I live a lie everyday i go out into the world and i pretend to be straight, living this lie is so exhausting, i am so unhappy because i am living my life for my mother and the army who would both disown me if they knew that i fall in love with women.
Let's start at the beginning, i married my high school sweetheart and joined the army. I have always been attracted to women but never pursued it because i never had the oppurtunity really, and i had my man so i never pursued a girl. Well the army put 2000 miles between us and that was all she wrote...
I met her on Feb 19 2005 and i have not been the same since... I was hers INSTANTLY. She is what those in the black lesbian community call a Stud(dominant). She swept me off my feet and a week later i called my husband and told him i was filing for divorce. He cried and called me for days, my heart broke for him but i did not grieve because i was so caught up in my new love. I told he i had only married him to so he could get a green card. I was afraid she would stop seeing me if she knew the truth.
Our relationship grew we moved in together, we talked for hours, and THE SEX OMG She was the only person to every give me multiple ******* and we would climax together constantly, we were so in tuned to each others bodies. UMM i miss her for that. Anyway, i met her parents, she met my sisters who i came out to.,i was ready after 15 months of being with her I wanted to make it official(whatever that meant).
That is when i started to think i could never marry her, i could never have her baby, i could never tell my mom and yea i could not really be gay right after all i did marry a man i thought i loved. Who was still waiting for me to mail him the papers i paid for but could just not bring myself to mail. The doubt set in i began to speak to him more and i decided to vist him so we could talk one llast tome before i went on an overseas assignment to Korea.
My girl made love to me and we cried our eyes out the day i last saw her, we had exchanged rings and promises. i broke that promise my second night with my husband and coincidentaly that is the night i got pregnant. she knew and i knew she knew our connection was that strong. I started avoiding her calls and told her i dont think we would make it. I left her I left her because I was pregnant.
My husband and i got back together and he held me to his chest as i would weep for my love, he listened as i called her and cried for her hours on end. He was my rock as i fell apart over the loss of her. He is truly my Friend. Our baby was born and we were good for a while then i started to feel unhappy. Nothing he did was right and i know why He as not a girl.
i have cheated on him twice since then with two women, both with women. I have put him thru so much and i was not surorised when he recently told me he no longer loves me and he would like a divorce. I was so relieved, I never had the courage to leave him. He is leaving me.
Well let me tell u where I am now... I am in a Loveless, sexless marriage. We are the Proud parents of a toddler who is the center of both our lives. To the world I have the perfect family, I am MISERABLE