I Am a Lesbian Married to a Straight Man
Where do I begin?
Well, I will just start from where I think I had my first inclination.
When I was about 11 years old, I felt an attraction to girls when most of my friends were feeling an attraction to boys...you know 11 year old girls, all about the "boy bands" and pop music...while my friends were into NSYNC, I was more "attracted" I guess you could say to singers like Christina Aguillera.
I never got vocal about my feelings but to one friend of mine whom I have known since I was 4. She said she had felt the same things too, and whereas young people are curious, we were curious together.
Jump ahead about 3 years, to when I lost my Grandmother to cancer, it was after her funeral, and we were at my Aunt's house talking to family that had flown in from all over the country. I was about 14 at this time...There were a lot of people I didn't know as they were distant family, or friends from my Grandmother and Grandfather's church. There I met who would become my cousin's life partner Jenn.
After we had met, I went into my Aunt's library to think...but mostly to cry alone about the loss of my Gramma. Jenn came up to check on me and thats when I found out who she was to my cousin and that my aunt was also a lesbian.
I guess that was when I first realized that it wouldn't be crazy for me to feel the way I did, but I was still rather unsure...Throughout high school I was very close to one of my best friends and she knew of how I felt deep down, and has always been very accepting....
I am 22 years old now, and honestly have never had a real relationship with a woman, and yet here I am...married...wondering what might have been. I fell in love with my husband a few months after I turned 18, and he knows of my attraction/fascination with women....I have told him a number of times that if anything were to happen to him, that he could rest assured that he would be the last man in my life in that sense...he knows that I am in my heart of hearts a gay woman, and very accepting of it.
I know there are women out there who have a relationship on the side with another woman or whose husbands don't know about their sexuality, but mine does...I feel comforted in that sense that hey, he knows, and I would like to think he understands...We believe that you don't choose who you fall for. Things just happen...I can't say that I am 100% sure we will remain strong together through this, but I have faith..and I believe in faith all things can be done.
I love women, in every sense of the word...but being married I make the personal choice to not be involved...It wouldn't be fair to either party and I don't know that I could handle it.
That's my story..what's yours?