I Almost Came Out Today

So a friend from this site has been really encouraging to me and it's helped me a ton. the major reason I've never come out is because I always viewed homosexuality as a flaw as a sin as something that needs to be extinguished; then when I accepted it in myself about two years ago I thought I would just have to 'make due' with my husband because of my son...

THEN, I met a woman who just set my heart on fire and I knew I wanted to be with her and I sort of saw the end of my marriage even though I didn't know HOW it would end, I just knew there was not 'happily ever after' with my husband. Period. It was as if both of us were diagnosed with incurable cancer, and the doctor only told ME. We didn't have long to live and he didn't even know it was over for him. he still doesn't.

I have told my husband on two occasions that I'm bisexual-- and that is what I meant, but it is over a year n ow that I've realized I am attracted to men only as cute little puppy-dogs; there is nothing mature about them or how I view them. I am definitely majority gay, so I may as well at least call myself that.

he refuses to believe it. well, even thought he won't believe that I'm gay; he's been forced to believe that I'm bisexual because I watch shows on netflix with gay themes and he gets pissed. they're all lame (I'm a filmmaker and actress and super opinionated on those things), so he shouldn't be too upset (if they were done well... maybe)

so anyway, I digress.

I've been chatting with a friend on here and she has helped me tremedously and I finally just said to myself, "you're never going to know if the storm is bad or not unless you just GO THERE... and you know you WANT to go there... so why wait?!"
and then I felt sick all day... like my body shuts down... it's like, "i'm going to do this... I'm going to do this... ugh.. I need to throw up..."

and I saw my parents because I was helping with my nieces and nephew who are staying with them and my mom sees I'm sick and she knows me and she's started to suspect based on what I've said and done in the last year and she asked how I was and it was RIGHT THERE on my tongue as I'm setting the table for dinner, but then I reeled it in because I thought I should give my husband a warning and I didn't want my son to be awake when it all went down. I guess he (my husband) deserves to know first. I've told him before but I always left it with this 'but don't worry I'll seek help' vibe because, of course, he DOES view it as a disease that can be cured with enough prayer...

I no longer think I'm sick or broken. Finally, after 20 years of hiding, I'm willing to say I'm not sick, or broken. I'm perfectly fine. God made me this way. I love women... even though I am one. deal with it.

I'm giving myself one week to tell my husband. then I'm going to tell everyone.

OMG... will I really do this?!?!
8119CA 8119CA
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

P.s. I did it. today.
my husband.
my mother
my father
my sister....

aftermath forthcoming... wow.

Good for you, you brave, brave lady! Women like you are a real inspiration to me.
I really hope that things work out well for you. Keep us posted. :)