One Handed Man Looking For More

I have been in a sexless marriage for years, no passion, no cuddling no nothing. My wife tolerates me. If there is any touching it is me doing the touching. I turn in the bed to just snuggle, just touch the warmth of her body, which misewell be like the ice queen, it is not returned.

There have been months without a touch and weeks without a kiss or a peck. When I go to kiss her she lifts a cheek like I was kissing my grandmother or a friend but not my lover or wife.  

I have tried to talk to her, but it is always something more important, my TV show is on ( I hate the TV) or she is in pain, or whatever or the kids are up or out and they'll be back soon.

I am not a 10, but I clean up ok. I take care of myself 5'8" 180 lbs gym 3-4 a week, am employed make good money and am lonely.

What am I doing wrong.

I jokingly tell my wife that I am going to go out and find a girlfriend and she shruggs it off and says theres the door. She is fairly certain that I will not do it.

I am so close to being done, I could almost scream. I feel like I don't want to go home because there isn't any reason to. If I did not have kids home, I would probably be gone already, but as time passes they are not even much of a staying factor any more.

I don't really feel that I love her any more but I don't dislike her either. We have a fair time together, just don't have intimate time.

flirtwithme flirtwithme
46-50, M
33 Responses Mar 7, 2009

Can we introduce your wife to my husband .. they would be a perfect match... i'm sorry you are having to live like this ... no one should.. I know .. I'm the wife with the do nothing husband.... :(

This, is scary. I'm so sorry.

Remember, you have only one life. Don't live it in sadness. I think you need to give her an ultimatum. You have to much life left to live without passion, without love.

That a sad story . Take care man. good luck

Try mort fertel, sounds crazy I know but seriously he has some great ideas and advice:)

You are not alone. That may not be much solace but we do understand. We have walked in your shoes. There is nothing wrong with you.

Seduce her it'll work worked with my brother and his wife they have three boys under the age of 7

Somewhat same situation.. 35, married for 6 years with a 5yr old child. Wife and I have sex 3-4 times a year. Its not important to her, but at the same time is killing me inside. Once a week would be great for me. I feel lonely, deppressed, and find myself not wanting to come home at night sometimes. Tried talking to her and it's one excuse after the other, or I get "its the only thing that you care about in our marriage". I feel trapped, meaning if I pull the plug on the marriage, it will hurt my son, and financially hurt me. Don't have the heart to cheat. Getting older everyday over this.

My heart is in pieces for you, I feel like being your wife for few hours and hug you, shower your body with kisses and have the best sexy time in a long while, then cook you a nice meal and spend the rest of the evening in bed with you, drinking some red wine.
The way your story made me feel, (me, a total stranger) there's no way she can stay indifferent to it.
How about you handwrite the exact story (avoid the 2 last paragraphs though :) ) and give it to her? Most of the time we assume the other person knows how we feels but they don't. And some other time all you need is a vacation as a couple, a week-end out of town might be enough to revive the flame that drove you to marry each other, be lovers again.
I wish you the best of luck.

I am so sorry to hear anyone is going through what I am...
I am somewhat the female version of this story!
However mine has come to a breaking point and is over....

He refused me cuddling..holding hands or any intimacy long before he betrayed me and now we are going to the mattresses...ha ha
Joking over...it has been two years of hell!

the mental torture is worse then the physical most days...

You have to stop asking yourself "what did I do wrong?"
You have tried to talk to her...
tried to cuddle....initiate...

And sounds like you have already answered your own question!
Unless you yourself needs to actually know why for your own closure...
then start digging!

But be prepared for the answers
decide first....
Will they change your heart ?

I wish you the best ...know you are not alone :)

Here's a suggestion, it might be a bit silly. But hear me out, ok?
Go to your wife, hug her tight. And ask her calmly, "what don't we have sex anymore?" She might try to shrug you off or whatever. But don't let go. Say- you won't let go until she answers. And then if she answers something, deal with it. It could be trivial. Or not. But once you get an answer to the 'why', it might be easier to work with.

Sadly I am in the same place. We went to see a marriage councillor and all she would say is that she doesn't like sex and doesn't know why. She won't talk about it.

I still love her and she says she loves me but who knows. One side wants to leave, the other knows if I do I will be poor, won't see my kids and will be living in a one bedroom appartment somewhere.

An affair is not out of the question anymore, I never thought I would say that but given the little to no love I get ... I figure most guys that cheat are in a similar boat.

I am there. Now. Hate it. Starting to hate her. I don't want to hate anyone. But, she has left me for the television, the computer. One kiss in over a month, and that I feel was by accident - she forgot that she doesn't want intimacy with me anymore. I am leaving, just don't know when. But, I am so tired of being alone. We are best friends - without benefits. Without intimacy. Without really being friends. A friend at least acknowledges your pain.

Wow, you just described my marriage!

why don't you have intimate time?

I hate to say this but I'm almost positive you're wife is cheating on you. So either cheat on her back or do some detective work and see what she's up to.

It doesn't take a relationship counselor to see that you both have fallen out of love for each other (if you ever were in love in the first place). Listen to me very carefully, LIFE IS TOO SHORT to be wasting it with someone who obviously doesn't want to give you the time of day. I understand you have children and you don't want them to grow up with parents who are separated. Coming from personal experience here; growing up with parents who don't love each other and who are always arguing is far worse. This is your life, don't you want to grow old with someone who loves you and that you love back? Well it isn't too late for you, it's never is too late! That person is out there for you. Stop wallowing in your self pity get up and do something about it. Before you know it your whole life is going to flash before your eyes and you'll be finding yourself regretting that you never did anything. You need to leave your wife ASAP. Make sure you are always there for your kids and that you make them feel that even though you and there mom have separated that you still love them more than anything. You're trapped and the key to the door is right in front of you all you have to do is reach for it. Don't be afraid. It'll all be worth it in the end I promise you that. :)

I fully understand what you are experiencing. It's what I am going through right now. I make the money, the house work, the pampering, spend a lot of time at home. I do gym too. <br />
Reading your story makes me wonder if may be, just may be striving to be the perfect husband is the downfall...

HEY!! >>cheer up, there are tons of stuff out there to bring your wife's inner tiger out of the cave..ive been with my boyfriend for 8yrs in sept. sometimes im tired and im not in the mood for intimatacy...so the next thing i know comes up with the idea of taking a quick trip to the adult toy store and buying fun stuff to spice up the relationship.. in the moment of heat we both laugh and play around its fun. it brings us closer in different level not just sex...give it a try!!

I think having an affair will only complicate things more for you. I think with affair you would feel guilty because you are married. So first I would ask her what is wrong, what she wants or needs from you and you tell her what you need and want from her. If she wont listen write it down in a letter for her leave it so she can read it. Be very honest think before you write this out for her. As you may get the answers you want or she may just ignore it and if she does I would leave and find someone new that you can love and that will love you back.

I'm sad to read your story. Have the two of you tried to go to counseling? I don't believe sex makes a marriage, but I do believe it is a big part of a marriage, along with the intimacy and without that and good communication, what do you really have.<br />
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I understand loving your children and wanting to stay. But really what are you teaching them? Are you afraid of leaving? I believe you could be a better father and person for leaving and being happy.

It sounds like a difficult heart breaking situation for you my friend. It also looks like a long lonely eventually bitter future, if you stay.<br />
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How many stories have you read here that says "I stayed to long" or "I regret not leaving" <br />
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Don't forget you are teaching your children what a relationship is like in your marriage. Good, bad or ugly they still learn. Do you want them to view you and your wife as their example? <br />
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Talk, get couseling,but if nothing changes, get out.<br />
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You have ONE LIFE

Sounds like this is more common than I realised. If that is the case how are we supposed to survive .I thought marriage or being part of a couple was for mutual support and comfort. I know my wife Elaine was so good but she died from a brain tumour. Yes maybe I rushed into this but we have been together ten years and now I am not worth looking at any more. I feel worthless

I can echo your sentiments from the perspective of a woman. It's so isolating and lonely....I hope you find some comfort here knowing you are not alone in this situation.<br />
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With that said, I'm still trying to figure out it its better to keep the status quo, get divorced and move on, or keep at the therapy with him even though it's already been 8 months or so and NOTHING has changed. <br />
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Good luck with your journey. Let us know how it goes.

hi
i read alot of pssychy stuff. it says 6-9 months of therapy is needed and you need to be committed to it, before you will start to see changes. After that, if things dont start changing then you eeither have the wrong sort of therapist for the job, or your partner doesnt realyl want to do the work because they really do not want to change.

Sorry but thats is how it apparently is. Good luck.

Your wife is just like mine. Would leave but where would I go?? The car is hers And I cant afford to live elsewhere. Good luck.

Hmmm....If I didn't know better, I would think you were my husband! I don't know what your day to day life together is like but I can tell you what would have prevented me from disconnecting from my husband. I would have loved it if we did daily life together. At the end of the work day to come together, get himself settled and to join me and the kids in life at home by helping with dinner or helping with homework or put the clothes in the dryer, take a moment to look around to see what still needs to be done...just be part of the family team. Then maybe there would be more time to do something fun together! I don't know if you are like this or not but that absence is what has caused me to disconnect from my husband.<br />
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Good Luck to you. I hope you are able to find that connection with your wife before it's too late.

In some cases, no matter how much you do, it's not enough. I cuddle, I kiss, I compliment. I do the dishes, cook half of the meals, and help withe the laundry and house cleaning. I help my kids with their homework and projects and spend extra time with my son helping him learn to read better. I also do tae kwon-do with my kids and I've tried to get my wife and kids to go biking with me. I've tried the date nights, chocolates and gifts. I've rarely, if ever, told my wife no to her buying whatever she wants (we both know how much money is in the bank). I work very hard to provide for my family, giving us a nice house and cars. I've supported my wife through three failed home-based retail businesses, including one she walked away from prematurely because of conflicts with her up-line manager. I even encouraged and supported her going back to school for a new BS degree and career. I'm also supporting her through her unemployment while she tries to get and keep a job in her new field, despite the growing bills.

But, we're still pretty much sexless. So, sometimes no matter how much you do, it's still not enough.

I have been married to a man for almost 19 years. All he cares about it sex. And not the romantic kind. It is usually over in 10 minutes. It was nice to hear that there are some men out there that would just hold a woman. I miss that so much. I started an affair a couple of months ago but it didn't work out. (long story) But it was for me to just be held. And it felt great. I suggest an affair or a seperation. Or you find some way to live with everything.

Time for counseling, an affair, a separation, pay for a little action on the side, and or a divorce. If you are trying, and I believe you are 100% then some or all of these should be valid options if financially viable. I'm blunt here, but I'm sad and angry for you. Be strong my Brother.

what do you plan to do about your situation? anything?<br />
i saw the married man i know, with the very sick wife two weeks ago. he came by briefly, then off he went to fix his wife her lunch. coming from someone, who got involved with someone similar to you, i can say that it is painful for the woman. if the woman becomes emotionally involved. most women are. some women can handle such, but those women may be promiscous. i don't know. it is my opinion that if one is miserable enough, they should leave. we are meant to be happy and enjoy life, truly. it is one's choice. it would also be good if the wife of fellows like you, could transform, and become the sexual partner you had in the early days. or at least, understand your needs more. i don't think men reach a point of not wanting it. ever. i dated a man 73. i was shocked when he told me his age. i thought he was about 50. i did not go any further than that one date, because i want to find someone to settle down with that is closer to my age. had the younger ones too, in my 20 years of being single. i think when i do settle down, i will have in depth understanding of men and their needs. i will not take men like you, for granted. wishing you the best.

I sympathise with you so much. I read your post and it could have been written by me. I am in the same situation. I would be gone if it was'nt for my 4 year old son. We have only been married for 5 years, what the hell is going on. I am far from a deadbeat, i work my *** off. I am sorry you have to go through this but I am glad I am not the only one. It makes me feel that I am not alone in all this. Good Luck.

I am sorry to hear what you have to say.<br />
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I hate to say this it mint be the time to leave.<br />
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And been way from each other mint help.<br />
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Some time we change so much.<br />
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That the man we choose is not the one we wanted in more.<br />
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I know it will be hard on the kids.<br />
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But I bet it is hard on them to see what is happen.<br />
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That is how I feel.<br />
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We all just grow out of the one we pick.<br />
<br />
lashanda

Hmmm, this was probably my husband's complaint at one point. It's such a ridiculous joke of nature that men and women are so different! I strive to be friends with my husband... it was difficult to be intimant with him when I feel we are distant and it is hard for him to be close when there has been no intimancy! We had a little counseling and he has really been taking an interest in me and who I am and in return we have been intimant in every room of the house! I'm kinda kidding about every room but just trying to make the point that it takes a little work and as a result we are able to have intimacy without me feeling like I am being used. Just a little thought from someone that was stingy too :)

Hmmm, this was probably my husband's complaint at one point. It's such a ridiculous joke of nature that men and women are so different! I strive to be friends with my husband... it was difficult to be intimant with him when I feel we are distant and it is hard for him to be close when there has been no intimancy! We had a little counseling and he has really been taking an interest in me and who I am and in return we have been intimant in every room of the house! I'm kinda kidding about every room but just trying to make the point that it takes a little work and as a result we are able to have intimacy without me feeling like I am being used. Just a little thought from someone that was stingy too :)

intimate is the word you are looking for.

Me too, im having difficulty to be intimate with him because i feel distant, yes he is the perfect husband doing chores and taking care of all bills but i need passion and love. I need burning desire in my heart amd not just cares.. Maybe you should try to remind her back how u both so in love,,,

I can certainly relate to your story. Been married 1.5 years and may as well be living with my sister. I likely will be gone as no children. I would rather be single.