View From The Other Side Of The Closet

I am a man who was married to a lesbian.

And I hurt.

I know from reading some of your writings, that your husbands are 'in the know', some of them may be understanding, some may not 'get' the full implication of what is going on in your lives.

Theres a couple of things that I want to say.

Firstly, Thank you. It is very hard for me to read what you have written, but it is helpful to understand that you do have guilt, pain, and that it is not easy for you to be in this situation.

Secondly, If you are in the closet, and your husband does not know, or understand, and if you are sexually active with another woman, then please be aware that you are cheating. I appreciate that your sexuality is not a choice, that the situation that has developed is difficult, but please treat him with the respect that he deserves, how you act IS a choice.

I am a good man, I would and never did cheat on my wife, I'm honest and hardworking. I feel used and disrespected. I was very close (or so I thought) to my wife, who I devoted my life too. I appreciate that that was a mistake. She left clues throughout the last years of our marriage, but was not honest enough to tell me what was really going on. She cheated, and hid it. Sex became none existant, I just kept my head down and kept on working and hoping, and when we split up (following a really crass 'coming out'), I decided for my own protection to have nothing to do with her.

In the end, I got a halfhearted apology, but I never got to feel if or how guilty, painful or difficult this was for her. Or if it was. Her attitude, possibly influenced by her GF, or by my reaction, or by her own mangled logic about how to do what was best, was to appear uncaring. She didnt appreciate that I needed NOT to care about her 'new life', since it was made by (almost literally) tearing down my own. But it might have helped to have felt some empathy from her towards me. I wonder if she ever thinks of me.

There is no right way to admit to this to your husbands, but there are wrong ways. The stories that I read from others in my situation are in the majority, about how selfish and self centered their lesbian and gay spouses are, It is the husbands who are required to decide to divorce, and to carry the guilt of that, even when the wife has left. It is the husbands who are left feeling sexually inadequite, wondering how they failed, and believing that all women are closet lesbians. 

Please come out to your husbands, fully and early. If you want his help emotionally, be prepared to give back and in spades, take responsibility for the end of the marriage, and understand that he has a right to be angry. Please don't cheat. Give him the honesty and respect that he deserves.

I have found help through the Straight Spouse Network. http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php, and refering your husbands there might help you both.

What would I like to do? To be able to express my anger towards my GXW, to have her appreciate it, and to have her communicate to me, as she should have much earlier, her own guilt and sorrow. I never got that, or if I did, was not able to notice. She said she wanted to be friends, I said no, because I felt she wanted to be friends for her own sake, and her presence offered nothing but pain for me. Perhaps I was mistaken, or perhaps she really is a selfish *****. You can see how conflicted I am in posting this. It is as if she has taken her conflicted sexuality, resolved it and skipped off happily into the sunset, and dropped all that conflict into my lap. It is NOT our responsibility. It is yours.

I'm sorry if I have offended you. I hope that my words will help you to appreciate your husbands position, and to handle this better.

Thank you.

Agtfos Agtfos
46-50
Mar 15, 2010