Fear Of Dying Preventing Me From Living

For the last 2 years I have been suffering from Bulimia. I was overweight, unhappy, lonely and just turning 20. I started with random bouts of anorexia. I would quickly lose ten pounds, turn ghostly white and enjoy it for the moment. I would always give up and turn back to food. After many pass fails at being truly bulimic, I began to purge. Its been a long time. I started at 180 lbs and am now 125. Not exactly an unhealthy weight, but a huge weight loss done by throwing up all that I eat. I had to startegically plan my day around food, and I realized that the night time hours were my weak spot. I began taking gravol to sleep. On and off at the beginning and then for the last 10 months, every day. I got up tp 17 pills per day. I have since quit.

About 2 months ago I got hearburn for the first time. This is where my fears began. I now am exceptionally aware of all that occurs in my body. I took myself to the hospital for ecg, chest x ray, bloodwork, physical. Nothing showed. I thought that this would set my mind at ease. So why doesnt it. I cant sleep, cant focus, cant live. I dont want to live like this anymore. I want to smile, laugh and enjoy everyday.

When I get home from work is when it is the worst. Just before bed as I start to lie down it begins. I feel my heart beating and think its going to stop, I feel chest pain and think cancer, I get a headache and I think brain tumor.

 

PLease PLease PLeas tell me Im not alone, please tell me that I am going to get through this.

 

Iwannaliveforever Iwannaliveforever
22-25, F
Mar 11, 2010