Married To A Man, Want To Be With A Woman.

Where do I even start? I have been with my husband for three years. I love him because he is there for me, he is sweet, kind, generous and he loved me when I thought nobody could. Now that that is out there, I will say this: As long as I can remember, I have wanted to do things with girls. I remember playing with my friends when I was little, and going into the bushes and kissing the girls. I remember taking a bath with my childhood BFF and her wanting me to touch her, and me WANTING to.

As I got older, I saw the hatred and pain people were going through just for liking the same sex. So, I told everyone that vagina's disgusted me, that seeing two girls together made me want to barf, that the though of a girl going down on me made me want to set myself on fire. In reality, I think about those things every day. my 2 best friends are a lesbian couple who have been together for a long time, and have been "out" for even longer. For a while I had been bringing another female friend into the mix who was newly single and wanted to hang out, and we would do just that, drink, play cards, whatever.

One night, we all had been drinking pretty heavily, and one of the girls said they had always wanted to have group sex with all females(This was one of the lesbians). I was pretty drunk , so I said I was in, and then, it just started happening. I had only been married for a few months at this point. This experience was amazing to me. I still remember every detail, and I loved every moment of it. All my dreams and fantasies became real.

Afterwards, we all agreed that we would still be friends(and we are), and that I shouldn't tell my husband. it has been about 5 months since that incident, and I still cant even fathom telling him. I know that I want to be with women, and that is a scary thought, but I don't want to lose the man that I love. I cant picture my life without him. Not only that, but I cant picture coming out to my entire family. THAT is scary as hell!

I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce and I don't even know if what I am feeling is real. I just know that I cant stop theses feelings and it is tearing me apart.
affybaby affybaby
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

That is a tough situation.
I also know that supressing your feelings can make you ill.
Good luck
Hugs
Sammi

You're not alone :)

I am glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way. Except for the experience part (although I have only kissed girls) everything that i'm feeling is the same.