After 27 Years Of Marriage.....

I have found myself in a place I never thought I would be.  2 years ago I was "churchlady" extraordinaire. helping, serving, trying to be everything to everyone.  The 47 year old dutiful wife of a Pastor, married 25 years and 2 grown kids.

 Today I am in mental torment as to how to proceed as I am now 49, married 27 years, and have been in a homosexual relationship for 11 months. I have fallen deeply in love with another middle aged woman, FROM CHURCH...

I was a stay at home wife/mother to an Air Force Officer/Pilot and gladly followed him around the world.  However, now I am in a crossroads of life where I cannot support myself and would be giving up financial comfort if I left him.  Staying with him seems insurmountable and not fair to him. Living with him as a 'wife' after being with her for so long with more fulfillment in every aspect of life than I ever had with him seems impossible.  

Difficult decisions lay ahead and I am literally stuck as to how to go forward and do not want to hurt my family in the midst of it all.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through anything similar...HELP

ksweet ksweet
46-50, F
9 Responses Feb 11, 2010

Hello. I was EXACTLY in your situation. I was the wife of a youth pastor, with two small children when a young lady who was the daughter of one our church "pillars" graduated from college and return home. SInce her family was one of the families who "took us in" as a young pastoral couple far from home, my then husband and I quickly establised a relationship with her. I cannot explain the magnatisim that she and I discovered. I could not wait to see her, wanted to spend more and more time with her...with NO thought of a sexual relationship emerging. One evening, while having an innocent ::"sleep over" with my girls (my kids LOVED her as she had babysat them and been on many family activites with her). All of sudden, the urge to kiss her suddenly, unexpectedly came over me as we watched a movie after my girls were asleep. I looked at her and asked her if I could kiss her, I mean, REALLY kiss her. That was it. It began the most amazing relationship ever. And 19 years later we are still happily together. After a few weeks, I was honest with my husband...and I had to tell him that I had experienced a relationship that I never had with him and felt it unfair that I could stay with him while longing to be with someone else. I also wanted him to find someone with whom he could experience the same thing. We told our pastor and Andrea's family that we were separating. Then the church was informed that we were separating. My kids and I then moved out of the parsonage into Andrea's house. It was the most difficult process I have ever been through....hurt by church people, grappling with my christianity, etc. But I would not change a thing. My kids are happy and well adjusted, and we have a great family. All I can say is FOLLOW YOUR HEART...for I will live happily ever after becuase I chose the road less traveled. Best of luck to you as you find your way.

I understand what you're experiencing. I was attracted to girls while an adolescent, but chalked it up to trying to understand who I was as a person. I thought everyone experienced the same thing. I felt pressure from society and my strict family and religious training to become a married woman. I never felt like I was normal. I wasn't "boy crazy" but I did like guys. I felt mostly used by guys for sex. I ended up in a marriage to a man for 29 years. It was not a happy marriage and I felt like I was always needing more (affection and emotional connection). I had 2 lovely children, but as a young person never thought I would want to have kids. After my daughter died at age 19, I hit a crossroads. I realized how short life was and how she always told me to "just be happy". I also kept thinking of Shakespeare's words: "to thine ownself be true". I had been involved in an affair while married to my husband with a woman who I was in love with, but she was not in love with me in the same way. I ended up getting hurt by her and eventually ended the relationship and friendship. I met someone in a service organization who I eventually became very attracted to and was in the dilemma of leaving my husband. I did leave that marriage even though I had been emotionally abused to think that I wasn't capable of making my own decisions. I have been in this relationship with my soulmate for nearly 9 years now. It has it's ups and downs as all do, but I do not regret leaving my marriage. I knew deep inside I was living a lie by society's standards. I encourage you to do some real soul-searching. If you have a higher power, I suggest you lean on this power for guidance. Be kind to yourself first and foremost!

OMWord, it is her touch and she is a woman.<br />
So much more involved as you know since you are on this site.<br />
Thanks for the shout....

You have my sincere sympathy for youresituation. <br />
All I would say is, this life isn't a practice, we only get one shot at it. If being with the other woman makes you and HER happy then go for it.<br />
Money considerations aside really examine your feelings for this women - do you love her as a person who just happens to be a woman or do you have feelings for other women as well?<br />
What gives you a sexual thrill - a man or a woman touching you?

Ksweet... I am much younger than you but in the same boat. I have known that I found woman attractive since about 15. I was too scared to admit it. I think that now at 24 I am old enough to admit it to myself and my family. Maybe you always knew. I dont think this other woman kissed you ... and you went WOW.. you probably wanted it. Mine happened the same way. Beer was also involved. But she is a great friend to me. and it evolved from there. I know that I will contradict some others here... but you have to find what is best for you to be at peace with yourself. I stopped seeing a my husband as a loving person long ago... we have only been married 3 years. You feel trapped.. dont let that be the reason to stay. It isnt only that she is a woman.. you found an emotional connection to some one other than your husband. That was what scared me. Her and I are not about the sex (it only happened once) .. but the attraction and the emotion and how I feel when I am with her.<br />
<br />
You will do what is right for you... I am sure. Good luck

I did know, but once the college relationship broke up, I thought I could live a straight life as I was raised in a very strict Bible based home and being attracted to women would send me right to HELL. Plus I wanted to be a mother and thought I could do it all for a life time. Thus the conflict now when this woman knocked me over.

Al I can say is wow. If you had an affair in college then I would say that you have lived the last 27 years knowing that you were attracted to women. I know people will bash me for saying this but its how I feel,. If you have lived 27 years already, then why is it so unbearable now. And another thing is I often feel that we as married lesbians use our sexuality to justify things that we otherwise know are wrong. If this woman was another man, what would you do? I think we shoudn't use who we fall in love with to justify our indiscretions. Don't look at this as a homosexual relationship, look at it as adultery, never mind who it is with, its just an extarmarital affair. I know I sound harsh and judgemental but believe me all the things I'm saying here I'm trying to convince myself coz I'm in teh same situation lol. Good luck

Thanks for the thoughts. I have been in counseling. Sadly not many are very aware of SSA issues. My family/church community all know now too. I had to make an alter call and confess it all before 150 people. None of them understand either and liken it to excessive drinking and i should be able to just quit loving her. I had a relationship 30 years ago in college, but have tried to live 'normally'.

I'm afraid the most likely reaction will be that you have taken leave of your senses.<br />
If this were my mother I would be horrified, not so much at the "other woman" aspect as at just how someone can just "become" gay at a relatively mature age.<br />
<br />
Your poor husband.<br />
<br />
It also seems that this is all a secret, so there is also the reaction at your church.<br />
<br />
However, you can't be expected to continue with the marriage, just for the sake of others, and if you're that unhappy it's time to go. There is no certainty that the relationship with your woman friend will last, or survive the revelation of your coming out.<br />
<br />
You cannot jump straight from one relationship to another without huge fall out.<br />
<br />
It's such a standard response, but perhaps you should try some type of counselling?<br />
<br />
All very confusing, I am sorry and hope the solution is not too painful for everyone.