Married and Never Consummated

I'm middle-aged, and my wife and I got married a year and a half ago. We rent an apartment and have no children. To this date, we have yet to consummate the marriage.

When we went through premarital counselling, we both agreed that sex two to three times per week was reasonable. She was also physically affectionate (hugs and kisses) but after the "I do's" it seemed like a switch got flipped.

Although she's a friend and a good wife in every other respect, there's been no physical intimacy since (not even on the honeymoon). I'm forced to sleep on the couch (partly because I snore), but I feel like a stranger in my own home.

I've discussed this issue twice with her, but she says I'm pressuring her, and that sex shouldn't be that important in a marriage! I've given up even asking anymore, and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

She seems perfectly content with the way things are. I work hard, provide for her, take her on trips, and do my best to make her happy, but to no avail. I feel rejected and alone, and don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like just a meal ticket. I feel like I am married to my sister. I'm out of options and my heart for her is going numb quickly.

I am thinking of talking to my lawyer and seeing about getting the marriage annulled.  It is a shame, but when she continuously ignores my needs and dismisses them as unimportant, I feel like I am living a slow death, and it takes away from every other area.

 

Dugster89 Dugster89
41-45
18 Responses Mar 27, 2009

I remember painstakingly going through journals, blogs and letters like this few years ago. I was involved in a three year engaged relationship and then 12 months of marriage. There was no sex involved during this whole time. While I valued and cherished not being sexually active before marriage, it just did not make sense to not be active after marriage. What is the honeymoon for?

Fast forward few years, we divorced 12 months after marriage and I am now married again to an awesome girl. I cannot explain or even begin to state what I feel now. I am the happiest man now. I remember my ex fabricating one excuse after another about how she could not be sexually involved with me. My response was, let's talk to a professional about this. I mean what good is our job if we don't make use of our healthcare benefits. We were both healthy and strong. Both of us being college grads had good jobs and were fairly well settled and in our early 30s.

Since both of us were living like roommates but seemed like the best couple on earth to everyone around us, I remember going through articles, notes, blogs, journals and even some books about what could be the issue - Asexuality, gay, emotional bully from a sexual nature and more that many can't imagine. I just couldn't make heads or tails why she would marry me if we weren't going to be sexually active. I mean, why marry? We could have simply lived as roommates. We were the best friends as far as everything else is concerned. We could do home projects, host parties, be the best guests and you name it. But that's it. Nothing in bed. No activity. No naughty jokes, no naughty talks, no private conversation like that. Why am I married to this person who I can't share my real life with?

Here is what it boiled down to. With no kids in the picture, I did not have any strings attached at this time. I was not about to force someone into sex if they weren't interested. I mean, it has to be a mutual interest. I didn't marry someone to rape them for God's sake.

Now that I am a married person, my wife is the best person I have ever met. I feel that if you have needs and the other person doesn't, then compatibility isn't there. And now that I am in this new relationship and have experienced fire under bedsheets (pardon my boldness), I am not only a happy man, my career has taken a turn for the best, I am a better performer in many other avenues as well. It has given me more motivation to do everything else in life and cherish every moment with my wife. I had experienced what I have experienced now, I would not have spent more than two days with my ex. No religion tells us to get married just to spend time making an omlette in the kitchen together lol. Even if one is NOT a believer, they will understand this as well.

I think you should explain to her that sex IS important in a marriage didn't she know that before getting married to you. I really can't understand why she wouldn't want it, the only reason i can think of is that maybe she has some issue that she has never discussed with you. Ask her if she is asexual.

I married my husband three years ago next month and we have never consummated our marriage. It's not a good feeling to feel unwanted.

This is exactly what I have been facing. We have been married approximately two years. My wife decided that (1) we should never share the same bed. (2) never have any sexual intercourse.<br />
I have talked to her about my concerns for this loveless marriage, but she continuously tells me that sex is least of her cocerns. As much I don't want to end this marriage, I have come to a point where by for me to remain sane, I have to separate myself frrom her.<br />
I am in need of help as to what to do to change this situation.<br />
Help me please.

divorce

Very strange, is she a closest lesbian? Maybe she is cheating on you with another woman or man? I would tell her if she doesn't want to have sex wtih you that she should allow you to have sex with others if everything else in your marriage is ok. But to me this is not a marriage.. There is no love without sex... You can cheat, but get caught and you risk a lot. Perhaps time to get out.

Very strange, is she a closest lesbian? Maybe she is cheating on you with another woman or man? I would tell her if she doesn't want to have sex wtih you that she should allow you to have sex with others if everything else in your marriage is ok. But to me this is not a marriage.. There is no love without sex... You can cheat, but get caught and you risk a lot. Perhaps time to get out.

how can that be? no sex after marriage. could she be a lesbian? without knowing it?

...get the f8ck out of that marriage....nothing short of your possible infidelity could justify the way she treats you......leave man leave!

Dugster...<br />
<br />
Get yourself out ans away from this woman... she is a user.<br />
<br />
and don't listen to inlovewithadeadguy what a load of BS, blasting away like any of your wife's lack of sex drive / passion for you her husband is your fault. That was total crap to dump on you.<br />
<br />
get that annulment... seems like she has no passion for you... what a faker she is.<br />
<br />
james

I am a wife in a sexless marriage of 8 years. I am college educated with masters up until three months ago help two jobs never fooled around help pay the bills. Am affectionate<br />
have gone to marriage encounter, counseling and am in 12 step program. He is just not interested. He prefers women<br />
300lb plus he is a big man too have not spied on him wonder about online stuff. I dont want to divorce, have affair or the like but I am dying here.

For the people who asked you what YOU might have done wrong - shame on THEM. You are 100% the victim here. She is just using you as a human ATM machine. She totally lied to you before the marriage and never intended to have sex. Seriously that is obvious to anyone. Go talk to a counselor by yourself and they will confirm that. Go get annulled and start over. You won't have this happen again, this level of deceit is awful. <br />
<br />
Once you start annulment she is probably going to try to have sex with you. DO NOT DO THAT. Because if you do have sex, even once, it may mess up the whole anullment case and become very expensive for you. So if she says "sorry" I will perform, just realize she is ONLY doing it for financial gain she does NOT love or care about you. Be prepared for her to do that. You just need to say "I cannot enjoy sex with someone, who is only willing to have sex to avoid an annulment". And that is it. Don't say anything else - don't even talk more then needed. You have been totally abused.

Enna could not be more right - you are totally being taken advantage of and were lied to from the start to boot! Leave now because I cannot imagine that it will ever get any better.<br />
<br />
Parker is also right - do not give in if she suddenly caves after you tell her you want out: that will lead to many years of despair and you will ultimately wake up 20 years from now and say to yourself, "My god - what did I do with my life?" You deserve happiness - we all do - and she is obviously not the one to give it to you.<br />
<br />
I am so sorry to sound so harsh, but my own situation forces me to warn others whenever I can. I love my wife and would do just about anything to bring her some small measure of happiness, but there comes a time when you realize that you are giving up your own chance at happiness.

Please realise that this is NOT a marriage at all. You don't owe her any allegiance or any loyalty.<br />
<br />
Because you are a decent man I feel sure you will take care of her in terms of making sure she is not left destitute, but that is all you are required to do.<br />
<br />
End this farce of a marriage, and if you are not too damaged by this experience, find a warm, loving REAL woman with whom to share your life.

A couple of things, let me say i do not personally like divorce, but in many states if the marriage is not consumated it is not leagally binding and can be annuled if you want to look into that.<br />
Also she may have some unresolved mental or emotional issue that elimante the want or need for intamcy. But I suspect that she is useing it as a controll tool. If you file for divorce or annulment, she may try and have sex with you, of course not a good idea than to give in. Do not cheat on her but let her know that not being there for you physically leads to the same thing as her cheating on you. She is cheating you out of the love and intamacy that you agreed on before the marriage. You both need help. But get out before you do something stupid or bad.

to inlovewithadeadguy I don’t use drugs or alcohol. I don’t look at ***********. I have told her I love her. I would enjoy cuddling, but she hates any sort of physical contact. Anytime I have ever even tried to just give her a hug, she sort of pushes me away. We sleep in separate beds (me on the couch), and we haven’t even kissed or touched each other in over a year. I do my best to take care of myself physically. I am ambitious in that I am advancing as an auditor and taking night classes for a professional designation. In short I have tried everything to make her happy, and to no avail. Lately I have given up even trying. She was much more affectionate before marriage, and after marriage, it was like a switch got flipped. Even on the wedding night, she just slept on the opposite side of the bed. I don’t pressure her or anything.<br />
I try to spend time with her, take her shopping, take her on trips, to the point where I have no time to spend on my own pursuits. <br />
At the same time, she does not want to get to know many of my friends, and I am even being isolated from my own family. All our friends seem to be her divorced friends<br />
In the last little bit, she saw me talking with another lady at church, and accused me of flirting. I did not say anything, but after reflecting, realized that maybe I was putting out feelers without realizing. But I can see how this can happen when my own wife chooses not to give me any affection whatsoever. Now that I am aware, I am making sure to keep my distance, and I have male friends to serve as accountability partners.<br />
But this relationship is becoming intolerable for me. I am doing my best to correct any errors, but I am at my limits, and am tiring of investing into a relationship where I get rejected at virtually every turn. I did not sign up to be married to my sister, and feel very betrayed and rejected. She seems to want friendship and no more.

divorce

Sex not important???? No sex = no love. Does she love you?

I'm not trying to cast blame here, but I'm going on past experience. Was there something you could have possibly done to make her not trust you, or to back off from you? How does she feel about people who use drugs? Did she catch you with pot? How does she feel about ***********? Did she catch you looking at it? Sure, you are a provider - you're supposed to - you're the man of the house - but do you tell her she's beautiful? Do you tell her you love her? Do you cuddle with her and just enjoy it, rather than always turning it into an attempt at intercourse? Do you take care of yourself physically, or are you a slob? Do you have ambition, or have you developed an acceptance of mediocrity, and don't care about bettering yourself (i.e.: take any ol' job that comes along, don't use your full potential, etc.)? I had a guy who did all these things to me. He then wondered why I didn't want to be intimate with him. Just saying. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If she just isn't making love with you for the sake of it and there's no real reason, then it's as good as infidelity. But if there is something you have done and aren't aware of, you need her to clarify this (her fault for not saying so), and then you need acknowledge and validate her feelings and then act to rectify it. I wish you two all the best.

If I were you...I would find the closest exit....and not look back. You say sex was one of the things talked about before you married and agreed on....now that she has the ring she refuses to perform....an anullment isn't out of the question.<br />
Sounds like she wanted the security of marriage; without providing you with the benifits