My Heart Is Breaking

I decided to share my story because I don't feel I can really contain it any longer. I will try to keep it brief and to the point. I married my husband 8 years ago. We have 3 children ages 6, 5, and 4. My 5 year old has Autism. I love my babies! I was dating both men and women when I met my husband. He knew my attraction for women because I felt it was strong  to warrant validation and I wanted him to be very aware. I was brought up in a Christian, Italian home where there was no choice for a woman to grow up and get married. I wasn't offered a college education because it was a waste of money. I am doing that now and am on my way to getting my degree. 

I love my husband. I figured when I got married, I would be fixed. I would stop fantasizing about women and would begin to be content with my role in life. I did stop fantasizing about women and my libido went into the crapper. I never wanted to have sex and I didn't want my husband to touch me. Given the babies in the house and that stage of beginning a family, I didn't consider the connection to being a lesbian, I just chalked it up to being a mom. I prayed and tried and tried, and tried. Here I am, 8 years later, and I'm in love with a woman and I'm nowhere near fixed.

7 months ago I was able to reconnect with a friend of mine. She is a lesbian and I have known her for 16 years. She was 14 when we met and I was 19. I wasn't aware that she has had a crush on me since she was 17, as we have been in and out of each others lives all this time. Actually, we seem to reconnect every couple years or so. She was always with someone and I just never thought that she would be attracted to me. She never told me how she felt because she didn't think I would be interested. So silly of us! So, back to 7 months ago, we picked up our friendship where we left off and let things develop. I was granted permission from my husband to have a physical affair with her. I fell in love, hard and fast. She did as well. Did I mention she has a girlfriend? 

My husband knows everything and we recently discussed divorce. I have been honest with him from the start. I would not have done anything if he hadn't allowed it. I love him but I am in love with her. The thought of not having her in my life destroys me. My husband is 15 years older than I am (he's 50), and I feel horrible leaving him and breaking up our family. There is so much more involved, but I know I can't write a book here. So now, I am unemployed and it will be a while before I finish school. I cannot support my children on my own and have very few options. I have recently come out to all of my friends who have been amazing with it and even to my brother, who was amazing as well. That still doesn't leave me with any options. So I recently made the decision to make my marriage work, I guess. I don't know if it will; I'm dying inside. I'm afraid to go back to the misery and darkness before my sunshine came back into my life.  I thought I would share with other women who would understand. Thanks for reading!

wtftodo wtftodo
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

Thank you. I seem to be having an emotional day, which is why I chose to write. I just can't breathe when I think about losing her and it overwhelms me sometimes. Thanks again.