Home Sweet Home

 I'm 53 years old, married 20 years to an older man of 76. I say "older" with a bit of hesitation, being he has more energy than most of you reading my story. We are avid tennis players, I being quite competitive on the court, yet my husband is still a challenge for me to beat. We have 3 children between us and I am quite proud of the fact that we are an extremely close, loving family. Everything in my life seems so perfect, except for one teeny, tiny problem.

(I can't even type the words).

 My husband is aware of my "history", unfortunately though, we never discuss the "issue". My daughter knows my secret, and is sad for me. I can never break up this family. I can never leave my husband. Never.

 I feel "uneasy" in the "lesbian community" and they feel "uneasy" with me. "If you are gay, then why in the world did you ever marry a man?" "I know what you're saying. I honestly know."

 Through these years, I have met many women, who after our first meeting, want me to leave him and move right in with them TODAY! This "thing" inside me pulls on my soul day in and day out. I watch movies like The Hours, seeing myself living with Meryl Streep, together in that wonderful apartment, she making the "crab thing". I'm so very jealous of that little "Syd" in High Art, being able to "hang out" with "Lucy" the renowned photographer. (Let's leave Greta out of the picture because all I would need is to be, not only a married lesbian but, one addicted to heroin as well).

 I joke about this terrible dilemma, to all of you, (my sisters) but believe me... it's no joke. It's excruciatingly painful (as we all know). 

 Anyway, I was delighted to "fall upon" this website and read the stories, knowing I'm not alone. It's a rare event for me to talk about something that has haunted me my entire life. It feels good listening to myself read it back, as if someone is actually hearing me. Thank you for letting me speak.

sadiesadie sadiesadie
51-55
1 Response Mar 16, 2009

Your story has touched me deeply. Mostly because i can relate to how you feel inside completely! But I am younger than you....31 and been married and monogamous to a man for 11 years. I have 2 children, a teen daughter and pre-teen son; and already feeling overwhelmed by the need for something more....different...passionate.....feminine.....loving...understanding....womanly.......<br />
I feel so lonely even amongst loved ones. I am lost at how to gain independence, confidence, and courage to live my truth. I know we should pack our bags, walk out the door and never look back on the heels of our heterocomfortable shoes......but taking that first step is the hardest. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. Good luck in your journey.