Why Is She Pulling Back?

I don't even know where to start, or if I'm a lesbian, or bi, or ... I've been married for 15 years and we have 3 children. I love my husband, he's a great guy, hardworking, wonderful father. We have sex all the time. Everything should be perfect? I started realizing I was attracted to women 10 years ago. He not only didn't mind, but encouraged it. I guess that's not surprising, and I was glad for his support. He gave me the green light for an experience with a woman if I wanted it. 7 years ago I met her. She was our ob, and delivered our children. Yes, I know that sounds weird. But she retired, and we started hanging out as friends. We are compatible in almost every way, literally. In the past year, 3 or 4 times at a party things have gotten a bit out of hand. Never all the way, but ... Now, all of a sudden she's pulled away. I find myself devastated. Her friendship means more to me than anything else that might have happened, and I feel as though somehow, through whatever happened between us, that's been ruined. I do not know what to do. My husband has started getting frustrated because he thinks I think about her too much. He didn't mind until this happened, and I started getting "broody." I was fine until she suddenly pulled back with no explanation. She and I have never talked about what happened those times, so it's not like I can bring it up. We always just went on like nothing happened. There is no reason for her to have pulled back, our friendship was fine, we've never had a disagreement. I can't go on like this. I don't know why I feel this way, and I'm sick to my stomach now. What is wrong with me? And, at 40, I feel silly even posting this whole thing ... I should know better I think.
toowornout toowornout
7 Responses Aug 4, 2011

Hi there! <br />
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Can't believe that I'm going through pretty much the same situation ... married with children as well as she. My best best friend in the world. Well, she was ... but what ever happens in the future I hope we all always feel special about eachother. What happened? For 1 year we were unseparatable ... being in touch several times a day ... texts, phone calls, emails ... we even started to hang out with our childrenchildren. Like a special family .... (I have a great husband but couldn't helped feeling this way) ... Yes, I fell completely inlove with her. She pointed out many times she loves me A LOT but not in a romantic way ... actually I've always felt she was a bit homofobic and ofcourse I didn't tell her about my true feelings. I was too afraid to lose our absolutely special friendship, full of tendernes ... Until one day she pulled away, first not explaining anything (I was really dieing inside then) but after a month she said she felt our friendship was not normal .... because we're close too much and she can't be for me all the time, because she has her own life and family ... and because we're both woman. I think the last "reason" said it all ..... I was devastated ... we kept contact, mostly because of me, I didn't want to cancel her, I loved her still .... After holidays and so we're getting closer again ... We still write emails eachother and I told her many things ... not exactly that I love LOVE her but just how much I care ... and that I understand and that I'm here for her ALWAYS ... I think she realised I don't want anything from her except to be together if she feels like hanging out or to take trips with children ... Rigt now actually we spent time together only with our children because we have fun and somehow I made my heart to accept the situation and cherish every moment we're together. We're not close in sharing details of our life anymore, actually I still tell her a lot and I always tell her that I miss her and care for her ... I don't want to pretend I'm oh so cool about her, but I never ask her anything ... if she'll feel to share anything, she will .... if not, that's the way life turned out to be .... Actually I'm getting much more calmer that I used to be in past year always waiting for her mesidges or calls ... actually I was going crazy and probably she was too so she decided to stop. I think the time will come when we'll talk about the situation and clear many things up, now we're just not ready. But I'm happy we didn't lose friendship.<br />
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So don't hesitate to contact her!!! Tell her you care and you miss her. She definately miss you too. And ask her what is wrong, if there's anything you did wrong, anything that hurt her ... don't let the thing go without a talk, it's too precious. But what ever she says, respect her wishes. <br />
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Best of luck! And tell us what happened ....<br />
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Love to all.

call her and just say "Hey, I was thinking about you.....how are u?" stop with the heartbreak, life is too short. I am a nurse and I see it everyday. People wasting time,,,Find out what is going on. u really have nothing to lose. If she rejects you ..ur going to feel the same as you do now heartbroken. If it is something you can fix the do something about it. Dont loose ur friend in the end you will be happy you said something. And get some sleep, rest when ur heart is weary. Give her a call today.

We're both married, and both our husbands didn't mind when we made out ... she tells me she loves me, but always has, even before, so ... this is so bewildering. And heartbreaking!

oh yeah she may have pulled back because she has found someone to date or go all the way with. she may love u and ur unavailabe?

I agree with hannible. u feel in love. however I have a twist for you. u feel in love I think with the possibilty of something new and it felt good when u two were together in "whatever way it was". U love your friend and u miss the intimate moments and u miss her. at 40 (I am 43) don't be afraid to tell anyone u miss them. I really do understand how you feel. I am a lesbian who had an affair with a man and I miss him terribly. It ended 8 months ago and I still can not stop thinking about him. LIfe is funny like that....take a deep breath and tell her you miss her. It does it mean anything will change but say how you feel. Good luck.

I agree with hannible.i mean there was something between the 2 of you,and it cant just fade away just like that?

It's gotten to the point where every time my cell goes off, I hope it's her. We have the same circle of friends, and I no longer want to hang out where she's going to be because it hurts. Now, she's acting fine as far as friendship goes, just more superficial. Still friendly, fun, nice. But something is missing. I don't care if we never get close like THAT, like she did at those parties. (She made the first move some of the times!) But part of our friendship had a closeness that is gone now too. And it really really hurts.