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Welcome to Hell!

If you're a man who wants to see his kids everyday, but you live in a sexless marriage with a gorgeous woman who you used to have regular amazing sex with... is there really anything closer to hell on earth? You get divorced she gets the house, the kids, and you get... screwed without getting laid... nothing quite like it, eh guys?

Shoreboy Shoreboy 41-45, M 83 Responses Jun 18, 2009

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True.

Married for the kids and for my wife's well being, circling back to the kids. She has mysterious illnesses including depression and related medication. My wife got a nice ring, nice home, 2 awesome kids, new SUV, watches Oprah and soap operas all day while I work. So tired of being boxed in. I am a Christian and feel bad about the idea of ******* off and much worse about cheating or divorce. I am successful and have chances that I turn away from regularly. I know people who aren't getting married just because of what has become of me. My wife is worried about herself and my paycheck and that's about it. I see it as a sacrifice that I am needing to make, not sure why. Don't want to be lonely, don't want to be turned down no more.

It is just plain cruel - like torture without being touched.

Men get your women tested for a hormone unbalanced! That's what it sound to me it's like a men with low testosterone just saying! It works miracles!!

...and therein lies part of the reason they are labeled 'refusers'. They not only refuse to have sex with their spouse but refuse to do anything about it either. That is, honestly, one of the most frustrating things about it.

I've been married for almost 11 years and my wife has no interest in improving our sex life! We have sex like once every 4 months and I've reached the end of my rope. I'm sure she'll be shocked that I'm leaving but that's too bad! Even if she tries to have more sex with me to save the marriage I won't take her up on her offer. I don't trust her to take care of me sexually! It's not like I'm an over sexed freak, all I was asking for was sex 2 or 3 times a week. My previous relationships I was having sex almost everyday and sometimes twice a day. I want my sex life back!

Did you leave? I think this way at least 2 x per month.
I'm as mad as I am just plain sad.

I really don't think some people understand that your spouses sex drive is a REAL thing. When you are the person who doesn't like sex you can't fathom why your spouse wants sex so badly! Adversely, when you love sex so much you can't grasp how your partner doesn't crave it every waking second just like you!

Let's face it - as a married couple you are supposed to have sex! It's not right or healthy to go without it unless both people agree they are not interested in having a sexual relationship anymore. You can't just stop having sex because you don't like it anymore and expect your mate to just accept it. That's like you stopped buying water for the household because you don't ever really get that thirsty, but your husband likes to drink a healthy eight glasses a day. You're the one that needs to do something about your healthy water intake, he doesn't need to reduce his water intake, he's the one drinking a healthy amount!

Sex and exercise are pretty much the same things. They gradually get put on the back burner as life gets busier and you get older, they both do wonders for your overall physical and mental health, and you get better and enjoy both the more you do them - they become a part of your daily life! There's no mystery behind the fact that the more sex you have as a couple the tighter the emotional bond becomes. So saying you love your wife/husband isn't enough to support a relationship, you need to have a regular sex-life.

If you are the one lacking a sex drive (barring any serious health or medical issues) you need a lifestyle change. The number one major reason for a lack of a sex-drive is poor eating habits! Eating a clean natural diet almost always does the trick! It's sad that we pay so little attention to what we are putting in our mouths that our health can be crumbling down around us and we don't know what the reason is. EATING A HEALTHY DIET gives us the energy we need for our body to perform optimally! Since we're just talking about sex I won't go into too much detail, but eating your fruits and veggies will give women the iron they need for a healthy blood supply to the genitals and brain, and it gives men the zinc and protein they need to produce testosterone to achieve a good hard long-lasting erection. Cut out smoking, drinking, get a good night sleep every night and you'll increase your sex drive much quicker. Having a mineral enriched blood supply is key to EVERYTHING in your body functioning at it's peak. You wouldn't put dirty engine oil in your cars engine because you know it would destroy the inner workings of it, so why eat a dirty diet! Clean engine oil = prime engine performance. Same theory applies for eating a healthy diet and proper health.

The second major reason you may not want sex is because of a lack of blood-flow. This means your vascular system has gone almost dormant due to lack of use, which translates to YOU NEED TO EXERCISE REGULARLY! Think back to when you were a horny teenager - you probably played a lot of sports, rode your bike and walked everywhere especially before you got your drivers license, and drank tons of water because you were broke and always moving and shaking. Science has shown that your chronological age has nothing to do with loss of your sexual appetite - IT'S ALL ABOUT LIFESTYLES! No matter if you're 9 or 90 you need regular exercise to enjoy a healthy vigorous life. There are people in their 80's that still have fiery sex lives, so saying that because you're 40 years old is NOT an excuse for loss of sexual appetite. Start a light exercise routine of, 20 mins of brisk walking, moderate weight lifting, and stretching. After a week you'll start to feel a heck of a lot better about yourself and more energized! Get the blood pumping through your vascular system and it's going to affect your nether regions too! Especially for men who's penis's require being filled with blood to achieve a nice hard erection. Think how much better you would feel about yourself if you knew that you got hard almost instantaneously every time!


The third and most over-looked reason for lack of a sex drive is your self-image or perception of yourself. The brain is the driver who we actually are, the body is just the vehicle. That's why when someone is classified as brain-dead the person you knew is no more. The psychology of sex is complex but yet so simple - you think positive things and push out the bad thoughts and you will begin to thrive in your day to day life. As people we are so wide diverse it's pretty much crazy to think that you are not sexy. Everyone has their idea of sexy, so just because you aren't a tall lean strawberry blond it doesn't mean you are not a hottie in someone elses mind! I personally LOVE curvy chubby women with big boobs and big bums!!!! The tall strawberry blond is ok but if given the choice of whom I want to have as a sexual partner I'm going with the curvaceous busty woman every time - and I'm a 6'3" athletic type whom most would assume wants a skinny model. Men you do not have to look like Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson to attract a beautiful woman. Ladies you don't have to look like Jessica Alba to get a great guy! A lot of women love husky men, a lot of women like skinny guys too.....there is know "perfect body type", it's subjective. What is important is taking care of your appearance. It does wonders for your mental image of who you are. If you constantly tell yourself that you are sexy eventually you will feel that way. If you tell yourself that you enjoy sex and imagine yourself pleasing your partner, they will begin to respond to you positively because you are giving off "good vibes" and that stuff is contagious!

Occasionally the issue could be some other issue outside of the bedroom. I hate to say it, but women are notorious for letting small issues spill over into other facets of their lives so a good long talk about your relationship may be in order. As men we are notorious for not noticing the small things which can accumulate to make for one big issue by female standards. I'm not saying that withholding sex is right, I'm saying that women tend to have issues separating life outside the bedroom in the bedroom and men generally don't think outside the bedroom when it comes to sex.

The last thing I will say about this is, if you're the partner that wants more sex, state that you want a better sexual relationship without being insulting, pushy or cruel. Sex can be a touchy topic for a lot of people especially if they are shy! Just explain in a calm and pleasant upbeat way that you would love to start having more sex with him/her because I really feel the need to be close to them. Most men like feeling like they are in control of sex, most women like feeling they are with a man who is well versed in the arts of sex. It's OK to switch roles and experiment with some desires in a fun and playful way (Hence why 50 Shades of Grey is so popular!) Take it easy and don't try to make an instantaneous increase in sexual activity. If you were having sex once every few weeks, try having sex once a week for a few weeks then sneak in an odd extra one once in a while after a couple months. Don't be so obvious about wanting sex, sometimes just snuggle for the sake of snuggling, kiss for the sake of just kissing, the need to feel loved precedes and is greater than the need for sex. Within a few months you may be surprised that you're having sex almost every day.

I hope that I have helped you and maybe someone else who reads this. I went through a sexless marriage where we were having sex once every three or four months for years. Our longest stretch was eight months and I was going to ask for a divorce for this reason alone. I began doing a lot about sex rather than go see a sex therapist who would have told me the same things I read for free for a lot of money! If you exhaust all these ideas and tips, then I suggest seeking professional help. Cheating will relieve your sexual tension but you'll be constantly waiting for the affair to blow-up in your face which will stress you out and you may decide to end it, which your mistress will not appreciate at all. I say try working it out with your wife and asking her if she's;

1) no longer attracted to you?

2) having confidence or self-image issues?

3) asexual and has no interest in sex?

4) bi-sexual or gay?

5) suffering from depression?

They might seem like way over the top questions, but in reality they're the major reasons for avoiding sex!

Ditto, it is pure BS. This painful life of so called marriage is chronic across all ages and lifestyles. Women simply get comfortable and forget the man who provides so much comfort. We are left hanging in the wind looking for some magical moment when the wife remembers that we still exist. 27 years - not likely to happen. Kid's are the glue that hold marriages together by choice of the man. If not, we'd run for a much simpler life.

I left my husband because the neglect was too much to bear and the daily reminder that he did not care enough to partner in finding a solution to the sexless nature of our marriage was more than I could (or deserved) to have to live with. I hate that so many of us live in this state for so long, begging, pleading, cajoling, threatening, bribing our partner in life to care about our needs. Such a shame.

If you have to 'bribe, cajole, or beg' then they aren't your partner. I too came to this painful realization. When you do it is time to leave and start the next chapter in your life. Hopefully, that chapter is a better one. At least that is my hope for myself.

I hope it is for you too! At least there will not be daily reminders of rejection. I hope you find peace and happiness!

Yes. There *IS* something worse. Try being a man who only ever wanted a woman to love and who would love him..... but never had a single woman in his life ever say the words "I love you" to him. Yes, I would say living an unloved life is far worse. At least at SOME point you had a woman care enough to marry you and have your kids. At 58 I face the "golden" years along.

At 58, you're in your golden years.

Hell, son, I'm just getting started.

hahahahaha the lack of booty makes you moody

...and the lack of all physical affection makes you leave!

Yep. Sucks buddy.

I'm a man and this is my view: If you, as a man, refuse to do your housework, refuse to do some dishes, refuse to do some laundry, refuse to do some cooking, refuse to attend the kid's games, refuse to lay next to your wife and let her tell you about HER day, refuse to satisfy her without worrying if you'll be satisfied, refuse to just sit on the couch and talk about what SHE wants to talk about, refuse to do some shopping, refuse to wash the windows, refuse to change the filters, refuse to paint the front door, refuse to pull some weeds, refuse to give her a full and complete body massage (maybe with an ******, or two) and not worry whether or not you get one, or whether or not she wants to let you have one, and refuse to do it HER way, then what in the ****do you expect if you can't act like a man?

Interesting and I agree. So what if you do all those things and she doesn't do those things AND refuses you physical affection and sex? Then what are you? A victim of a 'refuser' is what you are. Which is exactly what I was. A man in a sexless and loveless marriage who tried everything I could think of to both maintain and then revive my marriage when it started to die. Now thanks to the heavily gender biased court system in our country I am facing the situation in which I will most likely have to pay some alimony to my abuser. Like I said... Welcome to Hell! By the way before you go off ranting about someone else perhaps you should read the posts and responses, hmm?

Any man or woman who cannot respond to a wife / husband who has done all I suggested, doesn't understand what a two-way-street-marriage is all about. And, you certainly don't want him / her raising your kids with that malfunction and attitude, do you? Any man or woman who doesn't know that sex is a part of marriage and has basically lied to their spouse about his / her needs being fulfilled, really doesn't deserve to be married any longer. JMHO. I've seen divorces take place because of a lack of proper affection. It does happen. And BTW, men are as guilty as women are in that department. It sure is nice when both libidos match up.

I'll go with when a man does it to a woman it's just as cruel and heartless, but check the ratio my friend of the I Live in a Sexless Marriage group. It happens FAR more frequently to men then women. Also escape for a woman who has children has one VERY important difference. The family court is always gender biased in her favor when it comes to time with the children. The best a man can hope for is 50% (unless she is determined to be 'unfit' to be a mother via abuse, negligence, etc.) which, of course, means the worse a woman can do is 50%.

Actually that isn't always true. It certainly isn't in my case. I have my kids 50% of the time, and honestly since the separation I have actually had them slightly more than that since she has on several occasions asked me to keep the kids longer or pick them up sooner. *shrug* Since she knows I have no problem with that whatsoever since I've been clear since the separation all I care about it the kids and getting quality time with them it has worked out just fine.

Amen brother

Can I marry you lol!

Well while I'm certainly flattered I must say if you find a man like me you won't ever be getting married as I certainly will never allow a woman to hold my libido hostage again.

Panties in a twist

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Up.... OUt... and GONE BABY! Separated and I'll tell you what it's an enormous load off my mind/shoulders. Just knowing I CANNOT be rejected is so much better. My brother asked me 'aren't you afraid you will get lonely without the kids and even her sometimes?' Yep... I sure will. Heck I already have and it is WAY better than the constant feeling of rejection and being just 'stuck'. Way better. My soon to be ex-wife had the temerity to put in our separation agreement that neither of us would introduce a 'friend' to the kids unless we had been dating at least 6 months. I laughed so hard I almost puked. The idea that after the betrayals of my first wife (not adultery but rather financial, etc.) and the 'refuser' I just escaped that I will EVER commit to monogamy again was just hilarious. I told her and her attorney 'you might as well make that one 100 years as six months'. My ex-sister-in-law (and yes we still talk regularly) asked if I would feel 'jealous' if my ex-wife starting dating someone. I got another great laugh out of that one. I told her 'no, but I would feel really really bad for the guy she suckers into dating her and if ever given the chance would warn him to 'run and don't stop'.

Congratulations on making it out!

...and now for something completely different! Just over a year later and the divorce is FINAL! Whoo hoo!! I, of course, got the short end of the stick financially and will need several years of scrimping and scraping to get my financial train back on the tracks, but I don't really care at this point. It totally feels worth it get this behind me. Now I just have to make sure my duty as a father to my sons is done. Raise them and make DAMN sure they know marriage is a terrible idea for a male. Hopefully they don't fall into the trap and if I keep repeating the message by the time they are adults they will be prepared. If they want a family... no worries... paternity agreement up front, but not a chance to marriage.

I hope for your kids' sake that you do not indoctrinate them against marriage or monogamous relationships. For you will be instilling a fear of intimacy in them that will likely lead to loneliness and a series of failed relationships. I get that your own experience and choice of partners has been unfulfilling. I myself am at the crossroads of ending my own marriage; pending progress or lack thereof from therapy. Our issue is simple, 22 years together with 3 beautiful kids. But her fear of intimacy and abandonment has ruined our sex life and has her being ridiculously disrespectful. If therapy proves fruitless, I'm out. But my lesson to my children will be that our failed relationship had specific traits. The relationship was strong enough to create the three of you and for you to be loved and cared for, but it wasn't strong enough, respectful enough, to endure; that love and respect go hand and hand, if one is missing, both are missing. Know this and you will not repeat the painful experiences of your parents.

The key is that a marriage and the relationship you mention are not synonymous any longer in our culture or legal system. You can find deep intimacy and even life long partnership without being married. The difference is for men in our system being married essentially holds a 'sword of Damocles' over your head at all times. That, in turn, fosters resentment even if only sub-consciously.

Also I find it ironic that anyone would suggest someone is 'indoctrinating' their children against marriage when all the established churches and our cultural background in the USA from the Puritans in particular clearly 'indoctrinates' us FOR marriage. No I simply tell my children the truth about the risks of marriage just as I tell them about the risks of drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. that can also ruin your life if not properly handled and prepared for.

I agree that religious imperatives towards marriage impose ridiculous pressures to marry and stay that way -- a shame cycle. I also agree that a long term relationship doesn't need to involve marriage if both partners are happy with the relationship being that way. However marriage can be an important step towards expressed equality if family law in your community offers little or no recognition of rights of un-married partners in LTR. In fact, in many communities parental rights can be harder to secure after un-married relationships end. I guess we differ on where the "risk" is: whereas you place the emphasis of risk in the act of marriage, I tend to think the risk lays in "who", not "how" you choose to commit yourself to long term.
We've both made mistakes in the "who" we chose. You've turned the page that I myself could soon turn to relieve unhappiness. In the end, we must all take care of ourselves first. Best of luck to you.

If the family courts were gender blind in any jurisdiction I would agree with you, but currently that simply isn't true. Ergo for a male marriage poses a greater risk then it does for a female. As long as that is true I am duty bound as a father to make my male children aware of that fact.

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I'm 50 woman I do not understand SEXLESS at All. No I did get that memo! I divorced my husband 20 year ago due sexlessness (I just made a word) No sex leads to another person. Mothers/Fathers tell your daughter if you don't an other will....

Stop marrying the people that looks good on the outside and marry the woman or man that will keep you happy. I in love with one of you people now. Find you a real lover and put all your junk on the table, if she want to be with you she. Why do married people stay unhappy, undersexed & still try to smile? You can make more money. but the can't make happiness in HELL...

Oh trust me I was very happy the first two years of our relationship and she seemed to be as well. I most definitely did not pick her just for her good looks. Oh don't get me wrong they sure didn't hurt, but that might be why I ask a woman out, but most definitely not why I stay in a relationship.

DeGracio, we need to form a support group or somthing, to save our sanity !

I hope you do soon....

wow, i've been reading my exact life on here !! i too have talked until i'm blue in the face !! he just sits there and looks at me, just looks, says "i don't know what to say ". i'm thinking SAY GOODBYE !! but..... even tho my children are grown, i would be the one they would blame. Dad is the favorite, he is the strong, religious person...... you're right shoreboy, this IS HELL ! and i feel stuck.

jax10, i understand why you don't want him to touch you given how he behaves ! i feel like i'm living in this house alone, or at the very best with a brother.....it feels so hopeless !

I am sorry to hear of your situation, you really seem to be in pain. However, I'd just like to defend some of the women in these situations as I am one of them! I have been married for 21 years and throughout all this time I've tried to be a good wife, supported my husband, made sacrifices for him so that he could study further, raised the kids and kept the house whilst having a fulltime and very stressfull job. My husband has never helped with the house, the kids or anything and yet always expected a perky wife when he was in the mood.<br />
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We used to have huge fights about his laziness (he was always too tired to help) and about sex. He showed me no affection except when he got into bed and was in the mood. He basically treated me like ****! I tried talking, fighting, begging, counselling for me as he told me I was the crazy ***** and eventually even couples therapy. Nothing has worked for longer than 6 months and I reached a point where I withdrew.<br />
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My husband spends his life in his study on his computer or on his ipad or ipod or any other gadget you can think of - he is a gadget freak and spends ZERO time with me or the kids. His excuse is that we have other interests, but the truth is that he lost interest. He spends a lot of time looking at and downloading ****, as he knows I detest it, and as a result of all the above, our sex life is non existent. I don't want him touching me, he is a stranger to me now as we have no other connections and I can't bear the thought of sleeping with a stranger, then I may as well cheat!<br />
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Men dont realise that women need to feel loved to have sex. If all you are doing is belittling your wife, treating her like crap and not taking care of her, sex is going to be a difficult thing for her to give. My husband has said many of the things you've posted - how he feels rejected, etc., but he refuses to acknowledge how his actions influence this. He says it is just excuses even though the therapist also explained it to him.<br />
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I love my husband and his behaviour is killing me. At times things are so bad that I hate him. I am not saying your situation is the same, but just keep this in mind - the things you do and say can have a far more profound impact than you realise. Good luck!

I certainly agree with many of the things you said. My situation is a bit different. I was the one spending time with the kids and she was the one 'withdrawing' into playing games on her smartphone or laptop I gave her.

As to women 'needing to feel loved to have sex' I'm sorry but I don't necessarily agree with that one. In fact, I vehemently disagree. Considering that women frequently have sex with a man well before they could possibly truly 'love him' (third date and you love the guy... really?). Arranged marriages. 'One night stands', **** actresses, prostitutes, etc. etc. so that argument just doesn't hold water.

No, I believe a woman feels like unless she absolutely wants to have sex at any given moment the man should just 'deal with it' even if that means weeks, months, or even years on end. Sorry we're getting tired of the mixed messages females and the American culture have been giving us the last two decades or so. Not to say any woman 'has to put out' as what is the point of that? I don't want someone to just lie there and not be part of the experience. I want physical affection and intimacy. If that is NOT something a woman wants to give at any given moment that is fine, but if she truly doesn't (this is true for men was well!) ever see herself wanting that again then she needs to be HONEST with her man and let him go. Not hold his libido hostage due to the gender biased family court system. Not force him into choosing to either break his oath of monogamy or accept it changing to an oath of celibacy. I faced that choice. I kept up my end of the bargain. I never strayed even though temptation was presented on several occasions. I did, however, draw a line in the sand. I told her in and out of counseling that time was not unlimited and that if she wasn't going to make any visible effort to try to save our marriage I would have to leave once our children were old enough to understand it wasn't about them. That time came... I left. Now she wants alimony, spousal support, child support (don't mind this one honestly), and wants me to pay HER legal fees so I can get out of this mentally and emotionally abusive situation. Like the title says... "welcome to hell!"

Women need to feel loved to desire sex, and men need to sexually bond in order to feel the emotional closeness that women crave. I'm simplifying, but not much. If a woman feels emotionally neglected and "punishes" her husband by withholding sex, this only adds to the downward spiral. He resents her, she resents him, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

Again I disagree. Does a woman really feel 'loved' on a one-night stand? Really? Or are you making the argument that every 'one night stand' is rape and non-consensual? Look I was a collegiate athlete and a men's fashionwear model. Not trying to be narcisstic or arrogant but I was a good looking, well built, and charismatic guy in my early 20s. I had more than a few girls/women basically throw themselves at me at parties and on 'first dates'. They could not possibly have 'loved me' or expected to 'feel loved' by me. Yet they clearly desired sex with me. I just ain't buying the 'Oprah Winfrey' version of female sexuality. It simply isn't true.

sooo, guys, i'm an attractive professional woman, married 35 years to the same man. I am invisible to him. He doesn't want sex, he doesn't kiss me or hold me or compliment me. occasionally he will try for a quickie for him, nothing for me. i've tried to talk to him soo many times, he doesn't think we have a problem. we have 3 grown children. We are now sitting across the table looking at each other. He's very religious and I know he's not having an affair. I've read all your stories and I feel I'm living the exact same one only I'm the starving wife ! I'm married to a eunich apparently. Any suggestions ???

Dear 35longyears,

You need to really look deeply into your relationship with your husband and determine exactly why you're "INVISIBLE" to him. If your an attractive woman, then there's something else that's not attracting him to you. It's not a physical issue, it's something else. You haven't provided many detail about your relationship, but even though he doesn't think there's any problem, evidently there is because your're NOT happy! Maybe the environment in which you and your husband coexist in is stale - in other words, it doesn't promote any kind of excitement between both of you. Have you ever considered traveling to some romantic city like Paris or Monaco. If you can't afford that, there's plenty of couples only resorts in the US. What types of outdoor activities or interests do you both share? Go do those things that you BOTH enjoy - you'll be amazed at what can happen when you're both doing something that makes you both happy and involved with each other. Once you find this, then the sexual relationship will probably naturally mend on its own.

I wish you good luck!

Losing respect for your partner will definitely turn off the turn on. Other contributing factors: if you are no longer interested in knowing her on a deeper level. If you have no interest in being emotionally intimate with her she is not likely to give you the response you desire. Physical intimacy can be mind blowing if you are connected MIND and body. (most women I know crave this) One idea that usually works is get out of your bedroom & out of town! (leave behind cells, iPads, etc. Don't let tech & TV rob either of you from intimacy) Another idea: hormone replacement. Check it out. Many marriages that have been sex-less for years enjoy intimacy more than ever when depleted hormones are replaced. Get your's checked at the same time; it can help in more than one way.

Sorry been there... done that... the reason she is a 'refuser' isn't because she refuses me sex. It is because she refuses to do anything about it. I do appreciate the suggestions though as they are certainly meant with the best intentions.

I just read this again and something stuck out for me that just made me laugh. Not at your comments as they are clearly well intentioned just at the idea that I would need some kind of check on my hormone levels. Umm.. no. One thing I have never needed is any assistance in that area. Even in my mid-40s obtaining and maintaining an erection is just not an issue and never has been. Trust me if it had I would have immediately worked with a doctor to figure out what/why it was happening and exactly what I could do to fix the issue.

I was referring actually to the last sentence "get yours checked out too". She was 35 when the sex started diminishing. She turned it back on for about 18 months when we really started trying to have kids. August 16 2006 we had sex; not great but at least two participating partners! August 18, 2006 she came in the room and told me she tested positive for pregnancy. We never had sex again. She got what she wanted and as far as she was concerned my needs/wants meant nothing. It then started to dawn on me just how intrinsically selfish she was. It also opened my eyes to look back on her behavior during our relationship and see that was actually a continuing pattern. I don't know if I was just in denial, or allowed myself to 'not see' what I didn't want to see because the other things were good. Just not sure, but now looking back it is crystal clear something like this was going to happen in our relationship. I don't regret meeting her because without that happening I wouldn't have my wonderful boys. I DEEPLY regret marrying her.

I WROTE THIS IN THE INTENT OF HELP... NOT TO HUMILIATE ANYONE... SOME IRONIC HUMOUR IS USED SO PARDON IF I LOST THE TONE.<br />
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BELLOW FACTS YOU MUST FACE AND DEAL ABOUT SEX ISSUES WITH YOUR COUPLE BEFORE CRYING LIKE A BABY OR TRY TO KILL HIM/HER<br />
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1) Some people have deep sex Trauma or Fantasies and will never tell that to you. NOT EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS... and maybe you think the problem is with you...BUT IT IS NOT... this maybe caused by abuse, religion, guilt, a previous sex behavior that you never imagined about, some ancient love or any other idiot thing you would never think is the reason... If that is the case you need a short step for healing... not couple terapy but individual terapy... talking maybe a way... but some secrets you will simply never get extract.. .<br />
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2) Some people "have little or no sex drive"... They are LAZY, GREEDY, FATTY, OBSESSIVE FOR SOMETHING ELSE, WORKHOLICS, Sex for them NOT MATTER AT ALL.. IS JUST A HEAVY BURDEN TO CARRY IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THEIR STATUS QUO... They simply NOT LIKE... <br />
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For that theres is 2 ways only:<br />
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a) You make it better for them... so they start to like WITH you<br />
b) Search a new partner <br />
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3) For your partner eyes (and maybe for all others too) you got boring, wrinkled, bold, more fat, less interesting, stupid, dumb, full of known deffects... etc... THERE IS NO MORE EXCITEMENT IN F.....ING WITH YOU ANYMORE... YOU GOT TO CHANGE... Sex just for the obligation of being marriage is same then food without<br />
salt.. .******... if you are not very hungry you wont eat it... so she/he wont f....k<br />
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4) Little things you said or did may cause a huge disappointment AND THIS CAN GROW ON YOUR PARTNER TO BE A ICE BUCKET ON SEX... Try to find it and fix it.. <br />
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5) Your partner no longer admire you as a mate.. just as a friend or father/mother ... BE A MEN... BE A WOMEN... NOT A SISSY FRIEND OR A BORING MOTHER<br />
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6) Do you really satisfied your partner ... What I mean are you any good in bed ? Sincerally ... and not "good for you"... not trust what they say... try to FEEL the trud... what about your other girls /guys ? (not include those horny teens )<br />
<br />
7) Do you smell good ? Come on... YOU WANT SEX YOU MUST BE CLEAN SMELL GOOD, INCLUDING BREATH AND LOOK SEXY...<br />
<br />
8) Money, kids, job, depression, fat, feeling ugly or old... all these are huge turn offs... HUUGE... any of this requires a lot of counseling and PATIENCE. You must solve the cause first.<br />
<br />
9) Virtual Sex is a disease and is causing thousands of marriages to fail... after all nobody will please you better then yourself... same valid for your spouse... specially with the help of xvideos... TRY TO AGREE ON BANNING INTERNET SEX <br />
<br />
10) Some people NOT LOVE THEIR PARTNERS anymore... but are found of them so they will not admit it.. .maybe for money... maybe for fear of being alone... maybe for kids.. .TALK without any pressure and try get the true... do not show your shocked<br />
or will die if you hear the truth... show that this is very important for the happinness of both of you... if you need to hear the true ... be dirty.. say what she or he needs to <br />
confess without worries that they are simply using you... and worst of all... not for sex...<br />
<br />
11) Try new positions, New Locations (very important), Touch new places, the whole body can estimulate not only the penis or vagina... LEARN TO MAKE SEX RIGHT !! HIRE A HOOCKER IF YOU NEED IT... <br />
<br />
Researches says 70% of people does not know either how to get pleasure or to give it... 30% are lying...<br />
<br />
and more...<br />
<br />
HAVE FUN together... SILLY FUN... BASIC FUN... <br />
TALK MORE about each other without subject like the boring problems of life.. .be interesting !!!<br />
<br />
DO THINGS that you know will turn your partner on (if you do not know what are those things... The problem is either the number 1 or the number "You"<br />
<br />
DRESS BETTER !!! ACT SEXY "TO HER/HIS TASTE"... <br />
DO NOT EXAGERATE THAT IS A TURN OFF TOO<br />
<br />
NOT APPLY PRESSURE ON MAKE SEX... FLIRTING IS IMPORTANT PRESSURING WRONG IS EASIEST WAY TO LOOSE SEX... REMEMBER HOW<br />
EASY WAS TO BLOW IT WHEN YOU WAS A TEEN AND YOU APPLIED THE<br />
WRONG PRESSURE.<br />
<br />
IF YOUR **** DOES NOT WORK... USE YOUR TONGUE OR YOUR FINGER...NOT FEEL LESS MEN FOR THAT... LESBIANS ONLY HAVE THAT<br />
AND SEE HOW FAR THEY CAN GO... <br />
<br />
IF YOU ARE A WOMEN AND WHEN YOU LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOT EVEN YOU WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU... "GET CONFIDENCE" A GOOD F...K DOES NOT NEED A 17 YEAR OLD GORGEOUS LOOKING GIRL...<br />
MOST TIMES THEY NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO IT... BUT NONETHELESS GET A MAKEOVER... LIKE THE ONES IN TV.... <br />
<br />
IF NOTHING WORKS... YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE AND NOT WANT TO LEAVE... BUT YOU NEED THE REAL THING... GO HAVE FUN ... THE WORLD<br />
IS FULL OF PEOPLE CRAVING FOR SEX ADVENTURES... ALSO THERE IS NO<br />
SHAME IN PAYING FOR SOMETHING YOU NEED... GO TO VEGAS, TO RIO,<br />
TO RUSSIA, TO MEXICO, TO AMSTERDA (definetelly)<br />
<br />
LIVE LIFE !!! BE HAPPY !!! SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD !! <br />
<br />
SO STOP COMPLAIN....

Yeah yeah... been there and done that. Sorry to say I've covered all that ground and then some. When the sex first disappeared I was 238 lbs. and 6' 4" tall and in relatively good shape. Then it was like a light switch had been thrown. Everybody's advice is for ME to do something. Well when you've tried again and again to do anything you can think of and pretty much any suggestion that doesn't involve killing someone or selling your soul you get sick of beating your head against a brick wall. Isn't your PARTNER supposed to do something about the situation? Never mind your suggestions were meant to be helpful and I'll take them in that spirit. Thank you.

Just one question: What's a "HOOCKER:? and where do your hire one?????

Hahahahah!

i too find myself in this situation, a wife that i dearly love(d), but she is just not into sex with me. she will quite happily go for 4 months without, always sighting some stupid reason why she's not in the mood, to much chores, had to work late and...we all know the story. No matter what i did, buy flowers/jewellery.. do all the chores, cook dinner et al, nothing changes, have come to the point where i now refuse to beg for it and jump through 1000's of hoops to get it. she now accuse me of getting it elsewhere because i have stopped to beg. I have given up on all of this, at the point where i think walking in front of a train might be a easy way out. I suffer from bipolar depression all my life, so this is not helping me either.

That's the part of being in H3ll. I will not go against my vow. I vowed monogamy and just because she has broken her side (not cheating... just can't be monogamous without sex) doesn't give me free rein to break mine. That's why we're separating next week!

Best of luck to you Shoreboy. Separation is NEVER easy, but sometimes necessary like in your case.

Am a lady in a sexless marriage I wish to get a man in a similar situation

Wow, an amazing forum. My background is married 16 years, four kids. For the past 10 years my wife has basically only wanted to have sex when she wanted to get pregnant. Although I love my kids - I look back and see that after she withdrew from me and lived only for our first child, we shouldn't have had any more kids. <br />
<br />
Our youngest child is just starting school (5), and I had been up until about three years patiently waiting for my wife to come back to me. About 18 months or so ago after I asked for the truth my wife told me 'I love you to death, but I have no physical attraction to you. But its not about anything you've done, that's just the way I feel'. My wife refuses point blank to go to counselling. <br />
<br />
I eventually threatened to leave about twelve months ago and my wife now gives me mercy sex about once a fortnight - which consists of her lying there and telling me to hurry up. I am not allowed to have any foreplay, nor does my wife do anything extra to me. <br />
<br />
So what I have done is now work away and seek a release elsewhere. I have found a gorgeous masseuse who gives me private sessions and I have also had my first affair after 15+ years of marriage. The sex was smoking hot. <br />
<br />
I hate being away and miss my kids, but am home three or so nights a week and just hang out with the kids. Its not perfect but I can't leave because of the kids. I have also made a decision that I will no longer ask for sex at all and am making a solid effort to not provide any physical touch etc to my wife as after years of rejection I'm over it. <br />
<br />
We have never fought in front of the kids and I'm not going to start now. My wife has noticed the change and I have no doubt she senses a major shift in me. My advice to those guys trapped in this terrible catch 22 is to stop loving your wife, be civil, but withdraw all signs of affection apart from a hello, goodbye kiss to keep the kids happy. My wife has noticed this and has actually been making some degree of effort - but I think I have finally reached a point where I have no more pain left to give. <br />
<br />
So, my advice is to stay and love / raise your kids, but find another avenue for your sexual release. Take up some new hobbies, stop listening to your wife and do your own thing. She has withdrawn her love, so don't grovel to get it back, toughen the hell up, buckle yourself in and get on with life as best as you can. <br />
<br />
I know this advice is not perfect, but the alternative of a messy divorce, not seeing your kids grow up, the impact on the kids, financial ruin and the possibility of some bum moving into your house with your kids is much worse. If things don't work out in the end at least you went down with some degree of control and have had some decent intimacy (hopefully) along the way.

Bravo Suede4...
Me 25 together 21 married 3 of the greatest ever. Great relationship, she just don`t love me any more...for a few total B.S reasons...and I dont care anymore.

You don't know how many times that has crossed my mind. I just can't. Either I have a marriage or I don't. It looks like I don't so I'm separating next week!

Divorce is pending. Just fighting to not have to pay my abuser alimony, spousal support, and her legal fees to get out of an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage.

I do understand the hell you are going through, hard to understand why some parteners can opt to punish their mates like this. No feeling no matter how youtry. It is hell indeed to live with someone who is not interested in you sexually. You wonder why they got married to you in the first place. in the first place. Life is all about giving and recieving. Been in this situation for the last 12 yrs. but I am a woman living with a man who calls himself my husband in front of people but wont touch me. He preffers to try different women and dump them but keep me for a show, to sho others that he has a balanced family and and a respectable woman who he does not care a bout. My feelings a re dead. The sad part is that my values do not allow to have an affair.<br />
so I am a married nun. because I want my kids to see both parents each day. I decided to stay, he had refused to divorce me too. but man. I am the sadnest married women on earth! yet i love life in all its wholeness and would love to spend time with someone with real human emotions to talk, alugh, have a deep converstion and make love.. pity I cannot bring myself to being unfaithful.

Wow you are like a mirror image of myself emotionally just on the other side of the gender line. I swore an oath of monogamy and am forced into a role of celibacy. How can he refuse to divorce you? My attorney has been very clear. A lack of physical affection/sex is grounds for divorce under mental cruelty.

I love my wife of 20 year and together 25 years but for the last ten or so, sex has been in the decline. Until last summer when she declared that she has no interest or feeling for it but still loves me very much. Just is not interested and has no feelings or desire for sex, with me or with anyone. Two teenage daughters do not know anything about this.<br />
<br />
Some might say that my performance was questionable. We to that I would say that I have had three or four affairs and each has been amazingly tactile and wonderfully fulfilling. I am a sensual being and I know how to make love. <br />
<br />
I am in love with my current lover and this has made a huge difference as the added facet of love really boosts the physical side of sex too (as we all remember from our marriages at some point before). <br />
<br />
I can say that I am unclear where I will go and where my marriage will end up, as I would not break up until the youngest is older than 21. I am also not sure that my lover would ever want to be with me full time and therefore I think that this could be a foolhardy aim in life, however much I love her now. I think she would always want to be the free party girl and not beholden to one man but who knows. It doesn't have to be decided now.<br />
<br />
To conclude, if you are as lucky as me to find a lover to fall in love with and have great sex at the same time, then it makes a non-physical marriage much easier to cope with.

Sandlanders great input and advice. Should be a member for longer than 38 minutes before you start making recommendations and assumptions.

Man- you just summed up my whole situation. We used to have fantastic sex. She is amazingly beautiful. I now believe she is either gay (and has not admitted it to herself) or having an affair (probably with someone at work. I do have a suspect). Also I am 15 years older. I am getting old now. Could be she just finds me repulsive now. I've got 3 young kids so my chances of "getting out" alive when they are older is not very good.

You are in the anchor (3 kids) catagory. However, keeping "real close" tabs on that suspect (probably someone at work) would do you good. I keep some PIs in my digital Rolodex and use them often. Finding out whether she is getting it at work is really helpful to cutting down and/or eliminating alimony. However, you have 3 cases of child support no matter which way you jump. Maybe you never Ordered Bob Dole's Viagra - who knows. Good luck.

oh man! is this seriously what wife is dealing with? she's not up for sex so she's either (1) gay or (2) an adulterer. good grief man, give the woman a break. let's spell it out THREE YOUNG KIDS! do yourself, your wife and your marriage a favour - don't trade in sterotypes or assumptions. get involved. get connected. get talking. ... and you'll 'get it'!!

Thank you SandLander for your input. I would practice what I preach if I were you. You have no idea what is going on in my life and what the background is for those two comments. Hey thanks for your wicked insightful recommendations. Let me know if you come up with any other cliches I can do.

Truth be told, there's something wrong with women and sex<br />
when the majority of marriages go sexless.<br />
<br />
Here's why.<br />
<br />
When sex becomes an activity of intimacy and ex<x>pression,<br />
a women faces two obstacles. One, she questions if she really <br />
has intimate feelings for her husband, the kind of zenith point<br />
feelings society tells her she's supposed to feel for her husband.<br />
<br />
Two, a modern women has become so comfortable with using<br />
sex as a tool of influence, she has already desensitized her heart<br />
towards the aspect of intimacy and love functioning in sex. <br />
<br />
So when women get married, they view it as a break from sex, due to<br />
their previous sexual experiences. And they wonder why they're confused<br />
about the sex with their husband not being any different from the<br />
sex they had before their husband. Ergo, sex becomes a choir. <br />
<br />
Bottom line, most women need a reality check as a human being, and need<br />
to identify what their heart desired and what they did to nurture that desire. <br />
<br />
And god forbid they have the aforementioned complex and their husband<br />
wants them to be sexy...forgetaboutit.<br />
<br />
What sucks is I'm a straight male. Being gay would make my sexual life easier, but I'm not attracted to males in any sexual aspect whatsoever. Don't even have to experiment with that<br />
cause that's just the way I feel, even after going through a nun faze for the past 3-4 years.<br />
<br />
Most females out there expect Mr. Right to approach them, when realistically they should approach Mr. Right.

Truth be told, there's something wrong with women and sex<br />
when the majority of marriages go sexless.<br />
<br />
Here's why.<br />
<br />
When sex becomes an activity of intimacy and ex<x>pression,<br />
a women faces two obstacles. One, she questions if she really <br />
has intimate feelings for her husband, the kind of zenith point<br />
feelings society tells her she's supposed to feel for her husband.<br />
<br />
Two, a modern women has become so comfortable with using<br />
sex as a tool of influence, she has already desensitized her heart<br />
towards the aspect of intimacy and love functioning in sex. <br />
<br />
So when women get married, they view it as a break from sex, due to<br />
their previous sexual experiences. And they wonder why they're confused<br />
about the sex with their husband not being any different from the<br />
sex they had before their husband. Ergo, sex becomes a choir. <br />
<br />
Bottom line, most women need a reality check as a human being, and need<br />
to identify what their heart desired and what they did to nurture that desire. <br />
<br />
And god forbid they have the aforementioned complex and their husband<br />
wants them to be sexy...forgetaboutit.<br />
<br />
What sucks is I'm a straight male. Being gay would make my sexual life easier, but I'm not attracted to males in any sexual aspect whatsoever. Don't even have to experiment with that<br />
cause that's just the way I feel, even after going through a nun faze for the past 3-4 years.<br />
<br />
Most females out there expect Mr. Right to approach them, when realistically they should approach Mr. Right.

Wow !!! I have several friends who are in the same boat as you guys.... I agree whole heartedly that the court system is extremely biased towards women with respect to divorce. I'm happy to say that my marriage is pretty solid but, even with that, I have had several chats with my wife stating that if we ever were to divorce I'd like just accept however she wanted to set it up [ie. avoid the courts]...... if she knows that I'm not fighting her then she will be more prone to working a "fair" solution [plus she is a great mom so, yeah, I'm more than happy to work to fund my kids' care, etc].<br />
(plus, if I were to fight her the odds are that the court would award her more anyway and she wouldn't have any problem taking whatever they gave her so, heck, IMHO I would be better off giving up right at the start and keep things on friendly terms.....)<br />
<br />
Best of luck guys....

LuvWaiter- I'm sure we could bounce back and forth with war stories of what happened when, or what didn't when it should have. I'd venture to say the exchange would be exhilarating. The Love-Bumper analogy is brilliantly on point. As of today, I’ve adopted it as part of my complex mantra. OBTW…the Love-Bumper works very nicely keeping my eyeballs in my head when I’m near OW (other women) I don’t have any tendency to experience stray vision when I’m well loved. It works for the psyche too. I’d rub-up-against a wood pile if I thought there’d be a snake in it when I’ve gone months without that special affection. (you can take the liberty of substituting that famous four letter word which starts with an ‘f’ and ends with a ‘k’ for the rub-up-against) After a bout of ‘it’ I could care less about any other form of female than the one I’m married to. Isn’t that something? I actually have absolutely no thoughts of any interaction with anyone but her when I’m in this state of mind. So….to point…it’s not all that difficult identifying this…what do I do about it. My 28th anniversary is tomorrow. I’d dated her three years prior to that so the legacy is 31years. I’m still very much in LOVE with her. I knew I loved her before I met her. Where’s the magic answer?

Making Love sounds corny, but it is literal, it makes more love .it is a love high that makes men happy and it also makes us overlook lots of other crap in life. It builds a bonding effect in the relationship.<br />
when the sex ia good we would say the level of importance of sex is 25% of the relationship BUT when there is NO SEX in the marriage, the level of importance is more like 90%.. I think of sex as the fuel in our gas tanks, and when all the gas is used up the vehicle doesn;t move well, and you have to get out and push it...until the next sex refill comes along. If for example my wife just screwed my brains out, and came home from a quick run to the supermarket and told me she smacked the front of the car up,, I would talk her down and tell her not to worry about it. If my wife has been blowing me off and not making any love, and my love gas tank was dry and empty,,,, the accident would totally **** me off. All depends at what level we start from and how much love bumper is in place at the time of the problem. Women don't understand any of this

yea you just live in house with wife kids<br />
no sex if you leave you lose everything your work for is it woth it i dont think so

I was in the same boat a year ago, several years previous of very little to no sex. I was so full of despair. I finally started telling her the kinds of things you say above. I talked with her many times, most of them fruitless, she just did not get it. But finally, something I said got through. We scheduled sex, once a week. Even that did not work at first, there was always an excuse. Until suddenly it started working. We have sex on Sundays (when I am not so tired from work). It has been getting better ever since. EXTREMELY tough times, but it can work. I know women have a lot of tough issues, biochemically, emotionally. TALK is the only solution.<br />
Last night she f*cked the heck out of me. Almost like HS, and she still have a great *ss.

Though sad, I'm glad to have read this thread. Over the 12 years of my marriage, experiencing poor physical intimacy and even poorer sex, I've spend much time thinking and researching this issue. I've discovered good advice on the matter including:<br />
-Meet her needs, such as listening, closeness,etc. (Read His Needs, Her Needs)<br />
-Keep things fresh and exciting (see MrNightdevil1983's post)<br />
-Focus on creating a positive present/future, don't dwell on past (think early dating)<br />
-Stay far away from **** - don't delude yourself, only outside help (including God) can fully break this addiction<br />
-Stay healthy - fortunately, exercise is a great way to let off sexual frustration<br />
-Don't obsess - sex can be addicting and it hijacks the brain making us less attractive<br />
Unfortunately, as a result of me not applying the above advice early and often enough, or my wife's thyroid condition, or likely both, our sex life is nil. Her thyroid condition is treated BTW, but it still wreaks havoc on her hormones. <br />
Like Shoreboy, my biggest obstacle at this point is that she won't seek help or even discuss the matter. I too consider myself a good father and husband, carrying more than my share of the load. I suspect that the accumulation of negativity around the matter (years of me complaining), coupled with her physical condition have lead to an irreversible situation. If you are not yet at such a place, please take my advice and turn the love boat around!

Look guys sometimes we need to just admit when we need some help with sex! Have any one of you considered that actually she might not be wanting sex/intimacy because you aren't quite hitting the right spot with her? There's a lot of discussions out there about wives not putting out and my own wife was in that category but I don't give up or blame her! We need to figure this stuff out, it's important! <br />
<br />
F"ck it, complain about this comment if you like but i've bought everything from vibrators to '****** creams' for her but what we ultimately came back to and started enjoying again is that sex is bloody funny. It really is, we bought a guide, no idea about anyone else's but this is the one we got: www,therealpla<x>yers,com we looked through it, talked about the techniques and had fun practising some stupid *** positions... When it comes down to it guys and I hate to sound like the old sage just because my wife and I are now having more sex than ever, but the simple fact is, SEX IS JUST GOOD FUN! Try to get HER to remember that and you'll start to see her change her mind about it... Pressure is bad. Fun is good.

I never complain about honesty. If she never had seemed to be really involved and enthusiastic about our sex life I would find your advice quite good. Unfortunately, for me it was more like a light switch well into our relationship, but unfortunately not very far into our marriage. We literally went from 3-4 times per week on average to less than once per month in a single month and it never went back and instead grew worse and then just complete rejection from that point forward. This included most painfully the lack of nearly all other forms of physical affection. Brutal honestly.

you know I have had a moment to think about what I said in response. It is true you only know my circumstances by what I have written and I was appaled at youre lack of sympathy. It's okay though because I wanted to tell you I am sorry someone hurt you so badly and that I pray you can forgive them. Not so much for them but for you. I may never get the chance to rebuild things with my husband but I do love him and if his being with another woman is the right thing for him then I will be glad if she is truly good to him. He is a good man and even through all the pain we had both been through I was truly blessed to have two children with him. I can ask God's forgiveness for the things I did wrong and pray to God for understanding and perhaps a chance to make things right, but if I never get that chance again with him ,I will try to learn from the things I did wrong and pray to never repeat them.

@bluebird39 - While I applaud your honesty and I don't enjoy anyone suffering you do understand I hope that I have little sympathy for you. The pain you feel. The rejection you feel. Your husband endured that EVERY day for those 30 years. You mentioned that he spent significant time (in your opinion) away from your home. I'm curious was that before or after you cut him off from sex and physical affection? If every time I was in a house the only person I was allowed to be physically affectionate with never showed any affection I would want to be elsewhere also. It is nearly impossible for me to have any sympathy for the 'refuser'. You aren't called a 'refuser' because you refuse sex. You are called a 'refuser' because you refused to do anything about it. You wouldn't talk to your spouse about your emotions and issues with the relationship in fear of hurting him, but you hurt him everyday by your refusal to deal with the situation. *shrug* Nothing personal as I don't know you, but I'm glad for your husband he finally got rid of his 'refuser' and has been able to move on with his life. Too bad it took 30 years honestly as he could have been happier earlier.

I have read this entire thread.<br />
At first I was kind of happy to know I'm not alone, now though, I'm saddened that I'm not.<br />
To all the women that posted here, thanks for your thoughts, even though I feel most of you don't get it.<br />
Intimacy seems to not be very important to my wife any longer, so in turn I guess, it's not supposed to be important to me, or at least that's the way she makes me feel.<br />
I long for more than just sex.<br />
We used to have what we called SUANN (Stay Up All Night Night) on Friday and/or Saturday nights.<br />
That is no longer.<br />
She still flirts with me every once in a while, and that's really frustrating for me, because it leads nowhere.<br />
I call it teasing, because it will get my mind going, thinking maybe tonight, only to hear her start snoring five minutes after lying down.<br />
I've felt guilty, selfish, among other not so pleasant feelings.<br />
She actually told me during a conversation about the lack of loving we're going through, and she totally took it the wrong way (this was a discussion, not an argument) and she said "if you're so miserable, why don't you just leave?, and don't give me the 'I love you' answer either.<br />
I don't know what to do, it's so very depressing...

I have to say.. Reading these stories are very sad. I am a the wife that doesn't give the husband sex. However there are a few reasons for that. Some very personal, and some that straight to the point , it's boring! I have only been married for two years and I have been with my husband for almost five years. Our sex life in the beginning was ok. I just felt that he would get too excited and would eventually be able to handle me. Well after two years of marriage and almost getting a divorce, something clicked in his head. I think us woman have so many things going on that we forget that our husbands are our team mates, our lovers, our friends. I don't have any children , but I tell you this... I see my friends and what they go through. I am not saying having children is not a blessing it depends on the couple. I am nto excusing any of these woman for not giving up the goods, but I think at some point we too get bored and are tired of the same thing all the time. Unless you hadan amazing sex life. You can always rekindle what you had, but what do you do when there were problems from the beginning. I know I should have fixed this before I got married. However I love him and I loved him very much. Hang in there guys

There are also plenty of woman in loveless sexless marriages that are looking for more than a roll in the hay, but also an emotional connection. Perhaps a love affair with real feelings is just what the doctor ordered.. .just don't marry someone when your divorce goes through. Marriage is the complication that leads to feelings of hell on earth!

"...just don't marry someone when your divorce goes through'...
No worries there. I will NEVER allow someone to hold my libido hostage again. Never. I'm monogamous by nature and don't ever see myself dating more than one woman at a time, but to I will also never commit to 'monogamy' again by having a woman's life totally intertwined with mine. No thanks... fool me once shame on you... fool me twice?

There are also plenty of woman in loveless sexless marriages that are looking for more than a roll in the hay, but also an emotional connection. Perhaps a love affair with real feelings is just what the doctor ordered.. .just don't marry someone when your divorce goes through. Marriage is the complication that leads to feelings of hell on earth!

Shoreboy,<br />
<br />
I noticed something in your Oct 20th comment: medication for rheumatoid arthritis. Have you looked into the side effects of the medication? I don't know what the alternative is since medication for rheumatoid is life-long, but maybe there is more than one option of medicine. I know that when my husband had to temporarily go on a lot of different meds (before surgery fixed the problem) he didn't have an erection for the entire time, which was about 9 months!! and told me he suddenly had no interest whatsoever in sex. We knew it was the medication, since that was one of the printed side effects, so we didn't worry about that being permanent, but afterwards he thought it was the strangest thing, to have his desire for sex just disappear so completely. This is a man who is normally ready for sex at any time every day. Meds mess with brain chemicals and the desire for sex is in the brain. (I know you know this, just pointing out the obvious). Maybe a gynocologist or sex therapist could help there. A complete lack of sexual desire often has a physical cause. Other than meds it could be being overweight, exhaustion, inadequate diet, lack of aerobic exercise. Of course there are psychological reasons as well, but you would be surprised how, just for instance, running 30 minutes every other day, lifting weights, etc can get all the juices flowing, so to speak, changes attitudes, reinvigorates life. It takes more than just romance to change the brain chemicals. Also, I recently read that rubbing the lower back releases the body's pleasure (oxycontin) chemicals, and I've found that after a tense day of working, having my husband rub my lower back gets rid of all the tense thoughts circling in my head and relaxes me to a point that I can want sex, during times he wants it (every day) and I'm not interested.

wel well i have red all these comments and all i see is my path heading down the same road. but unlike you i am just at the beginning. the sex is dead and i am just in it for the kids now. <br />
<br />
we have already seperated. but got back together again because she sed she missed me to much and the kids where going backwards. but we have only been together again 3 weeks and it was tru the kids where going backwards. but i have relised it wasnt me she was missing. it was the help she missed. sure we sleep in the same bed but 1 foot apart. and after reading this i am not looking ford to the future. <br />
i would leave again but after seeing with my own eyes the dammage that it did to my kids 15mths 2.5 year and 4.5 years, i will stay even if its just for them. i took vows to deth do us part. all i can do now is wait and hope that i dont have to wait to long.

Yeah I waited until my kids were five years old and I could explain to them in terms they would understand that it wasn't about them at all, and that even though we didn't get to spend nearly as much time together I would always be available for them even when they were staying with Mommy. Seemed to help, but there have been rough patches and she is definitely feeling the 'pinch' now that she has to do 50% of the work. One of her sisters asked me if I had my 'eyes opened' any and if I could appreciate having a spouse to help. I just started laughing. I told her to talk to her other sisters (not just my wife) about it as they have been around us far more frequently and know I've been the primary caregiver nearly the kids entire lives. She talked to me about a week ago and told me my wife is completely exhausted and said she can't believe how much work the kids are... well no sh!t lady! Welcome to the party!

@Fonzielovesyoda - Actually my wife is a very good mother. I have zero complaints in that area. She isn't a 'drug abuser' by any stretch of the imagination. The occasional doobie is the limit and never anywhere near the kids, nor if she is going to be alone with the kids. She very rarely drinks any longer because of medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis. As far as I can tell she doesn't have a physical relationship on the side. I don't know about a 'cyber affair', but ba<x>sed upon her various actions I don't think there is really any of that going on either. She has just completely 'lost her mojo' and doesn't seem to have any interest in getting it back. That is the truly painful thing. She doesn't seem to WANT to do anything about it. She isn't trying to be deliberately cruel to me by 'denying' me sex. <br />
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I cannot leave her without leaving my children. It's really as simple as that... it doesn't matter what state you live in. If you are the father and live in a two parent household if you get divorced (either by your own OR her choice) the absolute BEST you are going to get from a family court system is 50% time. Also, the father MUST live near the mother and children if he wants that 50% visitation. Luckily in most states at least the courts won't let her move away from you without an extremely good reason. If she does... and you still want 50% time you give up your job, house, etc. and move. Welcome to Hell... sorry you could join us.

If you aren't getting it at home, get it elsewhere. Living with a closed recreational ride is far worse than losing everything you own to it through divorce. Mine was denying me for twenty years before she finally told me that the kids I had been supporting weren't even fathered by me and that she was kicking me out.<br />
It only took two years for her and the studs she was screwing to lose everything the ****** judge awarded her in the dissolution and she was back scratching at my door asking forgiveness.<br />
I had to inform her that she had been replaced by two Asian sisters who were helping pay the rent by working as strippers and they fought over who was going to sleep with me every night.

I'm in the same boat. I was a stay at home dad for years. Then it was "my turn" to try to get re-employed. I managed to land a job despite my lacking resume, but it did not last. At any rate, I admit I don't do that much laundry, but I pretty much do all the shopping and cooking. I carry maybe 10 extra lbs. but I'm working out every day to get in better shape. I'm in the "I can't do anything else" mode at this point. She won't consider therapy anymore (we tried once but she canceled after like 4 sessions). I'm starting to think this is a generational problem. I also get tired of the "you need to do more" advice. I'm a good husband, a good dad, and a good friend. I've been rejected so much, I don't feel like I should have to go out on the limb just to get rejected again. She seems to be somewhat aware, but nothing changes and I'm thinking it never will. It is a form of abuse. I've gotten to the point where I crave just a little female attention to validate my manhood...so sad! But back to the original point, I love my wife and family. I don't want to cheat, but I'm basically screwed and staring down a long and difficult road.

Your wife is emotionally abusing you. GET OUT, but not just yet . Contact a really mean bastard of a lawyer (DON"T TELL HER THOUGH!) (hopefully you don't live in Oregon, their state laws are always on the women's side,) and look at all your options, exagerate if necessary. She does not deserve you. Sex is a healthy normal activity for a married couple. You are being treated like a eunich. You need to operate like a stealth bomber, is she mentally ill ? Document it, does she hit the boys? use drugs ? cheat on you? write down everything even if it sounds stupid. You may even need to hire a PI. This advice goes for all you men out there. It goes both ways, women can be equal abusers just as much as men. <br />
Just remember sometimes the Devil's advocate wears lipstick...

Those that make excuses ought to be ashamed of themselves. There are OTHER people out there in the wings who would be more than glad to take the spouses off their hands. Noone should have to go through an obstacle course in order to get sex from their spouse. Scr*w that............

@ella29 - I must assume your response isn't to my posting but the one right above your own. In my situation I don't give a damn about 'lowering my standard of living'. All I care about is that because I'm a male the absolute best I could hope for would be to cut the amount of time I spend with my sons in half. I've flat out told my wife that if I can have the boys as primary caregiver she can keep the cars, the house, AND doesn't have to give me a dime in child support.

If you really have tried everything, including helping her by being loving to her and understanding while she gets counseling, wouldn't it be better to just get the divorce in an amicable way? Just prepare yourself for lowering your standard of living. Don't just stew in your misery... or her misery. Or move to my state, a no-fault state. I found out my husband of 25 years was having an affair (with no marital problems being addressed before hand, more of a situational affair after being heavily flirted wtih). When I was in the "kick the bastard out" stage, and researched divorces, I found out that in my state, even though he admitted that it was completely his fault, we had to split everything 50/50. Not only did I lose my love, my respect for my husband, I would have lost my home and moderate standard of living, without any of it being my fault. He even said he would give me the house during his period of remorse, but I'm smart enough to know that once you involve lawyers, he would have changed his mind. But, for some reason...I think because I'm really still very much in love with him, even if I am mad and disappointed in him...I've forgiven him after he showed me he was consistently remorseful, so the issue has passed. But it was a shock to find out that his immature behavior could have really tortured me beyond the shock and betrayal, but would have put me in the poverty range (trying to live on a teacher's salary in a non-union state). At least I would have qualified for food stamps! But, if he had not pulled himself up out of the mud and showed me consistently that he has changed, I would have made the sacrifice, just to get a fresh start.

Mindreader2, please don't take the latter! If you're really unhappy (and you're sure the marriage is dead), then unless you're going to be destitute (i.e. sleeping in the park) the price of divorce is worth paying if you'll get your life back. <br />
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I sometimes think that were it not for the kids and the fact that wife and I are best friends I would gladly give up the home, cars etc for a single room in an apartment to which I could call any woman and build a new relationship. But that's just me.<br />
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And for the sake of some morbidity, I've decided that in my current state the last thing I would desire is a long life. I want to see my kids get to adulthood and then...that's it. To live into old age would be torture in two ways. One it would be an endless chore of live exempt from LIVING. Second as I got older I would have nothing fond to look back on in my marriage. A quick short life for me.

I just want an end. divorce seems too expensive. suicide seems too permanent.

Marblue, glad to hear things are better with your H. Exactly, how much spontineity was lacking on your honeymoon? Clearly, you had issues early on. There are no excuses for the spark to be lost before it has a chance to develop. This is one of my central issues with my refuser, nothing is sacred or expected. In your case it was on the honeymoon, in my case I am refused on our very rare so called romantic getaways. There is no event or occasion that is ever big enough. I hope that you will be honest with yourself and the real reasons you refused. Sex can be fun and easy with no strings, that is why we married. I hope you don't back slide because he doesn't keep up his end of your bargain. Remember sex is fun, sex is easy.

Hi everyone,<br />
<br />
I have read all the comments from the beginning and I feel sad to hear all your experiences and loss of love and intimacy in your lives.<br />
<br />
I am the wife of a former sexless marriage - my husband was who I rejected and hurt every day for years.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it will help but I could try and shed light to help you all, I possibly understand from your wife/partner's point of view and I understand yours.<br />
<br />
To give you a bit of background, we had been together for 5 years and married 4 years in when we had a sex-breakdown. In our time before we had split up and reunited because we both felt we could not live without each other again.<br />
He is a builder with his own business and all the stress that came with it, I worked full time in a high demand job and once we were home we would flop on the lounge and just stare at the tv until we would crash on the lounge.<br />
<br />
My husband made me resent sex it wasn't that I resented him, I loved him and we got along but my sex drive decreased to none, nearly immediately after we were married. He wanted to have sex at least once a day, or 4 times a week he tried to talk to me about it but in my head all I could think was how selfish he was demanding sex when HE wanted sex - Not when I wanted sex.<br />
<br />
So I began to make excuses:<br />
- Too tired from working all day<br />
- Too stressed from working all day<br />
- Too stressed from other life matters - outside family issues/financial things etc<br />
- Sick (although I was perfectly fine)<br />
- Not in the mood <br />
<br />
ETC.......which I'm so sure you have heard those and many more!!!!<br />
<br />
I will tell you this ....... NO ONE DISLIKES SEX......<br />
<br />
I wanted sex, but I would see him and just lose my libido, because I felt pressured.<br />
We tried making an effort of going to bed earlier to have sex and it was just the biggest turn off that it was all staged and sometimes we both would stop and just say what the f*** are we doing.<br />
<br />
He spoke to me one day and said, "we are losing touch" and it really hit home.<br />
I thought about what he had said, how we don't have sex, we had sex 3 times during the first 2 months of our marriage (mind you 3 weeks after the wedding we were on our HONEYMOON, not to mention we slept on separate lounges the first night of our marriage-due to allergies from the flowers left on our bed! haha..so u get what I mean here) and that he felt like we aren't living - we're just "existing".<br />
<br />
But that was it. There was no spontaneity, no living or doing things for each other out of the blue.<br />
We didn't show APPRECIATION towards each other, barely said a genuine thank you.<br />
It hit me that I felt literally like a screw bag who cooked and cleaned.<br />
And he agreed, he realised that the little surprises in life mattered, the dinners out that were organised by him that I never knew about always ended it magnificent sex because we ENJOYED the time we spent together on those nights.<br />
It seems so materialistic but it really means your showing your appreciation for that person by spoiling them, every now and again. It doesn't have to be money spent, it could be a drive, a romantic walk or a simple picnic in the park. I felt gratified wanted and I felt sexy because the attention was for me. Almost immediately we fell in love all over again, and I'm now more aware of his feelings. He also knows that just by sitting next to me on the lounge watching tv with an arm around my shoulders is comfort and security. He knows if I've had a bad day, he tells me to talk and listens, sometimes disagrees, but you know that's life.<br />
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Some nights we would enjoy each other's company, and I know all of this gets extremely hard once you have kids, but once they're 12 and older, they need to learn they can't be attended to 24/7, my parent's taught me that and they've been married for over 30 years, still hold hands and kiss each other every morning when they're off to work and everyday when they come home!<br />
<br />
Reality is you both need time to yourselves - separate from each other and children and the kids, friends and family. You also need time together without disruptions.<br />
I know its hard and you guys who have kids I totally understand you're saying "yeah right what would you know" but I guess you have to just TRY to make the most of it when the kids are over at their friend's places or at sport etc...at least 2 times a month please!<br />
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Once you start spending real time together the times in between you will start to miss each other and thats when the spark in your heart ignites again!<br />
<br />
Good luck and I hope you all find balance and happiness<br />
xox

It is so sad to actually find this site. I have read with sympathy and interest all the stories on this thread. My problem is I have a beautifull wife, incredibly sexy, who I have lost no interest in. I would say I want her more now than ever...problem is she has zero libido. I am lucky that she has tried, she has gone to doctors, tried the creams, the medications, had all the tests, and appears to want to improve our sex life, but it does not improve and does not look like it ever will. Here is my problem, and I would think this would hit home with most of the men here. If she loves me, and I believe she does, why won't she do it for me no matter how she feels? Do it because loving someone means you want to please them, I know I would do it for her, and there are many things I do just because I love her, not because I want to or like it. Maybe the women that read this thread can shed some light on that. That is what hurts the most at this point. The fact that I found this site shows my frustration. I have thought about having an affair, have many opportunities, but just can't bring myself to do it, knowing how much it would hurt her, knowing that it would mean the end of my marraige, knowing it would ruin me personally and financially. We have two boys 16 and 13, have been together for 25 years married for 18 and otherwise have a great relationship. It is the only thing we have any conflict over, but to me it is a big deal. Compared to some of the other stories here I guess I am doing better than I thought, we still have a sex life, just nothing close to what I would like, and is primarily what I call "courtesy ****", I truly empathize with those of you who go months or years without sex with your wife, it sounds like you not only have a sexless marraige, but a loveless one as well. I don't know how I could handle that. I wish all of you the best and hope your situations improve.

@ASeeker<br />
wow... just... I mean... wow...<br />
<br />
you put that more succinctly yet fully than I have ever read. My hat is off to your 'panache with the pen'. It is incredible how many of us are in a similar situation. I too feel the shame of cowardice when I look into the mirror and tell myself "you know that no matter how wonderful the other parts of your life with her are the one aspect of complete misery makes what could be wonderful just barely tolerable and a long shout from acceptable." Yet, I stay, thus my cowardice is not only exposed to myself but exposed to those who know my situation and watch me just 'take it'. <br />
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I tell myself (honestly) that it's my own need to see my kids and vice versa that is what makes it 'tolerable' until they reach the age my leaving will make more sense (I'm targeting 8 years old if nothing changes for the better). I hope by then I can ensure they understand that none of this is their fault in any way, shape, or form. It will break my heart not to see them every day, but I also understand that living in a house filled with resentment and a lack of physical affection between parents is not healthy for their development. Good luck in your struggle.

What to add? Foremost is to echo what others have said about how sad this is. I feel like I am rotting from the inside. Together for seventeen years, best friends, good partners, good roommates, incredible sex for so many years....then a steady decline of sex leading to the last five years of no sex. Like others, I have gone the extra mile. I have tired to talk, to be supportive, to be patient. She admits to a loss of interest but what's worse, she has no interest in exploring what changed, whether physiological, psychological or biological. <br />
<br />
I want so much to be gone but the thought of hurting her destroys me. I fantasize that she would somehow ask me to leave. I promised myself I would never be in a relationship where it is just going through the motions--look around you and you'll see more of those than you might think. I have so many friends who've resigned themselves. But when I do see truly happy, intimate couples I hurt as if they have kicked me. <br />
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I just have to add that although I want sex, the actual act is not what I care about most. I care about passion and intimacy and flirting and a look across the room or a gentle hand on the shoulder. I care about getting dressed for a night out and picking out her favorite shirt, or seeing her with one button extra unbuttoned on her blouse for that subtle tease she knows kills me. I care about feeling wanted and making her feel wanted. I care about the safety two lovers feel, how they can be beautiful for each other in that safety. Because that is what makes the act of sex worthwhile. <br />
<br />
And as much as all of that kills me, I beat myself up for forsaking my principles and needs. Ultimately, I feel like a coward for staying.

That was amazingly written. I'm so sorry to all men who experience this...

It saddens me to find how common this situation is.

I can certainly empathize with you. My wife is a gorgeous woman. At one time we had, what I felt at least, was pretty good sex. 10 years and a lot of crap left unattended later and we have been sexless for a good 4 years. She has also now had an affair. In finding that out and agreeing to work on our marriage to see if we can save it, I find that she has no romantic feelings for me at all.<br />
<br />
The irony - while we both hold equal responsibility for allowing our marriage to become what it has but also both agree the affair is NOT my responsibility as she made choices in that regard - is that I have never lost my love/romantic feeling for her. She has thought of divorce...I have not.<br />
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Now we are in therapy and working on reconciliation. May work, may not. In the end, as with so much, the control really is in her "court." And every day I hope we have reached the point in which we can stop being in a sexless marriage. Not yet. So yes, IT IS HELL!!

i read all your stories with great interest. I have never looked to try and find help on the internet before, but just have too. Ive been with my wife 13 years since school, 2 children aged 2 and 4, great house, car, job and most of all a great family life.BUT my sex life is sh*t. it used to be all the time and now its down to the odd time and my wife says that i should do it just or me. She even suggested i find a sex friend as she is just not interested in that part of the relationship anymore. I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE!!!! i want sex with my wife, because i love her. I have no doubt that she is not having an affair. We share all the household chores, i wash, clean,cook, dress, shop and all the other things, im an excellent dad, treat us to family days out regular, make sure that we both have our own time, yet she is never interested in me. No more little kisses, or cheeky bum squeezes. 13 years ago it was so different, i know that children change things, but its now making me unhappy and stressed. What do i do, i dont what to walk away from a women and family that i love. I ve suggested sex therapy but she says no as she does not believethere is a problem. im screaming here!!!

The kids will not only find out, but I'm bound and determined that chance has nothing to do with it. As soon as they are old enough for sex education (starting at age 8 in my household) they will also be given education in the other aspects of sexual relationships by me. Figure about 14 - 16 years of age when the emotional side at least to some extent gets hooked to the hormonal side and I'll explain the concept of a sexless marriage and how that is a very serious risk to engaging in marriage for a male in our culture. That said I have no intention of getting into any specific details about my wife and I's former sex life with my children just that the lack thereof and it's codicil of no physical affection exists and what emotional turmoil it has caused me. Firstly and foremost, the graphic details are none of their business and the balance to that is their own personal sex lives will be none of my business or anyone else's unless they choose to share it.<br />
<br />
Anytime I can be honest with my children I will. Just as my father was with me and my siblings. Life skills aren't taught in school (and doesn't that just suck), thus it's not only vital for the parents to help 'educate' their kids but to 'teach' them about life. Too many children today are cosseted and kept distant from the realities of life. Unprepared.

I don't maybe I am just plain stupid or some thing. But what happens if by some chance that the kids find out? what then?

Tbell - if I had a dollar every time I've read something like your comments - 'help out around the house', 'do some laundry', 'be attentive' - I would be a millionaire. I am sorry your significant other did that to you, but if you were my wife I wouldn't be in this forum right now…wink-wink-nod-nod. I am with Shoreboy - I do and have done almost everything I possibly could like him. It is a damn shame…but those are the facts. Many guys here are in this boat and don't want to be. They cook, clean, feed the dog, feed the fish, scrub the toilet, clip the toenails - you get the idea.

Man, that sounds like the definition of being "whipped."

V V - Been there... done that. I've tried my best to be supportive and gently ask her to work with her doctor to do some testing, etc. Our marriage counselor (female... not that it matters) also suggested she talk to a doctor about her 'missing libido', but she continues to insist nothing is to be gained by it. My distaste and frustration aren't as much from the lack of affection/sex in our marriage as her complete unwillingness to do anything about it.<br />
<br />
Tbell - I work more hours professionally, take the boys to Dcare every day; which of course means getting them up, cleaned up, dressed, fed, and lunchboxes packed. I also pickup the boys from Dcare nearly every day. I spend nearly every dinner with them and prepare over %50 of those. I also take the boys every Sunday so she can have a 'sleep in' day. I also give them their nightly baths and toothbrushings. I also do %100 of the grocery shopping, over 75% of the cooking, and %100 of the 'outside work' on our house and property. We have a maid service for the inside so the only 'chores' my wife has is 50% of the boys dinners, the laundry (when I bug her about it), and feeds the dog. I do the rest and I want to have affection and yes sex from my wife. The look on our therapist's face when my wife admitted everythling I just told you is true was priceless. It was nice to see a female admit that sometimes men do not only just as much but more than a woman in a marriage/household. I've tried very, very hard to look at things from her perspective and all I can see is she is taking severe advantage of me because she knows that the boys are everything to me and in a divorce she would get the kids. Now does my story title make sense?

I am so very sorry

I am so saddened by not only this story, but by the comments as well. I absolutely agree with VendettaVita, and not just because I'm a woman. There is obviously something else going on here and if it isn't medical, it may be depression or simply exhaustion. There have been times that I have had so many other things going on between work (which at times is as much as 80hrs a week), cooking, cleaning, whatever, that I just don't want to do one more thing! Unfortunately, it is easy for that particular aspect of a relationship to be the first to become "expendable" for lack of a better word. My ex never realized that if just one time while I was working so many hours, if he would have done a load of laundry and fixed dinner for me that I would have let him do whatever he wanted to do to me! Just saying.....look at things from her perspective!

I'm in the same boat as most of these guys; I do laundry every week, I do 85 - 90% of the grocery shopping, I help with keeping the house clean, my wife doesn't even want to discuss matter. We even have a weekly date, no strings attached. It would be great to even know her perspective, she claims that she loves me, and I still love her, but this is almost impossible to take. I've stayed faithful, but it's not easy.

Nice excuse. Men work long hours too. You ether like sex or you don't. Unloading the dishwasher is lame. I help with dishes, help with laundry, and take care of the outside stuff. We both help around the house. sex is not a tool to be used to get something in return. sex is the joining of two people sharing love and intimacy together. If you don't have this in a marriage you are just room mates.

Has anyone stopped to consider there are health issues involved?? This is how it started for my husband & I. I didn't know why, I just didn't have the drive or desire that I used to have. I was embarrassed to talk about it & instead of my husband being concerned or asking me if something was bothering me, he brought it up as an argument. Yeah, that made me feel better. When I did bring it up to my doctor, he ran some tests & discovered I had Hypothyroidism- which can affect A LOT of things, including the libido. <br />
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Please, gentlemen, don't just show distaste to your wives & make them feel guilty for this with out first trying to find the root cause. Because, trust me, there is always a reason, somewhere, even if she doesn't even know it yet. But don't rule out medical!

Thanks for the thought VV. Are you being treated for Hypothyroidism? Is it working?

@RealJoe - I empathize with you completely. I agree that it's the lack of affection not just lack of sex that is destroying our marriage. There are times I look across at my wife and I think 'what can she possibly want out of this marriage if she has no affection for me?' Am I just a 'provider' with no emotional importance to her? It sure seems that way, and if we hadn't had children a few years ago I'm firmly convinced we would be divorced today. If my kids were 16 I'm pretty sure like you I could just accept that in a few years I could leave without sacrificing quality time with my kids. Unfortunately, for me that means another 16 years! I ain't ready to do that and I don't think it would be good for my boys if I did. *sigh* Good luck whatever you decide to do and when in doubt just think... (730 days and counting).

Seems we have the foundation for the SHC Sexless Husbands Club. We were just friends in high school and started dating in college. But.. I was hooked from the first time I saw her in my 10th grade Sunday School class..... We waited until we were marriage to enjoy "maritial relations". I didn't marry her because I thought she would be a great mom... which she is... I married her because I was absolutely crazy in love with that cute little blonde. But now the growing resentment of no affection is simply overwhelming. Its very difficult to entertain the thought of leaving this person that I still have the same passion for as I did when I was 15 but it's simply crushing to continue to rejected. I'm in great shape, very attentive father, and would be husband. I've tried sending kids away for a weekend... or weekends away but she is just too tired. Funny that she can stay up to all ours of the night when her friend come over to play cards. Go figure. I am seriously considering leaving once our 16 yr old moves out. I can't imagine what it will be like with an empty house and the two strangers we have become sitting across the breakfast table. On our wedding day... If someone said 25 years from now that I would consider leaving I'd have told them impossible. But its a painful reality. It's very difficult to swallow the fact that this person for whom I have so much passion... has so much pride that she can be an emotionless stone .... probably won't bat an eye when its over.

Centerman - I'm with you and good luck! Make a plan of action well before you're ready to make the move. Take my advice file for divorce as soon as you're able and before she does. Do NOT give her any warning it is coming... the legal system in the USA is extremely gender biased and if you give her the chance to pull the trigger first you will be the worst for it. Good luck in whatever decision you decide to make!

I'm in my 30's and I feel cheated out of basic happiness every day. We've got no children for obvious reasons, and no money either. When I pay down my personal debts enough that I can afford my own apartment, I'm out of this living nightmare. I feel cheated out of basic happiness every day.

DC - Trust me brother that has crossed my mind more than once... particularly the few times I've had blatant offers. My fear is that while I'm in 'limbo' that would just add self-loathing and guilt to an already messy and painful situation. That is one of the reasons why I'm giving this counseling a shot and if I don't see any progress pretty quickly my marriage is over.

Jm2 and shoreboy. If you are both in such anguish. Perhaps the best thing would be to find a lady in the same situation as you( and there are plenty ) Seeing another lonely person for sexual comfort once every few weeks would make the few years you have to wait,until your kids grow up ,bearable.

How do you find a gal in the same situation as us?

Are you serious? Try to go to every datingsite known to man, and then your sure to find one. If, not, go to places as simple as the dog park, gas station, mall, speeding dating ect.

They are everywhere.

Ok but, here's the thing....you can't just go trolling for lonely women when you are married. If it were that simple who would need this "support"? I am in my own hell and wish I could seek comfort elsewhere but we are known in the community and I can't take the chance. My children are everything and quite young.

Maybe this is naive, but the main problem with infidelity is that it is dishonest and sneaking around. So if your wife is refusing to have sex with you, why not tell her you are a man with a sex drive and what does she think you should do about that? I think one solution you could propose is that you want to stay married, but you are going to find a woman to have sex with. What's wrong with suggesting it before you do it? She really can't expect you to suppress that side of yourself. I think, though, that most people wait until after they have the affair and then the spouse can be self-righteous. So, to me, it is a question of timing.

Im a gal in the same situation as u . I have been married 6 years and my husband never wants sex , i have tried everything from sexy under wear to **** watching with him but unless i make the effort it jus dont happen. I cannot remember the last time we had sex . I do love him but dont no what to do he says he loves me but that stress is making him not want sex. I aways belived sex was a stress buster , but not for him. I consider my self good looking with a good body 34 hh size 14 long brunet hair please can any one giv me any tips yes im living in hell to

I hear you. We have been married 7 years and my sex drive has always been higher than his but if he's stressed he won't have sex and we've gone months without it. I fear my marriage is headed that way and it scares the crap out of me. I never thought I'd end up with a man that doesn't want to have sex. I've had 2 affairs bc of it but it's risky and I don't want to hurt him. I've proposed an open marriage but he would still feel hurt I think.

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jm2 - I hear you loud and clear! My wife and I have had sex twice in the last 3 years and both times were basically 'stop pestering me' sex. At 14 your youngest is old one to probably see the unhappiness if not quite understand the reasons behind it. Have you considered making the break now and getting through the next few years with a 'split time' arrangement? I've done the research and while there is still a massive gender bias in the family courts and law it is far better than it used to be. Especially if in your case as you say "The rest of the relationship is pretty much crap as well." In my case, if my wife and I had physical intimacy and even occasional 'willing' if not exactly 'enthusiastic' sex on her end I would consider myself to be in a rock solid marriage. We're very good parents, keep an nice home, have good incomes, neither of us has a serious vice or substance abuse problem. All in all I very much respect and admire my wife and I think she reciprocates that... just without sex I'm 'starving' for physical attention which is creating enormous resentment that is growing almost daily. I know in the long term that will be bad for everyone involved including our children. <br />
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Good luck and if you are determined to make the 'finish line' and then leave anyway... why stay celibate now? Find someone to discreetly enjoy your sex life with in the meantime. Just my two cents.

Perhaps it's easier to make the break,when the rest of your relationship is bad too,as jm2fd says. In my case my wife is my best friend,and a great companion.<br />
On a lighter note...It does tickle me that if a husband seeks comfort elsewhere,society berates him for breaking his marriage vows. Nobody seems to remember the bit in the marriage ceremony where a wife vows..." with my body, I thee endow " the forsaking all others bit comes after. So in the cases listed herein,the wives have broken the contract first. Women always say that ,that doesnt count though???

It's been over two years for us. I don't know how much longer I can just hang in there. My youngest is 14-1/2 now 4 more years and I'm out for sure. I don't know If I'll make it that long though. The rest of the relationship is pretty much crap as well.

DC... Yep... that is why I swore an oath to myself not to be that guy! I love my children and I very much love my wife, but if my wife isn't going to be my lover she will no longer be my wife.

As KGB321 says you can get used to it. I am 58. I love my wife dearly,but we have had sex 4 times in the last 23 years. My kids ask why I am grumpy. I cant tell them that I hover on the border of depression. One of the main dangers in this situation is to start accepting this as the norm. Talk talk talk to your partner. Women are very good at getting on with their lives...the house ..the kids ...their careers. <br />
If you reduce this to its core. you are a mature ,healthy ,male mammal. To suppress everything which should come naturally to you will have an impact on your mental health. <br />
Having said all that .I still love my wife,but I cant help feeling that on my deathbed I will look back and feel very sad,not content.

Yeah... over three years now. This is pretty much hell.

GuardDog - I hate to break it to you... even when she makes more than you she better make a LOT more than you for you to be granted alimony. Also, odds are she would still get primary custody of the kids... and lo and behold... she gets the house because the kids need it... I still say go for the maximum the courts allow you to get... like you said... Karma is a *****.. and so is your wife apparently!

There is little justice for men in divorce court. I'm fortunate that in my state, because she makes more than I do, she'll end up paying me. That's why when I can file, I'm going to go for the max so she'll have something to remind her of how crappy she's been to me; a lighter paycheck.

ya, Uber lame. Mine says she needs time to figure out how to become intimate again. The "Right" way. She has been going to therapy. nothing is changing tho.. Im just getting easier for her to live with because I am getting "Used" to it. The only indication that I am getting used to it tho is that I stopped fighting and clawing at the problem and am just looking for other outlets. I already had an affair and that was just a couple lustful adeventures that did nothing to fix anything. I dont feel guilty about it.. She really cant expect me to be ok with this for such a long period of time. I have no control over her. Shes really in pretty bad shape in her own head and I doubt she will be able to develope intimacy skillz. =(