My Fifty Shades Of A F*$#ed Up Life

i have no one to talk to. No one I can explain my messed up life to. It is eating me from the inside out. I feel like everyday destroys me a little more. So since this is anonymous I will spill and maybe someone will understand something I can not.
When I was little I had a best friend. Her dad molested her. He molested me too. When we were at school one day she forced me into a closet and molested me as well. As I grew up I had another best friend. I always thougt everyone felt the way I did about their close friends. Now I realize she was my first sexual interest and eventually my first love. my family is very religous. I would have never told them I thought I liked girls. I met a boy when I was 12 he was 15. he was my boyfriend for 3 years. He abused me, physically and verbally. Although never sexually. I was a model. I did drugs, I was anorexic and bulimic. I hated that I woke up everyday. When I was 16 I moved out of my parents house. I moved to NYC to model. I had my first "lesbian" experience. Many of us did. There were 6 of us living in 1 apt. I don't remember much because of all the drugs. I remember I was so excited and it was fantastic. I moved out of there a year later. I was roofied and raped when I was 17. I started having nightmares about the parts I could remember. I met a new abusive boyfriend. that ended after 6 months. I spent almost 4 years getting wasted everyday. I couldn't handle life. I was anorexic and bulimic again. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant. And single. I stopped smoking, drinking and doing drugs all in that very moment. I felt like I owed my child better. I stayed completely away from it. Her dad and my relationship did not work out. But when I was 23 met a guy and ended up with a rather quick engagement and became married. He changed within the first few weeks of our mArriage. He resented me and my daughter. I thought he needed time. he wasnt abusive so I gave it to him. my birth control failed 3 months after we got married. I also went back to school. He resented me for both of those things too . Currently there are a lot of things he resents me for and has now going back over the last 8 years. I became depressed and unhappy too just like him because I could t seem to make him happy. We hav twins now too. our marriage feels like a failure to me. I don't know if I care enough to try anymore. In October last year, I started hanging out with a girl from work. There were actually 4 of us that hung out. This one girl is openly gay. She and started innocently flirting. I told my husband I thought she actually liked me. I told him I was curious and wanted to sleep with a girl. He asked if I was a lesbian. I said no. He told me he didn't want me to sleep with a girl said i would be cheating and asked if it was the friend from work. I plied and said no that could make things awkward. I wouldn't do that. But Iied. I was attracted to this girl before I even knew she was a lesbian. I have been attracted to many women over the years but this is the first time the girl I was attracted to was a lesbian. she and flirted for months. Then we went out a few "friends". One night she kissed me. I told her despite how badly I wanted her too that I was married and had 4 kids... She was surprised but understanding. We kept going out. We started making out like teenagers. Eventually the dam gave and one very drunken night we slept together. It was aaaaammmmmazing. It felt right. It was beautiful. I have enjoyed sex like that, ever. The next morning I felt guilty. But my guilt was won over by desire. Over the course of the last 6 months we have kept sleeping together. It has been fantastic. but we also formed a relationship. We both fell in love. We both feel like we "complete" eachother. I have struggled with my sexual identity. Still don't know where I am at. but back in December I saw the girl with the dragon tatoo movie. It has a vivid rape scene in it. My nightmares came back. I quit sleeping with my husband. I can't stand for him to touch me. I get nervous if a guy hits on me. my husband and slept together twice in this last 6 mmonths. It was awful. I used to like bdsm sex with him. All I could do was pretend in
My head that I wasn't there. Though I thought may e if I *********** during I could tolerate it better. I got off bc of it , but it was a ****** without feeling . Mechanics but no fireworks. I went on a trip - a girls trip 2 weeks ago. Including my girlfriend and one other. I slept with her and woke up to her every morning for a week. It was absolute bliss. Now we r back home. I told my husband that I am thinking of leaving bc I am tired of being resented. I am tired of the way he is always depressed and angry. He doesn't like to help me. I work more than he does but he still thinks I should be a 1950 wife on top of it.. So now for the first time in 8 years he is trying to b what I used to want.
I want to be happy. It I feel if I do leave I will destroy my family, my kids. How do I explain mommy likes girls. My mother wants me to stay. She says I have it great in comparison to many women. She doesn't know about the girl. I think in her poor health it might actually kill her. I am afraid that I am slipping into depression. Trying to figure this all out. And no one to bounce off of. I feel very alone. I just don't even want to wake up in the morning. thank you all for letting me write. I know there are holes to my story but my thumbs are tired.
fsofu fsofu
2 Responses May 22, 2012

Pardon me for briefly living vicariously through you, it's just that literally hundreds of times a day I second guess my decision not leave my husband even as wonderful as he is and how good my life is (superficially). My biggest reason that I didn't go was because I needed my husband to be the amazing father that he is. When he found out about my affair, he stopped being that. He was moody and impatient with our kids, so I stayed because he's usually been the better parent. I say usually because there was a period of time in my affair that I was on cloud nine and I hadn't gotten to that angsty guilt and resentment stage. I was fun, energetic and caring. She made me joyous and it overflowed into the other parts of my life. The other day and epiphany hit me that seemed so obvious; if I'd gone with her, I could have picked up the parenting slack until my husband had worked through his grief. (and really I think he could be better off by now for it) <br />
Not following my heart has affected me in so many aspects of my life; I have less emotional and physical energy, I dwell on my loss instead of career, home and family, I can't get the inspiration to exercise, I can see aging in my face, If I actually laugh my kids are surprised by how it sounds because they're not used to hearing it.<br />
I'm sorry to be so biased, but I lost my love. I got that ultimatum too. Actually, I got several. By the time I had the courage, she had had enough. She didn't trust me anymore and she had made herself stop loving me for self-preservation. I needed to $*!# or get off the pot a whole lot more quickly. I literally begged on my hands and knees and all I got back was cold angry eyes that are burned into my memory. I hear you saying you love her and she makes you happy; feel free to learn from my mistake.<br />
I hope whatever you decide to do, it works out. Either way it's scary. I don't know if I can be of any help, but there's certainly people here to vent to. <br />
All the best to you, your love, your kids and your husband. <br />
I'd love to keep hearing how things are going for you.

Yes, to everything broadwayplease is saying. Children are resilient. As long as you don't run off on a "honeymoon" with your GF, as long as you can stay grounded as a mom and help your kids through this transition, then GO. RUN into her arms.

I almost pray that my husband would be a jerk to give me a reason to leave. I know I need to, for me, but I don't know how, or when, or how to afford it. :(

If I had one indication that he wasn't a great husband and father, it would be my key to freedom - my ability to be me.

Thinking of you. I know it's gut-wrenching. Put as long as you let this fester, you will never be whole. TRUST ME.

Personally I think you should ...LEAVE ! Other people in this group I understand Them staying with their Husbands. Their Husbands are good to them,they have history of positiveness. You need to go get your happiness - you have never done that. Get therapy, love and happiness. This is your one life. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be the best you. Your mother doesn't need to know everything. Would you want your kids to go through what you are to appease you? That's just my opinion. Whatever you do, there are people here that you can confide in.

Thank you. I Read your response and it was like this ridiculous weight had been lifted from me. I have learned to repress my feelings... I generally can not cry unless I drink. this is probably one of the first times I have been able to cry in years without drinking first. I don't drink often so the build up has gotten pretty bad. I had told my husband that I was only giving this a few more months and I was done. This was actually somethig we talked about 2 years ago. but now it seems more important. My girlfriend is giving me until
August and she is leaving. I don't blame her. I don't feel like I hav deserved the amount of love and understanding and acceptance she has up to this point. If I can't figure this out I am terrified of losing her..... I am truly happy when I am with her it is like I can forget all of the bad stuff... Bc it no longer matters bc she knows and she doesn't resent me. She loves me. I am just not sure how one begins the journey out of a marriage. I am all but broke and we are in a mountain of debt. So that only adds to the pressure. But I think he realizes I have been becoming more distant and hanging of with my friend more. I think he may know. Where does one go from here?

I know the economic part is scary, that was something that scared me when I thought of leaving but I think if you plan and both really know what you're getting into, you can do it. Compare to what you've been through, it's nothing. I want to write more but it's been a long day. I'll continue tomorrow but I'm very hopeful and excited for you.

I spent yesterday with my girlfriend. We went to the park and had a picnic and went to a concert. Because of unfortunate events in her family we left the concert and went to the hospital. I ended up meeting her family for the first time. it was strange. I felt very out of place because they were having a family crisis. Not the way I ever imagined meeting them. Funny I don't know it I ever did imagine meeting them. It was very surreal. I came home thinking abou the events of the evening and thinking of how I told her that I think my staying with my husband and losing her may honestly be the worst thing I can imagine right now. We talked about what we would do if I moved out. how we would handle things. I felt a sense of excitement. I sense of hope. The meeting her family part was so unplanned and made me feel like maybe I am only kidding myself that I have enough strength to do this. To leave and turn my children's lives completely upside down. More and more days I feel like I don't know what to do. Everyday I think about leaving. Everyday I think about staying. everyday I think of slitting my wrists.