Didn't Know Til I Was 44

I am married to a wonderful man and we have 5 kids. I never had any idea of any of lesbian feelings. Then 4 years ago I fell in love with a woman much younger than me. We had become very close and when we finally had our first kiss, it was like some new form of energy was surging through me that could have lit up Manhattan for 100 years. I'd never felt the feelings that I felt with her.

We had an emotionally roller coaster affair dealing with living two lives, hiding and jealousy. When it ended and I had to make my decision, I chose my family. She never believed this was right, but I felt it was right for my family.

My husband has since agreed to an open marriage but I'm not convinced that that would ever be possible. Plus, no one will ever be her.
Everyday it gets a little bit easier but I have lost all sense of home. I don;t feel like there is anywhere I belong anymore. It's like the Chicago ikea; you can see it from the expressway but you have no idea what roads to take to get there.
broadwayplease broadwayplease
46-50, F
6 Responses May 11, 2012

I don't think it was the right decision. I am leaving in fear that this married woman I am with will do something similar to me. What goes around comes around. If your feelings were so strong you should have continued and be happy instead of resolving to cowardness. Sorry but this is what I feel.

U should have sex with her on the side! And let ur husband watch!make videos for him he will love it!

thats stupid! i think you never felt this

Wow heartbreaking story... I can see why you chose your family. I'm in kind of a similar situation .... Hope u find the right girl for you


I love your description of ikea! So true...

Your last sentence is funny! Haha! <br />
<br />
You know what? Many people would not think you made the right decision. When I broke off the relationship I had, I was told by a close friend/sister of the woman that I'd taken advantage of her, that that was a cardinal sin in the gay community, and that "they" all were disgusted by my choice of behavior. As if it didn't take two to get to that point.<br />
<br />
You did what was right for your family. It may not be easy, but it's right, and it sucks that anyone has to get hurt. It does get easier to live with a decision that was right.

Yes, I've been thinking if I do have another relationship, I should be with another woman in my situation or she won't be able to understand.
Yep, my chances are about the same for winning the lottery.BLAH

:( I'm so sorry that you're missing her. I'm in a similar situation, but have not yet acted on my feelings, or figured out of my friend loves me back. But I am choosing to gently & gradually get out of my marriage. To me, I AM choosing my family. It'll look different because we'll be living under two different roofs, but I'm choosing my family because I'm choosing to let them see who their real, authentic mom is. The (hopefully) happy one.