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I Am a Lesbian Married to a Straight Man

Where do I begin?

Well, I will just start from where I think I had my first inclination.
When I was about 11 years old, I felt an attraction to girls when most of my friends were feeling an attraction to know 11 year old girls, all about the "boy bands" and pop music...while my friends were into NSYNC, I was more "attracted" I guess you could say to singers like Christina Aguillera.

I never got vocal about my feelings but to one friend of mine whom I have known since I was 4. She said she had felt the same things too, and whereas young people are curious, we were curious together.

Jump ahead about 3 years, to when I lost my Grandmother to cancer, it was after her funeral, and we were at my Aunt's house talking to family that had flown in from all over the country. I was about 14 at this time...There were a lot of people I didn't know as they were distant family, or friends from my Grandmother and Grandfather's church. There I met who would become my cousin's life partner Jenn.

After we had met, I went into my Aunt's library to think...but mostly to cry alone about the loss of my Gramma. Jenn came up to check on me and thats when I found out who she was to my cousin and that my aunt was also a lesbian.

I guess that was when I first realized that it wouldn't be crazy for me to feel the way I did, but I was still rather unsure...Throughout high school I was very close to one of my best friends and she knew of how I felt deep down, and has always been very accepting....

I am 22 years old now, and honestly have never had a real relationship with a woman, and yet here I am...married...wondering what might have been. I fell in love with my husband a few months after I turned 18, and he knows of my attraction/fascination with women....I have told him a number of times that if anything were to happen to him, that he could rest assured that he would be the last man in my life in that sense...he knows that I am in my heart of hearts a gay woman, and very accepting of it.

I know there are women out there who have a relationship on the side with another woman or whose husbands don't know about their sexuality, but mine does...I feel comforted in that sense that hey, he knows, and I would like to think he understands...We believe that you don't choose who you fall for. Things just happen...I can't say that I am 100% sure we will remain strong together through this, but I have faith..and I believe in faith all things can be done.

I love women, in every sense of the word...but being married I make the personal choice to not be involved...It wouldn't be fair to either party and I don't know that I could handle it.

That's my story..what's yours?

sarahsinwithme sarahsinwithme 22-25, F 81 Responses Aug 30, 2008

Your Response


I am a lesbian, secretly in love with my best man friend. I will do everything for him even now, that he is happy in his relationship with his girlfriend.
I try to be around him all the time, since all our friends know, we are best friends, but now that he has his girl is starting to be a little more complicated.
I don't know what to do...

Me and my future wife are in a relationship. She is lesbian and im straight, she has the need to date other women and im not ok with that .we love each other and she believes that she will find me sexually attractive in the future .she continues to call herself lesbian while in a relationship with me,a man . She doesn't want to lose me but she needs to decide if she wants wonen or me ,the love of her life .i am not ok with being married with her while she get into relationships with other wonen .i need loyalty in marriage. .please help!

For all you "lesbians" replying saying you're gay and have a many of you have actually had a real long-term relationship with a woman? I don't mean live with your boyfriend and have a girlfriend on the side or a triad either. I'm talking one on one. Vagina y vagina. Try actually being in a long term relationship with a woman while you're both on your period, house is a mess, no food in the kitchen because SOMEONE didn't go grocery shopping after work like they promised they would, and then she informs you your Saturday is now booked because it's her monotoned homophobic mother's birthday at her parents house and she wants you to wrap the present she got that's going to be from the both of you. Now multiply that by several times throughout the year with added sexual harassment/stares/gawking/cat calling/homophobic slurs from people. Still a lesbian?

My wife was very open with me, before we even started dating, that she was a Lesbian. I am a man, and we love each other very much, and are viewed by many of our friends and family as a, "perfect" couple, even though my wife is, "Out" and very open about who she is. We believe that because of her preference, our relationship is more about two people, just people, who love each other, rather than a "man" and a "woman".
My wife is free to enjoy the company of other women and I have always been fine with that. We have our relationship, and that's ours, and we have never felt the need to explain ourselves to anyone, we don't mind when people question, (And they do!) and no matter how we explain they still seem confused, but we know, and that's all that really matters. The same is true for you in your situation, if you're both happy, then nothing else, and no one else, matters.

What is to understand to this? The only thing I understand about what you girls do, is that you are being selfish.
In your logic, how can you say that you are in love with a guy and still think as if he makes the exception? How can you call that love? It is not love. It is just a "place where you feel safe" when you are affraid.
I am a lesbian, had a boyfriend, almost engaged. He knew about me. I was still possing as a bisexual. I could of stayed and pretend it's ok because he was so wonderful. I could not even think about using him. How selfish can someone be? Why would I keep someone next to me when I know it's not fair towards him? Why lie when I can just give him the freedom to actually be loved in the true sense of the word by a woman who is actually into guys and no hiding by the world lesbian inside? So you think this is love? No huns! This is a huge fat lie. It's easy to pretend and actually convince youreelf that you love him than to face the real world and go out there and be yoUrself. It's scary, right? At least the world wont judge you when you are with a guy. But I wonder how can so many of you actually pretend you love him. Don't confuse admiration for a nice guy with love. Love is love... and nice guys are many.
Comfort is not love. Comfort is just an easier way to not face reality of your true self.
So you know nothing about love. Nothing at all.
this is not even bisexuality. Bisexuality is as well something clear. When you can fall in love with any sex but it wont be an "exception". When you are really in love, you will not think of even breaking up with the person. no matter the sex of that person, it's all you think about. You may feel attracted to another person, but to say you miss a full relationship with a woman when you are with a guy and say you love him, makes it clear to me how fake it is. Keep lying to yourselves. You do a good job.

Thank you for being you.... and me. ♥. Word for word I have told my hubby the same and felt the same as you. So happy to see someone else gets to some extent my feelings. :-)

When married a nice guy from church our families were thrilled. I was 27 I had never had sex before marriage. I did not see what the fuss was about it was almost a duty. I just thought we had rest of our lives to work on it. My lack of desire made him feel rejected and sadly he became abusive. I thought this was my fault. As I was christian and everything else in our relationship was so good. The person in the bedroom just seemed like someone else. Fast forward 10 yrs and one child later. I know I need help and I finaly ask. At the same time I became attracted to a woman, more power fully than I could imagine. We did not have a relationsip I have never been in a lesbian relationship. Since then I know though that I am only interested in sex with women. I seperated from my husband a year ago. Now I am faced with a decision to divorce and find a woman; or move back and have a platonic relationship with my husband who deeply regrets his actions and is having ongoing councelling.
I believe God blesses and ordains faithful homosexual unions as he does hetrosexual unions it has taken me a journey to get to that place. Blessings

I'm only 18 I know I like women my 1st crush when I was 11 was my best friend who was a girl but I am really unsure whether or not I like men I know I have a need for male attachment because my father abandoned me when I was young.

I am currently in a relationship with a guy but I can feel my self drifting from him I find it difficult to be sexually attracted to him hes not the 1st boyfriend I have had that i have thought this way about.

it makes me really sad though because I'm sacred I wont find anyone because I am really shy with girls and I have never been past kissing one.

I'm not sure if I am lesbian and I identify as bisexual but I feel so confused.

I am a lesbian but I'm in love with my current boyfriend. It's glad to know I am not ALONE :)

I am pretty much the same. I love my boyfriend to death. We've known each other for 7 years and have been together for 1 year. I've loved females since I was in 6th or 7th grade. In highschool I came to terms that I just don't like guys like that. I love women and I've never denied that. Being with him is wonderful. He's understanding that I like women. I always say he's my one exception and he knows that. I'm not attracted to any other man and can never see myself being like that. He and I check out women together, but I never check out men 'cause I'm interested. He and I know what I am and how I feel. Because of my lack of attraction towards any man besides him, I consider myself gay and he knows that. I always hate trying to explain that to other people because they just don't understand. Yes, I am in love with a man. Yes, I have sex a man and enjoy it. But to me that doesn't change who I am inside, a lover of women. I am and will always be a lover of women. I just happened to fall in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I fell in love with him for his insides and that's all that should matter.

i am a straight man married to a butch lesbian. We we fell in love at first sight.It could not work out. I was a fearsome rugby player scared of sexual contact with women. She was sexually very active. But it did , Thirty years later we are still in love. As for sex we
have done it all. But not recently; although we did destroy a bed this spring. Love will always find a way.

I just wanted to experience my story with all you women out here, I decided I was lesbian sometime when I was 5 but at the age I wasn't sure, I remember always having weird feelings about girls but I was still attracted to little boys but it was always a different feeling. at the age of 15 I met this girl in High School I was so in love with her but never said anything. after high school, I started dating men never fully had a serious relationship slept with a couple but I was never satisfied, Until, I rekindled after 8 years of not seeing that girl I was in love with back in High school she felt the same way and we started seeing each other but it's been a battle, she says she loves me but has a man on the side all the time. after a year of battling with my emotions I cut contact with her and now she's back even though she's dating a new guy forgot to mention she has a son, I am fully out of the closet and she hates the fact that people thought we were together because I was always seen like the friend. I don't know what to do it's such a confusing situation

I am 52 now I was married to a lesbain for 23 yrs it we had children I worked endlessly to support my family. And hoped for the best everyday to say I was the loneliest husband in the room is an understatement. She only used me . towards the end I was not only supporting my family but her bulldyke. you are using your husband . stop the charade you are a user. You are not a victim because you are gay you are a user your husband is in denial and you use this to keep him as a pet, most likely financially. set this man free if you and your lesbain have any humanity but you wont because you as most lsbains are USERS

I am a straight male. I pursued a relationship a while ago with a woman who is all intents and purposes gay, yet still had feelings for me. It didn't work out. She's in a healthy and stable relationship now with another woman like she's always wanted. I never really understood how she can have feelings for me yet still be gay. I really thought it was just her and that she was just confused. After reading all of your stories, however, I realize I was the confused one all along. I see now that if things would've worked out the way I would've wanted, she would be bearing too heavy of a burden that I wouldn't want her to carry for me. It has given me a new sense of closure about the whole situation. I know now we're both better off being friends and looking for our one true loves somewhere else. From the other side of the coin, thank you all with sharing your experiences with me.

I am in the same boat. Except mine let me have a gf. He knows he can't change me but I miss having a real full time girlfriend. I'm actually breaking it off with her because its pulling me away from him. I've been gay since i was 10 and only dated women.

I'm 25. I have been with my partner(male) since we were 16. Even when we first met I told him I liked women. My mum actually asked me when I was 11 if I was gay. I didn't know myself at that time and I said no.

I truly feel that I am gay, 1000% but my partner and I have such a good relationship and understanding, we are comfortable with each other and we meet each others needs in every sense. But it does feel like a lie at times, not to myself but to others when I try explain our situation.
My partner and I get it. We know where we stand, we love each other, and we care for each other. But I don't fit a box by societies standard, and it doesn't bother me, but it bothers others so there are times where I am upset by that.

Idk I'm rambling now, don't know if this has made sense

kool you dd it..

I'm in such a confusing and worrying situation right now. I love my boyfriend, and we've been together for over two years - since I was 17 and he 18. We're living together, a stable relationship; whilst we've both had our issues, we've pulled through and supported each other. But since we've been together, I've become aware that I am not attracted to men anymore. I am a lesbian, and I want a lesbian relationship! I love my boyfriend and I would never wnat to hurt him - breaking up is practically unthinkable. Like your husband, my boyfriend is aware of my feelings, but I don't think he understands how deep it runs. I don't know what to do.

We very much alike met my husband at 18 he knew about me liking girls I'm now 22 he tells me I'm 90% lesbian the other 10% is for him lol, should read my story :)

you know there are several ways u can make other women involved in equation of ur relationship as well...being married and living in a three way relationship might be good for u guys

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Such women are more accurately known as bi-sexual -- women who are attracted to both sexes. Men may also be bi-sexual being attracted to both genders. Why the concern over labels?

Please help me can you consider yourself a lesbian and still say you fell in love with a man? How is that possible? Lesbians don't feel attracted to men (if they are honest) and, as such, could never fall in love with a man. Gay men are gay men and lesbians are lesbians. Or is this whole thing on a continuum that you slide up and down depending on your.....mood? Is the problem that we should just loosen up on the whole issue of sexuality and let anybody love (or get the hots for) anybody, have sex with anybody and express affection for anybody they feel it for? WHOA!!! There is a concept! Is that what this is all about? Labels? Wow...what if we went back to the idea that my sexuality is none of your business and let everyone express their sexuality however they want to. Oh...but we have the morality problem, don't we? Well....I don't bother over that much.

You think he's heterosexual or homophobic when he just said that he thought it would be good for anyone to be able to express sexual love for anyone without being called a lesbian or gay? Are you even thinking?

I am also a lesbian married to a straight man. He knows that I am "queer", but not that I am a lesbian. This is a truth that I have acknowledged periodically throughout my past, but never truly adhered to...if that makes any sense. I have been going to counseling recently to help facilitate a dialogue that I will one day have with my husband...when I "come out" to him as a lesbian.

I plan to remain monogamous to him, if that is what he wishes. I made that promise when we got married and I see no reason, for me personally, that I should not honor it. We are not currently sexually active, but we enjoy many other non-sexual activities together. We are affectionate (closed-mouth kisses and cuddling) and that seems to be enough for the both of us. We each have "alone-time" in which we satisfy other needs.

The truth is, I am happy and he says he is happy as well. I married my best friend. We absolutely love spending time with one another and we care deeply for each other. We run a fairly successful household, including two dogs and a bunny. It is understood that we will not be having children. He accepts that and I am more than thrilled with that. I have no desire whatsoever for motherhood. I recently had a tubal occlusion to ensure that is not a concern in the future and he was supportive of that decision.

I don't believe that every marriage needs to be based on romantic love and physical attraction. We have a very rewarding, very deep, and very functional relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and friendship. I see no reason to change that. :)

I know straight couples wish they could hold it together as you both have

My wife is very traditional and we enjoyed an active sex life up until we were in our 70's when I prostate cancer. Radioactive seeding and anti-androgen treatments suppressed my testosterrone so much that I have grown c cup breasts and my penis is now a clitoris in my mangina. My estrogen is taking over and i feel more like a woman even though I still dress and act like a man. We now make love like two lesbians in bed and it is wonderful. I hve found the joy in having a female ****** deep in my body instead of externally as a man. Love knows no gender!

It sounds like you have a really good thing going on here. I especially like and appreciate your staying true to him within the marriage and not looking for anything sexual outside of it.

Marriage does not mean it has to be based on sex, it is love not lust thatmakes a marriage,
I know now what I didn\'t know before, sex is good but it is not he end to be all. Sooner or later we all loose the ability to have sex. I did and my wife did after we both went thru cancer treatments. Now we value the life we have together and go forth holding hands. I still enjoy sexand now make love to myself while she watches and shares my pleasures. see my profile.

Thank you. Thank you for what you wrote and how you are and, well, just being.
I wasn\'t looking for anything here really, but your situation is the exact situation I am in with my partner. And the bottom line is that we are happy. Even if it does fly in the face of societies expectation of sexuality and relationships.
Thank you.

2 More Responses

I love my boyfriend he is a great guy and I do care for him. I just feel like I'm not supposed to be with a man. I care about him deeply but I can't help but think I am missing out on something. I admire your strength and dedication. I wish I could some how push through it but I can feel the turmoil destroying my happiness and ultimately his. Good luck and best wishes thank you for sharing.

I found out when I was five years old in Kin that I was attracted to girls! When every girl in my classroom was attracted to a certain boy and I didn't understand why? I ignored that side of me until I was 15 and had a chance to be with a girl but backed out afraid, I got married to a man at 17 and we have been together 8 years and me being attracted to girls have taken its toll on our marriage. I am not happy but afraid to move on because we have children together. I usually wonder if If I could ever be happy in this relationship? Thanks for sharing your story and its good to know I am not the only lesbian out there married to a man!

"I usually wonder if If I could ever be happy in this relationship?"

Life isn't perfect, and it sounds like you've allowed it to progress to the point where it would do more bad than good to end it.

its at least part comforting to know that I am not alone. I wish you well in your quest for happiness. w.

I mean there isn't anything better than being content. The fact of you being so sincere and honest to your husband is truly remarkable. My story on the other hand: Been with men all my life, wasn't until my second year of college that I started hanging out with peers who were bisexual. Found myself completely infatuated with women, had tons of flings here and there only a small time frame of a year. Wasn't until I met a women significantly older than I am that I completely settled down. Ever since I kissed a women, as cliche as this may sound I found myself. Never have I desired a man ever since, and this has been going on for many years now. Don't know if I'm going crazy, especially that where I come from isn't really the friendliest place to do so. However, I refuse living a life where I don't find myself the happiest being, to neglect a life where I believe was made for me regardless of any circumstances, a life I find simply to be ME.

It is interesting to see your take on things. I am happy for you that you have made your mind up that since you are knee deep in your marriage that you would never let a lesbian relationship cloud who, how, and what you are and believe yourself to be. There are so many people who willingly live in silence to themselves and their spouses and you are open and free enough to not put yourself into that situation. I also think you are really honest and I sincerely respect you for saying that the next relationship you find yourself in after (God forbid) the passing of your hubby will be with a woman. In the meantime you have no interest in looking into a relationship with another woman although that is essentially where you have an interest in pursuing possibly on a permanent basis if things workout.

I am a bi-woman who has been married to the same man for more than 50 years {I am 77}. He knows of my womanly desires and never has interfered with it in any way. Presently, I meet on a twice monthly basis with other women who are unsatisfied with their current sex life for one reason or another and help them understand that the love of a woman is never wrong. If you want more details, just ask me dear...

So beautiful of you to guide women like us. Thank you. Xo.

My dear, I would love to become part of your circle, a friend too if it be your desire.

And may I assume {quite dangerous I know} that you are Sarah? Of course, I would love to add you to My circle of friends.

Hello I respect your relationship my nephew is come out at 19 and is open with family.I WAS SAPOSED TO MARRY A GUY WHO WaNTED T MOVE OUT OF HIS FAMLIES HOUSE he was 43 and we knew each other eight years. He hadva quick wedding to a old service friend so as to hind her from her family and him to get his inhertanch as he vsaid to me I am hidding my 90 thou for her she wants a house It devistated me to think I was the pawn befor the pawn I TRUELY Loved this man wish I had talked with thrapist over his betrayal.yes his brther even played along bought liqou booked. And paid for hall ran out and boght suit he Was pushing like the two brothers so close were pulling a fast one on old rich dad. YOU SEEM REAL NICE BUT I called three days beforwedding and told dad Rich old dad wbole story he was shocked I am shure rich old dad told sons they said I lied but never told bride dad knows her husband may be cut out and all would fail no help fro rich old dad for that brand new house.Kind strange for two brothers who used to share **** vedios straight I AM TOLD.It is so darn deceptive and his dad had a mistress for over 22 years and still does.MY FIRST HUSBAND MARRIED ME WHEN I was in service to help him hide in military I am against using a partner for public gain and etrax money than becomming abusive when they find out it is a sham based on financial wish and aparment house and finnacial gain only no love just telling people its love.

This literally brought me to tears...I've been battling 'confusion' for quite some time now, and I'm married to a man-we also have two kids together. Honestly, I never thought about whether I liked girls or boys- I didn't know there was an option! I do remember staying away from girls and keeping guy friends around because I've always felt the need to impress girls more than guys, but, again, I didn't think too much into it. I can remember trying to hold hands with girls on the playground and trying to kiss one of my friends in kindergarten, but everyone freaked out and I got kicked out of school, so I dropped it and let go. When I was in my seventh grade year of school, I met a girl that made me feel differently than anyone else ever had, but I didn't dare say anything. My mom always made it clear that she loved gay people, but couldn't condone the act because God didn't approve. By high school, I felt the need to make myself be normal, and (like an idiot) started doing what all the other girls were doing...I tried to like guys, had a few "crushes" that never really stuck, and even slept with a few of my guy friends (big mistake, and I was very unfulfilled) but I still always felt like something was missing- like there was a hole in my heart that just never got filled. I met and fell in love with my now husband at 15, and from there I went from sex crazed teenager to mom of two that heaves at the thought of having sex now...Ashley (the girl from middle school) is still my friend, and the only girl I've ever come out about this to-which has actually only been here in last week. I've been in love with her since the moment I laid eyes on her, but I never had the guts to tell her. Now we're both married with kids and just found out that we've both felt the same way about each other for the last 9 years! Luckily I can talk to her about it, so I'm not completely alone, but I'm still scared to open up to my husband because I'm still confused about it all. I'm really relieved to see that there are so many other women out there experiencing the same thing- Yay, I'm not broken!! Thank you ladies for sharing your stories...thank you all so much!

My dear, the two of you should consummate your desires for each other at least onc time. As for your husbands, there is no need to share with them or to feel guilty if you don't. You are showing great love to your hubby's by being the mother's of their children ...

this is exactly how I feel with my current situation, have you found any solution?

I am also a lesbian married to a man. At times I find myself wondering what could it been like to be with a women and if I'm missing out, but then I remember the commitment that I have made through marriage and it all fades away.

That was a touching story. Thank you for posting. Ralph n Biloxi

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you!


A site for girls and their admire.


WOW! That is so ME. Except I am 27 and I have had relationships with women in the past, but my heart was in it much more than hers, we were together for 10 yrs, she and I both had relationships with men at the same time, but when I decided to marry my best friend(my husband now) she cut me out completely. I was heart broken because she was the one who never wanted to be exclusive with me and always wanted a boyfriend on the side.
My husband is very supportive and has let me be with another woman just for sex, but we both decided that was not what we wanted considering diseases and such.I still think about women A LOT, but havent acted on it in about 4 yrs now. I really don't like penis, but I love my husband. It is comforting to know there are other women out there who live this way.

If you don't like penis but love your husband (as seems to be a very common there here) then the CB-6000 is the right toy for you! :) Seriously though, male chastity play is becoming an increasingly popular activity for loving couples who can't have sex for whatever reason. It gives theman a kinky adventure with which to occupy his boundless appetite, while letting the woman have her sexual freedom.

My view on lesbians from a gay male who simply cant see or feel it as it is well boring compared to men. Rant: Actually men are way sexier than any woman. Hence why there are many more gay guys than gay women. To me woman are only pretty but totally sexless and non sexual so cant see how that is more 'sexy' than a man. Sex with woman = boring to me<br />
Every part of the male body changes and becomes manly and sexier whereas the female body other than getting hips and boobs stays much the same as when as before pubitity. People go on about the female shape etc. Ok she gets **** and a big but or hip but what else ? Truth is she everything else on a woman stays the same as when she grew up. For example.<br />
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1) Female skin stays the same as before after puberty as before. However men skin changes and gets manly. You cant deny this as its a fact. Womans skin stays the same as when they were little girls. No so with men!<br />
2) Men again developed more than women round the chin and jawline. They get sexy manly stubble. Women’s jaw stays the same as before they hit puberty. Nothing there changes once again. Obliviously facial hair is only seen as attractive on men and certainly not on women but I say this as to POINT OUT women hardly change from being 12 year old girls! And I certainly don’t think 12 year olds are sexual attractive hence fail to understand how anyone for a second could say women are more sexy when they basically are kids just taller.<br />
3) Womens hands stay the same as kids hands. Small and nothing changes YET again when they grow up into women. BUT mens hands develop and become strong and manly. You can see the change in a mans hands when he grows up but women’s hands simply don’t change from being a 12 year old girl. Fact.<br />
4) Men get macho sexy hairy manly chests. <br />
5) Men get strong manly arms BUT yet again women’s arms rarely change to when they were kids.<br />
6) Men get six packs but women don’t – not really .<br />
7) Men get sexy sideburns. Again nothing changes on the female form there and stays the same as when they were KIDS.<br />
Do you want me to go ? As I can. What the hell does change on a woman to when she was a 12 year old girl/kid ?? She just gets **** and hips!!! But nothing else. Just like a kid and how is that sexy or sexier than a strong hunky macho man. No compition there and if you work it out overall men are more poplour than women for both genders when it comes to sexual attraction.<br />
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More gay men than gay women = more straight woman and people overall fancy MEN. Why because there are more women that are straight and more gay men. It is logical.<br />
<br />
People can say I am ranting and I am really not caring if I write this in a lazy way but I know I have made a lot of truthful points.<br />
<br />
Women are pretty but sexy or sexually attractive???? Not for me and certainly not as sexy, fulfilling and sexual satisfying as a man.<br />
<br />
I have tried sex with a woman although I thought what is the point ? But did so and it only confirmed that women don’t turn me on at all. It was the most sexually unsatisfying experience I have ever gone through with.<br />
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Personally I think lesbians are getting a raw deal and missing out big time. I don’t understand why you get them when men are more of a turn on to look at and be with. I think lesbians are basically a joke . Just cant see the sexiness in women . They are boring and non sexual compared to men to me.

That's all your own personal opinion though! Of course you find men more attractive, you're wired that way! And that whole statistic that there are more gay men than gay women is also not useful for your argument because opinion does not determine sexuality, sexuality determines opinion!! Also, your rant is entirely irrelevant to the story.

Omg, this was the funniest thing I read all day! I love you for writing all of it. Even though I personally disagree and have a hard time finding a guy to be sexy and it was totally irrelevant to the post, it's okay! I think it's interesting reading different people's perspectives on things. :)

That was hilarious. I think it is kind of great you are this 100% gay and not one bit confused. You do get how totally irrational it is right?
Just look at all the art and literature and poetry inspired by the beauty of women, I guess all those artist were totally delusional, huh? Sure, there has been some stuff inspired by male beauty as well, at least 5% or so.

That is offensive and stupid rubbish. I find all of the things you mentioned extremely unattractive. Men are not physically or emotionally attractive to me in any way at all, hence why I like women.

I understand 'you' like men. You should get it in your head other people DO NOT like men in that way and find women infinitely sexier and more attractive.

1 More Response

It's been amazing reading all of these responses. Here is my story. Since I was a teenager I've always identified as bisexual, though as an adult my religion and family influence convinced me that I was simply trying to "get attention" and that being gay or bisexual was evil and wrong. I married my high school sweetheart right after graduation, and we've been together for over 10 years now and have two beautiful boys together. Only recently - after leaving my religion - did I realize that I really, truly am bisexual. And that was solidified when I fell head-over-heels for one of my best friends. I told her about my infatuation with her and was shocked when she said she felt the same way about me. She's also married with two children. What followed was something amazing - our husbands both supported us in basically creating our own relationship. We both love our husbands, but we also love each other. I'd never heard of the term "polyamory" before, but now identify as polyamorous - able to love and hold a relationship with more than one person at a time. It has worked well for all involved - our husbands hang out together while we go on "girl dates" or hang out and watch movies together, and they still have plenty of time with their wives in strong and loving relationships. This is where things get even more complicated... this friend, whom I now consider my girlfriend, was talking one night about other guys she finds attractive. It was almost shocking to me when I realized that I didn't find any of them attractive at all; in fact, if I was honest with myself, I found no other man attractive aside from my husband. He and I have not only a loving and committed relationship, but I find him incredibly sexy and we have an amazing sex life. But thinking about having sex with any other guy is almost borderline disgusting to me. That said, I find many, many women attractive and fantasize daily about other women. This has become a bit of a private joke with my husband - we joke that he is my "only exception." That aside from him I am a true blue lesbian. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. On the flip side I know that if something were to happen to him, my next partner would most definitely be a woman. He's incredibly, undeniably supportive of the way I feel and we both feel very secure in our marriage and our relationship, even with me dating another woman simultaneously. I have no idea if I'm alone in this - most of the time I just feel like I'm crazy. But no one can deny what they feel, and you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone you're not. It's just as simple as that.

Im married with 3 young kids, and I love my husband, but every since I was a little girl I've been attrached to the same sex. My husband thinks I should follow that attraction and experiment. I'm afraid I might find the right girl and want to leave him. I could not bring myself to do such a thing. I have done things with an old friend from school. We did stuff in our school age days and recently. But it all made me sick to my stomach! I just don't get it. Am I just not into her, or am I only gay with the thought of being gay. That's what I ask myself all the time. I mean I married my husband while I was still in High School and every since we've been like "two peas in a pod" lol...Everything about our realationship is great. Except the sex part. He doesn't have in short comings in the bedroom or nething I just can't seem to get newhere unless I'm thinking of a woman or watching lesbian **** right before. It's not like I have time to get out there and find Miss right Im a mom and a busy one at that! Between 3 kids work and being a wife I don't have time for myself yet alone a real realationship with someone else. I guess I just wanted to post this to get my thoughts out there and see if neone else feels the same way about their sexuality!

You are not alone! There seem to be hundreds of women on here with the same situation. Married to a man but attracted to women. All I know is that a CB-6000 can be very powerful at sending the message that the bedroom is for sleeping, not sex.

Hello Confusion. You have to look at it this way: not every women will do. I used to be similarly confused. I felt attraction to women but when I took it further it just didn't work at all, no spark. Till I met the right woman.
You have to stop expecting that if you are bi or gay, any woman should do.
After all, imagine making out with any random guy. Even perfectly straight woman will only feel attraction to a pretty small percentage of men.
I felt so mad at myself for not understanding this once I finally went to bed with a woman that was just right for me. It was really a shock. I didn't imagine things could be so good.... At the same time it was a relief since it explained so much about what happened before. Now I can tell right the way which women will float my boat and keep the other ones for friends.

I think it makes more sense, if you sense you may not last, to go ahead and call it quits. not be fast and hurtful, but if your husband knows you both owe it to yourself and not wind up 49 and not in love and have to wonder what might have been. if your close, stay close. if you dont feel happy and know you desire women then get out there and live your life girl. we only get one. there wont be a chance to get back x amount of years in a loveless or lustless marriage. if its too painful to leave or you feel you love him too much to leave then open that marriage right up and invite in another partner that is into men and women. with great communication all things are possible. do not force yourself to live in societies box.

Wao!!! Im living the same same situation:(

Very very recognizable... <br />
I'm in almost the same situation as you are. Know how it feels. <br />
Wish I had answers for you... but am also still looking for them :-)

Wow, you are very strong and brave! I wish you well. I've been married 25 years now and it is sooooooooo hard to keep the facade up! Just know it WILL NOT get easier with time. It's tough to think of the would, shoulda, coulda of ones lost youth and think of what could have been. I'm 49, I love my wife, but........sometimes you wonder is love enough?

Hey Ellefem, I realize how hard it would be, but I think you have to tell your wife about who you really are. Keeping secrets only tears you up inside. And plus, she might accept you for who you are, and it might make you love her even more. All I know is that hiding things from your spouse is never a good idea.


I am also a married woman who is madly in love with a gal..i can't stop thinking about her day and night but i love my husband too..He knw dat i am different but he want me to change back as it was with him before i met the gal.<br />
I dont knw what to do in this situation.He has only given me 1 month to decide wether he wants to live with him or to live with her.<br />
I am so confused right now ..

Im so happy i found this topic. Its making me feel a little bit less alone. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, living common law for 6 years and 9 months ago i met a lesbian. Few months later it all made sense - why i never really cared about having sex that much, it seemed rather boring while always feeling sexual drive bottled up. <br />
But i simply cant give my boyfriend up. He is like my family. He is strong, makes me feel safe and we amazingly connect emotionally. After literally 9 months of running from one to another, both of them calling me a liar and giving me **** on occasion for my behavior.. how can i explain. She wants me and i want her, i love him and he loves me. I broke up with him and he did everything to get me back, including stalking me like a maniac until i talked to him, getting another place to give me space and welcome me there anytime. When im with her i miss him so much. But i cant. Im a lesbian and every friggin time i see butch girls walking by me i lose my head, my judgement, lose the ground under my feet... All i can picture is how amazingly hot they are and the things i wanna do to them:)... <br />
I told my bf that i would love to stay with him if he lets me occasionally see women. He is scared i will run off with a butch girl but.. i think our emotional connection is amazing and no one will replace that. <br />
Its extremely friggin hard. I wish love was black and white.<br />
Im literally goin crazy thinking about women, even right now its driving me insane! its like years of unexpressed closeted emotions, feelings, sex drive tryng to come out... sex we had with my last gf was so intense and amazing and cuddling was like drowning in her arms.... but i cant leave my bf, bond between us is too strong, i keep on coming back. 9 month worth of pure nervewrecking drama.

I feel the same exact way but I'm married with two girls

Wow I almost cried reading all of this. This is me this is what I'm going through. I have been married less than a year. And my husband knew I was Bi when we married. Little did I know 5 months into our marriage I would have what felt like a mid life crisis. I was coming to the realization that I am a lesbian. But like you all say I love him and want to make him feel good and I can't imagine my life without him. It's crazy. But I also feel lonely and sad. It's so nice to know others feel the same way. He knows I am he knew it before me. We tried to have an open marriage and he couldn't handle me being intimate with someone else. I get that. No matter how much I wanted an open marriage I was having a hard time hurting him. Bottom line I was never with someone else. Now I feel like I'm waiting and hoping for the best. I need help! Is there anyone I can talk to?.... Please message me!!

hey there ! :)

Trust me u r not alone and I have my own experiences .. I m there as a companion to listen to ur side and dillemma .. u can always message me ..

You say he is okay with this. Have you discussed experimenting with your bi side and taking a female friend into your circle of friends?

You are very lucky he is who he is my husband was not and I fully believe that it is possible to remain married even though you have to be able to accept that although you will be happy as you have made that choice you may never be truly content in that happiness I would have stayed married if he wasnt so homophobic but he was and that was just to much I always will love him but couldnt live like that

I totally know where you are coming from If my husband would have accepted my sexuality and supported my choice to remain with him I would have stayed in my marriage I loved him and my family the life we built but when I told him even though I was not seeing anyone he totally freaked and wouldnt even let me listen to melissa etheridge songs lol he would watch me to see if I looked at a hot girl as she walked by and said mean hateful things about gay people I could not live like that so I left

you rock!

I'm so afraid that that's what will happen to me after I tell my husband. A part of me deep down really wants to be on my own and free. But the other part of me thinks that that is selfish of me because we have 2 kids together. His views on gay people are, "I don't care as long as they don't bother me!" and that's only after I reason with him that gay people deserve the same right as a straight person. But he says, "If we allow gay marriage, what's next? It'll be legal to marry your dog!?" So that's why I'm so scared to tell him, that I am more attracted to women than men. He's also the jealous type. Like extremely jealous! He gets so angry if I tell him about a guy friend of mine because he thinks I'm going to cheat on him! I've just been so stressed about all of this I can't stop crying! I don't want my life to change, on behalf of my kids, but I don't wanna keep this secret forever and then resent my husband for the rest of my life.

My situation falls into this category. It's a little different. I am a 32 year old man and my best friend is a "lesbian" I put it in quotes because we have recently started to have sex. When i say sex I mean SEX. like jackrabbits. She obviously enjoy's it when it's happening it is just the in between stuff that is weird. it's tough because I would love to be with her. We have a great friendship and I know she loves me, I just wonder if she can ever be "in love" with me. i am starting to think it is possible or that maybe she already is in some way and not admitting it but at the same time i have to protect my heart. Part of me thinks the best thing to do is just stop having sex, but thats almost impossible. She has only had sex with one other guy and this was like 10 years ago. She has always been with women and I know that is her preference. At the same time however we are now pretty much having sex. I mean numerous times and it is always for a long time. If she wasn't into it you would think she would either stop it when its happening or not let it happen again right? I really don't know what to do here. Im thinking we try to bring another girl home and see what happens? I am just getting a little annoyed that she is still calling herself gay but having sex with me. She is obviously being selfish knowing how I feel about her and having sex with me but still claiming we cant be together. i also know that maybe I need to just except the fact that she is gay, but I mean what am i supposed to think if we are litterally sleeping together now? Any advice here would be appreciated. Also just so you guys can understand her a little better. She was abused when she was young and I believe it has effected her sexually. She doesnt want me doing oral and I am starting to think that she doesn't let girls do it either. I am starting to think she is one of those "giver" only types with chicks so having sex with me is totally different to what she is used to. At the same time when we have sex I am in total control. Recently she has been getting a little more "used to me" if you know what I mean. less painful. I have always been gentle with her about that. i am in no way trying to make it uncomfortable for her. I want her to like it. it's not like I am just railing her for the sake of railing her. This is my best friend we are talking about here not just some chick Im f*%king. She is sort of the tomboy type. We pretty much dress alike, but she is so damn cute naked. All woman and I love that. We also seem to both get pretty good looking girls. She also gets jealous of me and other woman and was like that even before we started having sex. I think I could be open to us having an open relationship and let her have fun with woman as long as I can do the same. I would have to be the only guy though. This I know for a fact. If I ever found out she was having sex with another guy I think I would snap. Another thing I worry about is that I know a lot of woman in the lesbian community tend to get upset when a so-called lesbian is having sex with a guy and I wonder if this is also coming into play here in her mind. i also want everyone who is reading this to understand that I have nothing against a person being gay and i always tend to get along with gay woman. If she is full out gay i will find a way to accept it and move on. i just think that if she really is a lesbian she needs to stop sleeping with me. NOT FAIR.

Hmmm!!! She is obviously a bi-sexual and wants the best of both worlds. You can't really give her an ultimatum as apparently she is not the one in love but you. You are setting your heart up for a heartbreak as it may take her a very long time to decide if she wanna go this way or that or just continue to play the field. Best bet is try not get any more emotionally attached as you are now and try dating a straight girl. Or you could confess how you feel to her and if she still continue insisting she is not straight then let her be. Remember sometime when you allow the bird to fly free it sometimes come right back to you. Good luck on your decision but remember its very hard for a woman who is so much into a woman to finally give up a woman totally for a man, not impossible but difficult.

Thank you for your input. Unfortunatlly our friendship is basically over at this point. After we continued to have sex and her be in denial I started seeing someone else. My "gay" friend treated my new girl like **** and basically gave me the "choose between us" crap even though she swears she has no real feelings for me. I took this as a slap in the face to both me and the new girl in my life. Not fair and definataly not something a real friend would do. it sucks because i love her and i miss her but I can't continue to have her **** with me. Part of me still feels that she does have feelings for me that she can't admit for different reasons. I figure the distance is necessary right now but I cant stop thinking about her. It's kind of sad. I guess time reveals all answers.

Hey,<br />
<br />
Don't really know where to start, when I was in my teenage years I had many relationships with women and enjoyed being a lesbian....however I am now a 21 year old lesbian and I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years, we live together and we never ever argue. I love him so much, but I also long for women....I just can't stop torturing myself about what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman and in all honesty I wish that my boyfriend was a woman. I have always known from a very young age that I was a lesbian, but I fell in love with my current boyfriend anyway. We don't have sex as when he touches me it makes me feel 'dirty' like it isn't normal, but we have a great relationship on an emotional level and I can't imagine not being with him. He knows that I am attracted to women because I have told him so many times and he is accepting of this, I honestly don't know what to do, I feel that if I lose him then I lose everything, as his friends are mine friends too (this is because we met at school and had the same friend network that we still have now). I want to be with him, but I wish so much that he was female. I am paranoid that if I leave him to pursue relationships with women and I don't enjoy being with a woman like I used to then I will regret leaving him and wont be able to get my one love back.....any advise please because this is driving me insane? <br />
<br />

Ask yourself this. If your boyfriend was OK with you having a girlfriend would that make you happy? And if that girl was accepting of you having a boyfriend and all three of you were OK with it, would that make you happy? Do you love your boyfriend or are you in love with him? there is a difference and do you just enjoy having sex with a woman or you enjoy being with a woman as you do with a man? again there is a difference. Have you ever been in love with a woman or you just enjoy being sexual with one? The answer to these questions may put you in a better frame of mind to deal with your current situation.

tell him this. tell him all of this. the best thing is to be completely open with him and you both coming up with a compromise, a solution, an understanding.

yeah...i read between the lines and not all this article but have u told anyne because i didnt read it and if he doesnt know...lets put it this way,if i was him and u told me after we were married i would kick ur azz!!!! i dont care if i would go to jail!

First of all - read the entire story or don't read it at all. Spamming my story to raise your activity count or w/e is quite lame if you don't even take the time to read it.

If you HAD bothered to read it you would have seen "he knows that I am in my heart of hearts a gay woman, and very accepting of it." - So please - troll elsewhere.

A lesbian choosing to live a straight life? Well that's controversial. rthough the whole point about being gay is that you don't have a choice. Born this way. I think this was written by a guy.

It wasn't written by a guy I can assure you that much. You don't seem to understand that you can't help who you fall in love with...Not everything is so black and white.

i am sixteen and i have always been attracted to girls way more than guys. i have a boyfriend that i have been with for just under a year now. i love him and it would make me the happiest person to spend the rest of my life with him, but my desire for girls gets stronger and stronger every day. i would never cheat on my boyfriend, but he knows how im feeling and he fears that i might. knowing that there is a chance that i can control my desires takes a huge weight off my shoulders. now i have hope that we can stay together. thank you.

This really takes a load off my shoulder...I have been married for two years and i can honestly say that I am in love with my husband and we have a beautiful baby girl BUT i am attracted to women in ever way...and have been for as long as I can remember. My parents are pastors so I never even thought about being with a women publicly. I have cheated on my husband twice with two different women and i feel so bad about it but i feel like i would do it again if given the opportunity. I am so lost...everyone look at me and see this perfect housewife and not happy at all and this secrecy is hurting me....i drink a lot and take presc<x>ription drugs like theyre candy...i hate myself for what ive done and for living a lie.

Does your husband knows about your feelings for women? Remember and I use to think the same way too, cheating is cheating no matter if its with a man or woman. Your desire for a woman could just be a physical feeling as you quoted that you are in love with your husband. Is it that you just love the feel and touch of a woman? but not wanting to be in a relationship and be committed to a woman in the same way you are now committed to your husband? Whats killing you more? The fact that you cant be with a woman or the fact that you have cheated and feel bad about it? Have you ever considered discussing it with your husband or the thought of mom n dad and the world finding out as result would kill you? If you continue to yield to the desire I can tell you in time he will find out and the outcome is not gonna be a pretty one. Thread cautiously and think about what it is that you really want. Sex is just sex no matter if its with a man or woman and no matter how different the two may feel. A relationship however is a completely different thing so think on these line as you try to figure out the best way forward.

go find happiness in who you really are... keeping yourself this way is only damaging yourself further... set yourself free is my advice. it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

I totally I am in the SAME situation. My husband knows too. I am also more attracted to women...wish we could meet...then at least we would have someone to talk to...i feel so lonely you?

I am a man who atracted to the lesbians, I think I am a straight man as I am not atracted to other males at all but I dont like being and living with straight women too! I think I am a woman inside, and that is way I think I like lesbian, actualy I do like lesbian! and also I dont want to play men role for straight women, I know it is strang but I think I am a male lesbian!<br />
Can any body help me out!? Please!

Maybe you can find a polyamorus bisexual couple and be with them?

Wow, iike everyone else Im surprised to hear that so many women share the same feeling.<br />
I decided to join this thread because I need your advice!<br />
Im not married but I did meet this really nice guy 3 months ago and we have been involved ever since and I havent been with anybody else, man or woman. I actually met him when I began having these feelings (the same ones you all described). However, Ive never been with a woman and ¨dont feel ready for it because the thought of having sex with a woman or kissing her bringes me a lot of anxiety and I dont want my first experience t be a trauma.<br />
But I feel I own it to myself to try it because the more I think about it the more I catch myself looking at other women and testing myself to see if Id want to sleep with them or go out on a date. Because of that I dont see myself marrying a man because it woldnt be fair to either of us.<br />
Im very confused about what I really want. Ive never had a crush on a woman but I feel something pulls me toward women. At the same I like masculine man and ¨think they are beatiful. But do I feel like that because Im programmed to like men or because thats what I truly feel??<br />
Hence the reason why I need your help!<br />
Should I keep seeing this guy and possibly get into a relationship, which involves meeting his family, kids etc? Or should I ditch him to go find myself? <br />
I dont see us getting married but at the same he makes me so happy when Im around him. I kinda tell myself this is the last guy Ill ever be with...but who knows. I dont want to be involved with a woman at the same time, tho.<br />
Please help!!!

You are obviously bi-curious. Best thing to do before settling down with this guy or any other is explore that side of you that desire a woman. It could be a phase as well as something else but the only way to find out is to go out and indulge yourself. At least at the end of the day you won't be having regrets that you hurt someone or you have to live a lie, etc. Now is the right time to experience that side of you since obviously you cant ignore or fight it completely. Don't make it seem as so much hard work either, being with a woman is very easy and very beautiful and not at all traumatic. Don't try work up yourself into your first experience just allow things to flow and you will be just fine.

I can relate on so many levels and encourage you to read my story as well.

Whats wrong if married women have gfs. I am also a bi sexual and I admire women more than men.<br />
I understand their feelings and how sex is connected to emotional happiness. Sometimes I feel to get *********** by women more than by a man to release my tensions. My hubby knows and does not ob<x>ject.

You're lucky to have an understanding husband. The problem is that some guys aren't secure enough to share their wife with someone else.

I Am Also in the Same Place Right now I am Married to a Great Husband But if aneything was to happen to him i would Not get another one a Woman would be it i'm 35 soon to be 36 and he knows how i feel about being attracted to the same sex and he is 10000% ok with it

One of the best long term relationships for me began when my buddy said his wife wanted a 3some and me to be #3. It was open, no sneaking around corners and hiding things. She loved being loved by two men and we both loved loving her. She taught me much and hubby enjoyed watching her reaction as I went down on her.<br />
<br />
That was a great MWM experience.<br />
<br />
I would have no problem with a MWW experience and be delighted if I knew "my" woman was having a great time with another woman. Hopefully with me present but certainly with just the two of them on their own. when all is open and above board there is no need for jealousy. I say go for it.

If he knows of your feelings and wants you to be truly happy he should be ok with you being with a woman also. The woman i am seeing currently has a woman she calls her wife and we are talking of getting married. It is not a ********* it is something she needs to be whole, full and truly happy. I have no issues with her being in love with this woman as long as she is also in love with me. If she was in love with another man it would be different becuase that would make me wonder what he could give her that i can not. Since i am not a woman i do not have to wonder about that and i know that i am the only man in her life.

I've known my wife for over 20 years. We have been together for 11 years. Married for 4 and have 3 children aged 3 to 8.<br />
<br />
About 6 months ago, she told me she was no longer interested in me, or men in general, at a physical/sexual level and that she has feelings/emotions for other women.<br />
<br />
I don't know how to not want to make love to my wife. I completely adore her and our children. All three were wanted and planned for.<br />
<br />
We had previously talked about things like racism and homophobia. My understanding is that sexual orientation, or at least the general direction, is something that is pretty hard-wired at a few week after conception and it is not a "lifestyle" choice.<br />
<br />
I have always felt a great sorrow for those that have had to suppress themselves to "fit in" to what is "normal".<br />
<br />
I have always told her that if a child of ours found that they were gay then we would try to provide the support and care needed for them to be a self assured, confident individual. In fact it wouldn't be important to us in terms of how we would feel about them.<br />
<br />
But I feel at a total loss on how to behave around my wife.<br />
<br />
I get angry and frustrated. I don't want to leave her, but she doesn't want me. I'm getting depressed. I'm not coping.<br />
<br />
It is hurting the children.<br />
<br />
We had all these lovely dreams about our future. I have a new job starting with a lot more money. We were going to move to another house, one were the children would have a decent garden to play in and to be more comfortable financially. Our garden would be big enough to grow food and to do all those things that financially freedom can help with.<br />
<br />
But instead of that, I have to move out into rented accommodation. I can't afford to run 2 houses. My wife only works part time and can't afford the mortgage by herself. I don't want to have to sell the house and move the kids from the neighbourhood/school/friends.<br />
<br />
I feel totally ******* crap.<br />
<br />
I love her. And I want her to be happy. I know she can't be, won't be, isn't with me.<br />
<br />
I don't want to cheat on my wife. I don't want to be cheated on. I don't want to be in an "open relationship". And I don't want to be married to a lesbian.

Richard, I can sympathize with your situation, as I know someone in you almost identical situation. I swear you wrote what he has expressed. Be assured that not any of you wants this. Your wife doesn't "want" to be gay. You don't want to have to split up your family or share them. The kids don't "want" a separated family. No matter how bad you want or don't want something, it doesn't change what IS. Read as much and talk as much as you can to her and others (ie. support groups, therapists) regarding everything, your wife's newfound sexual preference, divorce and how to go about it...the longer you linger in limbo thinking things may go back to the way things were, the harder it will get. I can imagine that it is easiest to see the negative right now and be paralyzed by fear. Know that with love and communication, you will all be ok.

xo richard. i am so sorry for your pain. my husband is in the exact same position as you are, and it breaks my heart. i want so much to be able to love him as a wife should. if you're anything like my husband, i want you to know that this has NOTHING to do with how great of a husband you are. it is not your fault. very likely, your wife loved you so much that she tried really hard to deny who she is, deep down in side, just so she could stay with you. she has probably prayed, wished, cried and hoped that something inside her would make her able to love you in the way that you love her. I know you posted this awhile back, but you're in my thoughts....

To all the support and comments I've received on here I suppose a little bit of a catch up would be ... well... something.

So, in November she moved out with the children. I ended up seeing them for 2 days over Christmas. I moved out to another city for the new job. They moved back in.

After a couple of months of things getting worse for me emotionally, I tried to commit suicide.

We had had a massive fight over the phone and I was already on anti-depressants. I took everything I could find. Painkillers, anti-depressants, anti anxiety tablets. Left the place I was staying. Woke up in hospital. Lost about 2 days.

I had never felt so low.

Since then though, I feel I am recovering. Nowhere near where I want to be, but getting there. I think.

I still get very upset, but not around the children who I now see for only 1 day at the weekend. I can't afford my own place as I am still paying the mortgage on the house where the children live and their mother.

And she is now on her second girlfriend.

Sleeping with her in our home with our children there.

I know that sounds really possessive, but it is the shattering of all the dreams and plans we had. And especially those concerning the children. All having to be rewritten. And I'm not doing a brilliant job with it.

My work is my saving grace here. I have found a place where I am completely at ease and I love my work. I have a great team to work with and some know my history (those that are older and with kids in the main) and are very supportive.

And over the last few months, I've managed to see the children for both days of the weekend. It isn't easy as they are upset and angry with us for me not being there all the time. They tell their mother that they hate her for making me leave. I tell the children that mummy and daddy love them. But I don't think that makes a huge difference. I take them swimming, ice skating, cinema, etc. It costs me a lot of money that I don't have. But I'd rather that than sitting in the house I called home and not being able to go to bed and just sleep next to the woman I married.

I know I wasn't a perfect husband. But I didn't drink, use drugs, gamble, womanise, wasn't violent. I paid the bills on time. We had no debts other than the mortgage and 2 small loans. All normal and full of promise. We knew we had to keep things under control whilst the children were young.

But I cannot believe just how much this still hurts. It will soon be a year since she told me.

And whilst I want to keep a relationship with her because of the children and all my friends tell me I have to work this out "for the sake of the children", I know it is, again, getting harder and harder to do. I have to suppress myself so much when I am with them and when I see her.

And that goes against so much of what I believe in, about self expression and openness.

And that hurts. It hurts in so many ways.

And so I think, maybe. Just maybe I should just leave. Sell the house. She wanted to not have me in her bed/life, but somehow she still thinks I should provide a home for the children. The house and mortgage are jointly owned. So she has as much responsibility in law as I do.

I then get angry with this because I love them all and want them all to be happy and safe and secure.

But then, so do I.

And I can't if I am paying out all this money.

And then I feel selfish for thinking like that.

And ....

Well. I try to stop thinking like that. As it is a spiral I've been down before. And I know if I go down there again, I'll make sure I stay there.

I realise just how depressed I am. It is Sunday morning. I can't visit my children today because the girlfriend is in the house. I'm still in bed and it is nearly 11AM.

I've not held the hand of an adult in nearly 7 months. I can't easily make friends, especially female friends, as I find it hard to keep in the bad stuff when asked about family and children. I'm of an age when I think it is expected that if I've not married then there is divorce or separation in the person's history.

It seems people want to know. Or, at least, they ask. And I have a hard time not telling them.

And that really isn't a good way to meet people. But, if the tables were reversed and I met someone who had all this inside, I'd really want to help and open up and be sharing and friends. My mind works that way.


I really have to go and do something with the day. It'll be nighttime soon and bed time and then morning and the weekly routine of work will be upon me. I know it isn't healthy to think like this, but it is the only real thing keeping me going.


Thank you for your concern. I'm really sorry to have made such a huge comment on someone else's message, but I needed to say this all.

Thank you.


Hi Richard. I'm sooooo sorry that you are where you are with this right now. I just wanted too offer you some virtual hugs and let you know you're thought of. Whether it's twice a week, or twice a year, your children NEED you. Losing you would have been beyond devastating for them, and so, for them for now, and for you eventually, you need to wake up, go through the motions and just keep going. One foot in front of the other. My heart aches for you and your kids. I hope you'll keep us posted, though: the good, the bad, the ugly. Some day, I look forward to "hearing" your sigh of relief when you look back and say, "Oh, my goodness...I can't believe I actually got through that time in my life." Hang in there. Live for this moment, right now. Try to let go of the past (I KNOW...HARD!!!), and not worry about the future. Just know that you are ok right this second.

So what eventually happened?

Well. It's been pretty much a year since she came out. A few months ago, she moved out of our home and into rented accommodation. She pays for this. Well she gets housing benefits, so it is paid for. It is a nice house. Everyone has their own bedroom. The garden is bigger. It is in the same area so they can all go to the same school and their friends are all near.

As for the adults in this, well, it has been up and down. A couple of years ago, I found my birth parents. I was told I was adopted when I was 5. 40 years ago. Last month I went to see my mother in America (Aurora no less, so quite upset with the recent news. I went to that cinema when I was there. Very very sad).

The trip helped me a lot. It gave me a real break from all the pain. I missed the children and I missed their mother.

Having been back a while now, things seemed to have improved fractionally. I've managed to get the house rented, so I can keep it and I have somewhere to stay when I visit the children, so I don't have to just come for the day. I can go down on a Friday evening, see them in their new house, do the bedtime routine and leave. If their mother wants to go out, then she either has to arrange a babysitter or ask me if I want to do it. So far, I've offered twice and she has accepted. She hasn't asked me though. I offered.

I realise I offer too much for my own good. I am trying to keep hold of our marriage.

I am 45 this year and have only had 2 relationships. Both of which lasted over a decade. I do not know how to "let go" and "move on". I married her with the expectation of forever.

She won't talk to me regarding anything to do with her and her emotions. She is totally flat on the phone. And moves to a different room when I visit the children. If I go into the kitchen, she'll go somewhere else if she is there.

I suppose it can all be summed up as things are still a mess, but it seems less of a mess than it was.

3 More Responses

You message it encouraging. My wife of nearly 6 years broke done in tears last night when she told me that she had realized she was gay. This news did nothing to dent my deep love and affection for her. She is still the woman that I fell in love with, and looked forward to growing old with. It is sad for me to think of life without her. It is sad for me to think of her staying with me and not being happy or fulfilled. I have having a hard time today with these thoughts and wrestling with the fear of not knowing what will happen next.

Thank you for your story, it is offering me hope in tough time. My wife admitted to herself and came out to me a year ago. Its been a difficult year to say the least. We've been together for going on ten years, the best ten years of my life. She is having a hard time figuring out what she has “come out” as though, which has placed me in a precarious position.<br />
<br />
My wife is the best friend I’ve ever known. She is my family. She is the person I want to climb the tallest mountains with and the one I’ll gladly crawl through the sewers for. So as hard as it is for me to say, that if she decides that she is gay and not bi, I want whats best for her and her happiness. The thought of losing her is painful, but her happiness is one of the most important things to me.<br />
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Needless to say, I hope that she feels the same way about me as you do your husband. I don’t want to lose my wife, my lover, my closest friend, my companion in life’s journey. Thank you again for your story, it is a bright glimmer of hope in a dark time

I can't tell you how happy I am to find some one like me. At almost 21 I have three children with my best friend whom I married. He knows in my heart of hearts I prefer women, but accepts that I married him and remain faithful to a man. I've told him the same thing, when we're through- I'll never be with another man. Thank you for sharing

I get that,<br />
Sad part is I am a man in love with a lesbian<br />
we married 10 years ago when she thought she was bi and we were in love<br />
we divorced after a year and recently reconnected.<br />
we are still just as in love today as we were then<br />
we dont have sex but share so much more in every way<br />
thing is she is scared no one will understand what we have. <br />
I tell her I'm screwed either way<br />
every relationship before or since her has been horrible<br />
I am emotionally female<br />
when I'm with women who are straight or bisexual the sex is great first<br />
they say no man has ever made love to them the way I do<br />
then the other shoe drops snd they say that if they wanted to be in a relationship <br />
with a girl they would be a lesbian.<br />
I am also attracted to men but they also tell me that I'm not just feminine I'm a woman<br />
and they arent attracted to girls.. sex with them just isn't good for me either<br />
so either way I'm screwed <br />
doomed to live with her having almost everything I want <br />
or being alone never to find the one who GETS me..<br />
Life would be so much easier for everyone if I could just afford a sex

I thought all the experiences recounted here were important in regard to this subject. Poor Mousetrap, though, made me sad: he knows the answer, but is so invested that he can't accept it. <br />
<br />
He may get his gf to marry him, but it will be an awful complication. <br />
<br />
I found myself wondering if he could "be a girl" for her -- literally feminizing himself, depending on his own gender realities -- but obviously "Tootsie" was NOT real life! Since I myself flit from slightly butch to very femme, I know a tiny bit about being WHO you want to be -- but, no, I surely cannot recommend it to him.<br />
<br />
Warm wishes to that couple, and to the many others writing on this subject.<br />
<br />
Hugz, Justine

This is soo comforting and supportive that im not the only one out there.<br />
Ive been married to my husband for almost 10 yrs and i rate myself as a lesbian.<br />
He knows about my bed buddy lesbian. My husband and i do not have a sex life though, we haven't in a while , like 3 yrs ago , thats when we conceived my daughter. <br />
Financially im stuck, but im back in school to make my own independance and so i can be<br />
with my woman. Its been very hard for all 3 of us. But good things will come to those who wait, and i hope she waits for me because i love her so much .

This is my first blog...first I am glad to learn that I am not totally crazy. I too am sorry that people would attack you...<br />
I have been with my husband for 22 years. We were young when we got married. I am absolutely in love with him. When I verbally admitted to him about my desire for women, he already knew. I am very honest with him. I would never cheat on him, as I would not like him to cheat on me. We communicate about our desires. <br />
I am a hopeless romantic, and strongly believe in doing our best to stay married (please, I do understand that not all marriage can work) <br />
I hope that you and your husband can keep the communication open, no one is perfect, and all marriages have there little challenges.

sorry to seen you have been getting unhelpful messages, I completely understand how difficult it is to be in this position, ive only recently told my husband and all seems a little strange at the moment. i think its great how many husbands have been quite understanding, not sure sure i would have been the other way round. I do def recognise the attraction to women more than men though, I thought i was just a little odd lol x

All I can offer you is my support. In the last few years I have taken my attraction to women public and it has been a trying period of coming out to everyone I interact with. The reason I had come out was because I was in love with the same-sex gender. Now that we are not together, I feel the attraction to women as strongly as ever, however almost nothing towards men. I hope that you are able to continue to know and understand your growing changes and needs as a person, but more, as a person in a marriage. I respect your decision to be honest with your husband about your situation. if you ever need someone to talk to, or anything else, i am moved by your plight and wish to help you any way I can.<br />
<br />

Oh! And I am involved with my husband - as involved as any woman can be with a man...I simply find myself less attracted to the male if you're going to continue to attack me - I will keep on deleting your comments as they are you judging me - a person you do not know...and clearly do not care to please - troll someone else.'re joking, right? i'm the same as her, just the opposite - i am attracted to girls, but not as attracted as i am to guys, so i identify myself as straight.
i have dated girls before, but it's rare i'd find a girl that i was attracted to, &amp; the attraction isn't the same (or as strong) as it is to guys.
to be more attracted to 1 sex than the other - that makes you gay. you could argue that maybe it makes you a little bi, but mostly gay.

No blehtolife, if you are sexually attracted to both sex and gets sexual gratification from both sex then it means you are bisexual, not gay, not lesbian and certainly not straight.

My husband knows - and to say I go out in the day and am with women is bull - because I don't. I have been and will remain faithful to him as long as we are together. I shared what I go through in MY life....I am married to a man...I identify as a lesbian...Do not sit there and say that I go and romp with other women which in my eyes constitutes cheating - because I do not have his permission to do that - if and only if and when I had his permission and blessing would I ever FATHOM such a thing....

I am on the other side of the coin, and not in quite as easy of a position. 12 years ago I met the woman of my dreams. Not only beautiful, but exactly like me in so many ways from humor to movies and music to acitivities to life goals. I was 17 at the time and she was 15. We dated for almost a year, then we lost each other because we were too stupid to see what we had. If we had stayed together, we would have worked out. a decade goes by, I get married and divorced, and we reconnected. She moved in, we made plans to get married, but I suspected that something was wrong. She never liked sex and I just assumed she didn't like it. Then one day she announced that we weren't going to have it again. We talked and she admitted that she was gay. She says she has always known, but that she believed that her love for me would make sex more enjoyable. Then she told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone for a few years and she wants to explore her sexuality. But she also said that even if sex felt good she wouldn't be interested in it and that she feels that being gay means she can't be with me because she wants someone who is a woman emotionally.<br />
<br />
Long story short, we both agree that in the long run we would be happy together, but she wants a few years off and I can't give her that and she also wants to try dating women. I offered that she could bring another person into the relationship if it was only for sex, it would be horribly uncomfortable for me but I would do anything to make her happy, but she doesn't want that. I asked her to try various things from toys to **** but she won't. If this were anyone else, anyone who I trusted less, I would say that she is just not interested, but we have had very emotional discussions and she is truthfull when she says that she wishes I was a woman because she really wants to want me, and that she feels romantically attracted toward me, but that she just feels like something in her life will be missing if she stays with a man. I honestly think she will never have a long term relationship.<br />
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Matters are complicated by the fact that she has two small kids and I have three and I love her kids too much to loose them. Since they are all from former marriages, if she leaves the kids leave with her.<br />
<br />
But I'm not capable of being just a friend, so when she told me that she was going to see her mother for a few days to have some time to think (left today) I told her that I would support her in anything that she wanted to do, but if she couldn't stay with me and mary me like we planned then it will have to be good bye. Which is sad for me because I know I could make her happy if she would just stay with me and also because I know that I'll never be happy again or even want to be with another person if my soul mate leaves.<br />
<br />
I'll do anything to keep her. So I'm hoping to hear from some lesbians who have made an exclusive relationship with a man work. I want to know how you feel about him and about women, what makes things work for you, and how you have made it through. Do you do things in bed differently (toys, ****, positions, anything) or are you celebate? I want to understand what it means to be a gay woman and how true love for one man could either overcome those feelings or if not overcome than how you make love last under these circumstances. I hope to find out what she feels and ways that I could help her. I can't share her, and I can't let her have time to figure this out, but I can change myself and my habbits to help her feel more comfortable with me.

I am a lesbian who fell in love with a man. The whole time I was reading your story I just kept thinking how selfish she is. She will either have to let you go and be with a woman or she will have to be with you. To love someone is to think of them first, before oneself. I love my husband more than I can describe, I love to have sex with him because it pleases him, makes him feel good &amp; makes him feel loved. He is very understand that I do have an attraction to woman. We look at other women together, we have toys &amp; he does what he has to do to satisfy me. He has told me that I can be with a woman or bring another woman into our relationship if I want to buy I don't want to be with anyone else out of respect for him. I also have 3 children from a relationship I was in before I realized I was gay. He loves my kids and takes care of them as they are his own. So if your girlfriend doesn't have an extreme amount of respect for you for living her kids then she is only thinking of herself. She does not realize how good she has it. I hope that you can work your relationship out &amp; can be happy. Don't torture yourself for someone that is not thinking about your feeling. Good luck to you!

Well said!

my g/f of 2 years is lesbian, and married to a man. he is well aware of her sexuality and of course was okay with it until she fell madly in love with me. he tried to break us up and wouldn't let her see me until she told him that she would resent him for it. So, under the guise of "friends only" we continued to see each other as often as we could. At this point, 2 years into it, I'm pretty tired of feeling alone in a relationship. I'm tired of going to bed every night with out her. every night I get frustrated that she's not with me and there's no light at the end of the tunnel... Long story short, I'm the one outside the marrage and it isnt easy. She doesnt want to be with him but, because she is in poor health and need his health insurance, and because she has 3 kids, she's stuck and I don't have the means to change that for her. She says she finds the strength to go through all we have to go through in knowing that we will be together... what if that never happens, and I've held on and spent years alone and waiting.... Help. I'm spinning. We are madly in love with each other. she has been the greatest love of my life

I know how you feel..i feel alone every day/night. depressed, sad, an lost because I AM NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT. I can easliy have sex etc with women but I want more then that. and its hard as hell

We are in a similar situation. I have been with my bf for 16 years now. He is really the only serious relationship I have ever had. And I do love him. However, I don't look at men the way I see women. They are just such beautiful creatures, capable of gentleness and deep caring...and women's bodies? The curves, the smells, the sweet laughter. No one knows of my desires, except for him as well. I could never do anything about it, but wonder. I will continue to stay with him, until it is the end of the road decidedly for both of us.

well im kind of in the same boat as you are. im married to a man who knew and accepted that i was gay before we got married. he is fine with me having a relationship with a woman. most people would think that was unfair and greedy but i think that its totally fine if its an agreement between everyone involved. <br />
<br />
but what woman wants to be with a woman who is married to a man?? apparently none.

I am basically in the same boat.... i am a lesbian married to the man i love and will continue to love till he dies... he also knows that if i lose him he will be the last man in my life.... that i will either be alone or if am luckily enough i will find a women destined to b with me!!<br />
for some reason if we would ever divorce we will continue to raise our children together and respect eachother and never bring our other into our house!!

I applaud your honesty in words but are you being fair to yourself? You never know what you could be missing if you were in a relationship with a women? You love your husband, I do not doubt it, but you could be missing out on your one GREAT LOVE.

your lucky he is so accepting. I hope that neither of you get hurt in this and that it all works out for you. kudo's to your honesty!

Its a shame you are not in a plurall marrige then you would have a sister wife and a husband in some cases this works out well