Can Someone TURN you gay?

I just have to get this off my chest.

I received an email from a man sympathizing with my situation but saying that he was sorry to hear that my husband had turned me gay.

Turned me gay?

I know he meant well, but I find that phrase so offensive. To me it denotes a complete lack of understanding. It implies that I have no autonomy, no individuality. That my needs, tastes, desires are dictated by others and do not, in fact, belong entirely to me.
It's simple minded; a two dimensional way of thinking.
No one has "turned" me gay. It is true that I have endured a lot of abuse from men in my life. Has that had a bearing on my being attracted to women and not attracted to men? Yes! Absolutely. Because all the experiences we go through in life conspire to make us who we are. What I'm really trying to say is that I've lived long enough now to learn what my needs are. I've lived long enough and learned the lessons that life has thrown at me well enough to know that men simply aren't capable of meeting those needs but that women are. It's a personal process of growth, learning, and self exploration that I've gone through and I'm proud of it. It represents an accomplishment on my part because I figured it out entirely on my own. It's an accomplishment because it requires thought processes that extend beyond the conditioning of our society. And it's an accomplishment because I have adapted instead of mule-ishly insisting on pursuing a course of action for a desired outcome when I should have known full well from experience that that outcome will never happen. And because I have observed plenty of full grown adults who haven't the faintest idea of what their needs are. Just figuring that out is a battle not for the faint of heart.

So, yes, I feel strongly about the implications buried in the phrase "turned you gay".

It would be like my expressing sympathy to him for realizing that a goldfish won't meet his emotional needs. Should I say "I'm so sorry your goldfish turned you on to human beings"?

It's not a matter of gay, or straight. It's a matter of being human and having needs; having the need to be loved. That is universal, but everyone has that need in just a slightly different way. I have nothing against goldfish by the way. No goldfish were harmed in the writing of this post.
ET1234 ET1234
26-30, F
6 Responses Jan 8, 2013

this is awesome.

I too have gone through abuse through my husband and I recently came out to my family and many have implied (though not said) that my husband's actions had led me to women. and you said it EXACTLY; I am a big girl and I make decisions. If I wanted to leave my husband and be with another man I WOULD... but, I realize that he was the 'last great hope' for men and me to begin with!

I won't go on and on I just really loved your post. thanks. and I'm glad you didn't harm any goldfish. THAT would really be tragic.

Yay! So glad what I wrote spoke to your experience too. I felt that my husband was the also the 'last great hope' for men... Ugh! Now I feel like what a waste of time and energy. But I guess we just have to go through what we have to go through to learn and grow. Right now I feel like the worst part is that all the men in my life have wanted me to be their mommy and have had a huge sense of entitlement to me, my time, my body, and I'm just so sick of that. I don't want to be anyone's mommy (except if I have children) and I don't want anyone to be my mommy. I want an equal. I guess I'm just rambling now....

please ramble...

Thats Crazy!! When i finally told my husband, he thought he turned me gay because he didnt water the garden ( thats how he said it).. I said "well you forgot to mow it, rake it, and hoe it.." was sad but sex wasn't high on his list, or mine with him. I think if you are born this way and you remember going way back to your childhood and see how you felt you will see it was always there. There was no question in my life that I desired a womans touch, and love and to be loved like never before.

I married a man because I was doing what was best for me at that time & for my family and I wanted children. I saw my self withering away being everything that everybody wanted me to be like my parents, my husband, my job, my clients, my friends. I love my kids enough to shield them until they are on their own because they asked me to. I am searching for my soul mate and know shes out there somewhere.

My choice isn't everyone's choice but it works for me. You have to find what makes you happy and go with it even if it hurts the people you love. Ive sacrificed half my life now and my kids are older not many more years left and they will be in college. My fears are still heavy because even though I told them Im a lesbian its not true to my kids until I meet that special person and she becomes real.

Wow, you are so right. What you wrote about if you just look back you'll see that it was always there really struck me. When I was a teenager I was secretly crushing on many of my girl friends while I was outwardly flirting with every guy that would flirt back with me. It was so outlandish that it was sort of a joke with some of my friends. I just didn't know what to do with those feelings I was having.

I also feel the same way you described, withering away. I haven't been as brave as you and am not out to my husband or anybody. I believe my husband really does know deep down inside because he knows that I was with a woman once before we got together, and he probably sees me surreptitiously checking out women in public, but he doesn't face it. I'm so afraid of coming out. Sometimes I meet someone who I seem to be hitting it off with and I wonder, would this person be so friendly with me if they know I was a lesbian or would they think I was a freak? It's really scary. But hearing stories like your own make be feel a bit better about someday coming out. Thanks for writing.

I get comments on mine all the time saying I only need a good man like them. You know when I first told my husband he also said he will turn me back to straight. I had to explain that I was a lesbian for years & was hiding it. We are getting divorced I have found love in another beautiful women.

Hey,
Thanks for your response. That's wonderful that you have found someone. Have you been together long?

I find it interesting that anyone would think this is a choice....seriously, why would I want my life this way? Let's face the facts- being gay isn't looked upon in the most tolerable light. My husband silently suffering because of my desire for women, his lack of ability to fulfill that. If I did come out fully- how many of my family, local community and so called friends would except that, even my own children would look at me differently....who in their right mind would choose this? I find myself daily struggling with intense emotions on how to act in certain situations, If only I could just not care about anything or anyone else but just satisfying myself. It seems like the man who sent the message wants to be the man your husband isn't....he must not be reading our posts. Most of us love our husbands and hate what we are doing to them.

Cognitive,Truer words have never been spoken!!!

I agree Indigo. It would seem to be the latest and the greatest by the trendy folk. I find their humor and lack of compassion for the real world and the ones that truly are lesbian to be a slap in the face.

<p>How common among how men feel about this. My husband actually had said the something very similar to this when I told him. He thinks partly it was due to my "lack" of good men in my life not meeting my needs. And he also put himself on that list. They sure are fixers in every sense of the word. And this is how some of them view our feelings. Sad, for both genders I would have to say.</P>

I couldn't agree more..."Sad, for both genders..."

Really sad!

because men are "fixers" and thats what they think needs fixing. Sad.

These men clearly cannot read our profiles...they have no business contacting us with such ignorant remarks! Maybe he thought he could convert you back to being straight ;) If only life was as simple!!

OMG, I think you put your finger on it! He's probably a total narcissist that thinks he can "fix" me. Why do some men think we are broken and need to be fixed? I'm not broken. I like the way I am.

Your right about these men having no business contacting us like that. I can't seem to understand what they don't understand about why we are here.

ET1234,
I used to feel like that. That I was proud of who I was. And that I was finally freeing my mind and my heart up and being authentic, but not anymore. Not after I have "lived" the experience of trying to do both and be both to my husband and my girlfriend. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Being married to a man and being attracted to women only? No.. thats not something that brings me peace. Not at all. :-(

No, feeling one way and living another is no way to find peace. If you feel that I claimed that being married to a man and desiring to be with a woman (or having an affair) IS a way of finding peace then there has been some serious misunderstanding.

What I wrote that I am happy about is having found who I am. But having found who I am, and that being in conflict with my current way of living does not mean that I need to live a double life. Some people choose that, but I have not. I have chosen to deal with the situation in a way that I can feel the most comfortable with. A way that leaves me feeling ok about myself.

We all have different circumstances and situations in our lives and the "right" answer, if there is such a thing, is different for us all. Some women here in this group have happy lives married to men and also with a girlfriend. I don't happen to be one of them and I'm sorry your experience didn't work out for you, but there are some women here who are doing both things and successfully.

I wish you the best of luck.