We Must Be Freaks....

I mean, my husband and I...  must be freaks.

I know I am gay...  that doesnt mean its not possible to wholy and totally love my husband.

Our story (VERY LONG):

I had grown up in an extremely conservative Italian Catholic home, went to Cahtolic schooling etc.  I began fantasizing about women when I was around 6 yrs old.  I just thought they were only fantasies and I was straight. As I grew, I began crushing on girls...  everyewhere, all the time.  I actually got kicked out of the girlscouts because I took a friend into the bathroom to kiss her...  I was 8. My adoptive parents put me in therapy.  I am glad, I had LOTS of emotional issues surrounding my adoption and being in the system for years.

I had been raped at 15, (no, thats not why I am gay... I REALLY hate that assumption.) and instead of dealing with it I just started having sex with any man I could find.  It wasnt difficult, I am moderately attractive, and lets face it...  Straight boys are easy.  I began talking to my friends about wanting to hook up with girls....  and I was met with, "thats DISGUSTING!"  So, I continued to "screw myself straight".  Right after highschool, I entered pre law at a JC.  I hooked up with my best friends ex, the day after Xmas... and got pregnant.  Obviously, I had to get married.  So, there I was...  18, pregnant, married.  I dropped out of school, and did what I could to be the best mom and wife I could.   15 months into this nightmare I simply picked up my son and walked away.  I was divorced before I was 20.  I had to reply on my parents to help me get back on my feet, so, couldnt very well try dating women...  although I knew thats what I really should be doing.  Plus...  how many women would want a 20 yr single mother divorce'?  So, back to the man pool.  I met a co workers little brother, and really liked him.  Great guy.  Handsome, didnt mind my son, or my martial status..  We dated for 4 years before I got pregnant.  We were ecstatic about the baby, and set out to be a family.  I didnt want to marry... ok, so, a little backwards, but I wasnt in love.  My daughter came along...  but she has Cystic Fibrosis.  Her dad emotionally coulnt handle the situation and left for two years... during which time, I met a man on the internet and dated and moved in with him...  All of this was simply desperately trying to find a real family, and stability.  I had given up on dating women, I mean, my exes would have taken my children.  This was back in the 80s and 90s. 

I was spending a lot of time on the internet, "e-dating" women...  but never met anyone.  This is also where I met the kindest, most caring man...  he seemed to really GET me.  We became very fast friends and began haning out a lot.  He was friends with my boyfriend as well.  Then I developed feelings for him... and so, I left my BF.  Since I couldnt afford my own place, we became roommates and I began dating this man.  We will cal him John.  On our first date, I said to John, "Here is the deal...  I need to date women.  I never have, I just know I do.  If you dont like that, then we can part ways now." He simply smiled at me and said, "I understand, and in fact, have a solution."  At the time, I thought I was bi...  I also didnt believe in monogamy, but had always practiced it out of respect for my partners.  John and I dated, and together we entered the swinging community.

I must say, it was probably one of the best choices I have ever made in my entire life.  Neither my husband or I believe humans are monogamous by nature, and real intimacy has nothing to do with genitals.  It gave me the opportunity to explore my attraction to women.  John provided emotional security and stability and gave me the strength and courage to really explore my sexuality.  My first experience with a woman was Xmas morning, 4th of July, and New Years midnight all rolled into one.  I felt like I had taken a drug, it was heady, dizzying, and totally addicting.  It was like I had been asleep most of my life, and now fully awake and aware.  John was very happy for me, and we merrily tripped along in our new life for years.  We married, and continued in the lifestyle. 

As the years ticked by,with the exception of John, I simply stopped wanting men around...  didnt want them touching me, and began using them to get to their wives.  In the swinger community, it is very *** for tat, and a lot of them just arent there for fun, but trying to repair their relationships.  I saw myself falling into that catagory.  I am, and was in love with my husband and my first priority was to him at all times.  We talked constantly, and had begun exploring the poly aspect of our life. We develop real, deep feelings for people around us.  We started dating in a poly sense more and less swinger.  It was working...

10 years into our marriage, my husband had a very bad motocycle accident.  Right around this time I began having complications of my Fibromyalgia.  Stress causes flares,and my husbands accident created a lot of stress.  For the first time, we stopped talking.  He had developed PTSD, and depression.  I then sought out therapy.  During this time he had been dating an woman that we had dated together.  She was also married.  Her husband began resenting me, because I wouldnt sleep with him or date him, and his wife was in love with John.  Yeh, we should have seen this train...

My therapist began really delving into my sexuality.  I made the realization, that not only am I gay, but its not my husbands maleness I am in love with, its his femaleness.  This is where I lose a lot of people, but I hope you all have an open mind reading.  I know most straight men will say, "Im a lesbian with a penis!"  John, is the LAST guy to say that...  in fact, thinks its degrading when men do. *I* feel like he is a Lesbian with a penis.  As we talked in therapy, my therpaist brought up the Klein Grid, (rates me at 92% gay) and the Kinsey Scale (rates me at 5.5) to us.  She explained that orientation is NOT black and white.  It is EXTREMELY rare to find a 100% hetrosexual or homosexual human, and its not only possible but fairly common for a homosexual to have bi sexual tendancies. Coming out was devastating to my marriage.  It almost ruined it.  My husband began thinking he needed to leave me to allow me the chance of real happiness with a woman.  I didnt see the need, I have happiness with him and our open marriage.  It was a rough, painful year.  We came out the other end... 

We stopped dating others to clean up our "home".  Once we opened our marriage again, we decided that we wouldnt share for a bit, because every single woman we had dated together not only dumped me for him, but tried to get him to leave me.  I began dating a lesbian last year...  I didnt know how it would affect us, I didnt think it would be a problem.  Up cropped all kinds of insecurites for my husband...  It has since ended, but, I can tell you that each experience teaches us more about us.  And no, she didnt ask me to leave him...  she was just lazy and self centered. 

I wonder if people are willing to accept that it is possible to be gay and truly love a person of the opposite sex.  To be IN love.  I will continue to date women, even though its pretty damn difficult to find a woman that is not a swinger that will date an open married woman. 

I also have a theory on Relationship Orientation...  but thats another long post. 

My goal is to show couples like us another option to cheating, or living a lie.  I also want to show that being gay and married to a het is not necessarily the end, or even WRONG. 

Then again, like I said at the opening of this post...  maybe we are just freaks. 


MzGidget MzGidget
36-40, F
11 Responses Mar 15, 2010

It's just a natural part of women's sexual development to love other women romantically and sexually.

I so needed this! I am in your Boat...I really needed this today! Thanks so much!!!! I do have a question to throw out...My husband accepts me and I have a girlfriend who I am in love with.. HER husband said he accepts her, but continues to fight with her and try to control her happiness...What does she do here? She is getting sick, she cannot deny who she is and being with me has made her complete..but he doesn't understand that her love for me is different than her love for him.. I am NOT a threat...She doesn't want to leave him, nor do i ever ask her too. I am married. What does she do, he is killing her slowly.. HELP

I so needed this! I am in your Boat...I really needed this today! Thanks so much!!!! I do have a question to throw out...My husband accepts me and I have a girlfriend who I am in love with.. HER husband said he accepts her, but continues to fight with her and try to control her happiness...What does she do here? She is getting sick, she cannot deny who she is and being with me has made her complete..but he doesn't understand that her love for me is different than her love for him.. I am NOT a threat...She doesn't want to leave him, nor do i ever ask her too. I am married. What does she do, he is killing her slowly.. HELP

Cool I tried dating a so called les but she just slept with other guys I did see her kiss my girl cousin and that didn't bother me maybe she's hell bent or am I just a loser

No you're good. Let her sleep with other women

JessicanSCa. I am the husband in a situation where my wife is gay. Her female partner is married as well. I guess you would call it a closed loop situation. The husbands do not have sex with the other partner but only with their spouse. I can tell you from personal experience that it is not the male fantasy. I know we do it for the love of our wives. Having to share things that you never thought that you would have to is a learning experience (and greatly understated). The emotions are based on insecurity, fear and I would say a little teritorial. It is hard and we are working through it. However you need to understand that the last thing a guy wants to tell his buddies is that I lost my wife/girlfriend to another woman. Just does not work.

Sexy story your wife sleeping with another man's wife.

Thank you for sharing your story. You and your husband's relationship amazing. Your story is truly unique and I think a lot of people can learn from you.

your husband sounds like the nicest guy in the world! He stands back and watches you fall in and out of love with woman, gives you a shoulder to cry on, and puts his insecurities aside so you can be who you are. <br />
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Because I am in a monogamous relationship and am a lesbian, Im curious, do most men not have a issue with there wives dating woman because they think its "hot" or because they truly want their wives to have everything that they want even if that isn't with them?

Being newly "in that boat", I can tell you that it's some of both, but since I don't press for details of her 'trips', I think it's mostly for her well being-she's certainly happier and easier to be around afterwards.

I think it's hot and as long as it's with a lesbian or bi lady I want her to have sex with other women. Even if I can't join in. I don't ask to be allowed to join. Just hope to be allowed to watch.

Good on you guys for being honest with each other, no relationship is ever easy but you guys get each other, you seem to be able to communicate even through the tough times I admire that.<br />
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My hubby is great and we talk about me exploring with women and the thought of it turns him on but he wont share so swinging is not an option, so like you I wish there where more women out there that weren't swingers that would date women that are married.<br />
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Good on you I would love to hear that you have found a women that is like minded.<br />
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Thanks for sharing as this is exactly where my head is at right now.

It makes things so much easier... and nicer... When my gf dumped me, I wasnt left to deal with the emotions alone. I had him to cry to, vent to. I wish that everyone could have what we do. We dont have it all figured out, we never will... but, the one thing we have figured out is that no matter what we must always be honest, and always talk. <br />
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The most important life lessons are the most painful... if they didnt hurt we wouldnt learn anything from them. Its not how many times you get hurt, its how many times you get up again after getting knocked down. We are weeble wobbles... never really knock us down.

I loved this story. It is so real and you have come so far in understanding and adjusting. So has your lucky husband. My hat is off to both of you.

Is it that he is "old school" or is it jealousy? Jealousy is based in fear. I dont experience jealousy when it comes to my relationships, I dont have a fear of loss. <br />
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My husband just sees it as keeping his promise to me, to love me completely and unconditionally. <br />
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No, we arent pod people, LOL