Coming To My Realization, That I Will Probably Always Be A Lesbian Married To A Man.

I claim to be a lesbian because I am. From the early age of 5, I was fascinated by women. My fascination grew into the love of women as the years went by. Raised in a strict christian home, where being gay was taboo, an abomination and just plain evil I kept my dirty little secret. I grew ashamed of who I was confused as to my place in the world with no one to voice my fears to. I lost my virginity to a man out of pure rebellion and had several different relationships with men there after. At 21 I became pregnant and 24 I divorced. I continued living a heterosexual life and married again at 25. I married a family friend . This man was and is my best friend. He raised my son and gave him all the love and dedication a biological father never gave him, he supported all my endeavors and crazy whims. I grew to love him over the years but that made my confusion and isolation even worse. I felt I was a betrayer I kept these secrets locked in side me for 4 years. After 4 years I decide to go back to school , we took dual residences in different states but officially stayed together. During that year I met my first love, a beautiful woman that after three weeks moved in with me, our first 9 months were blissful. She knew of my situation and tolerated my husbands quarterly visits. She accepted the situation because my husband and I did not have a physical relationship at that point. My girlfriend a semi-pro athlete at that point got her chance at a pro contract out of country. She wanted me and my son to go with her, I just couldn't bring myself to tear my son away from the only father he had known.  It was my error to have commit myself to a heterosexual relationship and family knowing inside who I was. I would not make my son or the father that loved him dearly pay for my mistakes. I also would not allow her to give up her dreams. So at that point she and I parted ways. 

Years went by I suffered from depression, waned back and forth between trying to be a heterosexual and being who I truly was. I was miserable feeling cheated out of a life I should have had, feeling that I was to live passionless. about 12 years my relationship to my husband became nothing more than roommates at that time I felt that I could try again and maybe balance my life out somehow as long as all parties knew the truth and I kept a buffer zone and mutual respect. When my son turned 14 I told him the truth, and I assured him that this would not break up the family.  My husband accepted the situation as long as the family dynamics maintained and that outwardly to everyone else we looked the normal marriage. I respected and understood that . 

After a few years I reconnected with my first love over the Internet and spent 3 weeks reacquainting ourselves and reawakening our lost love. One day she confesses that she had been in a relationship for 3 years and that her partner had found our emails and forbade her from ever speaking to me again. I was devastated. After a bottle of liqueur I threw myself at my husband and became pregnant with twins . My son was now 18 and I was pregnant with twins. My children were born at 6 months gestation and didn't make it. In my grief I tried to rekindle my relationship with my husband in hopes of getting pregnant and finally having a "normal" life.  It didn't work.  almost a year later I met a woman and carried a 3 year, relationship that was full of passion, anger, and  jealousy. It was a miserable relationship really but I felt it was my last chance for happiness and being me. This relationship along with finances, my son now in college and having his first girl friend and their issues drove me to a breakdown. I won't get into details or I will be here righting for ever but , to say the least my bipolar disorder as well as my drinking took a hold of my life and I almost destroyed it. 

Through all of this, tears, depression, alcohol , and women, my husband stood by me. At times he felt he wouldn't make it and in fact during this time he suffered a massive heart attack. He held on. I realized that over the years although I had always hated sex with men, and felt nothing at their touch that this man had invoked passion in me even if it was a love filled passion and not a sexual passion. I realized that this man had not only put up with but encouraged who I was. He encouraged me to be active with in the glbt community and encouraged me to be who I was. Not once did he ask me to be anything but who I was. He offered support , love forgiveness and loyalty. 

Now I am coming to a realization that this man is and  has been the closest thing to love that I have ever felt. All along it was him who loved me stood by me and accepted me for who I was. Now I find my love growing for him stronger and stronger every day. But the question never leaves the back of my mind. How long will this feeling last? I realize I am a true lesbian for I have never felt any emotion or attraction to any man, but I do love this man and making the rest of his life a happy and secure one would be my happiness. I do not hate sex with him, it will probably never invoke the passions a woman does but It is loving and comfortable and still very beautiful. I made my decision and although I got confused along the way and felt cheated from the life I thought I should have had I now realize that the life I wanted was in front of me all along. Don't get me wrong it isn't a perfect situation but it is one I think I will want to whole heartily live with the rest of my life. 
jerichoreborn jerichoreborn
36-40
5 Responses Aug 9, 2010

I think, their are times when we come to a point of realization, that love is not enough. I understand that I have been there. It is a very very scary thing when you have to decide to move on, fears, regret, insecurity all just grow like a storm inside you, but like all storms these times pass and you will be able to think clearly and you will choose the right path for you right now. I wish you the best. Remember the person that loves you must love all of you.

i love your story, it made me cry. my situation is different from yours. my husband is the opposite. he hates lesbians, and makes my life miserable. im lonely and depressed. im so happy for you. if any of the women in this group finds new meaning to stay in their marriages please try and do so...my case unfortunately will not go that direction. my husband lies and hates me because i love women. its getting worse. theres no reason to save us...so good luck and god bless you and your husband.

As far as staying in the marriage, I can say that I take every day bit by bit, I don't set myself up for failure any more. All I know is here and now, and all I know is that I have vowed to find our path of happiness and try to build a firm foundation.

Well to tell the truth, we are in the beginning stages of a new path in our lives. He has determined to learn what exactly it is that attracts me to women as he knows it's not just the sex. I am determined to learn to see him neither as man or woman but as a being. I am learning to ***** what is learned in my mind as to be gender. So we are approaching each other in a new light. I keep my mind open, I do love this man and love is never wrong and if a good foundation is built I think all else will follow. I see it this way. If I were in love with a woman and all of a sudden she ended up a paraplegic , would I stop loving her? would I stop being attracted to her? I think not love can grow beyond the physical if we really want it. As far as cheating him goes, you have to be honest with him put all the cards on the table let him know how you feel and that no matter how great your need to be you, your need to have him in your life and love him back is greater, then let him decide if this is a journey he wants to take with you. If he does then great, if he doesn't then you need to re-evaluate your direction. Now all of this would come into play if and only if you really want it to work between you two. Not out of guilt but out of love. <br />
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I hope this helps.

Your story is powerful and scary. It makes me fear that this will be the logical progression of my own marriage. Are you planning to stay in this marriage? Is your husband aware of the the lack of passion & intimacy? Does he demand more?<br />
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My husband wants more passion & intimacy? But I can't deliver. No matter how hard I try. I just go through the motions. Because he is such a good man, he would probably stick around. However, I feel so guilty because it feels like I am cheating him.