Married But Still Longing For A Women

I am so glad I found this site. Your stories have been so encouraging.
I don't know where to start with all of this.... Even though I've been married for 5 years to my husband, I feel so alone. I've struggled with depression for years and although I have legitimate issues to work on in therapy, I have recently come to the conclusion that (drum roll please...) I am a married lesbian.
My husband knows about my past sexual experiences with women and I told him I was bisexual before we got married. I just wanted to have a "normal" life and thought it would be possible since I did love him and was only bisexual anyway....
I mean is this cliché or what?
I've always loved everything about women. Virtually all of my friends growing up were female. In fact, I shied away from guys during school, but mainly attributed that to thinking I was ugly. I was a late bloomer in that respect (my sister says I have ugly duckling syndrome but whatever ). Like many of you, I felt like something was missing or that I was somehow different. Being raised in a pentecostal church (think swinging from the chandeliers), being lesbian wasn't really an option. And since I never talked to anyone about my feelings, I just assumed everyone noticed girls like I did.
I've been working with a therapist for a while and she has really helped me to own my feelings toward women and not feel like a bad person. Last week my husband came to therapy with me and I told him that even though I love him, my attraction to women has been really hard to ignore. It was hard, but I do feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm not sure where to go from here? He told me his biggest fear is me leaving him for a women. At this point, I am not seeing anyone and have no plans for divorce; however, I feel this sense of longing for something that I may never be able to experience again.
I guess I'm just hoping to make some connections here with people who understand this struggle.
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7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

I consider myself a lesbian and I am married to a man. I am not even bisexual because the only man I will sleep with is my husband. I have female lovers and I am immensely turned on by women.

Since I came out to my husband and agreed on an open marriage, things have really improved. He's cool with me getting on with women (no, I don't share them with him).

However, if I were to tell him I am emotionally connected with another women on a romantic level, he will be very concerned. Like your husband, he is worried that I will leave him for another woman.

If you love your husband and both of you are okay with the open marriage approach, it may be the way to go. It does help to spice up the marriage. In fact, it may also make both of you realise that what is real is what both of you have built up all these years.

In particular to women-women relationships, they can be intensely emotionally charged. Be careful with your heart and don't let things **** you up so badly that you make a decision that you regret later on.

No, you are SO not alone!
My husband fears me leaving him too and he doesn't even know how I feel. But I think he can definitely sense that I'm miserable.
I understand the struggle. I feel just as you wrote about longing for something that you may never be able to experience again.

Thanks! No, I don't think I will ever tell my husband. Actually, before we became involved he knew that I had been with a woman once so he does know. But I think he tries not to think about it. And that's fine with me because honestly I don't feel strong enough to bring that out into the open. For now anyway. Good luck to you too!

I understand. My husband says the same thing-- that I'll leave him for a woman. I make no attempts to put his fears to rest. that is exactly what I'll do if I don't leave him first. He doesn't understand that. He thinks if he 'locks me up' to various promises in counseling I'll never go.

Good Luck to you. Just thought I'd drop a note to let you know that there is one more person who understands! If you can get out, do! :)

I know, this site is crazy. You think you're utterly alone and then one day you realize that there are so many of us... I call us the sisterhood. :)

I hope all works out for you and husband. You need to follow your heart.

hi there friend, ive red ur story n damn if it wasnt me writing it in another body, i struggle with my feelings, i treasure my husband hes a great man, he knows all about my relationships with woman and has always been there to pick up the pieces of a shattered love affair gone wrong, i dont want to hurt him anymore, or myself, i just got out of a bad relatnship i almost left him for, now i cant talk to him about it cuz i know it wud destroy him to know im in love with this woman, even though it had ended he doesnt realize how much i long for her, oh dear its nice to talk, if u need to vent im here, just looking for someone to talk to, good luck

I completely understand. My husband does not know but I have made sutle hints. I've known I liked women since I was 11. I was raised in a Christian home and know what the Bible says but I can't help who I am. I am also married but with kids and I know I will leave my husband one day but for now it is so hard. If you need to talk let me know.

I cannot help, but I can completely relate.