I Am a Lesbian Married to a Man
Up until recently, I thought that it was very normal to hate the way men act. I chalked it up to the way the media portrays men and how they act because of it. I thought it was due to their insecurities, and I admired the humbleness. I was very naive and very wrong. I have never had problems being friends with men and caring about them deeply. It is the physical part I have always hated. I was taught that sex was a necessary evil to have the emotions and love from the relationship; a means to an end. It never sat right with me, and I always hated the way their bodies looked, but I figured I was just being bitchy.
I have always had a strong pull to women that I have denied. I was never ever taught that that was even an option. My mind didn't even make the connection that it would be possible to carry on a relationship with a woman. I am very very shy around them and I lock up. The way women usually do with men( the way I never did). For years, I thought about women and did nothing about it. I finally had a few experiments with a friend and was very happy. I was very hurt when I found out that her intentions were just to impress a male with it. I have always had a HUGE problem with girls who do gay things just to make a male happy. If a female is touching a female, it is private and it should be just for their pleasure alone. So, I was kind of discouraged after that.
Before I get any more off the topic though, here is my real issue... I fell in love with a man, and I interpreted the family-type of love for marriage material. I would take a bullet for this man, but I do not want to have sex with him. We have children, because I wanted children. Now that we are done procreating, I cannot even talk myself into touching him. I love him... I don't want to hurt him. I have been honest about my longing for a female. I don't really know what to do now. We haven't talked much more about it, but every day I think about women. Every day I daydream about snuggling a woman in my bed. Every day I imagine putting my fingers through a mass of wavy blonde hair. Every day it eats at me and I do not know what to do anymore. Is there anyone out there who knows how I am feeling?
I have always had a strong pull to women that I have denied. I was never ever taught that that was even an option. My mind didn't even make the connection that it would be possible to carry on a relationship with a woman. I am very very shy around them and I lock up. The way women usually do with men( the way I never did). For years, I thought about women and did nothing about it. I finally had a few experiments with a friend and was very happy. I was very hurt when I found out that her intentions were just to impress a male with it. I have always had a HUGE problem with girls who do gay things just to make a male happy. If a female is touching a female, it is private and it should be just for their pleasure alone. So, I was kind of discouraged after that.
Before I get any more off the topic though, here is my real issue... I fell in love with a man, and I interpreted the family-type of love for marriage material. I would take a bullet for this man, but I do not want to have sex with him. We have children, because I wanted children. Now that we are done procreating, I cannot even talk myself into touching him. I love him... I don't want to hurt him. I have been honest about my longing for a female. I don't really know what to do now. We haven't talked much more about it, but every day I think about women. Every day I daydream about snuggling a woman in my bed. Every day I imagine putting my fingers through a mass of wavy blonde hair. Every day it eats at me and I do not know what to do anymore. Is there anyone out there who knows how I am feeling?
By:
MsLadyFace
Age:
22-25
,
Female
2
responses
