Together And Still Alone

Today was our third anniversary. We have actually been together for almost five years now. We did the usual dinner and a movie date and ended with us going home to our three year old son and going to bed. Not what I was hoping for though. There was no excitement to be together or "tension" that makes a date thrilling. It felt more like an outing between friends. At one point I even tried to hold her hand and link arms as we left the restaurant but she jerked away from me like I was poison. I was aware from the start that she didn't like public displays of affection but I had hoped that after all this time at least holding hands was okay. It hurt inside. Being continually rejected is taking its toll. It reminded me of another "date" where we went to the movies and she walked three feet ahead of me like she didn't want us to be seen together. I see other lesbian couples who are so affectionate and I burn with jealousy.i want that. I need it! I know she loves me and our family as she works hard to be the main supporter (I only work part time so that I can watch over our son) and she even helped me into my own car that I love, so that I can be independent... She works about 54+ hours a week to make sure we are comfortable, and I try to support her as much as I can, but its been very lonely for a long time. It has become more of a "friends/roommates" feeling between us and it makes me sad. I feel like a live in nanny. I've tried many times throughout the last three years to complement her, show affection in many ways and just initially bring back the connection that we lost so long ago. But every time I've just been rejected and each time hurts more than the last. Talking about this between us has ended with excuses and blaming mixed with promises to change in the future. This has all left me very insecure about myself and I have lost most of my confidence in myself. I love her very much and our family means the world to me. But I feel like something important is missing in my relationship and I don't know how to get it back. I want it back so much! I don't want to look for it in someone else, I just want it with the woman I love the most. But in the end I'm so tired and lonely and I feel lost and alone even when we are together...
RiddledHeart RiddledHeart
26-30, F
Jan 6, 2013