Evangelical, Married But Know I Am Still Drawn To Women

Hi Everyone,
Im going to share my story, and I would love to connect with any of you who would like to (ny email etc) and make some new friends.
I am 38 years old, currently living in Whyalla, South Australia. I am Mum to 4 kids, all 7 and under. I love them dearly. I love my husband too but not in the way a wife should. I find it hard to be intimate with him because I know my attraction is to women. I have denied this to myself for so long. I feel I need to be honest with myself. It does leave me in a dilemma though. My husband has been through a lot of crap in his life, and I also dont want to hurt my children, so I am not sure what I can do. Maybe I could just be honest with myself about my love of women, but never act on it out of respect for Jon ( and the vows I have made to him before God). Or I would consider a relationship with a woman which I would have to keep discreet. But how would she feel about that? At the moment I am like a teenager living in fantasy land, daydreaming about the woman I would like to be with (and all my tv favourites like Heather Peace and Mandana Jones).
I am evangelical Christian too, which means I believe that the Bible is God's Word and that it is true. So that obviously leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. I love Jesus and I know He is my saviour and Lord. But Im still Jane who loves women. What can I do? Would anyone like to share your experiences?
jelpick jelpick
36-40, F
15 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Its been a while since the message........have you found a girl someone? Willing to talk. In some what similiar situation.

It's a tough situation. Here's my question: if your husband knew the truth, what would he truly want for you? Let me add also that even if the marriage doesn't work in the bedroom, you don't have to divorce the guy, at least, unless and until you guys are ready to move on. It can be very, very tough, but at the end of the day, you are two people who care about each other, and you are going to have to figure out something that works. For both of you.

I am the other woman, the lesbian girlfriend, and it was an experience I would never go through again. I fell in love with a married woman with three kids. We started out okay, and as her kids got older, she would have to explain me. I would try to go with the flow, until I realized I needed more. When we would talk about going somewhere, all of a sudden she would talk about the kids, and what should we do? I would say bring them along. It wasn't the kids I had issues with they were fine, it was the husband. Simple things, I like to fly, he likes to drive. I hate road trips, he loved them. So I would fly and they could drive, and one or three LOL of the kids would fly with me, and we would meet at our destination, early, go swimming in a nice hotel, while he was shacked up on a sofa bed with the parents. I told them they could stay at the hotel with me, but he insisted on staying with the parents, and the kids didn't want to stay with them, at the parent's house so we just got a double suite, and stayed for the duration. They loved it, we had fun, they got free breakfast every morning, and my girlfriend was very unhappy. I think she thought I was trying to pull the kids away, then when her husband and I finally had a truce, she got even more upset, because she thought I was trying to take her husband or something, and she would be angry for no apparent reason. She would always ask me what her husband and I talked about? What I felt was she thought I was she wanted me to try to be part of her family, but apart of her family. We rarely got time alone,..when we did, it was like hurry and let's move on. It wasn't the same when I met her. When we did meet her husband went overseas, and everything was perfect, and she was a different person all of a sudden. One day as I was leaving she just stopped talking to me. She turned her phone off , changed her email address, and kicked me out of her life...just like that. I was planning to move were she was located, just to be nearer to the kids and her. Then she said she found Jesus, and no more could be said. there is a documentary you should watch.. Chely Wright, she is a christian and struggled with this same issue. The bible said a man should not lie with a man, but never said anything about women...LOL.Seriously either stay or go 100 percent. If you waiver, you will fail. Make your decision final and accept it. The kids will be alright, but will you? will your partner? The bible does talk about being lukewarm, and how that is never a solution. I know my ex is trying to fix her problems in her marriage, and eventually she will get divorced...he cheated before, so it's inevitable , while she was pregnant. I just stay away, and hope she will be alright and figure out who she really is. Some people will love you, some won't but in the end you have to decide the best for yourself. Me personally, I never wanted to be gay, and it took a long time for me to accept who I was, and be okay with that, and face family members who weren't okay with it. But in the end they don't matter because it's my life, and it's yours also, and there is only one person who can live it...you.

I'm not sure if you're still on here regularly to read my reply, but I wanted to comment. I am in a very similar situation and really understand the difficulty you're facing. I keep thinking that maybe I can stay in my marriage and still find a way to be happy, but I'm not sure. I don't want to hurt my husband or my daughter now, but then I worry that someday, when my little girl moves out, maybe then I'll realize it's time to move on and it would still hurt them. I would be open to having a relationship with a woman as well, but like you I wonder what that other woman would think or how she would feel. And my husband is dead-set against it. (I have told him that I am bisexual. Truth is, I'm really questioning and thinking that I am more gay than anything else...but that's another story).

Regarding your comments about God, I want to reassure you that God made you this way and God loves you no matter what. OldPolyMan posted a link that you can check out to explore some of what the Bible really says on this topic. Here are a couple more really good resources: www.inclusiveorthodoxy.org and www.christiangays.com. There is an essay at the inclusive orthodoxy website that changed my life.

Please update us and take care!

I never thought I would find someone with the exact same issue in every way. I am totally living and feeling the same way.


Have you ever checked out www.libchrist.com and it's forum ? Most of what we've been tought about sex and intimacy in churches, are either lies or half truths. Honest scholarship in reguards to what God's word actually says is a real eye opener.

hi jelpic

thank you for your post. i too am a child of divorce, a christian wife and mother and a lesbian. I too decided to keep my vows no matter what but my husband will not accept that i can not love him the way he loves me and is doing his best to push me away. I dont know what to do. My life is a misery compounded by the fact that i cant share this with anyone.

Hey. I just read your story and felt compelled to respond. I am also married with children, my kids are a little older (21, 19, and 13), I do love my husband but I to feel something has changed and it seems the older I get the worse it feels. I have also developed a strong sexual appetite, which I cannot explain, I think about sex a lot! And I dream about women daily. I am a Christian as well and I struggle with my feelings and my faith. I cannot control my dreams and sometimes I would rather stay in bed with my dreams than get up and deal with reality. I don't believe in cheating and I do know people say, you should do what makes you happy, etc. etc. But as a child of Divorce myself, I can tell you it totally sucks for children. My Father left my mom for another woman and I know that he loved us, but he 'needed" to be "happy". But a couple things happened from that divorce, my mother went to her grave a bitter woman and my siblings (and myself at times) relive our childhood and get angry over things that happened. Although I feel the way I do, my stand is I made a promise to my husband and before God, even though I feel unsatisfied and unhappy in so many ways, I cannot forget that. I know this maybe old fashion and divorce is so common these days, but I just cannot put my kids through it. I would die for them, so I put my own needs away and try my best to live my life. Plus I don't want to hurt my husband, he is a good man and he knows that I am unhappy and he has always been my rock, so I will continue this life. I find that if I keep my mind busy I don't think about quite as much (except at night in sleep), I work out, read my devotional, clean house, etc. I pray that you do whatever you need to, you will get no judgement from me, I hope that you find the peace you deserve,my friend.

i am not a lesbian but i have often said that the only people who would understand my feelings towards my marriage and my husband are gay people in straight marriages. i love him so much but, as you said, not in the way a wife should. i cant bear to leave him and leave the love we share but i can never be satisfied in my marriage. i feel i will never be able to be happy either way and i am choosing the lesser of two evils and the right thing to do. i too am religious and come from a religious family and live in a good community. i would have no support structure if i did choose to leave...like yours, my husband has been through many difficulties in his life and i cannot imagine adding to that. im sorry for the pain that you are going through and i can relate. usually i feel like i am just not meant for happiness in this world but i should strive to minimize the hurt of others.

hi there, I consider you an immediate friend, for many reasons, but two stand out. You are a wonderful mother, and and a devoted wife. your story reads like mine. I have just posted my first story earlier, so take a read. I have been married 24 years, and been seperated for 10 months, 8 of those living with a girl 20 years younger than me. I left my home, and my children (although I see them almost everyday because I run a business from my old home, theirs now), a son 18 and a daughter 16. I havent "come out", because as a Christian, and doing lots of counceling work, always felt that Jesus loves all of us, and we have no labels. UNTIL I met my lesbian girlfriend, who recently came out. I know exactly how you feel, not wanting to hurt the children. Mine suspect, but dont know about my girlfriend. They have asked, and I denied it, to protect them. My daughter, who I was very very close to, hates me now. I feel horribly guilty all the time. One day I feel like I have let down God, my kids and everyone, the next day I look at my heart, and realise, God made me perfectly in His image, and loves me. I am still really stuck with the guilt, it eats me up.....why Im so glad I found this site. I havent filed for divorce, dont even know how emotionally I can do that.. I question it all the time, but what I do know, is that I diddnt go looking for this. Yet I feel loved in a way I have never been able to receive. A gentle strong wonderful love, and it comes from a woman. thanks for being so brave in sharing your story.....big hug from SA

I am a christian and I have prayed my entire life that my attraction and love of women would just 'go away' but it never has and has only grown and it has instructed me through prayer life that eitehr god is true and he is leading me to embrace who I am, or he is not true. because there can be no other. I have lived a rigidly moral life and so if that were 'the way' to be, shouldn't I find the 'god is LOVE' aspect of life?

p.s. no where in the bible does it say love between women is wrong. it only states men. just saying... God bless and I hope you find what you need.

not explicit.
it is implicit at best and used repeatedly in sermonizing around the world apparently.

I believe we all are given a demon to contend with. Some are more socially acceptable like alcohol or drugs.While others have deviant sexual issues.

I have obviously failed and succumb to my obsession. I have gone months and yrs and not physically acted on my Cross dressing desires.

I'm an Evangelical believer too. And when I pray and study I can usually keep it at bey.

I'm very mixed about my desires. Biblically its wrong. I have no bi-sexual desires.

I Love women as a man. Yet I envy her feminine world. Soon my wife will return and I will purge again. And Lord willling I can be the man I'm supposed to be.

My point being I understand these desires we have will never go away and the only cure is abstaining and not allowing ourselves to get into circumstances that stimulate those desires.

I'm rambling ..I understand..;-)

Very well said. I admire your desire for purity because it is a constant battle. Thank you for sharing

I'm also an evangelical Christian. I know the struggle you shared. Well, sort of. I knew I was attracted to women from a very early age. I never married and been in two long term female relationships. I'm now 43. Just be true to yourself.

You are amazing for sharing this, for facing it given your life! I do not have a similar story, but am so inspired by your honesty that I had to say so. I am sorry that you're not experiencing that fairy tale love with your husband,