Married To A Man But Like Women....I am Very Confused...Need help!

I am rather new to all this so everyone will have to be patient with me. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my husband for 6 years, together for 9. We have 3 boys under the age of 6 together. he is the only guy I have ever been attracted to in my life. I have always been attracted to women although i have never acted on it because I grew up being told how horrible it was. My husband knows how I feel and fully supports me. I do not want to leave my husband at all. I love him very much and we have 3 children together. But I still always feel like i am missing something. Yes I am attracted to him still so its not like I can't stand the sight of him. I guess I am just confused on what I should do and how I feel. I am interested in getting involved in another woman maybe just to see how I feel about it because its something I have always wanted but I feel horrible for my husband. And I don't want to end up having feeligns for another person and losing him. He doesn't seem to mind at all that I like women. But it still bothers me. And I don't even know how to go about finding someone in the first place let alone who would be understanding to my situation. I am clueless. Now that I am reading what I wrote I sound really stupid. I just don't know what to do with this whole thing and am wondering if there is anyone out there that has been through the same thing. Any advice would be appreciated but please don't be cruel. Thank you
mnt2live3905 mnt2live3905
15 Responses Apr 19, 2011

i know that this is a very old post but you just typed my exact life. If by small chance you see this please message me with an update. I am here for advice on my situation as well

This is me too! minus marriage and we only have a 9 month old D: sooo bloody confused

Hi....I have been with a woman and I'm married....thing is she introduced me to it but left me alone because number 1 she wanted me all to herself.....number 2 she let her folks get in her head about messing with a married woman....I enjoyed her touch....her communication..... her knowing how to please me in every sexual way.....I love my husband.....but I would much rather be with her.....I miss her....and we try an be friends bit its kind of hard because she has a new girlfriend in which she is getting ready to marry.....I hate it so much.....but I'm trying not to be so selfish.....I love her too which really makes it hard....but me and my husband been married now for 23 years and we have so much history.....I love him too....but sexually I like being with her.....

I'm in the same situation. I feel that I love women but haven't acted on it since about 10 years. I'm always looking at women when I go out. Women have more compassion...I need that. Can someone help me?

I just read your story and responses. Im 50 married 26yrs and 3 daughters. I was molested by my brother my childhood. Never really had a boyfreind in hs, but was confused a bit about sexual feelings then. Then i met tom my husband when i was 19. Knew immediately i would marry him and have 3 girls. B4 we got married i started getting close to my gf we had an affair basically for along x. Then i had kids and we started drifting apart i told her shed find a man if she really wanted 1 and she did and is married with6yr old adopted kids. Anyways i had 2 other women relationships while ive been married. I love my husband more than anything! I told my husband the other night that i was gay and my children. Cuz i always felt my lack of sexual pleasure was from being abused by my brother. Then i confronted my brother and started thinking different that mayb i was really gay. Now after talking and thinking the last cple days im really confused! My problem is i realized im an attention seeker my husband works outside the home 16hrs a day obviously light dawns on marblehead and says youve been destructive the last 30 yrs cuz u havent been getting enough attention. So i tell my husband im gay but didnt tell him ive been with women. So he doesnt want a divorce or anything he loves me and hes not bothered at all he just wants me happy. We agreed to work on our attention and see what happens. Yeah i need help! Lol.

I am the male in the same situation with my wife feeling the same way as you. I know that its hard foreveryone involved. I have come to realize that its hard on her because she is 31 and now coming to terms with this. She lead a sheltered life until we met. So the normal experimentation the young ladies do she missed out on and never realized she even had them. Until she found the courage to tell me about it. I am supportive of her. And I believe her when she says she loves me and that she wants no other man. I have "let" (for lack of a better word) experience a woman. She is open and tells me about her experience not every detail but doesn't hide things that I ask about. I have even meet 2 of the woman she has experimented with. In this situation the trurh no matter how painful it seems at the time is better than any lie told or farce lived. As far as my feelings yes there are times when I feel saddened because someone else is making her smile when all I want to do is make her do that. As I guy I don't really see it as cheating on our marriage as long as it never moves beyond a platonic love with the benifits of sex with her female friend. I know what a woman has to offer another woman and I'm not threatened by that as I would be if she wanted another man. I feel that our society and laws that are currently in placed limit the natural nature of human sexuality. If you and her want to be married to a man and it gets to the progression that these relationships need another partner for either the man or woman how is it wrong. If polygamy was a more excepted marital norm divorce and infedelity would be.much lower.

I'm been looking for information that somehow comforts me. Reading this title attract my eyes.<br />
<br />
Really... my situation here is I am the lover... of this woman who is married. Precisely she said to me that she can not handle this no more, not having the time for me.. and it kills me.. This situation is been going on for a few years. We are like back and forth. I truly love her, and accept the fact that she is married. There are emotional situations that are hard for me to understand. She just avoided and ignored me, because she is thinking about her marriage, that it is unfair, that he is a good one, and is hard because of society guidelines. It is sad that she is living this hell in her mind, dealing with her feelings. I am pretty sure she loves her family, probably her husband too. I really don't know at all, but I think that maybe she was having feelings for me too. <br />
<br />
I feel like I am not understanding or not wanting to, that it is hard to let go. <br />
<br />
She is a terrific woman. I know that she has her family and I have mine too. But I opened to my kids to let them know how I feel about her, so she can feel comfortable anytime she visits. It seems that she did not like the fact at all, but I cannot change what I said. Anyways the point continues the same, I get deeply involved with her and I am suffering this situation. I don't know if she is too. Fighting with her emotions and feelings, and I can not imagine how hard this would be, and I respect that. <br />
<br />
The thing that concerns me is that I love her, and I know she was truly to me when told me about her marital status. Now she does not want to know anything about me, she wants to try with her husband and start going to church, looking for help to reprimand the desires. Meanwhile I have to step back and try to forget her, thing that is not really easy. I start having mixed feelings, of confusion, rejection, anger, sadness. <br />
<br />
I was more than willing to give her all of me, and now is all gone, like nothing. Lovers suffer too.

I'm sorry to read about your problem. I've only been with other women all my life. As I read it your husband is okay with it so I say go for it and explore your interest and see what it's like. You can love him and have a gf too. I have a friend who is in that exact situation. You will discover that only a woman really knows how to satisfy another woman and as my friend has told me the orgasmic ecstasy is way beyond what her husband can do; yet she still loves him,takes care of his needs and won't leave him. My second long term partner of about eighteen years was married and going through a divorce when we met. If you'd like to write me let me know. I'll be hapy to answer anything I can honestly and straight up. Let me know hon.

I understand exactly how you fell I am 23 and have been married 4yrs. I also have 3 amazing children and love my husband very much. He is the ONLY I have ever been attracted to or ever loved and I have NO intention of leaving him. But I identify as a lesbian I have had numerous relationships with women (no 3some's..yuck) and I feel complete when I am with a women. I am in the same situation trying to find someone who understands my situation and is willing to be with me anyways..Don't give up on yourself! You'll find the right person, believe it or not I know ALOT of woman in the exact situation as we are and have found perfect harmony in their lives with a faithful husband and a live in girlfriend!

Sunflower0817: Your comment you posted is EXACTLY how I feel. I think I am thinking too much into this maybe? I never want to lose my husband so i guess I pretty much answered my own question. I have never been to a therapist but I'm sure if they asked me about my father I would have nothing but bad things to say. I hate men and I dont trust them. I was raped in highschool by someone I trusted and thought was my friend. Maybe all my feelings come from all the bad "men" experiences I have had. I do not find them attractive at all except my husband. I am constantly looking at women and maybe thats because of my man issues. But I have decided through reading everyone's posts that I am not going to pursue finding a woman. I am not risking falling in love with another person it would not be fair to my husband and we cant always control our feelings the way we would like. My relationship with my husband is too important to me. I do not know my true sexual orientation and I am accepting the fact that i like women but i am married to the only person that I have ever been able to trust and love. I am attracted to him in every way but he is the one and only man that I have ever felt this way. It's not worth losing all that. Who needs a label anyways? Thank you so much everyone for your posts. You have no idea how much this has helped me. Love you all!

Me too....

Hi, I'm really sorry you feel the way you do, it's not going to be easy sorting yourself out. Probably ne of the hardest things you'll have to do.<br />
So here it is. <br />
If you want your husband and can't bear the thought of losing him, forget about any relationship with a woman. <br />
Fight it and save a hell of a lot of heartache - yours, your husbands and the woman you fall for.<br />
You shouldn't play around with people or their feelings, it's not decent or honest. If you play with fire it burns.

I might be on the same boat here. I'm currently going to a therapist due to my past relationships. Additionally, my father wasn't in my life. Furthermore, I brought out to my therapist (actually today) that I sometimes feel as if I hate men. This could all be emotional for me than anything else but I don't want to hurt my husband or my son at all unless I know for sure. I do find myself checking out women sometimes but at the same time I do find my husband attractive too. I do check out women more than I do men....that's for sure. Now, do I want to have an emotional relationship with a woman....I don't think so or don't know. I've never really been in one. Additionally, I've never been sexually involved with a woman. As I mentioned on my story, I get turned on when I'm having sex with my husband and at the same time I fantasize of him being with another woman or something like that. Anyway, as all I hope to make the correct decision. And, I too have no clue what to do anymore.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess my main issue is that I do not want to lose my husband. He means the world to me. And I dont want to try something out with a girl and then fall in love, that really scares me. And i could never put him through that it just isn't right. I guess I am just scared of everything in general and don't know what the right decision would be. I don't have the typical story where the wife isn't attracted to the husband anymore. I am still attracted to mine and I love him dearly. I never want to hurt him. But at the same time once in a while I will get these feelings when we are together in bed where I would like "the process" to be over with. I don't know if that is normal or not. And I am too jealous of a person to allow him to be with another woman so bringing that into our relationship for the 2 of us would be bad. (I know I am a hypocrite). And I do find myself getting easily attached to other women which is why I have no friends anymore. I know what my feelings are for women, and my husband is the only guy I have ever liked, loved, etc. But I want to know how I would feel yet I am scared of how I would feel because i do not want to lose my hubby or hurt him in any way. I feel like no matter what I do it wont be the right decision. I don't even know what to do anymore

Hi. I've been down this road too, like the woman above. I am almost twice your age. I married my husband when I was 23. Had 2 kids. Knew I liked having sex with women but I didn't realize that there was even such thing as a lesbian lifestyle until my late 20's. By my early 30's I was aching.......and I mean aching to have a full-on lesbian lover. Didn't want to hurt or lose my husband, as I was still attracted to him at the time. <br />
Long story short- I met a woman online back in 97. She moved from another state to live in our house as my friend only. (really we were madly in love.) I was not being fully honest with my husband, but he knew that I thought that I might be a lesbian for some time. He allowed me to have the relationship. For 12 years. We were in every sense of the word partners, with the exception of the periods (two of them) that she didn't live under our roof. ---Fast forward to 2009- She broke my heart. Dropped me in the bl<x>ink of an eye. I was devastated and suicidal. It's been almost 2 years and as recent as LAST NIGHT I was dreaming of her again. I pleaded with God all the way to work today to rid me of the wanting her, the bitterness and jealousy within my heart over her, to help me feel at peace without her. I still look at and am attracted to women. I love my husband and he loves me, but we are no longer "in love". I destroyed that by having this extended relationship in front of him, even though he was okay with it. It destroyed what we had. Now I wish one of two things would've happened. -<br />
1) He would have forced me to make a choice, and left me if I hesitated.<br />
2) I could've realized in my youth that I am a lesbian and had the guts to go with it. But I grew up thinking my family was disgusted at the thought of gay people. Actually they weren't. But I didn't know that until I was an adult. <br />
I strongly believe I would've led a lesbian life. However, do know that sexuality is fluid in your lifetime and people do go back and forth on the curve. A lot of people are somewhere in the middle. You'd be surprised. <br />
Listen, here's my advice.............<br />
MAKE THE CHOICE NOW. IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH A WOMAN INSTEAD OF A MAN, THEN DO IT RIGHT AWAY. ******* around with a woman when you have these feelings will lead you to falling in love. And it is a much sweeter type of love than hetero love, in my opinion. And I have loved two men in my life. And two women. Even if your husband is okay with it now, how will he take it when you fall in love. He won't be so cool with it then. He's only cool with it now, because he considers your desires to be bi-sexual and not lesbian. If you love your husband and don't want to lose him, stay away from other women. Maybe the two of you could "hook up" with a woman every once in a while in a *********? If you do this, don't see the same woman twice. You could become emotionally attached easily if indeed you are unsure of your sexuality and the fact is that you are more of a lesbian than you think. <br />
Either way, I wish you the best of luck. And don't be hard on yourself either way. Native Americans were of the thought that BI-Sexual people were on a higher plane and closer to the Gods because they had it within them to love any person, regardless of gender. So bisexuals were more respected in there culture. True fact. You can look it up. <br />
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.<br />

Do you regret having chosen her over the safety of your marriage?She broke ur heart do u ever wish u hadn't gone for it?or ws it the best thing for you inspite of everything?

Hi there<br />
I am not married but rest assured I am going through the same thing and am your age. I am not at all attracted to men but for the second time running got myself involved with a man (after my girl and I split). I love him and he is everything to me BUT there is no sexual attraction there and never has been for men. I've been with him for two and half years. The first guy I was with lasted 5 years and I just ended up hurting him with a girl who i ended up dating. Just like you--I don't want to hurt my current partner at all and people in life have told me how horrible is is to be lesbian. <br />
However I did get a shock the other week when I came out 'again' to 3 family members I had never spoken to about it before and they said they had always know and would always support me. <br />
In my mind I had assumed everyone was against me for it when in reality the opposite was true. My current partner knows I like women and accepts it BUT it is causing major problems because it is what I have always really wanted. Me and my partner WERE engaged--which is not happening anymore because of said issue.All I will say is the choice is totally up to you. Just remember you only live once whichever way you choose. Live well.