Why Did I Do It?

I have made so much progress with getting over my first true love. She wasn't in love with me, and so I tried to break myself of my addiction to her. We have settled into a really supportive & beautiful phone friendship, and I have been pretty satisfied with her as my friend, and haven't seen her in real life in 3 months.

So tonight, I went on her FB page just to have a peek at what she was up to today (I missed her call), and saw that she got her hair cut. And I started looking at photos of her. And it brought it ALLLL back. And it makes me want to see her and hug her and spend time with her.

It makes me realize that the new friendships I'm forming don't "do it" for me in the way that hers does. Seeing her, with her sweet face and eyes that are slightly different sizes, and her sheepish half smile and her softness and her wrinkles, well, they made me remember the very essence of her.

I used to be glad that she doesn't love me back because it means I don't have to leave my husband right away. And we wouldn't be good together anyway. She doesn't want to travel or make plans - I'd always be following her around and doing what she wants. But regardless of the fact that she's not in love with me, and regardless of the fact that we wouldn't be good together anyway, regardless of everything, I want to be with her, in some capacity - any capacity - right this very moment.

Why did I do it? Why did I type in her name and click on her FB page?

onmywayhome onmywayhome
36-40, F
5 Responses Sep 8, 2012

maybe you do not really want to be with her any more,

you just want to know why it did not work.....

for the purposes of some closure.

I know from past experiences that it can be so hard to let go of someone. I know all about the moving forward and back slides into the misery of not being able to have what you want. It's really hard but you are a strong woman and I know you can get through it. I hope that at some point in your healing you can come to embrace the realization that you deserve better. You deserve someone truly special who can see and appreciate what a unique and wonderful woman you are, who values and desires you. Yes, you deserve to be desired! Don't settle for less. And I think the point you made is an extremely good one about pining for something you know you can't have being a sort of safety net for you because you know it just won't happen and then you won't be forced to do or change anything in your life. I see myself in that behavior too. Very insightful.
I feel sure that you will meet someone special. Maybe just when you are ready for it, ready to make those changes. As Ifinallygetit said, hang in there!

Hey Girl!..you're supposed to be healing?...it's like breaking a habit and being tempted back (just like Riveria said) and she isn't "knowingly" tempting you! You've got to stay on track...you'll be glad you did...and you will find someone..even better...who wants to be with you just as much. Take a breath Onmywayhome...have a look at what's gone behind you and what it took for you to be able to look "back" on it...then take a look at the future you, confident, successful...even happy and content...knowing the decisions, hard as they have been, were worth the heartache. I know you can drag yourself up out of this....because your a very smart woman.<br />
<br />
Swoozie x

Some habits are hard to break, my love. After 3 months of not seeing her I think you're well on the way to recovery so please don't be so hard on yourself. We all have relapses every now and again! It's part of being human! xxx

True, friend! Remember how crazy I was at first?

Yes I do and I was wondering were you talking about the same person here!! You've come a long way and that makes me happy for you and proud of you! Now relax and enjoy your new found freedom...and realize that you are surrounded by supportive friends on EP xxx

Oh girl, we have so much in common rigbt now.

xo. :(