I Can't Even Watch It!

I was surfing the guide looking for a movie to watch when I came across this movie called High Art, I read the discription & it sounded really good " romantic drama about a photo magazine editor and the heroin-addicted former photo prodigy with whom she falls in love is ripe in cliches and artifice, but features two of the year's best performances." seems harmless enough, right? A good romantic drama - I love those. Well, the movie is alright while I'm watching it then... guess who the 'heroin-addicted former photo prodigy is'? Yes, a girl. Great - a lesbian ramance. At that instant *flick* off goes the tv.

I can't even watch a lesbian romance movie without feeling sick to my stomach. It saddens & depresses me. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. I do, he means the whole world to me. But, there is that little part of me that honestly feels like it's dying. The part of me that thrives for a women's touch, scent & emotion. I don't have many girl friends, my best friend in the whole world is a guy. I can't connect with women unless it's on a passonite level. I'm awful at small talk, I can't just "be a girl friend" go out & have fun. I think too much about women on a passonite & emotional level. I think I feel as if I missed out, like I'm meant to be with women. Even writing this could make me curl up into a ball & cry. If someone could just wipe the whole term lesbian or bi out of my head. I'd be a lot happier. I'm not saying I don't think other's shouldn't be gay or bi or a lesbian.. it's just hard for me. I don't hide my sexuality. My boyfriend knows & so do my friends. It's just I wish so bad I wasn't, why can't I just love my boyfriend without any problems? Why do I have to be infactuated with women?

Ugh, this was more then a vent than a story, I'm sorry for whoever reads this.. I'm just feeling really down.
Aleighsha Aleighsha
18-21, F
7 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Lol! Thanks, I guess suffering together is better then suffering alone.

I understand. I also denied myself to feel, to be myself for so long. I also have trouble with lesbian situations. They make me feel like I want to cry. I want it so bad but then I just want to be normal. LOL normal! What a concept. Then just to make things worse. I got new neighbors, an incredibly happy adorable lesbian couple. AHHHHH! I wish I had suggestions for you so you could feel better. I am sorry that I don't. I hope it might help to know that I know exactly how you feel. We can suffer together LOL.

Thank-you so much for reading & commenting. If you don't mind I am going to send you a message.

wow I don't know were to begin with this one. Why do you feel like you so badly have to repress your feelings towards women? I can understand the confusion that comes with it as I repressed it for years I am still married I have been involved with a woman for about a year and half now I even live with her butI am moving out it's so complicated (another post entirely) but I guess what I don't understand is that you are beating yourself up so bad for having these feelings. Do you think its evil, wrong, you are going to lose everything and everyone. I know that it has to be something along those lines because that is how I felt for years and some days still do. Don't give up on yourself sweetie a friend of mine just told me "- it is a long tunnel which you can't see the light at the end yet but your not worth giving up on" even if you never act on your feelings accepting them and knowing that its ok to have them even embrace them as part of who you are you will feel better. I hope that you can get some help with your feelings theres lots of books out there and of course there are groups like this one. I would love to talk to you anytime!

Thank-you for the suggestion Wanderartist.<br />
<br />
Moonprincess: I couldn't either, my boyfriend knows I am "bisexual" & he is incredibly jealous. I stopped drinking because I get to flirty with girls & I enjoy having some drinks with girl friends but for him I stopped. I watch Yuri as well & I felt the same way after finishing Kannazuki no Miko & Uta Kata. It really makes you depressed.

The same thing happens with me when I watch yuri (lesbian anime). I cried during and at the end of Strawberry Panic and Kannazuki no Miko. Made me want to be with a girl even more. Wanderartist has a good suggestion, wish I could follow it but unfortunately my husband would never go for that, lol.

So why don't you discuss the matter with your boyfriend and get a girlfriend...someone who won't try to take you away from him, but someone you can express your desires with. You don't have to have a standard relationship you and your boyfriend can forge any sort of relationship the two or three of you are willing to handle. Just be sure to handle it like mature adults.