Confused

I am not trying to be so distant but she keeps "trying" to "make" our situation better. I have told her I am going to Counseling and need to work trough my nager and resentment for the last 8 years of sleeping apart and not having sex, etc. I almost come across as being rude and I hate that. I told her this moreing I need time and some space and she accused me of not trying. I have so much to deal with and now all of a sudden she wants to hang all over me, it is intrusive. I could easily slip back into "pretneding" all is OK but in my heart I know it is not. I feel like I have put up with this lack of intimacy, not wanting to do things together or with our daughter for so long that I really don't trust her motives. She says she is willing to "work" on our "relationship" but i keep asking myself if I had not gottent to the point of complete misery, would she have noticed that something was wrong? Bleive me when I say we have never had a fight in our 13 years of marriage. I think this is very odd. I allowed this all to evolve but not sure what to do at this point. Could use some feedback. Thanks

discretejones discretejones
51-55
3 Responses Mar 10, 2009

From what I read into this is that you have shaken her up by telling her you are going to councelling. And she is afraid of what a councellor might say. She is putting on a show as if to apear that she is trying to improve the relationship. You are hurting...from years of rejection and I do not think myself that at this point you are going to heal or mend this relationship without you both going to councelling together.<br />
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She is attempting to turn tables on you by saying she is willing to try...and your not.<br />
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You do sound young enough to start over...and if I were in your shoes now....that is the direction I would be headed

By fighiting I mean the lack of asking or requesting what "needs" you have or do not have. We have had minor issues but nothing that I would ever consider a "fight". She does not act on her needs and tends to bury her head in the sand. So here we are and feelings will be hurt and this whole situation has evolved to the point where I am not happy and she thinks that the relationship is just fine. My question is, how could she not realize that I was in pain after she asked me to leave the bed and not want to have any intimate time with me???? I am not a shrink but I can see where this type of thinking is definitely a cover up for something deeper and more involved than just having an ******.

The break down of sex is usally a bi-product of a larger and more intense problem in the relationship. It seems that things happen and then the health of the sexual relationship also starts to fall apart. I am curious about the no arguments or fights over the years you have been married. You are saying that neither of you have ever fought over all of those years? Have you both just decided not to give yourself the permission necessary to quarrel or fight? A fight is not always a knock down dragout, or fussing event. It can be more subtle and controlled than that, but to say never fought is kind of hard to digest. Even in the brother and sister relationship that you both have and that I also have with my wife, it would be okay to argue or to fight about needs, about issues, and whatever. You need to express those feelings and frustrations. She will never know how you feel if you never show indifference to what is going on. Counseling might give you both the permission you need to let go of some of these very real hurts that you have with each other. <BR><BR>No she is not going to be able to hang on you in order to change all of these problems. It is hard when it gets to that point, because you have changed your level of investment to protect yourself and your own feelings. You have had to shutdown parts of your emotional person in order to live like you have. So now you need to be able to somehow switch that around so that you can communicate those very real feelings that you have. They are raw and need a voice. I wish you all the best.