I Tried To Leave

I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian...I doubt it matters.  I've been with the same man for 9.5 years.  A year ago we started having an open relationship.  This is a BAD idea if your relationship is in trouble, but I was feeling tempted to cheat so thought this was a good compromise.  I've been attracted to women since junior high and had two girlfriends.  The attraction has increased to ridiculous levels.  I've been dating a woman for almost a year and I'm smitten...so happy...but my husband is so unhappy.  Today I told him I was done and wanted a divorce.  He freaked out and called our shrink, who talked me into giving him another chance (we have lots of other problems).  I now regret agreeing to wait.  It was so scary and horrible to tell him I wanted a divorce and I insisted on it for hours but then caved in.  I'm not attracted to men at this point and have to fantasize about women to ******. 

I told him once that I was wondering if I was a lesbian and he asked why I married him...huge fight of course.  I wonder why the woman I'm dating puts up with all of this.  I wouldn't go near a married woman. 

I don't think I'll be married for very much longer but I'm not sure. 

Figment868 Figment868
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

These comments are so helpful! I told him again yesterday that I'm 'done.' We've begun making separate plans...dividing things...it's rollercoastery and sad but we both need to be happy.

Fig - Its time to give up the ghost hun. Pay attention to the vocabulary you use when you talk or write about your situation. You use words like "caved" in regards to staying with your husband. This implies that you gave into something you dont really want. <br />
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I dont agree that you need to answer the question as to why you married him. Thats a bridge crossed and can only serve to create more ill will. The question that is pertinent and important now, is why are you still with him? Your orientation isnt even a key factor in my opinion, the most important aspect here is that you no longer want to be with him. Tackle one issue at a time, I think the one to tackle right now is that.<br />
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In the words of Dennis Miller; Thats just my opinion, I could be wrong.

" I'm not attracted to men at this point and have to fantasize about women to ******. "<br />
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Have you told him that? I'm sure that he feels that anyway. I certainly felt the 'distance' during what little sex we had in the last years. If that is the case, then I'll take a stab in the dark and say that you are pretty much a lesbian, rather than bisexual. It matters. It will matter to him, to hear the words. Bi means 'theres a chance for us, and I'm choosing to leave you anyway' - Gay means - 'Theres no chance, you are absolved'<br />
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I don't know what other problems you have in your relationship, but I bet that they are compounded by your SSA. Living with a lesbian wife, or more specifically a gay in denial wife will cause both spouses physical and mental stresses. <br />
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He is clearly desperate to hang onto you and the relationship, for fear, for love, only you know.<br />
His question is perfectly valid. Why DID you marry him? You should try to answer this question for him. It is important. He may well feel used and abused by you, denied a return on his love.<br />
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Do both of you a favour. Admit that you are gay. Acknowledge it, apologise to him, and get out. Help him get through, if you can. If you can't talk to him without being 'talked round' then write to him. If you are sorry, say so. If you are hurt, say so. Take responsibility, tell him that you understand that he does not want to 'be released' from the marriage, but that you can not be any kind of wife to him, and that he deserves better. He probably wont want to hear that. <br />
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I'm sorry for him. I hope that he can find new life after this. I hope that you can both find healing through helping each other.