I Am So Glad To Know I'm Not Alone...

It took me some courage to join this site and share my story. I'm married to a man I love very much and have been with for 10 years. We have a 3-month old baby.

I got involved with a woman a few years ago. My guy knew i was bisexual and was ok with me getting with her as long as there was no emotional attachment. Well THAT backfired horribly! heh. I was never gonna leave him, that was made clear. But she and I fell in love with one another and the sucky thing was that it turned out to be a very dysfunctional relationship. I did things and behaved in ways that I would never do in my right, rational mind. Any relationship takes two - with me and her, it was wonderful, and then it was horrible. I ended it because my marriage was in jeopardy, and I felt as if I was going insane. I couldn't avoid someone getting hurt, and it ended up being her.

Well, after time has passed, the effects of that situation are going away, but it's left a scar. It's bothered me a LOT, i'm still hurt, ashamed, angry, sad, and missing the girl. But this was the right thing to do, and i learned that i have a lot of issues of self-sabotage, low self-worth, and fear, and I've had them most of my life.

And that I'm gay. I'm not the same after that experience, and in the big scheme of things, i don't think it's necessarily that i want to be with that girl specifically.... it's that something about me was unlocked that i had kept hidden away, and now i cannot deny it.

I really love my husband and i'm sure many women feel this way about their guys, but he truly is the best guy I've ever met, is charming, gets along with everyone, and he's mine. It pains me to say i never really enjoyed bedroom time with him the way i have with women. I don't know what the right thing to do is, i suppose there's no right thing - except that i cannot fathom tearing up our family and hurting him horribly. My marriage almost ended before, but i knew that if anything were to ever happen to break up me and my husband it couldn't be because of someone else. I had to address my issues with him, without anyone else interfering. Well, now it's clear to me the way that I am, and it's a huge part of myself to hide, but i'm choosing to. It's painful. It's not a black/white decision, it's not that simple. And I'm so glad I'm not alone because I know there are some people out there who don't understand these choices.
landmonster landmonster
31-35
6 Responses May 7, 2012

I'm so afraid that I'm going to snap by the time I'm thirty. Although they claim the world is going to end on my birthday this year so maybe I won't have to worry about it

oh aren't emotional issues fun? they sure make the mix interesting. and by interesting i mean horrible. lol. i had a really bad experience with someone i was in love with but who was very unstable - i am not a psychologist in any form but i suspected borderline personality disorder.<br />
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i realized that with me, at least, no way would just a fling or "casual" thing work. if i liked the girl, i'd fall for her. that's just the way it is. sigh.

My situation is almost a mirror to yours.<br />
I fell in love with a girl while being in a 6 year old relationship with my man. For the last 9 months i have been driving myself insane jumping from one to another, hating her one day, trying to get back with him, then i would miss her so much and see her again and end up breaking all promises staying with her telling her i love her and i do!... I tried breaking up with bf, but it just doesnt feel right, we have amazing connection with him. <br />
I feel like i will have to let her go and oh god i wish i didnt have to!! She wants me to be her girlfriend and i like that.... but i cant part ways with him, he is my family.<br />
6 years brought us closer.<br />
Every time i see lesbians walking by it hurts so much but my feelings for him are too strong. <br />
And yes i will miss sex with her so much. That was the most amazing sex i had in my life. And i still have feelings for her. <br />
I almost feel like a perfect situation will be for my boyfriend to get a boyfriend so i can have a girlfriend... somewhere in another life lol.... or he can turn into a chick;)

i understand about the intensity and happiness of that relationship with your girl. and your feelings for your boyfriend. it's hard to just leave, especially when you have a deep connection and they have become your family.

can you imagine how many people lived like this, being married but being gay, when there was no one to talk to? how alone they must have felt? i feel lucky that I know others are out there. small favors, i guess....

yea and everything seems well and stable and normal up until occasionally i see a lesbian couple and everything turns upside down in the matter of seconds: i panic, i feel like crying. Its like living with a secret, so friggin annoying.
But i guess we do love our boys a lot.
Mine tried to leave me when i asked him to but couldnt, came back and said that if its really that necessary i can have short flings with women. But it aint gonna work. It gets nasty when jealousy is involved.
And silly part is my ex-gf is so attached to me now that after breaking up with me due to me still stayin with bf now she is playing sick so i take care of her... me in short shorts in bed taking care of extremely hot lesbian chick lol.. and by taking care i mean tylenol (without occasional hand slips)!.. i feel like she needs a big sister in her life, she has mental issues and ill try to be that but i dont know how the hell it is supposed to work out now lol.. She was good with me, way more stable, no crazy mental freak out moments, i really dont want her to end up in ****** life conditions with her bouquet of emotinal issues.

It is a hard decision. Sometimes I'm so okay with it being the one I made and other days I want to run and scream it from the roof top. As long as the good ones happen once in awhile im ok. On my worst days it's the feeling unhappy when I have no reason to not be. I have a good life. Can't I just be grateful? Thank you for sharing your story!

He doesn't know. Sometimes I think he may suspect but.... well, only one way to find out. But I'm a wimp and I haven't talked to him about it. We haven't been intimate in a while because of the baby. it's not that I don't want to, but I am not rushing to make it happen either.<br />
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I also saw on another of your comments, onmywayhome, about "heteroprivileges" that you mentioned... i think we do take those for granted. <br />
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I have always thought way too much about things and it's prevented me from taking action, and i've usually always gone with the "safe" option. I know that I've made the choices that have brought me to where I am now. But I wasn't prepared for feeling so unhappy about it! I truly have nothing to be unhappy about! I have an awesome partner, beautiful baby, great house in the neighborhood I love, wonderful family and friends... but I always miss being part of a group of women. I miss being with women.

Wow...what a great story. Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't believe how many of "us" there are. <br />
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"And that I'm gay. I'm not the same after that experience, and in the big scheme of things, i don't think it's necessarily that i want to be with that girl specifically.... it's that something about me was unlocked that i had kept hidden away, and now i cannot deny it." <----This is a big point for me. You've hit the nail on the head. I am in love with one woman. She is my very first deep, true, real love. Probably, I can't have her. But, what this has done for me is unlocked something I'd been resisting - that there is a deep and beautiful love that I need to experience fully in this lifetime. I now believe in soul mates.<br />
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Does your husband know where you stand now?