How Is A Lesbian Widow Different

The experience of grief and the loss of a beloved partner is common to gay and straight women.  But there are some things that are different for lesbian widows.

I had lived with my partner for 26 years - since we were 24.  In that time, we became incredibly connected.  I could almost read her mind.  She could transmit physical discomfort to me.  If she had a pain, I had a pain.  We did everything together and were each other's everything.

When she died, it was as if everything disappeared from my life.  All the things we did together, all the roles I enjoyed, all the plans we had, the comforting daily rituals of breakfast, calling or texting during the day, opening the gate for her when she came home, and letting the dogs out to greet her.  And the knowledge that she was always there, thinking about me, ready to help me, or figure out what to do next.

I was much closer to her than most straight women are, to their partners.  She took up more of my life.

Also, noone except my immediate circle know that I had lost a partner.  Or sometimes people know, but don't know how to say that they do.  This made it easier in some ways, and more difficult in others.  The acceptance of condolences is one of the hardest things to bear, for me.  But sometimes it would have been good if the world in general knew what I was going through.

Reinventing a life without her in it, has been very difficult.  I had to make a lot of choices, and find new things to do, new ways to exist.  And I was desperate to fill the gaping hole she left in my life.  But knowing what she meant to me, that only filled me with despair.  How could I ever find that again?  And what if I never did?

The challenge is to somehow fill that void and integrate it into my new life.
sdbear sdbear
4 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Your words speak so true for me. "Everything disappeared." Oh how I feel each of your words cut deep in my heart. I could have written them. Only I have no desire to fill that gaping hole that Laura left behind; no desire to find another...never. The pain is way to great to experience again when I am not so sure I'll survive this time. God bless you for surviving your great loss. You are a stronger woman.....I once was too.

Im so sorry for your loss but i envy that you found something so beautiful that you were able to hang on for a while. Im certain yours souls will intertwine again once your journey here is over.... .. until then, make her proud, Shes watching and loving you from above. Take care....

Losing such a joined partner after so many shared years together has to be so difficult. The fact that so many people do not know the pain you feel and the real facts of your relationship with her has to make this worse in so many ways. I hope that you can find peace in the memories of her that will never leave your life and that you can once again live in the light of happiness. Blessings,D.

I lost my Best Friend 2 years ago, while we didn't share in the physical sense our togetherness, we did in every other way, I, too, feel like I am a Widower. While we never lived together, we could go no longer than a few days without spending time with each other. I feel a void in my life and there won't be anyone to fill it like he did, but go on I must, I am not looking for a duplicate of him instead someone who will be there and understand me and my quest for things in my life. Blessings unto you and take care.