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Welcome to Hell!

If you're a man who wants to see his kids everyday, but you live in a sexless marriage with a gorgeous woman who you used to have regular amazing sex with... is there really anything closer to hell on earth? You get divorced she gets the house, the kids, and you get... screwed without getting laid... nothing quite like it, eh guys?

Shoreboy Shoreboy 41-45, M 82 Responses Jun 18, 2009

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It is just plain cruel - like torture without being touched.

Men get your women tested for a hormone unbalanced! That's what it sound to me it's like a men with low testosterone just saying! It works miracles!!

...and therein lies part of the reason they are labeled 'refusers'. They not only refuse to have sex with their spouse but refuse to do anything about it either. That is, honestly, one of the most frustrating things about it.

I've been married for almost 11 years and my wife has no interest in improving our sex life! We have sex like once every 4 months and I've reached the end of my rope. I'm sure she'll be shocked that I'm leaving but that's too bad! Even if she tries to have more sex with me to save the marriage I won't take her up on her offer. I don't trust her to take care of me sexually! It's not like I'm an over sexed freak, all I was asking for was sex 2 or 3 times a week. My previous relationships I was having sex almost everyday and sometimes twice a day. I want my sex life back!

Did you leave? I think this way at least 2 x per month.
I'm as mad as I am just plain sad.

I really don't think some people understand that your spouses sex drive is a REAL thing. When you are the person who doesn't like sex you can't fathom why your spouse wants sex so badly! Adversely, when you love sex so much you can't grasp how your partner doesn't crave it every waking second just like you!

Let's face it - as a married couple you are supposed to have sex! It's not right or healthy to go without it unless both people agree they are not interested in having a sexual relationship anymore. You can't just stop having sex because you don't like it anymore and expect your mate to just accept it. That's like you stopped buying water for the household because you don't ever really get that thirsty, but your husband likes to drink a healthy eight glasses a day. You're the one that needs to do something about your healthy water intake, he doesn't need to reduce his water intake, he's the one drinking a healthy amount!

Sex and exercise are pretty much the same things. They gradually get put on the back burner as life gets busier and you get older, they both do wonders for your overall physical and mental health, and you get better and enjoy both the more you do them - they become a part of your daily life! There's no mystery behind the fact that the more sex you have as a couple the tighter the emotional bond becomes. So saying you love your wife/husband isn't enough to support a relationship, you need to have a regular sex-life.

If you are the one lacking a sex drive (barring any serious health or medical issues) you need a lifestyle change. The number one major reason for a lack of a sex-drive is poor eating habits! Eating a clean natural diet almost always does the trick! It's sad that we pay so little attention to what we are putting in our mouths that our health can be crumbling down around us and we don't know what the reason is. EATING A HEALTHY DIET gives us the energy we need for our body to perform optimally! Since we're just talking about sex I won't go into too much detail, but eating your fruits and veggies will give women the iron they need for a healthy blood supply to the genitals and brain, and it gives men the zinc and protein they need to produce testosterone to achieve a good hard long-lasting erection. Cut out smoking, drinking, get a good night sleep every night and you'll increase your sex drive much quicker. Having a mineral enriched blood supply is key to EVERYTHING in your body functioning at it's peak. You wouldn't put dirty engine oil in your cars engine because you know it would destroy the inner workings of it, so why eat a dirty diet! Clean engine oil = prime engine performance. Same theory applies for eating a healthy diet and proper health.

The second major reason you may not want sex is because of a lack of blood-flow. This means your vascular system has gone almost dormant due to lack of use, which translates to YOU NEED TO EXERCISE REGULARLY! Think back to when you were a horny teenager - you probably played a lot of sports, rode your bike and walked everywhere especially before you got your drivers license, and drank tons of water because you were broke and always moving and shaking. Science has shown that your chronological age has nothing to do with loss of your sexual appetite - IT'S ALL ABOUT LIFESTYLES! No matter if you're 9 or 90 you need regular exercise to enjoy a healthy vigorous life. There are people in their 80's that still have fiery sex lives, so saying that because you're 40 years old is NOT an excuse for loss of sexual appetite. Start a light exercise routine of, 20 mins of brisk walking, moderate weight lifting, and stretching. After a week you'll start to feel a heck of a lot better about yourself and more energized! Get the blood pumping through your vascular system and it's going to affect your nether regions too! Especially for men who's penis's require being filled with blood to achieve a nice hard erection. Think how much better you would feel about yourself if you knew that you got hard almost instantaneously every time!


The third and most over-looked reason for lack of a sex drive is your self-image or perception of yourself. The brain is the driver who we actually are, the body is just the vehicle. That's why when someone is classified as brain-dead the person you knew is no more. The psychology of sex is complex but yet so simple - you think positive things and push out the bad thoughts and you will begin to thrive in your day to day life. As people we are so wide diverse it's pretty much crazy to think that you are not sexy. Everyone has their idea of sexy, so just because you aren't a tall lean strawberry blond it doesn't mean you are not a hottie in someone elses mind! I personally LOVE curvy chubby women with big boobs and big bums!!!! The tall strawberry blond is ok but if given the choice of whom I want to have as a sexual partner I'm going with the curvaceous busty woman every time - and I'm a 6'3" athletic type whom most would assume wants a skinny model. Men you do not have to look like Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson to attract a beautiful woman. Ladies you don't have to look like Jessica Alba to get a great guy! A lot of women love husky men, a lot of women like skinny guys too.....there is know "perfect body type", it's subjective. What is important is taking care of your appearance. It does wonders for your mental image of who you are. If you constantly tell yourself that you are sexy eventually you will feel that way. If you tell yourself that you enjoy sex and imagine yourself pleasing your partner, they will begin to respond to you positively because you are giving off "good vibes" and that stuff is contagious!

Occasionally the issue could be some other issue outside of the bedroom. I hate to say it, but women are notorious for letting small issues spill over into other facets of their lives so a good long talk about your relationship may be in order. As men we are notorious for not noticing the small things which can accumulate to make for one big issue by female standards. I'm not saying that withholding sex is right, I'm saying that women tend to have issues separating life outside the bedroom in the bedroom and men generally don't think outside the bedroom when it comes to sex.

The last thing I will say about this is, if you're the partner that wants more sex, state that you want a better sexual relationship without being insulting, pushy or cruel. Sex can be a touchy topic for a lot of people especially if they are shy! Just explain in a calm and pleasant upbeat way that you would love to start having more sex with him/her because I really feel the need to be close to them. Most men like feeling like they are in control of sex, most women like feeling they are with a man who is well versed in the arts of sex. It's OK to switch roles and experiment with some desires in a fun and playful way (Hence why 50 Shades of Grey is so popular!) Take it easy and don't try to make an instantaneous increase in sexual activity. If you were having sex once every few weeks, try having sex once a week for a few weeks then sneak in an odd extra one once in a while after a couple months. Don't be so obvious about wanting sex, sometimes just snuggle for the sake of snuggling, kiss for the sake of just kissing, the need to feel loved precedes and is greater than the need for sex. Within a few months you may be surprised that you're having sex almost every day.

I hope that I have helped you and maybe someone else who reads this. I went through a sexless marriage where we were having sex once every three or four months for years. Our longest stretch was eight months and I was going to ask for a divorce for this reason alone. I began doing a lot about sex rather than go see a sex therapist who would have told me the same things I read for free for a lot of money! If you exhaust all these ideas and tips, then I suggest seeking professional help. Cheating will relieve your sexual tension but you'll be constantly waiting for the affair to blow-up in your face which will stress you out and you may decide to end it, which your mistress will not appreciate at all. I say try working it out with your wife and asking her if she's;

1) no longer attracted to you?

2) having confidence or self-image issues?

3) asexual and has no interest in sex?

4) bi-sexual or gay?

5) suffering from depression?

They might seem like way over the top questions, but in reality they're the major reasons for avoiding sex!

Ditto, it is pure BS. This painful life of so called marriage is chronic across all ages and lifestyles. Women simply get comfortable and forget the man who provides so much comfort. We are left hanging in the wind looking for some magical moment when the wife remembers that we still exist. 27 years - not likely to happen. Kid's are the glue that hold marriages together by choice of the man. If not, we'd run for a much simpler life.

I left my husband because the neglect was too much to bear and the daily reminder that he did not care enough to partner in finding a solution to the sexless nature of our marriage was more than I could (or deserved) to have to live with. I hate that so many of us live in this state for so long, begging, pleading, cajoling, threatening, bribing our partner in life to care about our needs. Such a shame.

If you have to 'bribe, cajole, or beg' then they aren't your partner. I too came to this painful realization. When you do it is time to leave and start the next chapter in your life. Hopefully, that chapter is a better one. At least that is my hope for myself.

I hope it is for you too! At least there will not be daily reminders of rejection. I hope you find peace and happiness!

Yes. There *IS* something worse. Try being a man who only ever wanted a woman to love and who would love him..... but never had a single woman in his life ever say the words "I love you" to him. Yes, I would say living an unloved life is far worse. At least at SOME point you had a woman care enough to marry you and have your kids. At 58 I face the "golden" years along.

At 58, you're in your golden years.

Hell, son, I'm just getting started.

hahahahaha the lack of booty makes you moody

...and the lack of all physical affection makes you leave!

Yep. Sucks buddy.

I'm a man and this is my view: If you, as a man, refuse to do your housework, refuse to do some dishes, refuse to do some laundry, refuse to do some cooking, refuse to attend the kid's games, refuse to lay next to your wife and let her tell you about HER day, refuse to satisfy her without worrying if you'll be satisfied, refuse to just sit on the couch and talk about what SHE wants to talk about, refuse to do some shopping, refuse to wash the windows, refuse to change the filters, refuse to paint the front door, refuse to pull some weeds, refuse to give her a full and complete body massage (maybe with an ******, or two) and not worry whether or not you get one, or whether or not she wants to let you have one, and refuse to do it HER way, then what in the ****do you expect if you can't act like a man?

Interesting and I agree. So what if you do all those things and she doesn't do those things AND refuses you physical affection and sex? Then what are you? A victim of a 'refuser' is what you are. Which is exactly what I was. A man in a sexless and loveless marriage who tried everything I could think of to both maintain and then revive my marriage when it started to die. Now thanks to the heavily gender biased court system in our country I am facing the situation in which I will most likely have to pay some alimony to my abuser. Like I said... Welcome to Hell! By the way before you go off ranting about someone else perhaps you should read the posts and responses, hmm?

Any man or woman who cannot respond to a wife / husband who has done all I suggested, doesn't understand what a two-way-street-marriage is all about. And, you certainly don't want him / her raising your kids with that malfunction and attitude, do you? Any man or woman who doesn't know that sex is a part of marriage and has basically lied to their spouse about his / her needs being fulfilled, really doesn't deserve to be married any longer. JMHO. I've seen divorces take place because of a lack of proper affection. It does happen. And BTW, men are as guilty as women are in that department. It sure is nice when both libidos match up.

I'll go with when a man does it to a woman it's just as cruel and heartless, but check the ratio my friend of the I Live in a Sexless Marriage group. It happens FAR more frequently to men then women. Also escape for a woman who has children has one VERY important difference. The family court is always gender biased in her favor when it comes to time with the children. The best a man can hope for is 50% (unless she is determined to be 'unfit' to be a mother via abuse, negligence, etc.) which, of course, means the worse a woman can do is 50%.

Actually that isn't always true. It certainly isn't in my case. I have my kids 50% of the time, and honestly since the separation I have actually had them slightly more than that since she has on several occasions asked me to keep the kids longer or pick them up sooner. *shrug* Since she knows I have no problem with that whatsoever since I've been clear since the separation all I care about it the kids and getting quality time with them it has worked out just fine.

Amen brother

Can I marry you lol!

Well while I'm certainly flattered I must say if you find a man like me you won't ever be getting married as I certainly will never allow a woman to hold my libido hostage again.

Panties in a twist

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Up.... OUt... and GONE BABY! Separated and I'll tell you what it's an enormous load off my mind/shoulders. Just knowing I CANNOT be rejected is so much better. My brother asked me 'aren't you afraid you will get lonely without the kids and even her sometimes?' Yep... I sure will. Heck I already have and it is WAY better than the constant feeling of rejection and being just 'stuck'. Way better. My soon to be ex-wife had the temerity to put in our separation agreement that neither of us would introduce a 'friend' to the kids unless we had been dating at least 6 months. I laughed so hard I almost puked. The idea that after the betrayals of my first wife (not adultery but rather financial, etc.) and the 'refuser' I just escaped that I will EVER commit to monogamy again was just hilarious. I told her and her attorney 'you might as well make that one 100 years as six months'. My ex-sister-in-law (and yes we still talk regularly) asked if I would feel 'jealous' if my ex-wife starting dating someone. I got another great laugh out of that one. I told her 'no, but I would feel really really bad for the guy she suckers into dating her and if ever given the chance would warn him to 'run and don't stop'.

Congratulations on making it out!

...and now for something completely different! Just over a year later and the divorce is FINAL! Whoo hoo!! I, of course, got the short end of the stick financially and will need several years of scrimping and scraping to get my financial train back on the tracks, but I don't really care at this point. It totally feels worth it get this behind me. Now I just have to make sure my duty as a father to my sons is done. Raise them and make DAMN sure they know marriage is a terrible idea for a male. Hopefully they don't fall into the trap and if I keep repeating the message by the time they are adults they will be prepared. If they want a family... no worries... paternity agreement up front, but not a chance to marriage.

I hope for your kids' sake that you do not indoctrinate them against marriage or monogamous relationships. For you will be instilling a fear of intimacy in them that will likely lead to loneliness and a series of failed relationships. I get that your own experience and choice of partners has been unfulfilling. I myself am at the crossroads of ending my own marriage; pending progress or lack thereof from therapy. Our issue is simple, 22 years together with 3 beautiful kids. But her fear of intimacy and abandonment has ruined our sex life and has her being ridiculously disrespectful. If therapy proves fruitless, I'm out. But my lesson to my children will be that our failed relationship had specific traits. The relationship was strong enough to create the three of you and for you to be loved and cared for, but it wasn't strong enough, respectful enough, to endure; that love and respect go hand and hand, if one is missing, both are missing. Know this and you will not repeat the painful experiences of your parents.

The key is that a marriage and the relationship you mention are not synonymous any longer in our culture or legal system. You can find deep intimacy and even life long partnership without being married. The difference is for men in our system being married essentially holds a 'sword of Damocles' over your head at all times. That, in turn, fosters resentment even if only sub-consciously.

Also I find it ironic that anyone would suggest someone is 'indoctrinating' their children against marriage when all the established churches and our cultural background in the USA from the Puritans in particular clearly 'indoctrinates' us FOR marriage. No I simply tell my children the truth about the risks of marriage just as I tell them about the risks of drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. that can also ruin your life if not properly handled and prepared for.

I agree that religious imperatives towards marriage impose ridiculous pressures to marry and stay that way -- a shame cycle. I also agree that a long term relationship doesn't need to involve marriage if both partners are happy with the relationship being that way. However marriage can be an important step towards expressed equality if family law in your community offers little or no recognition of rights of un-married partners in LTR. In fact, in many communities parental rights can be harder to secure after un-married relationships end. I guess we differ on where the "risk" is: whereas you place the emphasis of risk in the act of marriage, I tend to think the risk lays in "who", not "how" you choose to commit yourself to long term.
We've both made mistakes in the "who" we chose. You've turned the page that I myself could soon turn to relieve unhappiness. In the end, we must all take care of ourselves first. Best of luck to you.

If the family courts were gender blind in any jurisdiction I would agree with you, but currently that simply isn't true. Ergo for a male marriage poses a greater risk then it does for a female. As long as that is true I am duty bound as a father to make my male children aware of that fact.

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I'm 50 woman I do not understand SEXLESS at All. No I did get that memo! I divorced my husband 20 year ago due sexlessness (I just made a word) No sex leads to another person. Mothers/Fathers tell your daughter if you don't an other will....

Stop marrying the people that looks good on the outside and marry the woman or man that will keep you happy. I in love with one of you people now. Find you a real lover and put all your junk on the table, if she want to be with you she. Why do married people stay unhappy, undersexed & still try to smile? You can make more money. but the can't make happiness in HELL...

Oh trust me I was very happy the first two years of our relationship and she seemed to be as well. I most definitely did not pick her just for her good looks. Oh don't get me wrong they sure didn't hurt, but that might be why I ask a woman out, but most definitely not why I stay in a relationship.

DeGracio, we need to form a support group or somthing, to save our sanity !

I hope you do soon....

wow, i've been reading my exact life on here !! i too have talked until i'm blue in the face !! he just sits there and looks at me, just looks, says "i don't know what to say ". i'm thinking SAY GOODBYE !! but..... even tho my children are grown, i would be the one they would blame. Dad is the favorite, he is the strong, religious person...... you're right shoreboy, this IS HELL ! and i feel stuck.

jax10, i understand why you don't want him to touch you given how he behaves ! i feel like i'm living in this house alone, or at the very best with a brother.....it feels so hopeless !

I am sorry to hear of your situation, you really seem to be in pain. However, I'd just like to defend some of the women in these situations as I am one of them! I have been married for 21 years and throughout all this time I've tried to be a good wife, supported my husband, made sacrifices for him so that he could study further, raised the kids and kept the house whilst having a fulltime and very stressfull job. My husband has never helped with the house, the kids or anything and yet always expected a perky wife when he was in the mood.<br />
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We used to have huge fights about his laziness (he was always too tired to help) and about sex. He showed me no affection except when he got into bed and was in the mood. He basically treated me like ****! I tried talking, fighting, begging, counselling for me as he told me I was the crazy ***** and eventually even couples therapy. Nothing has worked for longer than 6 months and I reached a point where I withdrew.<br />
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My husband spends his life in his study on his computer or on his ipad or ipod or any other gadget you can think of - he is a gadget freak and spends ZERO time with me or the kids. His excuse is that we have other interests, but the truth is that he lost interest. He spends a lot of time looking at and downloading ****, as he knows I detest it, and as a result of all the above, our sex life is non existent. I don't want him touching me, he is a stranger to me now as we have no other connections and I can't bear the thought of sleeping with a stranger, then I may as well cheat!<br />
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Men dont realise that women need to feel loved to have sex. If all you are doing is belittling your wife, treating her like crap and not taking care of her, sex is going to be a difficult thing for her to give. My husband has said many of the things you've posted - how he feels rejected, etc., but he refuses to acknowledge how his actions influence this. He says it is just excuses even though the therapist also explained it to him.<br />
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I love my husband and his behaviour is killing me. At times things are so bad that I hate him. I am not saying your situation is the same, but just keep this in mind - the things you do and say can have a far more profound impact than you realise. Good luck!

I certainly agree with many of the things you said. My situation is a bit different. I was the one spending time with the kids and she was the one 'withdrawing' into playing games on her smartphone or laptop I gave her.

As to women 'needing to feel loved to have sex' I'm sorry but I don't necessarily agree with that one. In fact, I vehemently disagree. Considering that women frequently have sex with a man well before they could possibly truly 'love him' (third date and you love the guy... really?). Arranged marriages. 'One night stands', **** actresses, prostitutes, etc. etc. so that argument just doesn't hold water.

No, I believe a woman feels like unless she absolutely wants to have sex at any given moment the man should just 'deal with it' even if that means weeks, months, or even years on end. Sorry we're getting tired of the mixed messages females and the American culture have been giving us the last two decades or so. Not to say any woman 'has to put out' as what is the point of that? I don't want someone to just lie there and not be part of the experience. I want physical affection and intimacy. If that is NOT something a woman wants to give at any given moment that is fine, but if she truly doesn't (this is true for men was well!) ever see herself wanting that again then she needs to be HONEST with her man and let him go. Not hold his libido hostage due to the gender biased family court system. Not force him into choosing to either break his oath of monogamy or accept it changing to an oath of celibacy. I faced that choice. I kept up my end of the bargain. I never strayed even though temptation was presented on several occasions. I did, however, draw a line in the sand. I told her in and out of counseling that time was not unlimited and that if she wasn't going to make any visible effort to try to save our marriage I would have to leave once our children were old enough to understand it wasn't about them. That time came... I left. Now she wants alimony, spousal support, child support (don't mind this one honestly), and wants me to pay HER legal fees so I can get out of this mentally and emotionally abusive situation. Like the title says... "welcome to hell!"

Women need to feel loved to desire sex, and men need to sexually bond in order to feel the emotional closeness that women crave. I'm simplifying, but not much. If a woman feels emotionally neglected and "punishes" her husband by withholding sex, this only adds to the downward spiral. He resents her, she resents him, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

Again I disagree. Does a woman really feel 'loved' on a one-night stand? Really? Or are you making the argument that every 'one night stand' is rape and non-consensual? Look I was a collegiate athlete and a men's fashionwear model. Not trying to be narcisstic or arrogant but I was a good looking, well built, and charismatic guy in my early 20s. I had more than a few girls/women basically throw themselves at me at parties and on 'first dates'. They could not possibly have 'loved me' or expected to 'feel loved' by me. Yet they clearly desired sex with me. I just ain't buying the 'Oprah Winfrey' version of female sexuality. It simply isn't true.

sooo, guys, i'm an attractive professional woman, married 35 years to the same man. I am invisible to him. He doesn't want sex, he doesn't kiss me or hold me or compliment me. occasionally he will try for a quickie for him, nothing for me. i've tried to talk to him soo many times, he doesn't think we have a problem. we have 3 grown children. We are now sitting across the table looking at each other. He's very religious and I know he's not having an affair. I've read all your stories and I feel I'm living the exact same one only I'm the starving wife ! I'm married to a eunich apparently. Any suggestions ???

Dear 35longyears,

You need to really look deeply into your relationship with your husband and determine exactly why you're "INVISIBLE" to him. If your an attractive woman, then there's something else that's not attracting him to you. It's not a physical issue, it's something else. You haven't provided many detail about your relationship, but even though he doesn't think there's any problem, evidently there is because your're NOT happy! Maybe the environment in which you and your husband coexist in is stale - in other words, it doesn't promote any kind of excitement between both of you. Have you ever considered traveling to some romantic city like Paris or Monaco. If you can't afford that, there's plenty of couples only resorts in the US. What types of outdoor activities or interests do you both share? Go do those things that you BOTH enjoy - you'll be amazed at what can happen when you're both doing something that makes you both happy and involved with each other. Once you find this, then the sexual relationship will probably naturally mend on its own.

I wish you good luck!

Losing respect for your partner will definitely turn off the turn on. Other contributing factors: if you are no longer interested in knowing her on a deeper level. If you have no interest in being emotionally intimate with her she is not likely to give you the response you desire. Physical intimacy can be mind blowing if you are connected MIND and body. (most women I know crave this) One idea that usually works is get out of your bedroom & out of town! (leave behind cells, iPads, etc. Don't let tech & TV rob either of you from intimacy) Another idea: hormone replacement. Check it out. Many marriages that have been sex-less for years enjoy intimacy more than ever when depleted hormones are replaced. Get your's checked at the same time; it can help in more than one way.

Sorry been there... done that... the reason she is a 'refuser' isn't because she refuses me sex. It is because she refuses to do anything about it. I do appreciate the suggestions though as they are certainly meant with the best intentions.

I just read this again and something stuck out for me that just made me laugh. Not at your comments as they are clearly well intentioned just at the idea that I would need some kind of check on my hormone levels. Umm.. no. One thing I have never needed is any assistance in that area. Even in my mid-40s obtaining and maintaining an erection is just not an issue and never has been. Trust me if it had I would have immediately worked with a doctor to figure out what/why it was happening and exactly what I could do to fix the issue.

I was referring actually to the last sentence "get yours checked out too". She was 35 when the sex started diminishing. She turned it back on for about 18 months when we really started trying to have kids. August 16 2006 we had sex; not great but at least two participating partners! August 18, 2006 she came in the room and told me she tested positive for pregnancy. We never had sex again. She got what she wanted and as far as she was concerned my needs/wants meant nothing. It then started to dawn on me just how intrinsically selfish she was. It also opened my eyes to look back on her behavior during our relationship and see that was actually a continuing pattern. I don't know if I was just in denial, or allowed myself to 'not see' what I didn't want to see because the other things were good. Just not sure, but now looking back it is crystal clear something like this was going to happen in our relationship. I don't regret meeting her because without that happening I wouldn't have my wonderful boys. I DEEPLY regret marrying her.

I WROTE THIS IN THE INTENT OF HELP... NOT TO HUMILIATE ANYONE... SOME IRONIC HUMOUR IS USED SO PARDON IF I LOST THE TONE.<br />
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BELLOW FACTS YOU MUST FACE AND DEAL ABOUT SEX ISSUES WITH YOUR COUPLE BEFORE CRYING LIKE A BABY OR TRY TO KILL HIM/HER<br />
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1) Some people have deep sex Trauma or Fantasies and will never tell that to you. NOT EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS... and maybe you think the problem is with you...BUT IT IS NOT... this maybe caused by abuse, religion, guilt, a previous sex behavior that you never imagined about, some ancient love or any other idiot thing you would never think is the reason... If that is the case you need a short step for healing... not couple terapy but individual terapy... talking maybe a way... but some secrets you will simply never get extract.. .<br />
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2) Some people "have little or no sex drive"... They are LAZY, GREEDY, FATTY, OBSESSIVE FOR SOMETHING ELSE, WORKHOLICS, Sex for them NOT MATTER AT ALL.. IS JUST A HEAVY BURDEN TO CARRY IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THEIR STATUS QUO... They simply NOT LIKE... <br />
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For that theres is 2 ways only:<br />
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a) You make it better for them... so they start to like WITH you<br />
b) Search a new partner <br />
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3) For your partner eyes (and maybe for all others too) you got boring, wrinkled, bold, more fat, less interesting, stupid, dumb, full of known deffects... etc... THERE IS NO MORE EXCITEMENT IN F.....ING WITH YOU ANYMORE... YOU GOT TO CHANGE... Sex just for the obligation of being marriage is same then food without<br />
salt.. .******... if you are not very hungry you wont eat it... so she/he wont f....k<br />
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4) Little things you said or did may cause a huge disappointment AND THIS CAN GROW ON YOUR PARTNER TO BE A ICE BUCKET ON SEX... Try to find it and fix it.. <br />
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5) Your partner no longer admire you as a mate.. just as a friend or father/mother ... BE A MEN... BE A WOMEN... NOT A SISSY FRIEND OR A BORING MOTHER<br />
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6) Do you really satisfied your partner ... What I mean are you any good in bed ? Sincerally ... and not "good for you"... not trust what they say... try to FEEL the trud... what about your other girls /guys ? (not include those horny teens )<br />
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7) Do you smell good ? Come on... YOU WANT SEX YOU MUST BE CLEAN SMELL GOOD, INCLUDING BREATH AND LOOK SEXY...<br />
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8) Money, kids, job, depression, fat, feeling ugly or old... all these are huge turn offs... HUUGE... any of this requires a lot of counseling and PATIENCE. You must solve the cause first.<br />
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9) Virtual Sex is a disease and is causing thousands of marriages to fail... after all nobody will please you better then yourself... same valid for your spouse... specially with the help of xvideos... TRY TO AGREE ON BANNING INTERNET SEX <br />
<br />
10) Some people NOT LOVE THEIR PARTNERS anymore... but are found of them so they will not admit it.. .maybe for money... maybe for fear of being alone... maybe for kids.. .TALK without any pressure and try get the true... do not show your shocked<br />
or will die if you hear the truth... show that this is very important for the happinness of both of you... if you need to hear the true ... be dirty.. say what she or he needs to <br />
confess without worries that they are simply using you... and worst of all... not for sex...<br />
<br />
11) Try new positions, New Locations (very important), Touch new places, the whole body can estimulate not only the penis or vagina... LEARN TO MAKE SEX RIGHT !! HIRE A HOOCKER IF YOU NEED IT... <br />
<br />
Researches says 70% of people does not know either how to get pleasure or to give it... 30% are lying...<br />
<br />
and more...<br />
<br />
HAVE FUN together... SILLY FUN... BASIC FUN... <br />
TALK MORE about each other without subject like the boring problems of life.. .be interesting !!!<br />
<br />
DO THINGS that you know will turn your partner on (if you do not know what are those things... The problem is either the number 1 or the number "You"<br />
<br />
DRESS BETTER !!! ACT SEXY "TO HER/HIS TASTE"... <br />
DO NOT EXAGERATE THAT IS A TURN OFF TOO<br />
<br />
NOT APPLY PRESSURE ON MAKE SEX... FLIRTING IS IMPORTANT PRESSURING WRONG IS EASIEST WAY TO LOOSE SEX... REMEMBER HOW<br />
EASY WAS TO BLOW IT WHEN YOU WAS A TEEN AND YOU APPLIED THE<br />
WRONG PRESSURE.<br />
<br />
IF YOUR **** DOES NOT WORK... USE YOUR TONGUE OR YOUR FINGER...NOT FEEL LESS MEN FOR THAT... LESBIANS ONLY HAVE THAT<br />
AND SEE HOW FAR THEY CAN GO... <br />
<br />
IF YOU ARE A WOMEN AND WHEN YOU LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOT EVEN YOU WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU... "GET CONFIDENCE" A GOOD F...K DOES NOT NEED A 17 YEAR OLD GORGEOUS LOOKING GIRL...<br />
MOST TIMES THEY NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO IT... BUT NONETHELESS GET A MAKEOVER... LIKE THE ONES IN TV.... <br />
<br />
IF NOTHING WORKS... YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE AND NOT WANT TO LEAVE... BUT YOU NEED THE REAL THING... GO HAVE FUN ... THE WORLD<br />
IS FULL OF PEOPLE CRAVING FOR SEX ADVENTURES... ALSO THERE IS NO<br />
SHAME IN PAYING FOR SOMETHING YOU NEED... GO TO VEGAS, TO RIO,<br />
TO RUSSIA, TO MEXICO, TO AMSTERDA (definetelly)<br />
<br />
LIVE LIFE !!! BE HAPPY !!! SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD !! <br />
<br />
SO STOP COMPLAIN....

Yeah yeah... been there and done that. Sorry to say I've covered all that ground and then some. When the sex first disappeared I was 238 lbs. and 6' 4" tall and in relatively good shape. Then it was like a light switch had been thrown. Everybody's advice is for ME to do something. Well when you've tried again and again to do anything you can think of and pretty much any suggestion that doesn't involve killing someone or selling your soul you get sick of beating your head against a brick wall. Isn't your PARTNER supposed to do something about the situation? Never mind your suggestions were meant to be helpful and I'll take them in that spirit. Thank you.

Just one question: What's a "HOOCKER:? and where do your hire one?????

Hahahahah!

i too find myself in this situation, a wife that i dearly love(d), but she is just not into sex with me. she will quite happily go for 4 months without, always sighting some stupid reason why she's not in the mood, to much chores, had to work late and...we all know the story. No matter what i did, buy flowers/jewellery.. do all the chores, cook dinner et al, nothing changes, have come to the point where i now refuse to beg for it and jump through 1000's of hoops to get it. she now accuse me of getting it elsewhere because i have stopped to beg. I have given up on all of this, at the point where i think walking in front of a train might be a easy way out. I suffer from bipolar depression all my life, so this is not helping me either.

That's the part of being in H3ll. I will not go against my vow. I vowed monogamy and just because she has broken her side (not cheating... just can't be monogamous without sex) doesn't give me free rein to break mine. That's why we're separating next week!

Best of luck to you Shoreboy. Separation is NEVER easy, but sometimes necessary like in your case.

Am a lady in a sexless marriage I wish to get a man in a similar situation

Wow, an amazing forum. My background is married 16 years, four kids. For the past 10 years my wife has basically only wanted to have sex when she wanted to get pregnant. Although I love my kids - I look back and see that after she withdrew from me and lived only for our first child, we shouldn't have had any more kids. <br />
<br />
Our youngest child is just starting school (5), and I had been up until about three years patiently waiting for my wife to come back to me. About 18 months or so ago after I asked for the truth my wife told me 'I love you to death, but I have no physical attraction to you. But its not about anything you've done, that's just the way I feel'. My wife refuses point blank to go to counselling. <br />
<br />
I eventually threatened to leave about twelve months ago and my wife now gives me mercy sex about once a fortnight - which consists of her lying there and telling me to hurry up. I am not allowed to have any foreplay, nor does my wife do anything extra to me. <br />
<br />
So what I have done is now work away and seek a release elsewhere. I have found a gorgeous masseuse who gives me private sessions and I have also had my first affair after 15+ years of marriage. The sex was smoking hot. <br />
<br />
I hate being away and miss my kids, but am home three or so nights a week and just hang out with the kids. Its not perfect but I can't leave because of the kids. I have also made a decision that I will no longer ask for sex at all and am making a solid effort to not provide any physical touch etc to my wife as after years of rejection I'm over it. <br />
<br />
We have never fought in front of the kids and I'm not going to start now. My wife has noticed the change and I have no doubt she senses a major shift in me. My advice to those guys trapped in this terrible catch 22 is to stop loving your wife, be civil, but withdraw all signs of affection apart from a hello, goodbye kiss to keep the kids happy. My wife has noticed this and has actually been making some degree of effort - but I think I have finally reached a point where I have no more pain left to give. <br />
<br />
So, my advice is to stay and love / raise your kids, but find another avenue for your sexual release. Take up some new hobbies, stop listening to your wife and do your own thing. She has withdrawn her love, so don't grovel to get it back, toughen the hell up, buckle yourself in and get on with life as best as you can. <br />
<br />
I know this advice is not perfect, but the alternative of a messy divorce, not seeing your kids grow up, the impact on the kids, financial ruin and the possibility of some bum moving into your house with your kids is much worse. If things don't work out in the end at least you went down with some degree of control and have had some decent intimacy (hopefully) along the way.

Bravo Suede4...
Me 25 together 21 married 3 of the greatest ever. Great relationship, she just don`t love me any more...for a few total B.S reasons...and I dont care anymore.

You don't know how many times that has crossed my mind. I just can't. Either I have a marriage or I don't. It looks like I don't so I'm separating next week!

Divorce is pending. Just fighting to not have to pay my abuser alimony, spousal support, and her legal fees to get out of an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage.

I do understand the hell you are going through, hard to understand why some parteners can opt to punish their mates like this. No feeling no matter how youtry. It is hell indeed to live with someone who is not interested in you sexually. You wonder why they got married to you in the first place. in the first place. Life is all about giving and recieving. Been in this situation for the last 12 yrs. but I am a woman living with a man who calls himself my husband in front of people but wont touch me. He preffers to try different women and dump them but keep me for a show, to sho others that he has a balanced family and and a respectable woman who he does not care a bout. My feelings a re dead. The sad part is that my values do not allow to have an affair.<br />
so I am a married nun. because I want my kids to see both parents each day. I decided to stay, he had refused to divorce me too. but man. I am the sadnest married women on earth! yet i love life in all its wholeness and would love to spend time with someone with real human emotions to talk, alugh, have a deep converstion and make love.. pity I cannot bring myself to being unfaithful.

Wow you are like a mirror image of myself emotionally just on the other side of the gender line. I swore an oath of monogamy and am forced into a role of celibacy. How can he refuse to divorce you? My attorney has been very clear. A lack of physical affection/sex is grounds for divorce under mental cruelty.

I love my wife of 20 year and together 25 years but for the last ten or so, sex has been in the decline. Until last summer when she declared that she has no interest or feeling for it but still loves me very much. Just is not interested and has no feelings or desire for sex, with me or with anyone. Two teenage daughters do not know anything about this.<br />
<br />
Some might say that my performance was questionable. We to that I would say that I have had three or four affairs and each has been amazingly tactile and wonderfully fulfilling. I am a sensual being and I know how to make love. <br />
<br />
I am in love with my current lover and this has made a huge difference as the added facet of love really boosts the physical side of sex too (as we all remember from our marriages at some point before). <br />
<br />
I can say that I am unclear where I will go and where my marriage will end up, as I would not break up until the youngest is older than 21. I am also not sure that my lover would ever want to be with me full time and therefore I think that this could be a foolhardy aim in life, however much I love her now. I think she would always want to be the free party girl and not beholden to one man but who knows. It doesn't have to be decided now.<br />
<br />
To conclude, if you are as lucky as me to find a lover to fall in love with and have great sex at the same time, then it makes a non-physical marriage much easier to cope with.

Sandlanders great input and advice. Should be a member for longer than 38 minutes before you start making recommendations and assumptions.

Man- you just summed up my whole situation. We used to have fantastic sex. She is amazingly beautiful. I now believe she is either gay (and has not admitted it to herself) or having an affair (probably with someone at work. I do have a suspect). Also I am 15 years older. I am getting old now. Could be she just finds me repulsive now. I've got 3 young kids so my chances of "getting out" alive when they are older is not very good.

You are in the anchor (3 kids) catagory. However, keeping "real close" tabs on that suspect (probably someone at work) would do you good. I keep some PIs in my digital Rolodex and use them often. Finding out whether she is getting it at work is really helpful to cutting down and/or eliminating alimony. However, you have 3 cases of child support no matter which way you jump. Maybe you never Ordered Bob Dole's Viagra - who knows. Good luck.

oh man! is this seriously what wife is dealing with? she's not up for sex so she's either (1) gay or (2) an adulterer. good grief man, give the woman a break. let's spell it out THREE YOUNG KIDS! do yourself, your wife and your marriage a favour - don't trade in sterotypes or assumptions. get involved. get connected. get talking. ... and you'll 'get it'!!

Thank you SandLander for your input. I would practice what I preach if I were you. You have no idea what is going on in my life and what the background is for those two comments. Hey thanks for your wicked insightful recommendations. Let me know if you come up with any other cliches I can do.

Truth be told, there's something wrong with women and sex<br />
when the majority of marriages go sexless.<br />
<br />
Here's why.<br />
<br />
When sex becomes an activity of intimacy and ex<x>pression,<br />
a women faces two obstacles. One, she questions if she really <br />
has intimate feelings for her husband, the kind of zenith point<br />
feelings society tells her she's supposed to feel for her husband.<br />
<br />
Two, a modern women has become so comfortable with using<br />
sex as a tool of influence, she has already desensitized her heart<br />
towards the aspect of intimacy and love functioning in sex. <br />
<br />
So when women get married, they view it as a break from sex, due to<br />
their previous sexual experiences. And they wonder why they're confused<br />
about the sex with their husband not being any different from the<br />
sex they had before their husband. Ergo, sex becomes a choir. <br />
<br />
Bottom line, most women need a reality check as a human being, and need<br />
to identify what their heart desired and what they did to nurture that desire. <br />
<br />
And god forbid they have the aforementioned complex and their husband<br />
wants them to be sexy...forgetaboutit.<br />
<br />
What sucks is I'm a straight male. Being gay would make my sexual life easier, but I'm not attracted to males in any sexual aspect whatsoever. Don't even have to experiment with that<br />
cause that's just the way I feel, even after going through a nun faze for the past 3-4 years.<br />
<br />
Most females out there expect Mr. Right to approach them, when realistically they should approach Mr. Right.

Truth be told, there's something wrong with women and sex<br />
when the majority of marriages go sexless.<br />
<br />
Here's why.<br />
<br />
When sex becomes an activity of intimacy and ex<x>pression,<br />
a women faces two obstacles. One, she questions if she really <br />
has intimate feelings for her husband, the kind of zenith point<br />
feelings society tells her she's supposed to feel for her husband.<br />
<br />
Two, a modern women has become so comfortable with using<br />
sex as a tool of influence, she has already desensitized her heart<br />
towards the aspect of intimacy and love functioning in sex. <br />
<br />
So when women get married, they view it as a break from sex, due to<br />
their previous sexual experiences. And they wonder why they're confused<br />
about the sex with their husband not being any different from the<br />
sex they had before their husband. Ergo, sex becomes a choir. <br />
<br />
Bottom line, most women need a reality check as a human being, and need<br />
to identify what their heart desired and what they did to nurture that desire. <br />
<br />
And god forbid they have the aforementioned complex and their husband<br />
wants them to be sexy...forgetaboutit.<br />
<br />
What sucks is I'm a straight male. Being gay would make my sexual life easier, but I'm not attracted to males in any sexual aspect whatsoever. Don't even have to experiment with that<br />
cause that's just the way I feel, even after going through a nun faze for the past 3-4 years.<br />
<br />
Most females out there expect Mr. Right to approach them, when realistically they should approach Mr. Right.

Wow !!! I have several friends who are in the same boat as you guys.... I agree whole heartedly that the court system is extremely biased towards women with respect to divorce. I'm happy to say that my marriage is pretty solid but, even with that, I have had several chats with my wife stating that if we ever were to divorce I'd like just accept however she wanted to set it up [ie. avoid the courts]...... if she knows that I'm not fighting her then she will be more prone to working a "fair" solution [plus she is a great mom so, yeah, I'm more than happy to work to fund my kids' care, etc].<br />
(plus, if I were to fight her the odds are that the court would award her more anyway and she wouldn't have any problem taking whatever they gave her so, heck, IMHO I would be better off giving up right at the start and keep things on friendly terms.....)<br />
<br />
Best of luck guys....

LuvWaiter- I'm sure we could bounce back and forth with war stories of what happened when, or what didn't when it should have. I'd venture to say the exchange would be exhilarating. The Love-Bumper analogy is brilliantly on point. As of today, I’ve adopted it as part of my complex mantra. OBTW…the Love-Bumper works very nicely keeping my eyeballs in my head when I’m near OW (other women) I don’t have any tendency to experience stray vision when I’m well loved. It works for the psyche too. I’d rub-up-against a wood pile if I thought there’d be a snake in it when I’ve gone months without that special affection. (you can take the liberty of substituting that famous four letter word which starts with an ‘f’ and ends with a ‘k’ for the rub-up-against) After a bout of ‘it’ I could care less about any other form of female than the one I’m married to. Isn’t that something? I actually have absolutely no thoughts of any interaction with anyone but her when I’m in this state of mind. So….to point…it’s not all that difficult identifying this…what do I do about it. My 28th anniversary is tomorrow. I’d dated her three years prior to that so the legacy is 31years. I’m still very much in LOVE with her. I knew I loved her before I met her. Where’s the magic answer?