Someone To Talk To..or Losing My Mind.

I was doing okay for awhile. I could identify as Bisexual. Get married have the baby I always wanted and have fun with girls on the side. (With my spouses approval) slap labels on myself like Poly and Kinky and never have to get to the core of who I was. Then like every tragic story...I met this girl.

I knew she was trouble from the second I laid eyes on her. We flirted shamelessly and she went home to her girlfriend and I to my husband and we formed a short of shaky friendship where I listened to her problems and never talked to much about myself. She would disappear every once in awhile, she has this super jealous girlfriend who won't let her talk to anyone or hang out with anyone who could be labeled a threat. Apparently we gave ourselves away because I got that label quickly. When she and her girlfriend broke up. I held her hand, told her it would all be okay, that it was okay to move on, be happy. We got closer as friends, the girlfriend resurfaced, she went back to her. The second time this happened we made a mistake...maybe just I did. She got off work and called me and asked me to go for a ride with her. She wanted to talk. We talked, for hours, we laughed, we listened to music. We went out to eat, she sent me a text telling me how badly she wanted to kiss me. I sent her one back asking her not to kiss me until she was sure she wouldn't't break my heart. She kissed me three days later. During this same time I started going out to a night club with a lesbian couple I was close too. I'd sit there week after week, watching these girls hold hands, kiss in public, dance together. I wrote it off to being jealous of the sex they were obviously all having. I hadn't't much experience with women but what little I had. I knew it was great. I wanted more. It took me falling into bed and then into love with this woman to realize what I was really jealous of was the lives they were leading, the freedom to be themselves. Once I realized that. A second later. I went. "Oh hell. I'm gay." 

I took me ten days to tell her I was gay. Eleven to tell my husband. I told him I was gay. I also told him that didn't't have to change anything because I loved him and I wanted to be with him. That I loved the family and the life that we made. I said it, because it's all true. 

She went back to her girlfriend 30 days from the first kiss. I swore that was it. I would get my act together, get back on track, focus on my priorities. I couldn't be gay because I love my husband. Bisexual at best and some day I would meet some girl who understood my situation and was okay with it. I tried. I did. I kept going back to the club and with every trip this black place inside me started to build. This dark place that was the home of resentment and frustration. So I quit going, because of course the problem was the club..not me right? Not my feelings? 
 
A month ago her girlfriend broke up with her again. The first person she contacted. Me? Of course. I'm an easy target. I love a good hopeless case. I can save the world. I'm wonder woman. Right? I swore I wouldn't sleep with her, when that didn't work I swore I wouldn't fall in love with her. I knew what she knew and wouldn't say. We have this crazy intense attraction to each other. No matter that her girlfriend is abusive and a liar. She can do something I can't. She can be the only one in her life. I have a husband and a baby. I can't give them up. I love them. So when the girlfriend showed up again...I was yesterday's news.

The problem I guess is that when I can be with her I'm better. I don't feel like I missed out by not acknowledging I was gay before I got married and had a baby. I can have that kind of physical connection that doesn't just affect me physically but affects my soul. I long for her..or maybe just for that connection with a woman. Is she just the band aid for a bigger wound?

So here I sit. Alone, Scared. Trying desperately not to text her. I can't, she's with her girlfriend and even though I know it's a bad situation. I can't save her from that and I don't want to make it worse. I have no one I can talk to. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I eat up the stories on this website because I can see myself in all of them...until I get to the part where people start making the choice to separate and move on. That's not me. I want  it to be maybe, but at the same time I don't.

Where do you find a friend who understands this? If I don't find someone to talk to..who gets it. I'm going to lose my mind.
Thatgirlsid Thatgirlsid
26-30, F
3 Responses May 5, 2012

Hi i know exactly how you feel im married and have five yoing children i love my husband and my family life but a few years ago i had a relationship with another woman my husband knows about it and teases me that im gay. i cant admit to my self i may be gay but saying im bi is easy. its hard because i want to feel that connection with another woman again but have nobody to talk to. i feel people will judge me coz i live a straight life but crave a gay relationship. i couldnt leave my husband as i do love him he is my life partner and i never want to hurt him but keep thinking u only live once. its so confusing xx

I am shocked, and somehow relieved, to know that there are so many of us out there. :( Don't be afraid to do the work and be totally honest with yourself. And today is not the day that you have to make any decisions. You can settle in to the "not knowing" and just be you. Allow your life to unfold as it was intended to. (Easier said than done, i realize....)

This is so beautifully written, and I can feel your frustration. I am actually gaining weight because I'm stuffing my emotions away when I try so hard not to call her, text her, go see her. All this, and she's never come out and told ME how she feels about me. So I can relate, but not fully...yet.... <br />
<br />
SO complicated. Do you ever wonder how in the world you've come to this place? Ugh!<br />
<br />
I'm with you both. :( Knowing a love that is this deep is painful when you can't fully have it. I would love to talk too. We should all message.

I'm married and started a friendship with an openly gay women. We slowly became lovers and then Bam..I fell in love with her. Long story short my husband found out I left came back..I couldn't stop talking to her or seeing her, got busted again so I left again. This time I was away for 3 wks but still I came back..I have two kids there 22 and 19, young adults.<br />
I understand what your going though..everyone in my family know everything and think I can get past all this. I know I can't, I'm gay or at least Bi for know.<br />
I love my husband and my life but I fell in love with her..I miss her every min of every day. <br />
I did the same things your doing reading all these stories to find something anything that could help. We can talk if you like..

I would really like. I really do need someone who understands to talk to. Im afraid I'll just keep repeating the same mistakes.