I've Been Trapped In This Lie To Long

Well here goes my story. Like so many women on here, I led a lie to myself for a few years. I got married, had 2 children and then divorced, because of pure unhappiness. I know I've had the attraction for women since I was young. I was a tom boy too at a young age, always hanging around boys, rather than girls, because they were always so head over heals for the boys and I couldn't stand it. I dated, I married and I dated some more, only to feel something missing, something not right within myself. Denial. My true identity. I am now at the stage in my life, trying to reach out, if only here, then so be it. I've read so many heart wrenching stories that sound so much like my own, that I am grateful for this site to make me feel welcome and not alone in my fears, or in this life I call a lie. I don't really know when it all started, all I know is that I am more excited around women or for women, than I've ever felt for a man. I am in this very estranged relationship with an ex boyfriend of mine and I think he is the reason I am feeling that I need to be honest with myself and accept who I really am. I've hidden behind so many things for far too long. I am hurting, I am unhappy. I've never even kissed a woman, but I know what I feel inside. I know who I am, but trying to come out to my family or my friends is my worst fear of all. They are not so understanding. How would I ever tell my children? Will they accept me for who I am, or will they turn away. My mother, oh my mother..how will she react to having two gay daughters? My sister is gay, but left the family because of my mother, so many years ago, so we lost our sister because of it, and I truly believe this is why I lived this lie, in fear of rejection of my own mother. I would just die if I lost her respect. She is okay today, with the acceptance of my sisters life, but hasn't yet seen her in almost 26 years. I need to be true to myself, but do I wait even longer before I come out? I just don't know, so lost, so confused about it all. I'm reaching out to my sister, just now, minutes ago, because I have no one else to talk to, to turn to, who will understand.

Tired...so tired of being someone I am not.
scassy scassy
46-50, F
4 Responses Jan 10, 2013

i think you are amazing, can we be friends?
warm regs

Thank you freckle6608 ! Of course we can be friends. I think this site is amazing because we can share our stories, our fears and speak openly without judgement. I'm happy to say now, that it has ended, this so called "back together" with an ex of mine. I just couldn't go on another day. I'd rather be alone and take the time to find myself and let whatever is going to come into my life, happen on its own. I just can't be with a man any longer.

thanks for sharing. I came out to my husband and parents yesterday. It has already and will continue to be hard for a long time but i totally feel it. for the first time in decades I feel like I'm NOT lying... at least not to myself and THAT is a start. You're going to be okay!

Hello 8119CA. I am so happy for you ! And yes, I do suppose it is going to be hard for a while, but I hope everyone that matters in your life comes around to accept you for who you really are. Honesty to ourselves is the first step and its hard enough for us, let alone those who loves us. I thank you for your kind words and for sharing some of your story with me, and I think I will be okay too, some day, that is.

Hi Scassy,
I completely get everything you wrote about.
Its not easy. Its not something that just goes away.
There's no magical words I can say to make it easier other than I myself as well as the others on this site, and especially this forum here relate all too well with what you are feeling.
Support makes thing a little bit easier.


Thank you LostinNH. You are right, it is so much easier to be yourself on this forum. I wished something like this had of existed many many years ago, maybe I wouldn't have found myself dealing with this only now, and would have been so much happier sooner. And no, it doesn't go away, we just bury it, thinking we have no other choice. Thanks for your support, it means so much. ♥

You gave me some excellent advice.....here are your words.
~You need, like most of us, to be honest with your true self, seek out your own happiness, whatever the outcome. After all, it is "your" life.~
Family isn't blood....it's those in your life who truly love you for who the real you is.
We have been convinced by our culture that we have only so many ways to be, when we step back look at our environment it can help us see the reasons we do things and the ways we treat others, our behaviour is basically structured by our upbringing.
To see past this can help us make decisions based on what is going to be the best and healthiest way of living, we know that our emotional state is just as important as our health.
You need to love you and stop worrying about what others may think of you.
I'm so sorry for your pain for the exhaustion you are going through...be good to yourself.

Thank you cognitive. I have done just that now, got things off my chest and hopefully I will meet the right woman and then I can begin to be me. ♥