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Confused Lesbian

I am married to a very good man.  I too have always considered myself a good person.  I have 2 sons whom I love with all my heart.  I love my husband, but the attraction is just not there.  I dont think that it is not there for just him but for any man.  Men just dont seem to turn me on.

Women on the other hand, excite me a great deal.  I have tried to put it out of my mind for years, but it seems that the older I get the more attracted to women I become.  There is a really good friend in my life right now.  She knows that I am very attracted to her, physically and emotionally. 

I know that despite my apprehension to do what I would consider cheating, I would love to be with her in every way.  I think about her, I dream about her and I fantasize about her.

That said, as rediculous as it may sound, I dont know for sure if I am lesbian or if I am just not being satisfied sexually and emotionally by my husband.  I might want to mention that we have not had sex in over 5 years.

I do love my husband, he is a good and kind man and good with my sons.  He works hard at making us happy and well cared for.  But when it comes to real emotional and physical connection, it seems that I have it with women.

I really just need to talk with someone.  I am lost.  I am lonely and feel so confused.  I just need to say this and talk to someone other than myself.

DiBa DiBa 46-50 68 Responses Nov 2, 2008

Your Response


Don't worry luv. No reason to feel lonely and confused. That will pass once you decide to make some changes. Admitting that you might be a lesbian is step one because I believe you are just by what you have mentioned. Don't be scared. It is relatively easy to meet other women online these days but first you should discuss this with your husband on wether or not you two stay together. It does not seem like a mentally healthy situation you are in in your marriage and you cannot force attraction especially when you have feelings for women. Good luck and stay positive.

I'm amazed to see how many women are going through this. Although I feel sympathy towards you I also think it is only fair to your husbands, children and yourselves to be 100% honest with what is actually going on. It sounds to me like most of you are lesbians who are deeply closeted and in denial on various levels. I wonder why many of you went along with the marriage in the first place. It seems a little dishonest. The right thing to do would be to leave your husband and start living an honest and open life. Most of you love your husbands but it is obvious that it is more of a friendship type of love. Staying in a marriage like this will destroy both you, him and the kids psychologically in the long run. Most children are very accepting of their parents when they sense they are being honest and upfront. Set a good example for the kids by being true to yourself. Kids are smarter than you think and can sense when something is off and do not like it believe me. This is coming from someone whose mother came out later in life and I always knew my parents marriage was very broken and false and I saw it destroy them both while they stayed in it. My father is remarried now and couldn't be happier and my mother has a partner she is very happy with as well. I would not have it another way.

Wow im in the same spot. You are
preaching to the choir

Sometimes we are the last to know. You sound very gay, and it's not your fault. Nor is it your husband's fault that you didn't know this about yourself before you made the commitment. The thing is that he may have an inkling. I mean, 5 years without sex sounds like a dreadfully long time. Perhaps he is suffering. I know that I can't stand being without sex. I can't imagine how he feels.

I would like to applaud you for admitting this to yourself and us. If you don't mind I would love to give you some advise on your feelings. You need to follow your heart and soul. Your heart only hurts when you have feelings that you cannot control. If you get butterflies in your stomach when you are near a woman, that is a sign from your gods and they are in control of your destiny. So please follow your intuition but don't hurt anyone while finding your place in this world. Good Luck

I was married for 2 years, only a short time really. I'd had relationships with men and women throughout my 20's and had emotional connections, not always sexual, with both which i guess is why I hadn't realised i was a lesbian until i'd walked down the aisle with a man. My husband was and still is a lovely supportive man and was wonderful when i explained my feelings to him. Thankfully we have now both moved on and have loving relationships with our new partners. Things can be sticky, even difficult for a while but it all works out in the end.

hey just love your husband...and how about trying fantasizing your husband...give it a try and every time making love over him...or sacrifice yourself to him...and who knows you really get attracted to him...its your thought that is wanting for women, as you said you love your hubby very much...or else you wouldn't have married..slightly somehow you are attracted to that sense..also try to lock your mind in him...naturally and go for sex not saying in a offensive way k..and if it can be done reply back..or in-box me..i have got some more to say..till then tkc

I don't agree that she should be sleeping with someone she is not attracted to and forcing an attraction that is not really there. This could be very psychologically damaging to her and her husband.

although im not married im in a long term relationship which is currently u i love my partner bu have no sexual desire fo him nor for any other male. i met this girl recently n i cant stop thinkin bou her i mean i just want her and recently iv started finding myself becoming awkward around hot women wher before i never took any notice. dunno if iv been in denial my whole life r what im soo confused!!!

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Where do you live?? Lets hook up!!! LOL Im in the same boat.

Me too...
In Las vegas

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Same here :)

Hello all,
After reading a lot of your posts I thought I would share my story. I was married for six years, and I have to young children. My ex-husband and I had a good relationship, he is a great father, a good provider, and he has supported me throughout this whole process. Growing up I had a plan set in place that I would marry a good man and have children. I had never had feelings for another woman but I did occasionally find myself getting turned on by them. About a year ago I met the woman that I am proud to call my lover. It was an instant, deep attraction when I first laid eyes on her. I had never felt anything like that before for anyone let alone another woman. For months, I tried fighting my feelings but they only grew stronger the closer we got as friends. She was constantly on my mind and in my dreams. I was in love with her and I couldn’t fight anymore. So, one day I came clean to both her and my ex about my feelings. I told my sister and my two best friends and tried to get support from wherever I could find it. I didn’t know what to do, all I wanted was to be with her but I felt as though I couldn’t end my marriage. After several months, I realized that I had nothing left for my husband and it wasn’t fair to him or me to keep up a lie. Currently, I am in the beginning stages of my divorce and happily out to all my friends and family. I know how hard it is to think about how many people you may disappoint, and how bumpy the road might get but in the end it will all be worth it. Believe me, I have never been so happy, turned on, and/or satisfied in my life. There is nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to feeling whole.

I am in the same situation...have been married for five years and with a fantastic girl for 1 1/2 years...I don't know what to do? I am so confused...

Hi there,

Well my story is quite something. I wish I had stumbled across this site months ago. this is my first time, and I would love some feedback, as well as hopefully encourage others, either way.
I am 46 years old have been married for 24 years. As you say in your story,my marriage too was a very good one. He is a very gently giving man, but I have not been sexually active with him for close to two years. we are great companians,but it was becomming like a sibling relationship. Then Ten months ago I met a women (much younger than me 24 years old), and we fell in love instantly. I told my husband I needed some space and time to think about my life, and asked that he give that to me. I moved out of the bedroom, but that just made everything worse. We started fighting, something we never did. He was hurt and angry, he diddnt want this at all. We were always a very very close knit family. My kids are a boy 18 and a girl 16.
So, I asked my husband for a formal seperation, and he refused to leave the house, and said Ishould go, and and the kids stay in their home. it was an awefully tough decision, but i run a business from the house they live in, so knew I would be seeing them every day. The realtionship with this young gay women (who had only come out recently herself), deepened rapidly. We moved in together, and we have been this way for 8 months now. HOWEVER, my daugter suspects but doesnt know for sure, and wont talk to me. My son and i get on very well, we are very close, but I hardly see him. He has asked me if I am in a relationship with this woman, as he knows her. i have told him and my daugter that we just share a two bedroom flat, to help me with the rent. the guilt I feel is enornous, it makes me physically ill at times. Am I gay? Am I a bad mother? I havent got divorced because of all these doubts. I love this woman deeply, no doubt there, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says I am her soul mate. She wants to have children with me. How on earth do I do this? I am 46 years old!! Anyone got some advice for me? I diddnt add, that I am a crhrstian too, so have also had mother in law (who happens to be living on my husbands property....grrrr)also very angry with me,and basically wont talk to me. The guilt of that too...have I disappointed God.
I look forward to any comments.

Your story is very much like my own. I am the younger one, though... and my partner is older. We fell in love while working together and both of us were married. I have since gotten divorced but she is still in the process of figuring out how to tell her husband.

It's complicated because she has an adult child with special needs and he's pretty much the only reason they're still married... it's more of a partnership they have to take care of him together. Her husband isn't stupid and can pretty much see that we're in love, but he's in denial.

I know you wrote this in 2008...but I would love if anyone had any words of encouragement or if they've been in a similar situation.

It\'s not our doing that we are gay. Nobody wants this agony. You have already made the choice, and done the deed; and you are happy. Your children are grown, and you gave them everything you had. It would be tough because to them you\'ll be the betrayer of their bubble; but that\'s life, and you can\'t keep it from them. They will find their loved ones they can\'t live without, and they\'ll understand. It\'s tough for a man to give up something they have grown accustomed to; furthermore, they feel humiliated to be left for a woman; it is emasculating, but that is their issue to get over. You have obviously given him a large part of your life, and staying together forever is one of those things that only happen in fairy tales. It is rare (at least in my generation) to see couples stay together after about 12 years. Most people I know have been divorced. And besides; it does cause a bunch of pain to feel so judged. You have not wronged God. He made you who you are.

how will I say this? actually I'm not married to another man.. but my lover is.. I love her so much that I didn't care that she's married.. she has 2 kids and I love them., she tells me she's tired of her life with her husband and wants to leave him. she even told me she'll leave the kids for me too but i don't want that coz I feel pity for the kids coz they're still young. and i don't want them to grow up without the guidance of their instead I'm the one who adjusted and even if it is not right we had an affair.. she doesn't want to have sex with her husband coz she doesn't want to cheat on me.. either way i feel for you with what ever you are feeling and experiencing right now.. do not feel lonely coz i am here friend.. start by telling your husband your dillema ! i really wish you well! :)

ack! I would take the kids with me too. Momma and kids should be a whole package.

The mom and kids are a package that should not be separated. I'm surprised she even offered this. She really needs to leave her husband and stop living a lie. It is not fair to anyone and is selfish.

try it...why havent you and your husband had sex...try having sex with him and while you are in foreplay...reach down and touch yourself...finger yourself while he watches..then stick your fingers in your mouth and clean your juices this a couplr of times ...then one night while you are doing it.. stop him and have him pull out...go down and clean your juices off his tool... tell him that you like the way you taste...the smell ...the testure of your juices...then the next time...mention how hot it my be to taste another woman...and that if he lieks ...he could girls are pretty sharp at playing us can make it work...if after a few will doesnt mean that everytime he has to watch...but it worked for my she has her girlfriend over a lot...sometimes i ********** while watching...sometimes i get to do her while she is going down her lover...sometimes they want to be left alone...either way...she never refuses me anymore...and she has the best of both worlds...i have actually taken on a male neither of us are in the closet...and our childeren are none the wiser...

This is so messed up and unhealthy for so many reasons.

I'm going through all those comments! I'm in my freshman year of high school, and its been fun so far. But as time went on, my dreams started to change, as well as my feelings. First my dreams were about a beautiful black/Latino girl named Lisa. And in the dreams we fell in love( we kept it a secret, though) we would secretly have sex when my parents weren't home, or we would just talk. Lisa,in the dream, she gets me. And sometimes she softly talks in my ear while holding me sexually. And my feelings on the outside changed when I started secretly liking this girl at my school. She's bi, but she's been through bad relationships both ways. Mostly because they just don't know how to treat her. And I really like her. But don't how to tell her. Especially if you go to a school where stuff spread around faster than a flu. But I want to tell her so bad. I know this a long story, but I'm new here and I want to get it out some kind of way. So can anybody give me advice on how I should feel and what to tell the girl I really like?

I was married for 12 years and left him to be with a woman whom I could not stop thinking about for 2 years and it has been 7 years and we are still together. You only live once live it happily .. I have kids too and they went through some pain it wasnt easy but time has passed and they love my partner and things are great and I couldn't be happier with my decision.

I hope I can end up with your story's ending... I'm in the 'cant stop thinking' phase and the 'married 12 years phase'... :)

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you!


A site for girls and their admire.


I hate to be redundant, but this is my life also. I feel so alone and I often cry about it and feel depressed and unworthy.

There is no harm in such a circumstance, rather it is good you are living a good social life and sexual life,keep it up

It makes me feel good to know that I am not going through this alone it is especially hard when you have a good man and children are involved.

I'm glad i'm not alone on this subject.

Wow...there are so many of us here. Hoping everyone comes to peace with who she is and with what she needs. xoxoxoxox....

You sound like me (except my husband and I still have sex). I met a woman recently who opened my eyes. I dont know for sure if I am lesbian or if I am bi but I know I want something that isn't there now. I love my husband and don't want to not be with him but now I see that something is missing.

Sounds very similar to myself. I feel like and define myself as a "broken lesbian". Happily married with children. Hubby & children are my world but as I live in this world as a bisexual female, it kills me to know that I rather not be in a sexual relationship with a man. Confused as all hell but just go with things and try to block out what Im really feeling. Just recently had a few 3somes with hubby and another man, no lie, it felt GREAT, ironically, it wasnt the actual intercourse that I loved it was the thrill (I am a sexual thrill seeker) and emotion of it that was my biggest turn on. I tell my husband that I wish he had female parts but stayed who he is....I'd be the happiest lesbian on earth.

i have been married for 5 years and i was amazed to see so many women going through the same confusion that i am going through. i dont have children. my husband is a good person and both my parents love him . i am very close to my in laws as well . as for me , i do love my husband , but never was ' in " love with him . i know i am explaining things badly .i have always been attracted to women , but earlier i thought that that was just admiration. now i dream bout loving women , and am very attracted to my friend. i dont know what i s wrong with me . i feel like i could probably happily stay with my husband, because he is a good man and our families are so happy ,if i didnt have to have any physical contact . i just feel lonely and confused and cant imagine the day of saying anything to my husband or family or the hurt i am going to cause. i dont know if this is being terribly selfish. its just that sometimes i feel like i am trapped in a maze with no escape.

explore the world.........

You may or not be a lesbian, it could also be the thrilling thought of the "forbidden fruit", along with or because of the affinity and closeness you have for your friend. You find yourself missing something in your life and are gravitating towards someone you know and trust. She happens to be a woman. That's a far cry from being a lesbian. <br />
<br />
My suggestion is not to try and apply labels to yourself. Explore your feelings, your wants and desires. Just do what you think will be the best for you and your well being.<br />
<br />
I hope you find what you are looking for in no matter what you choose.

The fact that this is an issue for you is an issue in its self.

Your not alone...believe me..there are so many of us in that same situation...if you ever need to talk...many of us are there to listen...rain

hi...I am in my 30's and have been married for over 10 yrs...always had an attraction to women since as far back as I can remember. I've had encounters with women during my marriage and currently have strong feelings for a woman. My husband always hinted I liked women and I came out to him and told him...he is trying to accept it but Is hurt as I basically lied to him thru out the years. I tell him when I see her...or when I am with her. I feel a stronger attraction towards women...they are so beautiful, sexy, HOT, they understand you emotionally and physically. I am so confused...and scared as I don't know if we will stay married. A lot of stories on here sound so familiar to my issues so I decided to write and talk to people about this.

I am in a really similar situation. I am going through a lot right now, my husband isn't sure he wants to be with me anymore, and I am just confused, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what I want. I read the comments on this sight and I couldn't believe there were so many people out there who are in a situation which is similar to mine. Thankfully no kids are in this mess. I would really just like to talk to someone else who is in this situation. I feel alone and I really need a friend.

all this is so similar to my experiences .. u can always message me in case u need some to share your feelings with :)

wow, I can't believe how familiar your story is.

hi...I am in my 30's and have been married for over 10 yrs...always had an attraction to women since as far back as I can remember. I've had encounters with women during my marriage and currently have strong feelings for a woman. My husband always hinted I liked women and I came out to him and told him...he is trying to accept it but Is hurt as I basically lied to him thru out the years. I tell him when I see her...or when I am with her. I feel a stronger attraction towards women...they are so beautiful, sexy, HOT, they understand you emotionally and physically. I am so confused...and scared as I don't know if we will stay married. A lot of stories on here sound so familiar to my issues so I decided to write and talk to people about this.