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MY Journey...

    I live a lie everyday i go out into the world and i pretend to be straight, living this lie is so exhausting, i am so unhappy because i am living my life for my mother and the army who would both disown me if they knew that i fall in love with women. 

    Let's start at the beginning, i married my high school sweetheart and joined the army. I have always been attracted to women but never pursued it because i never had the oppurtunity really, and i had my man so i never pursued a girl. Well the army put 2000 miles between us and that was all she wrote... 

    I met her on Feb 19 2005 and i have not been the same since... I was hers INSTANTLY. She is what those in the black lesbian community call a Stud(dominant). She swept me off my feet and a week later i called my husband and told him i was filing for divorce. He cried and called me for days, my heart broke for him but i did not grieve because i was so caught up in my new love. I told he i had only married him to so he could get a green card. I was afraid she would stop seeing me if she knew the truth.

    Our relationship grew we moved in together, we talked for hours, and THE SEX OMG She was the only person to every give me multiple ******* and we would climax together constantly, we were so in tuned to each others bodies. UMM i miss her for that. Anyway, i met her parents, she met my sisters who i came out to.,i was ready after 15 months of being with her I wanted to make it official(whatever that meant).

   That is when i started to think i could never marry her, i could never have her baby, i could never tell my mom and yea i could not really be gay right after all i did marry a man i thought i loved. Who was still waiting for me to mail him the papers i paid for but could just not bring myself to mail. The doubt set in i began to speak to him more and i decided to vist him so we could talk one llast tome before i went on an overseas assignment to Korea.

    My girl made love to me and we cried our eyes out the day i last saw her, we had exchanged rings and promises. i broke that promise my second night with my husband and coincidentaly that is the night i got pregnant. she knew and i knew she knew our connection was that strong. I started avoiding her calls and told her i dont think we would make it. I left her I left her because I was pregnant.

    My husband and i got back together and he held me to his chest as i would weep for my love, he listened as i called her and cried for her hours on end. He was my rock as i fell apart over the loss of her. He is truly my Friend. Our baby was born and we were good for a while then i started to feel unhappy. Nothing he did was right and i know why He as not a girl.

i have cheated on him twice since then with two women, both with women. I have put him thru so much and i was not surorised when he recently told me he no longer loves me and he would like a divorce. I was so relieved, I never had the courage to leave him. He is leaving me.

 

 

  

     

       

 

 

Well let me tell u where I am now... I am in a Loveless, sexless marriage. We  are the Proud parents of a toddler who is the center of both our lives. To the world I have the perfect family, I am MISERABLE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HopeIsEternal HopeIsEternal 26-30 19 Responses Sep 6, 2008

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What you did actually takes great courage - you tried to do what was right for you but in the end you thoughts of what was right made the decision for you ... We cant all get it right but we do try ... And this is where the pain comes from - i really do hope you find true love again in your life ..... you deserve it - if I had half the courage you had I would bE telling a totally different story on ep! So many times people look at our lives from the outside and think its idealic when really we are screaming for something more x Really hope you have found happiness in your life xxx

What you did actually takes great courage - you tried to do what was right for you but in the end you thoughts of what was right made the decision for you ... We cant all get it right but we do try ... And this is where the pain comes from - i really do hope you find true love again in your life ..... you deserve it - if I had half the courage you had I would bE telling a totally different story on ep! So many times people look at our lives from the outside and think its idealic when really we are screaming for something more x Really hope you have found happiness in your life xxx

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you!

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i'm so sorry for all you've been through. you'll be in my prayers.

Its painful and has clearly been quite a journey.. but take stock of what you have .. you have the child that you wanted.. youve known what it is to feel love and to lose that love.. you have had the opporunity to give your marriage a second chance and although it did not work out it must have made things clearer.. you also now have the opporunity to find the love you want and need.. without any obstacles.. so keep busy.. do the tasks you have to do to get your home in order, be with your child and know that whatever you think.. your child will be happy if you are happy and if his/her daddy is happy too.. dont think about what you have lost but you will now gain.. and what you have right here and right now. Good luck. xx

This is soo sad......had tears in my eyes the whole time.....you'll still find love....no one was made to be unhappy. *hugs*

Your story was posted so long ago, I wonder how you are doing now. My story isn't quite like yours but I know the pain you must have gone through, there are some parallels. i wonder if there's anything more than online discussion for those of us who've gone or are going through this. I tried joining a group once but the only other women it were a couple who were both divorced from their husbands. I wish I could talk to women- or gay men - who've decided to stay with their families.

Although painful after your divorce and the dust settles you will find happiness you never even knew was possible do whatever you have to do army or no army family or no family spread your wings and fly be happy and be who you were born to be

sort of the same situation with me I left my husband I was in love with my gf and she totally cheated on me and left me after I totally left my entire life to be with her I was devastated and then I found out I was 5 months pregnant I remember the night well I was drunk and he was drunk and he was crying trying to convince me to stay anyway I ended up getting back with her and we were together for 13 years. I think it is good that you went back and tried one more time because now you know what is truly in your heart when my gf left me I asked her why and she said that it was because she wanted me to go back to my husband and kids one more time so that I was sure I wanted not only a life with her but to live the lifestyle as a lesbian in a small town. If your love is that strong she will give you another chance

Wow...what an emotional story. I feel like crying reading it. I know how you feel and it is a horrible longing pain. You have the perfect family that you always wanted but a huge hole in your heart which nothing else can fill. I hope you can find your true happiness.

I'm so sorry for yr struggles.

I'm so sorry for yr struggles.

I feel your pain...I just lost my lady love yesterday...and I am still a lesbian married to a man!

True love will find you when you're ready. Best of luck to you and you're lil one. * BIG hugs*

You have gone through so much! I hope everything will work itself out to your happiest advantage. You are blessed to have a family now (who will love you no matter what), and the best thing you can do for yourself and them is pursue your happiness. The best of luck to you.<br />
<br />
-LW

You will move forward when you are ready!<br />
<br />
Love & Peace to you.

i am in tears reading this...my heart underatands your story. my god! dont stay unhappy for the rest of your life. you must move on. you both deserve to be with somebody who you love and who will love you...huggs

wow, well sweetie...... you should never be ashamed of who you are or what you might be.... As long as you are happy with your self .... thats all that matters.... you cant live your life for some one else .... live it for YOURSELF!!! The one you loved im sure if she is still single if you explain she will welcome your child w/ open arms... and if your unable to have her..... Then life as we know it goes on and God has another lover for you inmind.... trust me!!although i know for fact you'll never forget your first love!!

I feel so sorry for you , you have lived in a loveless marriage found love then lost it. I am sure you could find your true love again and ask for a second chance we all deserve second chances in life, Iam sure if you explained you had to make sure you were making the right decision about your gender she would understand.After all she must know how difficult it must have been for you , if she still loves you and i am sure she does going by what you two had together she will welcome you back with open arms and your child also.I wish you all the luck in the world