Past The Point Of Frustration Now.

I've always like girls//woman.  Way too many not just "friends" crushes in school, since I was 8 yrs. old.  I pushed it down for years. Married twice.  Never got that right.  Had children and the whole shebang.   I have had 2 girlfriends to date.  One serious, one not so serious.  I still havent found the one I need, the one in my dreams, but there are days, when I realize that this may not be the best thing for me to find.  It would rock my world and destroy my world all in the very same instant.  I live a lie daily.  I even dislike greatly the idea that anyone would even consider me straight because I'm married.  I'm that far gone.  I live a complete lesbian life inside and I'm out to many people that know me, but I can't make the final jump to leave my marriage.  Simply because I made a committment and  my child would be the one to have to pay for mommy and daddy not being there as full time parents anymore.  Thats something I can't do.
So I sacrifice, and I bleed daily on this one.
Its getting harder every day to tow this line.
But I do.
And I'll continue to.
It just helps finding support groups such as this.

Thanks for reading.
ASong4Kassidy ASong4Kassidy
46-50, F
3 Responses May 14, 2012

Do tell. What do you see in my future. Just kidding. So nice to smile a.and be excited for someone even if I'll never meet them.:) ugh.phone emailing.

I'm married and do not have children but even I still feel trapped. Sometimes it's easier to keep your head down and plough along with your life and career and appear to be "normal" to the outside world. However, in the early hours of the morning when I lie awake thinking and wondering, I find myself alone with me inner thoughts and desires that consume me. It's a very lonely place to be. These thoughts have consumed me for almost 28 years now. I feel so alone and miserable.

Riveria, It can be quite a lonely place to be. I've spent way too much time in that place, unfortunately. Alot of us have.

I also have a career whereby I cannot be any way "controversial" as I live and work in "Catholic Ireland"!

xo :(

:( xo. i wish we could share this with young women who are about to get married. and i wish we could rewind the clock, although i wouldn't change having had my children for anything.