to her about it, and she will not change so need to make a decision. Will you put up and shut up or leave. To me no wife is respectable if she refuses her husband for years, and tell him to mast. or find a hooker. She already told you what she going to do, so you have to decide what your going to do. It is that simple man. You could try the counselling route but i doubt in your case the prospects will go well.

That's tough to hear but you may be right. Things need to change but before I walk away I want to know I've done everything humanly possible to save what was once so very good...

There a million things you can do under sun, but when you are ready to accepted and take into account what your wife is saying and doing you must accept your decision. You can't be the only one work at here. Your wife disregards you and you allow her to. if you want a woman take willn't have sex with and tells you to go make an illegal decisions and sleep with a hooker and she has a past of fooling around with men and keeps an contact with them they let be it. You will not get any change unless she want to change and tight now it doesn't seem like she cares, but on our part you allow her to run over you by staying in a relationship like this. What i say is the truth but you have to be willing to either stay with her and shut up and take it and let her run over you or free yourself unless you don't relay care for the way she is treating you and okay with her suggestions.

A woman cant be completely sexless. have you ever thought that maybe she is not interested in you sexually. My husband complained of the same thing, i have even made the same suggestion but its only because we want to know how much you really want us and if you cant show it we find it.

Thank you for your comment. You may be right but after being happy together for so long I would have hoped she wouldn't play games. I am honest, direct, approachable and always try to be considerate, when I do demonstrate how much I want her she simply says she has no sexual desire at all, for me or anyone else. If she's lying after all these years of marriage she's not the woman I thought she was...

For the most part I'm in the same boat. I just joined this website looking for advice in dealing with this issue. My wife and I have a good time together and I do enjoy her company but intimacy is at the bottom of my wife's priority list. When I've tried to discuss the subject with her over the years she gets very angry and wants to fight rather than face the issue and find solutions. I'm at a total loss. I will say that I'm dealing better with it now, but that may only be do to my age and a lessening of my sex drive. It's a tragedy that she doesn't want to enjoy that part of life. I want to make it better before we get much older and lose that option.

wow, this sounds so familiar. If you've given me one thing to hold on to it is that I am not alone in this...