So Utterly Bewildered

I am a 38 year old mother of 4. I have been married to a kind man for 13 years who gave me the most precious gifts of my life. I have always known I was gay, but chose to live life in a socially acceptable "norm" so that I may have a family that I didn't have growing up. I love my husband for the person he is and the father he is. I am disgusted and feel utterly sick when I have had sex with him and other men before him. Two years ago, after a decade of fighting for my life mentally, I decided to leave my husband and take a journey to find myself. I became healthy, happy, and in a really great place learning to love myself and getting to know me again. A year into this process I fell for a beautiful woman who really just made me smile. I acted upon my feelings and we stayed together for a year. Not without my own personal feelings getting in the way and ultimately ending back with my husband. I finally found out what "passion" and "making love" meant and that it was real with her. Desire, mutual respect, friendship and true companionship is what I found. Yet I couldn't ever get past the feeling of betraying my children by leaving their father just so I could be happy. I know what it's like to come from a broken family, and I just want my children to grow up without being ridiculed, or chastised, bullied, teased, etc., I loved them enough to make sure they would have a family they deserve. Their Mother and their Father. I am just really having a difficult time living like this everyday. I should be thankful that my husband is kind, understanding, and loves me regardless. I just wish he were a woman.
sweetymommy sweetymommy
36-40
1 Response May 11, 2012

Are you sure I didn't write this? I have the same life - except with without the a woman's love being returned to me. I am in the midst of my own major personal growth/enlightenment. And for me, what I am realizing is that my children need a fulfilled, present mom. Not a shell of myself who is living a lie. Even my husband is coming to terms with this. :( It is gut wrenching, but my kids are too perceptive for me to now live as ME. Finally. <br />
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You said, "I know what it's like to come from a broken family, and I just want my children to grow up without being ridiculed, or chastised, bullied, teased, etc.," I can understand your perspective, and am sorry for what you've been through, and yet I wonder if you've considered the possibility that this may not actually be the case. Maybe, just maybe, you and your husband, who love each other as much as you can, could consider the possibility of another possibility. Maybe you could live separate, peaceful lives, and maybe, although a transition would be hard, maybe your children would not be bullied, chastised & teased. <br />
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I would love to talk some more about this with you. We are at nearly identical points in our journeys right now, except I have 1 less kid , but a dog instead....