Lost And Confused

I am a 32 year old woman that has been married for 9 years. I have two beautiful sons, one four and a baby that is 9 months old. My husband is a wonderful, caring man whom I love very much. But here I am, 32 and in a committed relationship, and questioning my sexuality. There have been road signs along the way. I've been attracted to women since I was very young, but I always blew it off that I was just attracted to women in the entertainment business, etc. In college I struggled with my sexuality again, but came to the conclusion that my sexuality was like a pendulum and I was most likely bisexual. My husband knows of my attractions, but I have never acted on them. I've never found a woman in my life that I really wanted to take that plunge with. I think I've just been putting a band-aid over all of this throughout my life, and now I'm seriously questioning if I am, in fact, a lesbian. My sex life with my husband is pretty terrible. It hasn't always been this way, but now I have to think of women to even feel remotely satisfied. And then the guilt. Ugh.
Now I feel stuck. I know that if I were to experiment (and who would want to experiment with a woman in a committed relationship and a Mom to boot??) ANYTHING would be better than my current love life - I've been with the same man for 13 years - anything new, man or woman, would be exciting and different. I'm also the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeve, and to be romantically involved with someone would require feelings for them. I don't want to throw my marriage away on a theoretical relationship, but I almost feel as I have to be separated to even be able to experiment and find out if this is my true self. I feel so trapped and confused. And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt my husband. But I know that it's not fair to him either, even though he would disagree and tell me not to decide things for him.
I only want to be true to myself, and live a full and happy life, but I'm not even sure what that is, or how to find out. What a mess.
MagicMomma MagicMomma
31-35, F
8 Responses Nov 28, 2012

Hi,I am also a new on this site, joined becuase of the similar reasons, as you: 37, two teenage daughters, a great husband, who I really do love, but my hidden part confuses me. There are couple of weeks, when my family life, my hardworking days keep me busy and out even of the thoughts of my attraction to women, but afterwards I'm lost again. My lesbian thoughts and fantasies are going to be the part of my everyday life again and complicate it, although I have never had any affair with any woman. Not even a kiss. I've always been in the closet and have never shown any signs of my feelings. The older I’m getting, the more I’d love to complete my desire in life…But how and where to live it? I feel there is no chance for me of getting in touch with a woman, who I can be attracted to. In the small town, where we live I can’t allow to put my husband, my children, my friends, the freinds of my children and myself in compromising emotional situations because of my sexual preference.
I have been doing zumba for 1 and a half year. There is a really lovely woman…no special feelings and thoughts until the other day, when…I was standing outside the gym and was speaking with a friend, when she and her friends turned up, walked out the door…when suddenly we caught each other’s eyes. We glanced each other as she went by… It was a relativ long and different eyecontact which made me excited. That was the moment when something started inside of me.
We had two quick glances at the next zumba class. A week later she sent a warm sweet greeting (earlier I haven’t experienced such an enthusiasm from her), but afterwards no further sign. Moreover she left very quickly that day, without saying hello. I felt somehow that it ended before it started. The sound was even louder inside: it is likely just sympathy what she feels for you…don’t built daydreams…don’t have hopes in an unrequited love. So I decided to do what I always did in similar situations: I avoid her. If I stand aside, I probable will forget her in a period of time.
I’m fully aware of the signs of attraction between men and women, but I seemed to be confused about the female body language signals and I seem to mix up sympathy and romantical attraction. Or maybe I am right, but the person adopts somekind of mimicry and lives in the closet, like myself...

I am in exactly the same predicament as you - 30, married to a great guy, two adorable young sons, and a crappy sex life (again, wasnt always that way) that leaves me constantly thinking of women and revisiting the times before I met my hubby that I was able to "experiment." He's always known, but now I'm really feeling like more is missing from my life than a quick hookup. Have you been able to find any ways to talk with your husband about this?

I had a great session with my counselor yesterday morning. I was just letting everything out and talking of a trial separation came up. It was scary stuff for me. Yesterday evening I talked to my husband about EVERYTHING. We had talked before, but I just don't think he truly understood what I was trying to say, or the severity of things for me. There were lots of tears. Being completely honest with him has made me feel so much better. I still am not quite sure what we are going to do, but I know that we are focusing on our marriage and we are going to try to make the sex life better. We do both love each other very much, I just have to love myself as well. At least now I can say that I have done everything I can, and just see where this takes us. I'm still searching for myself, but I feel so much relief and surprisingly, support (!!) from hubby. We'll see what comes. At least I'm not living in that crazy headspace for the moment.

I just have to say I can completely relate to your story. You are certainly not alone in what is going on in your life. I am in a very similar situation. I am 30, married for 8 years, and have a 6 year old son. I told my husband about how I feel, but the thought of breaking up our family just seemed too difficult. Yet, it is something that bothers me nearly everyday. Unsure of what my future will hold, but I know right now I am not truly happy.

I understand completely! I just joined this site about 5 minutes ago and your story is the first I've read. I'm sitting here in my living room while husband is Christmas shopping online beside me. This is my second marriage. I have 2 wonderful kids. I have been intimate with women and know that I am a married lesbian and I really do love my husband. Confusing I know. I am 40 and have just now truly come to this realization. Content (but restless) with my life and certainly don't want to upset anyone over what feels selfish but the "hidden" part of me, the real me wants to be free so bad sometimes. I can see we are not alone here! I am shocked at the amount of married lesbians. I thought I was alone. Glad I found this site. I hope you figure out your hearts greatest desires and that you will be able to come to some sort of resolution that allows complete happiness and peace within yourself. :)

The not knowing/confusion is very hard indeed! If I were financially independent I would have left my husband a long time ago. In my fantasies I am alone to blossom and truly come into myself after I leave him before getting involved with anyone else, but I cannot imagine ever being with a man ever again.

I was in a similar similar situation....However I met a woman that I fell in love with and before her I had never really thought about being with a woman, I left my husband, its been about a year and a half. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I can tell you this, I haven't been this happy and felt this "free" in a long time. To discover who you are and to just come into yourself is very freeing. However, the road getting there is very hard. When I married my husband I was in love with him, but I can tell you that I have never felt more complete than I do now being with a woman. I feel like I have found the missing piece to the puzzle. I don't regret ever getting married because without him I wouldn't have had my two beautiful kids, but sometimes I wish I had looked further into myself a long time ago because then I would have saved him a lot of heartache.
My point being....yes be true to yourself, because in the end you are living for you, not for others. Good luck. :)

Magic Momma,

I'm sure you are not alone in this world with your sexuality. I am older than you and still have these thoughts and questions. I'm not sure though, what it all means, to me. Maybe it's because so many of my relationships have been horrible or maybe it's because I fear what I really want in life. Sexuality can be quite confusing, if you are not sure of your own wants or needs. I too, have been in your shoes, where you fantasize about being with a woman or thoughts of a woman brings you to at least be attracted to the man you are with. I fear reaching out to want my head tells me, and maybe it's a fear of how I will be treated. I have siblings and family members that are gay, and although some never would have thought this when they were younger, once they realized that they couldn't fight their true identity, their lives were complete and happy and very rewarding. All this time wasted on what they "thought" their life should be, instead of what they hearts showed them it must be.

Follow your heart, do what is best for you. I should take my own advise, but feel better knowing I am not alone, in fearing what I think I need to complete my life. It is very scary, if you have never taken that first step. Maybe that is why I am single today, and can't and won't make any definite commitments, because I am not sure what I want either.