I'm a Lesbian Married With a Man

I don't know where i can start but i married with a man and he doesn't know that i am lesbian. i feel bad for him and i feel so sad for myself. i wish i could marry a woman who i really love. but i know i have no choice because  i have to hide that i am lesbian from my family. i can't let them know that . so i married with a man they know and they agree. now i don't wanna have sex and do anything with him but i don't know how to tell him that. if he knows i'm lesbian my family will know. i feel like nobody will understand me and i will never find a woman can love me and stay with me. and i like soft butch so is even harder for me to find the right person. i feel so lonely and i don't know what to do.

everytime when i see lesbian couples i will get very sad and cry . because thats the life i wanna have with my love girl .. not with a man .

vvvceliavvv vvvceliavvv
31 Responses Sep 30, 2008

I can totally relate to what you're going through... I'm in the same situation except I "came out" years ago as a lesbian and my family accepted me before I met my husband. I'm not afraid of what my family thinks because family will always be there... I'm more worried about hurting him even though he knows I use to be a lesbian. Someone suggested to me that I talk to my husband and tell him about my desires to be with a woman... I think I will do that.... maybe you should too? Wishing you the best.

The solution to your problem in 5 steps:
Step 1: tell him either - you want to share him with another woman; or he needs at least two women. [choose whichever statement works best for his character] Your justification - he's a man, you love him sooo much, you want him to be happy, he deserves it. [Men are generous they will accept although they will act surprise and reluctant if they think you are testing their loyalty]. It is a good idea to initiate this thought in him slowly. You could for instance tell him after lovemaking if he had ever thought of having a *********?
Step 2: since this is a 'treat' to him out of the bounty of your love, you are to be the one who pick the girl. Justification - you'll need to get along with her after all if she's to integrate the household! But you'll only concede to this "menage à trois" treat only if he behaves well and show that he loves you and you can TRUST him! Properly executed that should shut him up and put you in the driver's seat unhampered.
Step 3: choose a bi-sexual girl online, meet her and get to like her. Take your time. Date different ones until the right one is found. If he enquires - explain you're working on his 'birthday' gift! He's now your secret accomplice. But the girl knows your situation better and is now only wondering whether she will like him too.
Step 4: now the couple dates the girl. And if the girl likes him then...
Step 5: the relationship moves to the next level. He has a ********* with both girls. The women merely touch each others. He's now guilty of breaking the marriage covenant. Your family can't blame you, the guy is having a mistress in his own marital bed! Soon enough however he'll start begging you to kiss and make out with the other girl as well provided you know how to play your cards properly, as a last resort however, both girls can ask him if HE wants them to make out while he's catching his breath during sex. He can't think that much during sex - he will say yes!

From thence onwards the two women have the upper hands in the relationship, adjustments will have to be made to accommodate the third partner. You might want to get rid of him, but he might be a loyal and good source of financial support and ***** resources too should you girls need babies. I suggest you look into the matter carefully. This arrangement suits everybody - the lesbian is satisfied, the bi-girl is, the man is, and your family will view him as the real culprit for being a polygamist, so he'll shut up and keep it a secret too. The bi-girl will be firstly presented as a room mate, then she'll become your best girlfriend [understood as female friend], giving your family all the time in the world to adjust to her presence in your home and getting used to her. You'll know what to do next.

my girlfriend is still married and still live her husband but in separated bed/room , i have been with her 9 yrs but in my mind is always if she is sleeping with him and sometime i get tired of it , yes her husband know about us but still i am not happy that she is living with him, i have ask her manytimes if she have sometime to do with him she just tell me ,No, i don't know what to think and she tell me that i only reason she is still living with him is because he is support her, i have a home ,cars , i am not living with a man, i have live by myself ....

It's so hard to say those words, "I'm gay, or I'm a lesbian" to your husband, I have told mine that I no longer plan to have sex with him and he has not taken it to well, I know I have to tell him the truth and I have to do it soon if I'm ever going to feel peace with myself and to let him move on with his life. I know he will be devastated but I just can't go on trying to make everyone else happy while I myself suffer. Do the best you can, start off slow, and hopefully the words will flow out and you can start living your life the way that makes YOU happy. xoxo

U hve to tell him. Do it for urself. I want to leave but am scared because I hve nowhere to go if I did.

Like you, I'm a lesbian but married to a man. The difference is, my husband has known about me well before we ever married. I thought I could put that part of me behind (wanting to be married to a woman) but the last few years have really been hard for me. I dream about holding a woman never my husband. I'll have sex with him once every couple of months to keep the peace in the house. We have two children and I want them to grow up with their dad and grandparents. So we do what we can to make it work. Day by day. Though some days are much harder. I feel alone all of the time. I've quit leaving the house. I'll go to the grocery store once a month. But each day is different. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm in a complicated marriage myself.

Can definitely relate to your situation... only difference is that we don't have children together. I've also stopped leaving the house... I became depressed... it's a terrible situation to be in... I sympathize with you and wish you the best.

I've only just found this website. I found it to find stories/advice/support/help/whatever. I am a straight man who has found out that my wife is gay.<br />
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Stop lying to him and to yourself.<br />
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I am about as angry as I've ever been. But I am completely and utterly in love with my wife. But I do not want to be married to a lesbian. And so I have to break our family. When I married her, I promised to be faithful and the respect her. And she did too.<br />
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When we decided to have children, it was a decision we made together as equals/partners.<br />
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I know I want my wife to be happy. I know it won't be with me. I love her and I wish we had never married and had children.<br />
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There are at least 2 emotions in me at all times now. I am unsettled, angry, sad, confused, resentful.<br />
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I can't hold my wife as she pushes me away now that she is out.<br />
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But that is now.<br />
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I can only hope that in the future, when our emotions aren't as raw as they are now, we'll still see the things we love in each other. I know I will. I love her now. Even though I'm crying typing this. Why am I typing this? ... Anonymity and public "woe is me!".<br />
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If you love your husband, then you owe it to him to tell him. The more he loves you, the more it will hurt. But if the love is true, then I am hoping beyond all the pain and hurt and sadness, then it will remain.<br />
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It will be different. My wife is the same person. The same beautiful face, the gentle swells and curves of her deliciously sweet body. But she is no longer my lover. I'm not even sure she will remain my friend after the divorce.<br />
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Whatever you do, be prepared for a whole world of pain. It seems there is a lot of it going about.

Well. Soon to be a year since the love of my life came out. And what a year.

I look back at what I've posted and realise that the pain and resentment are all but gone. They no longer rule me.

And she and I are friends again. And I think we are going to be the best of friends. She's still gay. We are still married, but separated. Our children are starting to be happy again. And whilst she is still in the friends-with-benefits stage, I'm starting a new relationship. Very very slowly.

And it seems that because we tried and loved and understood, we are going to succeed. We are happy. We talk about the mistakes we made.

We love each other still (I think), but we aren't in love. At least not with each other.

If anyone had to describe us, I'd hope it would be 'they are the best of friends who had 3 amazing and wonderful children together'.

Fundamentally, **** happens. We make mistakes. We can either let them destroy us (and this nearly did) or we can seek and get support/help. I got help. A huge amount of help. And it worked for me.

I see my children every week. Long weekends and whenever I can. Sal and I had a family day out. And it was lovely. She's not met the woman I'm starting to see yet. But she will. But it will be with the children too. My friend has children and this could be one of those new and interestingly shaped families.

It will be based upon trust and mutual respect and acknowldgement of a/the past.

Will it all work out? I don't know. But I think it is upto us to try and make it work. It won't be easy. No one said it would be. But it will be worth it. And THAT is WAY more important than 'Woe is me'.

Thinking about it from my end - and this is slightly tongue in cheek - I've got three children who are loved by their mum and dad. I have a wife who is becoming my best friend and I will have a lover who may end up being my wife. And I will be a friend to my new lover's children and she to mine.

All I've got to do is be a real man. Accepting the things I cannot change, have patience with the changes that take time and work for what I want.

Easy? ... No.

Worth it? ... Without 1 shadow of a doubt.

Thanks for sharing your story RichardQ, I am sorry for what you had to go through and I know my husband will also be very sad and hurt, I know there is going to be a lot of pain and anger but hope that one day we too will be able to be friends.

Thanks for sharing this RichardQ, I am in the first stage of your post with my husband, I hope within a year we can be where your second post stated. I love my husband enough to want him to be happy, TRULY happy. Not just continually lying to him to help keep the charade up. Thank you.

Just so you know, this is still a work in progress. I don't think I've ever worked as hard as keeping a relationship going. We have our bad moments. And sometimes it isn't just a moment. The new relationship didn't work. When I started talking about my children's mother, it was clear which side of the bible she sat on. Whilst I will accept things being said about me (I know me and I can defend me - or not - my choice), I will not abide people bad mouthing the woman I've loved and the mother of my children. If anything, this past year+ has shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I realise I still love her and, yes, my dreams/fantasies are often filled with her (never with her g/f - I'm a 1 gal type of guy). And so, I know I'm not done yet. I can't start a new relationship whilst I am still wanting the woman I married.

If any of the women here who are in this situation really want to get the best out of what could end up as a horrible situation, especially with children in the mix, then I really am offering me and my experience to your men. I'm not an expert. But I know my experience. And I truly hope there is something good that can be taken from all of this.

I would never have married her unless I believed I loved her. And so. I know I will never stop loving her. It simply isn't how I think. I may love another, in time, but she will always be a part of my life. As long as I don't let the "little boy", with his immature reasoning and sadness and resentment get in the way.

So, again, if your men need someone to talk to, who knows exactly what this feels like, I'm here. Not an expert, but willing to try and to believe we can do better than fall apart.

I found this site/group the other day. Only just made contact, so, as yet, no real feedback available. http://straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk/

One thing I've realised is that the problems I have with my situation, I make bigger by myself. No one to help me keep perspective and that's not good.

If you've come here to post your feeling and thoughts and anxieties, you are most likely looking for someone to, at the very least, help, maybe to be on your side. The best I can offer is to say I will not judge.

Good luck to all couples. We all need it.

I'll stop posting now. I could go on for hours. Ha!

2 More Responses

"To thy own self be true." What is it that you fear the most about being honest? I am a lesbian who became involved with a woman who was married with children. Her husband figured it out and she left me without any closure to the situation. She told me she had secretly been fantasizing about me for years before she 'asked me out'. I feel like I was raped and left for dead when she was caught. Her husband is a psychologist and, I believe ‘mind controls’ her with subtle manipulations. He has a questionable reputation but she knows nothing about it. I discovered all this after our ‘break up’. All I ever ask of her were two things, to not abandon me as I have suffered many loses in my life including the death of both of my parents when I was young and for her to be honest with me. My family, many in the community and my friends feel she is/was diabolical in the way she loved me one day and threw me away the next. We had a two month ‘affair’ that was so intense. I don’t think she had ever felt this way before. We both ended up in mental institutions over this break up and we have never spoken again. It was so tragic and I have so many unanswered questions. Thought I would give you a perspective from ‘the other side’.

be strong and leave him! if you want to be with a woman go out there and do it! it seems hard now but this is your life and no one elses!

Hi, I also am a man and I married a lesbian. The only thing I'm saying is you have to tell you. My wife told me and my children all went to therapy. You can reach different agreements with the father of your children to try to live your lesbian side and also give time to your children, it seems hard but you can encourage ¡¡¡¡¡

sweetheart you certianly sound misrable.....i to am going thru this same thing..its just tough.

I agree, tell him. Tell him you love him very much and dont want to hurt him. Tell him your scared of your family finding out and your scared of hurting him. Tell him you didnt plan it to turn out like this, that you havent and would never cheat on him and that you're sorry but you cant hide any longer. <br />
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It isnt fair on anyone to keep this a secret. Your dream women is waiting for you out there, I promise you that. Be happy and find her. It may be hard to leave your husband at first but you deserve to be happy. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you dont tell him. xx

you should really tell him

you should really tell him

I am in the same situation. I think I have always known in the back of my mind. But ignored it for years. I am 26 married and have the most beautiful son. My husband is the best man I have ever met, and it kills me to think about telling him. I dont know if we should be married anymore because I think it is why underneath it all I am unhappy. I have been bulimic for 13 years and I looking back I think this is why. I never accepted myself for fear of rejection. I am scared to lose this beautiful life and dont know what to do. I know it is not fair to him. I told him a few months ago that I was a lesbian but loved him and could be with him forever, regardless. but I dont know if that is true.

Before we were married my wife had a lesbian lover... at the time I thought it was so hot! Now... not so much.<br />
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She says she isn't gay, but our sex life is **** and I feel like she isn't attracted to me any longer. We are both being faithful and are unsatisfied. We love each other greatly and take great comfort in our marriage, but I don't know that we will ever be as happy as we could be. <br />
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I would encourage her to bring another woman into the bedroom with us (what guy wouldn't), but I think that would be a mistake. We are religious and try to protect our marriage, but are fighting a losing battle.<br />
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I feel your pain.

If you are gay, then be gay. Stop holding your poor husband hostage and let him find love. It's so unfair of you to keep him in a loveless, sexless marriage for your own gain.<br />
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We all deserve love, whatever and whomever we choose to be.

Best advice I can give is you cannot live for others. Who cares what your family thinks, you have to live for yourself and find your own happiness. Whats the point in living a lie? Why live a life you hate? <br />
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Tell your husband the truth, its only fair to him. Then get a divorce and find yourself a female companion. <br />
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Maybe my viewpoint is more open but I am from Montreal and live only a few minutes away from the gay village. Not to mention I have a quite a few gay friends. So I'm use to hearing the whole "but my family" crap.

All of that is great advice accept in my opinion kissmehard saying get a lover, that is not fair. As was said before your husband can sense something is up and it will do psychological damage to him. You would be better off not be selfish like kissmehard.<br />
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If you love yourself you will not be lonely while with no other.

you need to tell your husband this dont drag it out forever it will only hurt him more

if you cannot leave....you need a lover my dear......that is my plan

i am bisexual, and decided to be with a man... i can deal with them better then with women, but i am so scared that i am gonna need a woman again and i won't be able to tell my boyfriend, but eventually i will.. i think i can understand you, the thing i can tell is to live your life, your family sooner or later will understand. Don't be scared just be prepared and strong to deal with yourself and the life you want with no regrets. sounds easy, i know it's not...

I am in the same boat too- only, I have a bigger twist. I got engaged to a man while I was still in a relationship with a woman I adored. I got engaged with the man only because I was getting older, and I knew my family was waiting for me to get married. I come from a very religious family, and I myself feared going to hell if I didn't end it with the woman. I was with her for eight years, since I was 20. I just got married, and I regret it. I wish I could go back with my ex, but she has moved on and won't have me. I have hurt her too much. Now, I'm lonely in my marriage and struggling to figure out what I should do. I really want a baby, and that is another reason I felt I had to get married. Now, I'm just hoping to find a woman on here to be a good friend to me and someone to empathize.

It is never too late. You are lying to him by pretending to be heterosexual! you won't be able to stay with him forever if you feel like this. <br />
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The gay community is a wonderful support system. Your biological family might not understand your orientation, but you will always have an understanding GLBTQ community to support you.

I am not gay but that does not mean I don't feel for you been in that situation.I think the first thing you should do is get some sort of support through a gay phone support service or organisation .Then choose your time very wisely and tell your husband the best way that you can.If your family love you they will just have to come to terms with it.I can't believe familys that turn their own away because they are gay .Would it be more acceptable to them if you were an axe murderer or something as bad.I can't see your present situation benefiting anyone involved.So where you are now has all been for other people not you.What if your happiness comes at a price,live the life that you really want and risk(only you know what the risks might be)or leave things as they are.Maybe your family might be more understanding than you think.If you want to live a happy life I think the only course of action is clear cut and happiness above all else is the secret to a long life.Good luck with what ever you do.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. If you need to be with woman to be happy, so be it. You owe it to your husband to tell him you are living a lie; the poor guy is probably wondering what he can do to make you happy. Short of a sex change there isn't anything he can do. You could decide together to have an open relationship f he's willing to help you hide your secret from your family.<br />
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Truthfully though, if your family can't accept you for you then you don't need them. Just my take on things, but my Mom is gay and we all accept her for her. Good luck.

Bless your heart, If you love your husband you should tell him. I am a straight man who married my lifelong girlfriend, She has discovered she is bisexual and she didn't hide from me. I encourage her to be herself and she encourages me to be myself. I crossdress becasue I have always loved it. It works out great for us. We both have had some great sex with her girlfriend. We have found out that our relationship is stronger because we keep NO secrets from each other.

Just want to let you know I did the samething!! I hid from the truth that was reality inside. I got married, had kids and finally faced what I needed and not what others wanted me to be. I was married for 11 years and with that man for 15 years. Belive me it is a HARD transition and it is still hard for me. I have been divorced for 5 years and just finally told my mom like 6 months ago and she seems to be ok with it.

vvvceliavvv i am in the same boat..... but i do love my hubby and he does know that i want women buti can not break his heart....so i choose to be discontent until his end of days....

I know thats not the reason i have to live my life sad but thats the only way i can keep hide from them before i can find a good time and feel like the can agree with gay. i tried to tell them gay things. they said if i am then i won't be part of the family anymore and i now they will do it if they know i am. so i can't only think about myself. i need think about everybody because i love my family.<br />
i just wish later on some years later i could tell them little by little . just now i don't know what else i can do about this <br />
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For him i know i shouldn't have a gf when i am married but you know sometimes when love come u can't stop it. i trying very hard to not fall in love with woman but i don't know how long i can do this and i feel so lonely all the time. i don't wanna hurt him but i don't wanna hurt my family too. they are the most important thing for me in my life. i know isn't fare for him . i tried my best to make it better . but i need the love to make myself feel happy and not lonely anymore.

YOU are more important in your life than anyone else! If you're family can't understand than that is too bad for them. At least some part of you would be pursuing happiness. <br />
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If you are gay, then be damn proud. And live your life to the fullest. Laugh in their faces when they put you down and bring your girlfriend to family barbecues whether your invited or not!<br />
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There is no reason that you should be living your life sad, when you've done not a damn thing wrong. Let everyone else be sad that they are ignorant and loathing of things different to them. Only you can make you happy. You only have one life on this earth, make the BEST of it! <br />
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Love is NOT a crime, or a self-indulgence! It's what makes us, and lack thereof breaks us.