It All Adds Up

On November 8, 2010, I realized I was gay and had been all my life. On that day, I was 55 and married for almost 31 years to the same man. Basically, on 11/8, I put experiences, thoughts, and dreams together to tell myself something I had never been able to say: I am gay. It was never in my culture to even think such a thing.

I grew up in a Christian home, where I learned about faith and prayer, yet I wonder if my mother had been wondering about my sexual orientation.

As a 3 year old, I wanted to dress like a boy, buy boy clothes, wear boy shoes. One day, I took a walk with my male cousin all around the neighborhood. Because he and I looked alike without our shirts, I saw no reason a girl should NOT go around the neighborhood without a shirt since the boys did it. When I came home, my mom was a little more than shocked when she saw me, saying girls don't do that! I did conform and wear girl clothes.

As a teen, I did enjoy dressing up in dresses and makeup, but was most comfortable in my Liberty Jeans overhauls! My mom hated them! I wore those things out.

In college, I fell in love with a girlfriend (without ever having a sexual encounter). We worked together one summer on a mission project but it was not until 11.8.10 that i could tell myself I loved her like a lover. She had my heart and when she stopped talking to me suddenly, she must have had the same realization but couldn't verbalize it. It was like breaking up with a boyfriend but twice as confusing when she stopped talking to me.

After I was married, I would have occasional dreams of kissing a woman and wake up thinking, "Well, I guess I could be lesbian," but that was the extent of my thought. It scared me so I didn't pursue the notion.

But on 11/8/10, it all clicked, it all came together. Then I had to find out if the thought was real or imagined. Problem? It must be an extremely secret quest. Why? My husband is a public person, well known in the community. I had NEVER done anything against my morals, yet, I was determined to seek answers. I started with on-line questionares, you know...Are you Gay tests. I began seeking a woman to have a physical relationship with, establishing a new and secret email address, looking at dating sites.

Did my hubby know? No. Did I find a woman/women? Yes. I had email conversations, lunches, and finally in the spring of 2011, the opportunity to kiss a woman. It was delicious, beautiful, soft, incredible.

I did find another woman who was in the same situation as me in the same town, and we had a couple of times together where she was sexually aggressive...maybe too aggressive for our first time together, but it was also delicious.

I cannot bring myself to telling my husband. It would crush him and he would probably leave me. I love him, I love his family. I am in the position of knowing I prefer women, but am choosing not to pursue a woman at this time. I don't want my life to change. I made a commitment to my husband and I am not one to break a commitment, even if I have other sexual needs. We have too much of a history together for me to consider a break up.

What will happen to my sexual desire? I really don't know, but I have some good toys! Would I like to sneak out and kiss a woman? Yes. Will I remain with my husband? Yes, as far as I can see into the future.

Ellie8 Ellie8
56-60, F
2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Apologies for bumping a thread from 2012.
I am so sorry you are on this road. Its not easy having desires that want so badly to tear you from responsibility and love. I love my wife so much. I know in my heart I desire to be with a man but there's no way I could break her heart like that, or the hearts in her family. Im so sorry you also must live the double life. Maybe in the future, when being gay doesn't conflict with family and religion, maybe we can be who we were born to be.

Ellie you are very brave. Thank you for sharing.. Be happy.