Struggling Between Sexual Worlds

I'm in the closet to a lot of people concerning my bisexuality, but people, I believe, do know, they are just waiting for me to say something. Anyway, when I'm around the straight people, they tend to bash those who are not straight. My female friend today, made a comment about bisexuals not being honest with their friends or girlfriends about their sexuality. And how disgusted she is that bisexuals play games. She says that it's their business they are what they are. But she talks about the non straights as though we are not human, as does my mother and other relatives and associates. Sometimes, my mother talks about non straights so bad to where I just want to yell out that her son is a bisexual just to shut her up or maybe look stupid! But I don't, because this is how they truly feel and I don't want to open up to these kind of people. They still would feel the same way, and I don't want them to be all of a sudden "understanding" just because someone that is close to them is struggling with this issue. If I was to come out, I believe, I would be relieved, but on the other hand, I think I'm lonely now, but I would be really lonely. The one or two people who do talk to me, I feel, wouldn't be there anymore. If and when I should come out, I want to do it because I have faced the fact, I am what I am, and if I have to go it alone, well, so be it. I'm feeling alone anyway. I wish I would have came out earlier in my life, that way I wouldn't have to had worried about all the people that would be disappointed that knows me, especially my kids who I have mentored or am mentoring. That is one of the reasons I stay to myself, because now that I'm older, I realized that it is just wrong to deceive the opposite sex in thinking that I'm straight. I've know other guys who's doing it, and having families, but still having sex with guys or fooling themselves that they are "cured". Maybe they are, who am I to say. I use to questioned God why He made me this way? But then I asked myself, would I rather be blind, in a wheel chair, homeless, deaf, have some kind of incurable desease? Would my life be normal with these ailments? So, I just say to God, " I don't understand, but I realize that my life could be worse than what it is, and I thank you for what I do have."

outmybox outmybox
41-45, M
1 Response Mar 14, 2009

I'm way ahead of you, my friend. I told my mother a couple of weeks ago because I got fed up about hiding who I am. And, yes, you are correct, she was worried about me broadcasting it. She knows a lot of my co-workers. I told her that I don't know if I will say something, it depends on who asks me. I must admit though, it didn't make me feel any better. But if I had to do it over again, I would still tell her. She also, said my father knows too, and that he doesn't have a problem with "them" just as long as they don't come near him. I should have told her to tell him that no one wants his old *** anyway, but I was good. She also said she knew my preference which kind of offended me because I do not prefer to be bi-sexual, but I didn't say anything as of yet. She also said that this doesn't effect our relationship, but it has. Our conversations are further a part now, but, oh well.<br />
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My friend thank you for your encouragement.<br />
Take care.