When I moved to Texas from a very liberal suburb of Washington D.C. I thought my life was over. I was coming into my sexuality. I was confused and hurt by what the people around me were saying. They said gay people were disgusting and that they would go to hell.
I met my first girfriend and we were together for three years. Every day I attended high school I tried to push the words and the thoughts to the back of my mind. I loved her but I was scared. I wasn't ready to face the truth about myself. We broke up and I went to a church. I was baptised by a conservative minister in the heart of the Bible Belt.
I thought that surely I would be cured or at least saved from my sins. Every day I heard about it. I was not happy. I sat in classes and cried. I stared at the walls at home. I had terrible relapses with self-injury and my mother was very angry with my listlessness.
I was happy when I was baptised, but I loved women. Eventually my fear grew into something else. Acceptance. I knew who I was, so did Jesus. I understood after such a harsh journey that God doesn't make anyone any different than they are supposed to be.
I realised that I could be a lesbian and Jesus would love me. Scholars and translators had misinterpreted cultural background and words in the bible. These were further diluted by pastor's who imposed their own ideas of what was right and wrong upon those words.
I realised that God loved me and I began to heal. I experienced a change in my life. Everything was improving. There have been bumps in the road but the hill is not so steep anymore. I am almost at the plateau.
I dated a few people between my first girlfriend and my fiance. It was a learning experience. I began to attend an MCC in the town where I am going to university. I have had a few run-ins with my first girlfriend. A year ago we started to date again. We are adults, we see eah other differently now and we both know that we are head over heels in love with each other.
My mind is always ringing with the saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours."
She proposed to me last month and I accepted.
In a way I ended up right back where I started but with a different mindset. I believe not that there is hope for the future. If I can change so can other people. Most importantly I have learned that I am not alone. My fiance and my church stand with me. My father and mother do as well. Her parents and sibling support us. Our friends are lovely. It took many years of pain to realise that God had a blessing ahead of me. I just needed to trust God and understand that sometimes experience is a teacher, experience is the change that God wants to see in the world.