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I Am a Lesbian Married to a Straight Man

Where do I begin?

Well, I will just start from where I think I had my first inclination.
When I was about 11 years old, I felt an attraction to girls when most of my friends were feeling an attraction to know 11 year old girls, all about the "boy bands" and pop music...while my friends were into NSYNC, I was more "attracted" I guess you could say to singers like Christina Aguillera.

I never got vocal about my feelings but to one friend of mine whom I have known since I was 4. She said she had felt the same things too, and whereas young people are curious, we were curious together.

Jump ahead about 3 years, to when I lost my Grandmother to cancer, it was after her funeral, and we were at my Aunt's house talking to family that had flown in from all over the country. I was about 14 at this time...There were a lot of people I didn't know as they were distant family, or friends from my Grandmother and Grandfather's church. There I met who would become my cousin's life partner Jenn.

After we had met, I went into my Aunt's library to think...but mostly to cry alone about the loss of my Gramma. Jenn came up to check on me and thats when I found out who she was to my cousin and that my aunt was also a lesbian.

I guess that was when I first realized that it wouldn't be crazy for me to feel the way I did, but I was still rather unsure...Throughout high school I was very close to one of my best friends and she knew of how I felt deep down, and has always been very accepting....

I am 22 years old now, and honestly have never had a real relationship with a woman, and yet here I am...married...wondering what might have been. I fell in love with my husband a few months after I turned 18, and he knows of my attraction/fascination with women....I have told him a number of times that if anything were to happen to him, that he could rest assured that he would be the last man in my life in that sense...he knows that I am in my heart of hearts a gay woman, and very accepting of it.

I know there are women out there who have a relationship on the side with another woman or whose husbands don't know about their sexuality, but mine does...I feel comforted in that sense that hey, he knows, and I would like to think he understands...We believe that you don't choose who you fall for. Things just happen...I can't say that I am 100% sure we will remain strong together through this, but I have faith..and I believe in faith all things can be done.

I love women, in every sense of the word...but being married I make the personal choice to not be involved...It wouldn't be fair to either party and I don't know that I could handle it.

That's my story..what's yours?

sarahsinwithme sarahsinwithme 22-25, F 80 Responses Aug 30, 2008

Your Response


What is to understand to this? The only thing I understand about what you girls do, is that you are being selfish.
In your logic, how can you say that you are in love with a guy and still think as if he makes the exception? How can you call that love? It is not love. It is just a "place where you feel safe" when you are affraid.
I am a lesbian, had a boyfriend, almost engaged. He knew about me. I was still possing as a bisexual. I could of stayed and pretend it's ok because he was so wonderful. I could not even think about using him. How selfish can someone be? Why would I keep someone next to me when I know it's not fair towards him? Why lie when I can just give him the freedom to actually be loved in the true sense of the word by a woman who is actually into guys and no hiding by the world lesbian inside? So you think this is love? No huns! This is a huge fat lie. It's easy to pretend and actually convince youreelf that you love him than to face the real world and go out there and be yoUrself. It's scary, right? At least the world wont judge you when you are with a guy. But I wonder how can so many of you actually pretend you love him. Don't confuse admiration for a nice guy with love. Love is love... and nice guys are many.
Comfort is not love. Comfort is just an easier way to not face reality of your true self.
So you know nothing about love. Nothing at all.
this is not even bisexuality. Bisexuality is as well something clear. When you can fall in love with any sex but it wont be an "exception". When you are really in love, you will not think of even breaking up with the person. no matter the sex of that person, it's all you think about. You may feel attracted to another person, but to say you miss a full relationship with a woman when you are with a guy and say you love him, makes it clear to me how fake it is. Keep lying to yourselves. You do a good job.

Thank you for being you.... and me. ♥. Word for word I have told my hubby the same and felt the same as you. So happy to see someone else gets to some extent my feelings. :-)

When married a nice guy from church our families were thrilled. I was 27 I had never had sex before marriage. I did not see what the fuss was about it was almost a duty. I just thought we had rest of our lives to work on it. My lack of desire made him feel rejected and sadly he became abusive. I thought this was my fault. As I was christian and everything else in our relationship was so good. The person in the bedroom just seemed like someone else. Fast forward 10 yrs and one child later. I know I need help and I finaly ask. At the same time I became attracted to a woman, more power fully than I could imagine. We did not have a relationsip I have never been in a lesbian relationship. Since then I know though that I am only interested in sex with women. I seperated from my husband a year ago. Now I am faced with a decision to divorce and find a woman; or move back and have a platonic relationship with my husband who deeply regrets his actions and is having ongoing councelling.
I believe God blesses and ordains faithful homosexual unions as he does hetrosexual unions it has taken me a journey to get to that place. Blessings

I'm only 18 I know I like women my 1st crush when I was 11 was my best friend who was a girl but I am really unsure whether or not I like men I know I have a need for male attachment because my father abandoned me when I was young.

I am currently in a relationship with a guy but I can feel my self drifting from him I find it difficult to be sexually attracted to him hes not the 1st boyfriend I have had that i have thought this way about.

it makes me really sad though because I'm sacred I wont find anyone because I am really shy with girls and I have never been past kissing one.

I'm not sure if I am lesbian and I identify as bisexual but I feel so confused.

I am a lesbian but I'm in love with my current boyfriend. It's glad to know I am not ALONE :)

I am a straight male. I love to have relationship with lesbian woman, But here in our country (India) it is hard to find lesbians.

I am pretty much the same. I love my boyfriend to death. We've known each other for 7 years and have been together for 1 year. I've loved females since I was in 6th or 7th grade. In highschool I came to terms that I just don't like guys like that. I love women and I've never denied that. Being with him is wonderful. He's understanding that I like women. I always say he's my one exception and he knows that. I'm not attracted to any other man and can never see myself being like that. He and I check out women together, but I never check out men 'cause I'm interested. He and I know what I am and how I feel. Because of my lack of attraction towards any man besides him, I consider myself gay and he knows that. I always hate trying to explain that to other people because they just don't understand. Yes, I am in love with a man. Yes, I have sex a man and enjoy it. But to me that doesn't change who I am inside, a lover of women. I am and will always be a lover of women. I just happened to fall in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I fell in love with him for his insides and that's all that should matter.

I just wanted to experience my story with all you women out here, I decided I was lesbian sometime when I was 5 but at the age I wasn't sure, I remember always having weird feelings about girls but I was still attracted to little boys but it was always a different feeling. at the age of 15 I met this girl in High School I was so in love with her but never said anything. after high school, I started dating men never fully had a serious relationship slept with a couple but I was never satisfied, Until, I rekindled after 8 years of not seeing that girl I was in love with back in High school she felt the same way and we started seeing each other but it's been a battle, she says she loves me but has a man on the side all the time. after a year of battling with my emotions I cut contact with her and now she's back even though she's dating a new guy forgot to mention she has a son, I am fully out of the closet and she hates the fact that people thought we were together because I was always seen like the friend. I don't know what to do it's such a confusing situation

I am 52 now I was married to a lesbain for 23 yrs it we had children I worked endlessly to support my family. And hoped for the best everyday to say I was the loneliest husband in the room is an understatement. She only used me . towards the end I was not only supporting my family but her bulldyke. you are using your husband . stop the charade you are a user. You are not a victim because you are gay you are a user your husband is in denial and you use this to keep him as a pet, most likely financially. set this man free if you and your lesbain have any humanity but you wont because you as most lsbains are USERS

I am a straight male. I pursued a relationship a while ago with a woman who is all intents and purposes gay, yet still had feelings for me. It didn't work out. She's in a healthy and stable relationship now with another woman like she's always wanted. I never really understood how she can have feelings for me yet still be gay. I really thought it was just her and that she was just confused. After reading all of your stories, however, I realize I was the confused one all along. I see now that if things would've worked out the way I would've wanted, she would be bearing too heavy of a burden that I wouldn't want her to carry for me. It has given me a new sense of closure about the whole situation. I know now we're both better off being friends and looking for our one true loves somewhere else. From the other side of the coin, thank you all with sharing your experiences with me.

I am in the same boat. Except mine let me have a gf. He knows he can't change me but I miss having a real full time girlfriend. I'm actually breaking it off with her because its pulling me away from him. I've been gay since i was 10 and only dated women.

I'm 25. I have been with my partner(male) since we were 16. Even when we first met I told him I liked women. My mum actually asked me when I was 11 if I was gay. I didn't know myself at that time and I said no.

I truly feel that I am gay, 1000% but my partner and I have such a good relationship and understanding, we are comfortable with each other and we meet each others needs in every sense. But it does feel like a lie at times, not to myself but to others when I try explain our situation.
My partner and I get it. We know where we stand, we love each other, and we care for each other. But I don't fit a box by societies standard, and it doesn't bother me, but it bothers others so there are times where I am upset by that.

Idk I'm rambling now, don't know if this has made sense

kool you dd it..

I'm in such a confusing and worrying situation right now. I love my boyfriend, and we've been together for over two years - since I was 17 and he 18. We're living together, a stable relationship; whilst we've both had our issues, we've pulled through and supported each other. But since we've been together, I've become aware that I am not attracted to men anymore. I am a lesbian, and I want a lesbian relationship! I love my boyfriend and I would never wnat to hurt him - breaking up is practically unthinkable. Like your husband, my boyfriend is aware of my feelings, but I don't think he understands how deep it runs. I don't know what to do.

We very much alike met my husband at 18 he knew about me liking girls I'm now 22 he tells me I'm 90% lesbian the other 10% is for him lol, should read my story :)

you know there are several ways u can make other women involved in equation of ur relationship as well...being married and living in a three way relationship might be good for u guys

ATTENTION LESBIANS-- Can you marry a girly and cross dreser boy.... as you can't marry a girl legally, the best you can get is a cross dressing male.. thatz it,, Any nice, understanding and dominating girl want a loyal and honest Cross dresser girly sexy partner? Mail me on my ID given below, Lesbians a lucky chanse for you all a legal marriage as it will between boy-girl at the same time you can enjoy lesbian sex also.... you can dominate always,, he is Indian boy...Thank You and all the very best to you for your strive Good Luck.

Such women are more accurately known as bi-sexual -- women who are attracted to both sexes. Men may also be bi-sexual being attracted to both genders. Why the concern over labels?

Please help me can you consider yourself a lesbian and still say you fell in love with a man? How is that possible? Lesbians don't feel attracted to men (if they are honest) and, as such, could never fall in love with a man. Gay men are gay men and lesbians are lesbians. Or is this whole thing on a continuum that you slide up and down depending on your.....mood? Is the problem that we should just loosen up on the whole issue of sexuality and let anybody love (or get the hots for) anybody, have sex with anybody and express affection for anybody they feel it for? WHOA!!! There is a concept! Is that what this is all about? Labels? Wow...what if we went back to the idea that my sexuality is none of your business and let everyone express their sexuality however they want to. Oh...but we have the morality problem, don't we? Well....I don't bother over that much.

You think he's heterosexual or homophobic when he just said that he thought it would be good for anyone to be able to express sexual love for anyone without being called a lesbian or gay? Are you even thinking?

I am also a lesbian married to a straight man. He knows that I am "queer", but not that I am a lesbian. This is a truth that I have acknowledged periodically throughout my past, but never truly adhered to...if that makes any sense. I have been going to counseling recently to help facilitate a dialogue that I will one day have with my husband...when I "come out" to him as a lesbian.

I plan to remain monogamous to him, if that is what he wishes. I made that promise when we got married and I see no reason, for me personally, that I should not honor it. We are not currently sexually active, but we enjoy many other non-sexual activities together. We are affectionate (closed-mouth kisses and cuddling) and that seems to be enough for the both of us. We each have "alone-time" in which we satisfy other needs.

The truth is, I am happy and he says he is happy as well. I married my best friend. We absolutely love spending time with one another and we care deeply for each other. We run a fairly successful household, including two dogs and a bunny. It is understood that we will not be having children. He accepts that and I am more than thrilled with that. I have no desire whatsoever for motherhood. I recently had a tubal occlusion to ensure that is not a concern in the future and he was supportive of that decision.

I don't believe that every marriage needs to be based on romantic love and physical attraction. We have a very rewarding, very deep, and very functional relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and friendship. I see no reason to change that. :)

I know straight couples wish they could hold it together as you both have

My wife is very traditional and we enjoyed an active sex life up until we were in our 70's when I prostate cancer. Radioactive seeding and anti-androgen treatments suppressed my testosterrone so much that I have grown c cup breasts and my penis is now a clitoris in my mangina. My estrogen is taking over and i feel more like a woman even though I still dress and act like a man. We now make love like two lesbians in bed and it is wonderful. I hve found the joy in having a female ****** deep in my body instead of externally as a man. Love knows no gender!

It sounds like you have a really good thing going on here. I especially like and appreciate your staying true to him within the marriage and not looking for anything sexual outside of it.

Marriage does not mean it has to be based on sex, it is love not lust thatmakes a marriage,
I know now what I didn\'t know before, sex is good but it is not he end to be all. Sooner or later we all loose the ability to have sex. I did and my wife did after we both went thru cancer treatments. Now we value the life we have together and go forth holding hands. I still enjoy sexand now make love to myself while she watches and shares my pleasures. see my profile.

Thank you. Thank you for what you wrote and how you are and, well, just being.
I wasn\'t looking for anything here really, but your situation is the exact situation I am in with my partner. And the bottom line is that we are happy. Even if it does fly in the face of societies expectation of sexuality and relationships.
Thank you.

2 More Responses

I love my boyfriend he is a great guy and I do care for him. I just feel like I'm not supposed to be with a man. I care about him deeply but I can't help but think I am missing out on something. I admire your strength and dedication. I wish I could some how push through it but I can feel the turmoil destroying my happiness and ultimately his. Good luck and best wishes thank you for sharing.

I found out when I was five years old in Kin that I was attracted to girls! When every girl in my classroom was attracted to a certain boy and I didn't understand why? I ignored that side of me until I was 15 and had a chance to be with a girl but backed out afraid, I got married to a man at 17 and we have been together 8 years and me being attracted to girls have taken its toll on our marriage. I am not happy but afraid to move on because we have children together. I usually wonder if If I could ever be happy in this relationship? Thanks for sharing your story and its good to know I am not the only lesbian out there married to a man!

"I usually wonder if If I could ever be happy in this relationship?"

Life isn't perfect, and it sounds like you've allowed it to progress to the point where it would do more bad than good to end it.

its at least part comforting to know that I am not alone. I wish you well in your quest for happiness. w.

I mean there isn't anything better than being content. The fact of you being so sincere and honest to your husband is truly remarkable. My story on the other hand: Been with men all my life, wasn't until my second year of college that I started hanging out with peers who were bisexual. Found myself completely infatuated with women, had tons of flings here and there only a small time frame of a year. Wasn't until I met a women significantly older than I am that I completely settled down. Ever since I kissed a women, as cliche as this may sound I found myself. Never have I desired a man ever since, and this has been going on for many years now. Don't know if I'm going crazy, especially that where I come from isn't really the friendliest place to do so. However, I refuse living a life where I don't find myself the happiest being, to neglect a life where I believe was made for me regardless of any circumstances, a life I find simply to be ME.

It is interesting to see your take on things. I am happy for you that you have made your mind up that since you are knee deep in your marriage that you would never let a lesbian relationship cloud who, how, and what you are and believe yourself to be. There are so many people who willingly live in silence to themselves and their spouses and you are open and free enough to not put yourself into that situation. I also think you are really honest and I sincerely respect you for saying that the next relationship you find yourself in after (God forbid) the passing of your hubby will be with a woman. In the meantime you have no interest in looking into a relationship with another woman although that is essentially where you have an interest in pursuing possibly on a permanent basis if things workout.

I am a bi-woman who has been married to the same man for more than 50 years {I am 77}. He knows of my womanly desires and never has interfered with it in any way. Presently, I meet on a twice monthly basis with other women who are unsatisfied with their current sex life for one reason or another and help them understand that the love of a woman is never wrong. If you want more details, just ask me dear...

So beautiful of you to guide women like us. Thank you. Xo.

My dear, I would love to become part of your circle, a friend too if it be your desire.

And may I assume {quite dangerous I know} that you are Sarah? Of course, I would love to add you to My circle of friends.

Hello I respect your relationship my nephew is come out at 19 and is open with family.I WAS SAPOSED TO MARRY A GUY WHO WaNTED T MOVE OUT OF HIS FAMLIES HOUSE he was 43 and we knew each other eight years. He hadva quick wedding to a old service friend so as to hind her from her family and him to get his inhertanch as he vsaid to me I am hidding my 90 thou for her she wants a house It devistated me to think I was the pawn befor the pawn I TRUELY Loved this man wish I had talked with thrapist over his betrayal.yes his brther even played along bought liqou booked. And paid for hall ran out and boght suit he Was pushing like the two brothers so close were pulling a fast one on old rich dad. YOU SEEM REAL NICE BUT I called three days beforwedding and told dad Rich old dad wbole story he was shocked I am shure rich old dad told sons they said I lied but never told bride dad knows her husband may be cut out and all would fail no help fro rich old dad for that brand new house.Kind strange for two brothers who used to share **** vedios straight I AM TOLD.It is so darn deceptive and his dad had a mistress for over 22 years and still does.MY FIRST HUSBAND MARRIED ME WHEN I was in service to help him hide in military I am against using a partner for public gain and etrax money than becomming abusive when they find out it is a sham based on financial wish and aparment house and finnacial gain only no love just telling people its love.

This literally brought me to tears...I've been battling 'confusion' for quite some time now, and I'm married to a man-we also have two kids together. Honestly, I never thought about whether I liked girls or boys- I didn't know there was an option! I do remember staying away from girls and keeping guy friends around because I've always felt the need to impress girls more than guys, but, again, I didn't think too much into it. I can remember trying to hold hands with girls on the playground and trying to kiss one of my friends in kindergarten, but everyone freaked out and I got kicked out of school, so I dropped it and let go. When I was in my seventh grade year of school, I met a girl that made me feel differently than anyone else ever had, but I didn't dare say anything. My mom always made it clear that she loved gay people, but couldn't condone the act because God didn't approve. By high school, I felt the need to make myself be normal, and (like an idiot) started doing what all the other girls were doing...I tried to like guys, had a few "crushes" that never really stuck, and even slept with a few of my guy friends (big mistake, and I was very unfulfilled) but I still always felt like something was missing- like there was a hole in my heart that just never got filled. I met and fell in love with my now husband at 15, and from there I went from sex crazed teenager to mom of two that heaves at the thought of having sex now...Ashley (the girl from middle school) is still my friend, and the only girl I've ever come out about this to-which has actually only been here in last week. I've been in love with her since the moment I laid eyes on her, but I never had the guts to tell her. Now we're both married with kids and just found out that we've both felt the same way about each other for the last 9 years! Luckily I can talk to her about it, so I'm not completely alone, but I'm still scared to open up to my husband because I'm still confused about it all. I'm really relieved to see that there are so many other women out there experiencing the same thing- Yay, I'm not broken!! Thank you ladies for sharing your stories...thank you all so much!

My dear, the two of you should consummate your desires for each other at least onc time. As for your husbands, there is no need to share with them or to feel guilty if you don't. You are showing great love to your hubby's by being the mother's of their children ...

this is exactly how I feel with my current situation, have you found any solution?

I am also a lesbian married to a man. At times I find myself wondering what could it been like to be with a women and if I'm missing out, but then I remember the commitment that I have made through marriage and it all fades away.

That was a touching story. Thank you for posting. Ralph n Biloxi